Can't wait to change my surname, but notice many women keeping theirs, is there a reason for this trend?

[Anonymous]

I have always wished we could do it like South America. There are two last names. So if Jane Smith married John Doe, their kids would be Larlo Middlename Smith Doe. And everyone would know which was the moms name and which the dads.

I debated giving my kids a second middle name of my maiden name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the title says: I'm getting married in a few days in it hasn't crossed my mind to keep my surname. We're going to start a family and I'd love all of us to have the same surname, as we're playing for the same team. My soon to be husband is ecstatic as well that I'm taking his surname. I was aware that women with fancy careers or with research published under their names kept their surnames at higher rates as they had build a name under their maiden surname. However, I started noticing a similar trend among women with less public careers and even homemakers who I know for a fact are married. I can't imagine having a different surname than my children, but it looks like some women see nothing wrong with this. Is there a reason for this? Doesn't it cause problems the road? Just asking out of curiosity.

As someone who divorced, it's so annoying to have to change your name back. It just adds to the frustration of the situation and makes me feel like I changed my name for nothing and am going back to being a young adult again or something. It also makes it hard to date again keeping your ex's last name. I wish I had just kept my name. Maybe hyphenated it. You can still be part of "insert family last name" and not have that be your last name. No one cares anymore.

Totally disagree with your last two sentences. My friends and family absolutely lose their minds if you call them the Miller family if they didn’t change their names. They want to be Jennifer Jones and the Miller family I guess? Or Jennifer Jones, Matt Miller, and family. Actually I’ve been told different ways they want to be referred to by different people. It really makes Christmas cards hard.

[Anonymous]

This is hardly a "trend". I've been married over 40 years and never changed my last name. It's never caused a problem for us or our kids. My daughters have done the same when they married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the title says: I'm getting married in a few days in it hasn't crossed my mind to keep my surname. We're going to start a family and I'd love all of us to have the same surname, as we're playing for the same team. My soon to be husband is ecstatic as well that I'm taking his surname. I was aware that women with fancy careers or with research published under their names kept their surnames at higher rates as they had build a name under their maiden surname. However, I started noticing a similar trend among women with less public careers and even homemakers who I know for a fact are married. I can't imagine having a different surname than my children, but it looks like some women see nothing wrong with this. Is there a reason for this? Doesn't it cause problems the road? Just asking out of curiosity.

As someone who divorced, it's so annoying to have to change your name back. It just adds to the frustration of the situation and makes me feel like I changed my name for nothing and am going back to being a young adult again or something. It also makes it hard to date again keeping your ex's last name. I wish I had just kept my name. Maybe hyphenated it. You can still be part of "insert family last name" and not have that be your last name. No one cares anymore.

Totally disagree with your last two sentences. My friends and family absolutely lose their minds if you call them the Miller family if they didn’t change their names. They want to be Jennifer Jones and the Miller family I guess? Or Jennifer Jones, Matt Miller, and family. Actually I’ve been told different ways they want to be referred to by different people. It really makes Christmas cards hard.

I address cards to the Jones/Miller family and be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex wife kept my last name and I am getting remarried. She didn't change it because it is so much paperwork. She said my new wife will be #2 and she will always be #1 even though we are no longer married lol. She is delusional.

I've been married for over 20 years. I am not changing my name again. And I have the same name as my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have always wished we could do it like South America. There are two last names. So if Jane Smith married John Doe, their kids would be Larlo Middlename Smith Doe. And everyone would know which was the moms name and which the dads.

I debated giving my kids a second middle name of my maiden name.

That's what our daughter has. The middle name ends up being "Rose (maiden name)".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People may think you are a divorcee or a difficult person if you haven't taken the last name. I said the silent part out loud, it does matter

If that’s the case, count me in for being a difficult person. 🤣

Not only did I keep my name but get this, my KIDS have MY name and not my husband’s, and we are very happily married, and he is an amazing man.

Don’t buy wholesale what society sells you, and you might just be happier in the long run.

Your post speaks volumes, not once did you mention your husband's feelings or thoughts.

LOL

It's my name.

If my husband was the type to care or expect it, I would not have married him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In daily life, having the same surname as your spouse and children can streamline administrative tasks related to schooling, medical care, and legal matters. It removes the need for additional documentation to prove family relationships, making these often routine yet crucial tasks more straightforward.

FALSE. My kids are adults and I've never once had an issue.

Beyond practicalities, adopting your husband's surname symbolizes the unity and commitment within a marriage. It fosters a strong sense of family identity and belonging, reinforcing the familial bonds. This symbolic gesture is a powerful expression of the new life and journey you embark on together as a family.

NOPE. My name has no bearing on my commitment or our sense of family identity. But, we are a family of big thinkers.

You don't need to denigrate my choice to justify yours (besides speaking about things you clearly haven't lived.)

Alright, let's cut to the chase. While your experience is totally valid, it's kind of the exception rather than the rule. Most folks – about 85% – do end up taking their spouse's last name. This isn't just a random thing; it shows that for a lot of people, there's real value in sharing a name, be it for practical stuff, emotional reasons, or a bit of both. It's cool that you didn't have any issues keeping your name, but for loads of others, it's a different story. Everyone's journey is unique, but when you look at the big picture, the majority leans towards changing their name.

Not PP. The majority of people do not change their surname, just women do. Men do not change their surnames for practical or emotional reasons because their wives are expected to be the ones doing the change. The fact that only women do this says a lot about women's position in marriage and how deeply is this surname changing "emotionality" is tied with sexism.

And it depends a lot on your social circle. In my broad circle (like the 100 ppl I know best from college / grad school / DC / neighborhood / kids' friends' parents) I would say 10-20% changed their name at most. It's very uncommon among my close friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking your husband's name in marriage offers a harmonious blend of tradition, practicality, and symbolism, outweighing the potential drawbacks for many couples. This choice, as exemplified by influential women like Hillary Clinton and Melinda Gates, demonstrates that adopting your husband's surname doesn't hinder professional growth or personal identity; rather, it can complement and enrich them.

One of the standout advantages is the ease it brings to international travel, particularly in customs and immigration processes. Families sharing the same surname often experience smoother and quicker procedures, a significant benefit in today's globalized world. This commonality in the family name simplifies the identification process, especially useful when traveling with children.

In daily life, having the same surname as your spouse and children can streamline administrative tasks related to schooling, medical care, and legal matters. It removes the need for additional documentation to prove family relationships, making these often routine yet crucial tasks more straightforward.

Beyond practicalities, adopting your husband's surname symbolizes the unity and commitment within a marriage. It fosters a strong sense of family identity and belonging, reinforcing the familial bonds. This symbolic gesture is a powerful expression of the new life and journey you embark on together as a family.

In essence, the benefits of taking your husband's name — from smoother travel experiences and simplified daily logistics to the symbolic representation of family unity — significantly outweigh the cons. It's a choice that seamlessly blends tradition with modernity, allowing women to maintain their professional and personal identities while celebrating their marital bond and family unity.

- We travel all the time, including many international countries in Europe, Asia, South America and have NEVER been delayed or had problems with different last names.
- My husband and I have been married and can't say I feel not united because we have differing last names. Kids don't even mind nor get questioned at school why we all have differing surnames. There are no issues with symbolic anything.
- We have not ran into any administrative issues relating to differing surnames.

You sound like you live in the 1950's. Get out a little and realize we are about to celebrate 2024!

[Anonymous]

My maiden last name was commonly mispronounced, and I liked my husband's last name better. I kept my maiden name as my middle, and took his last name. I enjoy having the same last name as my kids and my husband - it's easier than the alternative. I feel a little sheepish when some of my feminist friends say they don't know anyone who took their spouse's name. I was in my mid-20s when I got married so hadn't established myself professionally, which made it an easy choice to take his last name. I've had colleagues change their last names mid-career and that's fine too. We have a few PhD/professor friends who have published papers, and if I was in that situation I may have considered keeping my last name or using two last names. No regrets 15 years later.

[Anonymous]

When my new wife wouldn't change her name I knew the marriage would end in divorce. I should have done it sooner, rather than wait 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the title says: I'm getting married in a few days in it hasn't crossed my mind to keep my surname. We're going to start a family and I'd love all of us to have the same surname, as we're playing for the same team. My soon to be husband is ecstatic as well that I'm taking his surname. I was aware that women with fancy careers or with research published under their names kept their surnames at higher rates as they had build a name under their maiden surname. However, I started noticing a similar trend among women with less public careers and even homemakers who I know for a fact are married. I can't imagine having a different surname than my children, but it looks like some women see nothing wrong with this. Is there a reason for this? Doesn't it cause problems the road? Just asking out of curiosity.

As someone who divorced, it's so annoying to have to change your name back. It just adds to the frustration of the situation and makes me feel like I changed my name for nothing and am going back to being a young adult again or something. It also makes it hard to date again keeping your ex's last name. I wish I had just kept my name. Maybe hyphenated it. You can still be part of "insert family last name" and not have that be your last name. No one cares anymore.

Yeah...same here (except I'm not datine) and plus, I never had a middle name (I wasn't even named for a week after birth, I'm lucky I have at least ONE name-it was the 70's lol) so I became Larla Maidename Lastname. So if I dropped the ex's name it leaves me with no middle name and most computerized stuff assumes a middle name or initial. I kept ex's name as my govt name and go by Larla Maidename socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t change my name after marriage but I did after I had my first baby. I’m sure it was all the hormones, but I couldn’t stand not having the same name as her. It was a bit of a hassle and I still have a credit card with my maiden name, but overall it was no big deal, either professionally or personally. The world is used to people changing their names and there are procedures in place to do so.

I understand the patriarchy argument, but ultimately, the last name I had at birth is as arbitrary as the last name my husband had at birth. Both were the product of 30+ generations of couples having the same last name and unless there’s a hereditary title or something, it doesn’t really signify.

I also do a ton of volunteer work with my kid’s school’s PTA. I see forms filled out and donations made where the parent’s and child’s last names don’t match. I also see where they do match. Either way is extraordinarily common and nobody cares or judges. Just make sure if your name is different that you put down your kids name! If I don’t know you, I have no idea that the permission slip signed by Larla Jones is for Larlo Smith!

If the man's and the woman's names are equally arbitrary, why do you rarely see children being given their mother's surname or men changing their surname to match that of his wife's/children? There's nothing equal about how surnames are chosen. Everyone has the right to choose any surname they want but to argue that the tradition is not unequal is dishonest.

Until 2002, married women in DC were required by law to give their children their husband's last name.

Think about that, people......2002!

https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/local/2002/05/25/dc-yields-to-parents-on-babies-surnames/073666df-7cb1-4fd6-9058-1c1590880acc/

Many other states had similar laws which have long been overturned on the basis of equal rights.

What on earth...

I have a friend who changed doctors in the middle of her pregnancy in order to deliver in Maryland, for this very reason. Her father was a Holocaust survivor, the only member of his family who did not die in the death camps. My friend wanted to give her child her last name (her father's last name) so that his name would continue to the next generation, and she was not permitted to do this if she delivered in the District.

Crazy.

[Anonymous]

We all have our father’s last name. I had no problem changing mine when I got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People may think you are a divorcee or a difficult person if you haven't taken the last name. I said the silent part out loud, it does matter

If that’s the case, count me in for being a difficult person. 🤣

Not only did I keep my name but get this, my KIDS have MY name and not my husband’s, and we are very happily married, and he is an amazing man.

Don’t buy wholesale what society sells you, and you might just be happier in the long run.

Your post speaks volumes, not once did you mention your husband's feelings or thoughts.

Yes, you see, that’s because I’m a difficult person. Whatever you need to feed the false narrative that keeps you feeling superior…

I’m the person you are quoting above but I see someone else has also responded in similar fashion. Glad to hear there are many of us difficult women. 💪