Millennials feel 'abandoned' by parents not available to help raise grandkids: 'Too busy'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s clear that the whole notion that families should move to different edges of the country and fend for themselves doesn’t work. This isn’t really evident until you have kids . . . I moved from DC to a smaller town where people tend to have local family (and where I have family). It’s better to have grandma than a babysitter, but it’s also nice to be close enough to help when grandma has medical issues. No amount of hiring/outsourcing can replace the ease/comfort of family.

Totally agree with you. Where I grew up wasn't really a small town but the educational opportunities were either gigantic monolith state schools where years in you most likely wouldn't get into the major of your choice or school so small no one even in state has ever heard of them. I also didn't get into the one really good school somewhat nearby.

I agree that the real issue isn't Boomer grandparents but the lack of support in general for families with two working parents. As a Gen X, many things have changed since I was a kid, including more families with two working parents, workloads that are inconsistent and intrude into what should be non-working hours, longer commutes, and inconsistent school calendars with many random days off and hours that don't align with work hours, etc. The typical DCUM response to parents who complain about how difficult it is to manage their jobs and parenting responsibilities is to say, "You should not have had kids you can't afford," as if anyone who lacks the ability to employ a household staff should be childfree. In truth, outsourcing household and childcare responsibilities presents an additional burden. There has to be a better way because the expectation that each family can make it without outside help is unrealistic.

The fact that you think millennials invented dual income families, jobs with long hours and after hour responsibilities, long commutes, and school calendars/hours that don't align with office hours is why people make fun of millennials. I don't know where you grew up, but, my boomer parents in a UMC community in a major metro area dealt with all of this, without any family support. Most of my friend's parents were the same. I don't think boomers are perfect, but, this idea that they had everything easy and now it is so much harder is simply not true. I'm genx born in 1973. I have so much more flexibility than either of my parents did (for most of their career).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like a lot of millennials refuse to do the math. When I was small, my grandma was in her 50s. People complaining about lack of help when “my parents’ parents helped them”: how old are your parents? My guess is, substantially older than their parents were when you were born.

It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a societal change. Complaining won’t help.

My mom had me at 23. My paternal grandmother was 52 and maternal 56. I had two siblings: 5 years later and 13 years later. So when my youngest sibling was born they were 65 and 69. My nana lived with us for a year around 70 and provide FT care to my youngest and helped my mom out. All 3 of us spent multiple summers with my paternal grandparents for weeks on end.

I had my son at 31. My mom was 54. She is currently 60 and still FT working.

The difference between the generations is not age. It is that our generation of grandparents were more likely to have SAHM/housemakers whereas our kids grandparents are in the workforce. The grandparents I see providing childcare in this day and age are either SAHM or retired. You have incrementally less SAHM with each generation therefore its going to continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s clear that the whole notion that families should move to different edges of the country and fend for themselves doesn’t work. This isn’t really evident until you have kids . . . I moved from DC to a smaller town where people tend to have local family (and where I have family). It’s better to have grandma than a babysitter, but it’s also nice to be close enough to help when grandma has medical issues. No amount of hiring/outsourcing can replace the ease/comfort of family.

Totally agree with you. Where I grew up wasn't really a small town but the educational opportunities were either gigantic monolith state schools where years in you most likely wouldn't get into the major of your choice or school so small no one even in state has ever heard of them. I also didn't get into the one really good school somewhat nearby.

I agree that the real issue isn't Boomer grandparents but the lack of support in general for families with two working parents. As a Gen X, many things have changed since I was a kid, including more families with two working parents, workloads that are inconsistent and intrude into what should be non-working hours, longer commutes, and inconsistent school calendars with many random days off and hours that don't align with work hours, etc. The typical DCUM response to parents who complain about how difficult it is to manage their jobs and parenting responsibilities is to say, "You should not have had kids you can't afford," as if anyone who lacks the ability to employ a household staff should be childfree. In truth, outsourcing household and childcare responsibilities presents an additional burden. There has to be a better way because the expectation that each family can make it without outside help is unrealistic.

The fact that you think millennials invented dual income families, jobs with long hours and after hour responsibilities, long commutes, and school calendars/hours that don't align with office hours is why people make fun of millennials. I don't know where you grew up, but, my boomer parents in a UMC community in a major metro area dealt with all of this, without any family support. Most of my friend's parents were the same. I don't think boomers are perfect, but, this idea that they had everything easy and now it is so much harder is simply not true. I'm genx born in 1973. I have so much more flexibility than either of my parents did (for most of their career).

I'm the PP, and I'm a Gen X older than you are. My experience was very different from yours, perhaps because I grew up in a very middle-class community where most mothers stayed home or worked part-time, had extended family nearby, and most people had jobs close by where they lived.

So who took care of you when you were young?

[Anonymous]

The entitlement on this board is astounding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This just so does not resonate for me. All the boomer grandparents I know would loose to spend more time with their grandkids. My neighbor has offered. to watch her granddaughter as many days as possible but the mom thinks it’s better for the child to have consistency in childcare (which is fine). I know lots of millennials who want to limit the grandparents time or really control how/when etc. My sister who is a boomer flies to her kids houses all the time to help out if one parent is traveling or they want to take a kid free vacation.
I do wonder if people are making it really hard for their parents to care for the kids by putting a ton of restrictions on it. My grandmother watched me almost daily. Did she do it the way my mom would have wanted? Probably not. I are a LOT of pudding and she let me watch some questionable TV. But it was fine. You have to be a little flexible and not treat your parents like employees. I definitely see some millennials who would rather pay someone they can micromanage than let their parents have some leeway. My approach is to set out some basic safety standards (careers, sleeping on back, etc.). But otherwise let it go.

This!! Barely boomer here, 59. We work f-t still but do watch and spend time with our grandchildren often. We live close, enjoy them and want to create memories. Daughter is SAHM w/ a PHD, which is FINE but stop complaining about money. When we have the kids, there are so many rules. We can't have the news on, any programs we watch together have to be previously approved, they don't like them around some family members for stupid reasons, have to approve our friends who come by (it seems by comments made by the kids). The older ones read ingredients on everything we feed them. I do cook very healthy and mostly have adjusted but it IS A LOT and we get tattled on. We are made to feel like the children sometimes and it's ridiculous but it's still, "We need a break" and they get help. Let us be the grandparents. Let us keep them alive like we did you. UGH!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

As I explained earlier, the annoying part is that they can’t watch the kids for 15 minutes. They ask us to go out of our way for them to see grandkids, but cannot watch them for 15 min. They live a life of leisure that is obnoxious and we don’t want to go out of our way for them anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s weird. Why would you be annoyed by that? They’re your kids.

They live a life of leisure while I work nonstop. It gets annoying when they want to see the grandkids but cannot watch them for 15 minutes so I can get work done.

Won’t you travel when you retire? Of will you devote your retirement to grandkids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a multi-gen household and I have inbuilt childcare. DH and I, also pay for a part-time nanny so that my ILs do not get tired or are tied down. The fact that my ILs keep an eye on the nanny and other domestic staff (cleaners, part-time cook, yard maintenance) means that I can continue with having a life, my career, time with my kids and vacations.

My suggestion would be to live in a multi-gen family and you will have help for childcare, eldercare, pet care, plant care, home maintenance, socialization and running of the household and life.

I am sure that is completely unacceptable to the self-centered American millennials.

Lady you are talking about domestic staff. Kindly STFU. You have oodles of funds to have a multi-gen household function for all parties.

Ooodles of funds happen because of "Pooled Resources", you brain-dead crybaby! And that not only saves everyone money, but we are able to have a good standard of living for a fraction of cost.

My ILs and us are jointly maintaining only one household. They are the alloparents for my kids. We can easily put money towards outsourcing so that all of us can live a better and comfortable lifestyle because of this lifestyle choice.
Let me share a secret with you, this is how generational wealth is created.

You guys are unhappy and poor and will remain so! You expect your boomer parents to help you? It will never happen in a million years because all of you have normalized the dysfunction of your own family life and culture. You are not even open to copy what works for others because self-centeredness is in your fiber. Further, you all lack the EQ and intelligence to make a multi-gen family a viable solution for you. Heck, how many of you will have even your marriage survive in the next 10 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s weird. Why would you be annoyed by that? They’re your kids.

They live a life of leisure while I work nonstop. It gets annoying when they want to see the grandkids but cannot watch them for 15 minutes so I can get work done.

Won’t you travel when you retire? Of will you devote your retirement to grandkids?

We would strike a balance. Of course we would help grandkids some of the time. I don’t want my kids to deal with incompetent grandparents like I have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s weird. Why would you be annoyed by that? They’re your kids.

They live a life of leisure while I work nonstop. It gets annoying when they want to see the grandkids but cannot watch them for 15 minutes so I can get work done.

I really think this is unrelated to the generation and is more related to that is just how your parents are.

I agree. My children’s grandparents have given them everything. My mother took my children every weekend when they were young. She babysat every day when I went back to school to gain a different skill. She stayed at our house when we went away without the kids. My kids were lucky to have such a great relationship.

My in-laws did travel a lot but they paid for everything. They were in their 50s when our first child was born and said that they didn’t want to hoard their money, they wanted us to have it while they were still alive. They bought the house, cash gifts every year, paying every dime for college, activities, and have set aside enough money for their grandchildren so that’s one less thing they have to worry about.

The stereotype is just that. Plenty of children have great relationships with their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

As I explained earlier, the annoying part is that they can’t watch the kids for 15 minutes. They ask us to go out of our way for them to see grandkids, but cannot watch them for 15 min. They live a life of leisure that is obnoxious and we don’t want to go out of our way for them anymore.

Then don't do it. Let them live their well deserved life of leisure. In the meanwhile, you can just - make more money, have less children, live frugally, exercise more, make home cooked nutritious meals. and rehome your pets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

+1. The sense of entitlement is beyond me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

+1. The sense of entitlement is beyond me.

From our perspective, it is the grandparents who are entitled and making demands of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

+1. The sense of entitlement is beyond me.

From our perspective, it is the grandparents who are entitled and making demands of us.

What demands are they making of you?