Millennials feel 'abandoned' by parents not available to help raise grandkids: 'Too busy'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents- especially my mother/ are worthless. But my kids are not their responsibility. I’m happy to not be indebted to them on a thing.

Agree. Their eldercare won’t be my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a Millennial and my parents did get some help from their parents/my grandparents but it did come with conditions, of course. I couldn’t do overnights at my maternal grandparents because their health wasn’t good enough. Couldn’t go to the other set of grandparents during the day some days because grandma was working and grandpa wouldn’t have watched me alone. But they or my great aunt were usually able to step in if I was too sick for school or day care.

The main problem now seems to be that fewer people live near their families. As the jobs consolidated in the big urban centers, we all left our Midwestern/Southern small town home towns for a few big cities. I wish we lived closer to both sets of grandparents but it’s not the reality.

Same here. We just couldn't have the same jobs in our hometowns. That's a choice, but we worked hard to get into our careers. I'm lucky because my boomer parents actually do help out a lot when they are able to visit us.

Yep. My mom would watch my kids if I moved closer to her. No way in h*** do I want to live there! MIL offered to move in and provide childcare, but she is untreated bipolar, so no thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Millennial here in this situation. It doesn’t bother me that our parents live their lives and are having fun, what bothers me are the snide remarks about how much money we spend on childcare.

Late Gen X'er here, with the same opinion. My parents are early Boomers (born in the late 40s) and, due to infertility, DH and I didn't have our kids until our late 30s, so I have a combo of older parents and very young children. My dad is still perfectly capable of handling my kids, but my mom has lots of health issues, so we don't depend on them for any sort of help at all. I'm fine with that - after all, they're our kids. But it drives me crazy when my mom makes comments about the cost of our childcare, or how she doesn't understand why DH and I don't go out together more often, or take weekends to travel together, that sort of thing. She and my dad did those sort of things all the time when I was a child, but my grandmother and 2 of my aunts lived within 10 minutes of us, and they watched me all the time. My mom went back to work after I was born, and my parents never paid a cent on childcare, because family was always available to take care of me. DH and I don't have that option. For some reason, my mom can't see the difference in our situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Millennial here in this situation. It doesn’t bother me that our parents live their lives and are having fun, what bothers me are the snide remarks about how much money we spend on childcare.

+1

THIS.

[Anonymous]

It's fine for gparents to live however they want. But if they aren't willing to invest in the relationship, they can't complain when..... there isn't one.
It does s*ck to have retired parents who choose to live far away and/or never travel to visit but, it is what it is. I don't understand it - if I had grandkids I'd want to see them as often as possible. But different priorities for different folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents- especially my mother/ are worthless. But my kids are not their responsibility. I’m happy to not be indebted to them on a thing.

Agree. Their eldercare won’t be my problem.

+1

Unless your Boomer mom barely worked 9-5, if at all, and your dad's job covers all the essentials, including a posh retirement home. Must be nice.

[Anonymous]

My friend lived directly across the street from her mom and got FREE full time child care for three kids all of their youth. The value of that is incalculable. Incalculable, and not just in terms of money. And everyone involved loved the situation.

God bless that grandma that is for sure.

[Anonymous]

It never would occur to me to be angry at my parents for my own choices.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a large UMC family, which has been large for generations.

In families like this, most of the kids don't get much grandparent care, even back in the day. The first set of grandkids usually get all the grandparent care (also helps that the first set of grandkids in families like this are born when grandmother is usually still in her 40s--my grandma was 42 when her first grandkids were born) . My grandmothers both watched their first set of grandkids, but not the ones that were younger.

[Anonymous]

I live in a multi-gen household and I have inbuilt childcare. DH and I, also pay for a part-time nanny so that my ILs do not get tired or are tied down. The fact that my ILs keep an eye on the nanny and other domestic staff (cleaners, part-time cook, yard maintenance) means that I can continue with having a life, my career, time with my kids and vacations.

My suggestion would be to live in a multi-gen family and you will have help for childcare, eldercare, pet care, plant care, home maintenance, socialization and running of the household and life.

I am sure that is completely unacceptable to the self-centered American millennials.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And barely Gen Exer Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I don’t remember very many kids with grandparents helping out. I remember latch key kids instead. It certainly wasn’t the norm in either of my parent’s extended families.

+1. I am genx with boomer parents. We had no extended family close by to "babysit", and I only had 2 close friends who had grandparents close enough that they saw them regularly. I grew up in a wealthier community so there were plenty of SAHMs. There were also a contingent of latch key kids (I was one and loved it!). I grew up in a suburb of Dallas. Most people were not from there (they were from other parts of TX or the South). Maybe it depends on what region you are from?

I've never heard my parents complain once that they did not have parenting support from grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s clear that the whole notion that families should move to different edges of the country and fend for themselves doesn’t work. This isn’t really evident until you have kids . . . I moved from DC to a smaller town where people tend to have local family (and where I have family). It’s better to have grandma than a babysitter, but it’s also nice to be close enough to help when grandma has medical issues. No amount of hiring/outsourcing can replace the ease/comfort of family.

Totally agree with you. Where I grew up wasn't really a small town but the educational opportunities were either gigantic monolith state schools where years in you most likely wouldn't get into the major of your choice or school so small no one even in state has ever heard of them. I also didn't get into the one really good school somewhat nearby.

I agree that the real issue isn't Boomer grandparents but the lack of support in general for families with two working parents. As a Gen X, many things have changed since I was a kid, including more families with two working parents, workloads that are inconsistent and intrude into what should be non-working hours, longer commutes, and inconsistent school calendars with many random days off and hours that don't align with work hours, etc. The typical DCUM response to parents who complain about how difficult it is to manage their jobs and parenting responsibilities is to say, "You should not have had kids you can't afford," as if anyone who lacks the ability to employ a household staff should be childfree. In truth, outsourcing household and childcare responsibilities presents an additional burden. There has to be a better way because the expectation that each family can make it without outside help is unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Realistically, the world will be a better place when the boomers are gone.

They ruin everything and whine incessantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do grandparents owe their children and grandchildren anything? Yes, it would be great if they could help out but some of your are downright entitled. You think your parents still owe you their time and effort? How messed up is that?

Why do we owe you Social security or medicare?

The average boomer never paid enough into those systems, which is why they're going broke.

That’s not how it works.

For decades Boomers vehementy opposed paying more taxes to shore up SS or medicare. Instead they always pushed for expanding yet abother benefit for themselves. So they're getting way more out of those systems than they ever paid in. Now Millennials are left holding the bag with all this national debt while Boomers basically have the gov pay for their viagra and pleasure cruises.

Precisely. Most selfish generation in history.

Still not how it works. SS has never been a get what you pay in. It’s always been you get what the current working generations pay in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in a multi-gen household and I have inbuilt childcare. DH and I, also pay for a part-time nanny so that my ILs do not get tired or are tied down. The fact that my ILs keep an eye on the nanny and other domestic staff (cleaners, part-time cook, yard maintenance) means that I can continue with having a life, my career, time with my kids and vacations.

My suggestion would be to live in a multi-gen family and you will have help for childcare, eldercare, pet care, plant care, home maintenance, socialization and running of the household and life.

I am sure that is completely unacceptable to the self-centered American millennials.

Lady you are talking about domestic staff. Kindly STFU. You have oodles of funds to have a multi-gen household function for all parties.