Millennials feel 'abandoned' by parents not available to help raise grandkids: 'Too busy'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

+1. The sense of entitlement is beyond me.

From our perspective, it is the grandparents who are entitled and making demands of us.

What demands are they making of you?

.

To have grandkids, to see the grandkids on holidays, to host them at our house, to FaceTime with them, to send them pictures and give them updates. But they can’t lift a finger. We just don’t have the time for that anymore. It just creates more work for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This just so does not resonate for me. All the boomer grandparents I know would loose to spend more time with their grandkids. My neighbor has offered to watch her granddaughter as many days as possible but the mom thinks it’s better for the child to have consistency in childcare (which is fine). I know lots of millennials who want to limit the grandparents time or really control how/when etc. My sister who is a boomer flies to her kids houses all the time to help out if one parent is traveling or they want to take a kid free vacation.
I do wonder if people are making it really hard for their parents to care for the kids by putting a ton of restrictions on it. My grandmother watched me almost daily. Did she do it the way my mom would have wanted? Probably not. I are a LOT of pudding and she let me watch some questionable TV. But it was fine. You have to be a little flexible and not treat your parents like employees. I definitely see some millennials who would rather pay someone they can micromanage than let their parents have some leeway. My approach is to set out some basic safety standards (careers, sleeping on back, etc.). But otherwise let it go.

THIS! Barely boomer Grandma here, 59. We do watch and spend time with our grandchildren often because we love, enjoy and want to have relationships with them. Our daughter is a SAHM w/ a PHD, which is FINE but stop complaining about money. SIL has very flexible schedule so he can be present almost as much. We help out but there are so many rules and requirements. The more kids they have, the more rules they come up with. We can't have on the news, all programs must be pre-approved (I got in trouble for looney toons) Don't get me started on the food restrictions. I cook healthy but the older kids are constantly reading labels on everything. They don't like kids around certain family members for stupid reasons and seem to want to approve all of our friends (from comments the kids have made). Not everyone can be exactly like them or have the exact same beliefs. This is life. Let us be the Grandparents, love your kids and keep them happy and alive like we did you. You would have even more help if you would let it be organic and easier for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a multi-gen household and I have inbuilt childcare. DH and I, also pay for a part-time nanny so that my ILs do not get tired or are tied down. The fact that my ILs keep an eye on the nanny and other domestic staff (cleaners, part-time cook, yard maintenance) means that I can continue with having a life, my career, time with my kids and vacations.

My suggestion would be to live in a multi-gen family and you will have help for childcare, eldercare, pet care, plant care, home maintenance, socialization and running of the household and life.

I am sure that is completely unacceptable to the self-centered American millennials.

Lady you are talking about domestic staff. Kindly STFU. You have oodles of funds to have a multi-gen household function for all parties.

Ooodles of funds happen because of "Pooled Resources", you brain-dead crybaby! And that not only saves everyone money, but we are able to have a good standard of living for a fraction of cost.

My ILs and us are jointly maintaining only one household. They are the alloparents for my kids. We can easily put money towards outsourcing so that all of us can live a better and comfortable lifestyle because of this lifestyle choice.
Let me share a secret with you, this is how generational wealth is created.

You guys are unhappy and poor and will remain so! You expect your boomer parents to help you? It will never happen in a million years because all of you have normalized the dysfunction of your own family life and culture. You are not even open to copy what works for others because self-centeredness is in your fiber. Further, you all lack the EQ and intelligence to make a multi-gen family a viable solution for you. Heck, how many of you will have even your marriage survive in the next 10 years?

My immigrant parents tell me that many of their friends who are in this situation are feeling abused by their kids and the amount of work they demanding the grandparents do to take care of the household while they are out working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

+1. The sense of entitlement is beyond me.

From our perspective, it is the grandparents who are entitled and making demands of us.

What demands are they making of you?

.

To have grandkids, to see the grandkids on holidays, to host them at our house, to FaceTime with them, to send them pictures and give them updates. But they can’t lift a finger. We just don’t have the time for that anymore. It just creates more work for us.

You should never had kids. You are unfit for the job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This just so does not resonate for me. All the boomer grandparents I know would loose to spend more time with their grandkids. My neighbor has offered. to watch her granddaughter as many days as possible but the mom thinks it’s better for the child to have consistency in childcare (which is fine). I know lots of millennials who want to limit the grandparents time or really control how/when etc. My sister who is a boomer flies to her kids houses all the time to help out if one parent is traveling or they want to take a kid free vacation.
I do wonder if people are making it really hard for their parents to care for the kids by putting a ton of restrictions on it. My grandmother watched me almost daily. Did she do it the way my mom would have wanted? Probably not. I are a LOT of pudding and she let me watch some questionable TV. But it was fine. You have to be a little flexible and not treat your parents like employees. I definitely see some millennials who would rather pay someone they can micromanage than let their parents have some leeway. My approach is to set out some basic safety standards (careers, sleeping on back, etc.). But otherwise let it go.

This!! Barely boomer here, 59. We work f-t still but do watch and spend time with our grandchildren often. We live close, enjoy them and want to create memories. Daughter is SAHM w/ a PHD, which is FINE but stop complaining about money. When we have the kids, there are so many rules. We can't have the news on, any programs we watch together have to be previously approved, they don't like them around some family members for stupid reasons, have to approve our friends who come by (it seems by comments made by the kids). The older ones read ingredients on everything we feed them. I do cook very healthy and mostly have adjusted but it IS A LOT and we get tattled on. We are made to feel like the children sometimes and it's ridiculous but it's still, "We need a break" and they get help. Let us be the grandparents. Let us keep them alive like we did you. UGH!!

Fair. I expect my parents would say the same. From my perspective they feed the kids way too much crap - like literally feed them sugar all day until the barf, and then tell us the kids must not have been feeling well. I’m not into that. So we accept only a couple babysitting offers a year. But I also don’t complain about not having help! I’m fully aware my parents would help more if we let them. I just don’t like the kind of help they provide. They are wonderful people and the kids see them often - at least every other week - but not on their own. In the context of family dinners or outings where I am present to say no to the third, fourth, tenth junk food offered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it with Boomers NEVER calling? And then complaining we never call when we call semi regularly? If they don't like the frequency, why don't they call more?

My kids would love to talk on the phone but our parents only want facetime and my kids even think that's intrusive. EVERYONE hates facetime! I can't even tell you how many tantrums my kids have had over having to be on facetime with grandparents.

That’s really odd. No, everyone does not hate FaceTime. Of course they want to see their faces. I’ve never heard of a kid who called a grandparent’s FaceTime call intrusive. Puzzling.

[Anonymous]

Biden has ruined life with massive inflation and sticker shock. No way anybody can stay home with kids. Boomer grandparents from massive loser and mental midget Biden generation need to help out with the Biden misery index.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s clear that the whole notion that families should move to different edges of the country and fend for themselves doesn’t work. This isn’t really evident until you have kids . . . I moved from DC to a smaller town where people tend to have local family (and where I have family). It’s better to have grandma than a babysitter, but it’s also nice to be close enough to help when grandma has medical issues. No amount of hiring/outsourcing can replace the ease/comfort of family.

Totally agree with you. Where I grew up wasn't really a small town but the educational opportunities were either gigantic monolith state schools where years in you most likely wouldn't get into the major of your choice or school so small no one even in state has ever heard of them. I also didn't get into the one really good school somewhat nearby.

I agree that the real issue isn't Boomer grandparents but the lack of support in general for families with two working parents. As a Gen X, many things have changed since I was a kid, including more families with two working parents, workloads that are inconsistent and intrude into what should be non-working hours, longer commutes, and inconsistent school calendars with many random days off and hours that don't align with work hours, etc. The typical DCUM response to parents who complain about how difficult it is to manage their jobs and parenting responsibilities is to say, "You should not have had kids you can't afford," as if anyone who lacks the ability to employ a household staff should be childfree. In truth, outsourcing household and childcare responsibilities presents an additional burden. There has to be a better way because the expectation that each family can make it without outside help is unrealistic.

The fact that you think millennials invented dual income families, jobs with long hours and after hour responsibilities, long commutes, and school calendars/hours that don't align with office hours is why people make fun of millennials. I don't know where you grew up, but, my boomer parents in a UMC community in a major metro area dealt with all of this, without any family support. Most of my friend's parents were the same. I don't think boomers are perfect, but, this idea that they had everything easy and now it is so much harder is simply not true. I'm genx born in 1973. I have so much more flexibility than either of my parents did (for most of their career).

I'm the PP, and I'm a Gen X older than you are. My experience was very different from yours, perhaps because I grew up in a very middle-class community where most mothers stayed home or worked part-time, had extended family nearby, and most people had jobs close by where they lived.

So who took care of you when you were young?

Daycare or a babysitter (depended on age). Then we were latch key kids. I let myself in starting in 3rd grade.

[Anonymous]

This is not my experience. My parents (who are old boomers) are happy to help. I have never asked them and never would expect them to be my full time child care. My kids go to aftercare and summer camp etc. But my parents have always been happy to help out if DH and I get in a jam. They also watch the kids for date nights and weekend trips away. They love to travel and invite us along (and pay) on occasional trips so I can't complain about that! If you expect your parents to be your nanny or your aftercare every day sure that's going to be limiting on them. I don't blame them for wanting to be able to do other things on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

+1. The sense of entitlement is beyond me.

From our perspective, it is the grandparents who are entitled and making demands of us.

What demands are they making of you?

.

To have grandkids, to see the grandkids on holidays, to host them at our house, to FaceTime with them, to send them pictures and give them updates. But they can’t lift a finger. We just don’t have the time for that anymore. It just creates more work for us.

You should never had kids. You are unfit for the job.

Not at all. We just see the priorities of our grandparents clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m gen x but my grandparents were very involved with my life. My boomer mom never even calls my kids. It’s very sad.

Same. My grandparents ALWAYS watched us. My own parents? Nothing. Boomers are indeed selfish. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

+1. The sense of entitlement is beyond me.

From our perspective, it is the grandparents who are entitled and making demands of us.

What demands are they making of you?

.

To have grandkids, to see the grandkids on holidays, to host them at our house, to FaceTime with them, to send them pictures and give them updates. But they can’t lift a finger. We just don’t have the time for that anymore. It just creates more work for us.

You should not have children, not visit them during holidays or host them, not FaceTime with them, not send them pictures and updates - just to SPITE THEM. It will show them.

In fact, you should adopt around 4 rescue pitfalls instead of having kids. It will be lovely!! You are right. Get a vasectomy/tubal ligation and then don't have children. That will show them!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

All of which you chose yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This just so does not resonate for me. All the boomer grandparents I know would loose to spend more time with their grandkids. My neighbor has offered. to watch her granddaughter as many days as possible but the mom thinks it’s better for the child to have consistency in childcare (which is fine). I know lots of millennials who want to limit the grandparents time or really control how/when etc. My sister who is a boomer flies to her kids houses all the time to help out if one parent is traveling or they want to take a kid free vacation.
I do wonder if people are making it really hard for their parents to care for the kids by putting a ton of restrictions on it. My grandmother watched me almost daily. Did she do it the way my mom would have wanted? Probably not. I are a LOT of pudding and she let me watch some questionable TV. But it was fine. You have to be a little flexible and not treat your parents like employees. I definitely see some millennials who would rather pay someone they can micromanage than let their parents have some leeway. My approach is to set out some basic safety standards (careers, sleeping on back, etc.). But otherwise let it go.

This!! Barely boomer here, 59. We work f-t still but do watch and spend time with our grandchildren often. We live close, enjoy them and want to create memories. Daughter is SAHM w/ a PHD, which is FINE but stop complaining about money. When we have the kids, there are so many rules. We can't have the news on, any programs we watch together have to be previously approved, they don't like them around some family members for stupid reasons, have to approve our friends who come by (it seems by comments made by the kids). The older ones read ingredients on everything we feed them. I do cook very healthy and mostly have adjusted but it IS A LOT and we get tattled on. We are made to feel like the children sometimes and it's ridiculous but it's still, "We need a break" and they get help. Let us be the grandparents. Let us keep them alive like we did you. UGH!!

Fair. I expect my parents would say the same. From my perspective they feed the kids way too much crap - like literally feed them sugar all day until the barf, and then tell us the kids must not have been feeling well. I’m not into that. So we accept only a couple babysitting offers a year. But I also don’t complain about not having help! I’m fully aware my parents would help more if we let them. I just don’t like the kind of help they provide. They are wonderful people and the kids see them often - at least every other week - but not on their own. In the context of family dinners or outings where I am present to say no to the third, fourth, tenth junk food offered.

Yeah, that's not us. We want them healthy and happy. It's just over the top with the rules. We follow them because we want to be involved. It just seems overboard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s clear that the whole notion that families should move to different edges of the country and fend for themselves doesn’t work. This isn’t really evident until you have kids . . . I moved from DC to a smaller town where people tend to have local family (and where I have family). It’s better to have grandma than a babysitter, but it’s also nice to be close enough to help when grandma has medical issues. No amount of hiring/outsourcing can replace the ease/comfort of family.

Totally agree with you. Where I grew up wasn't really a small town but the educational opportunities were either gigantic monolith state schools where years in you most likely wouldn't get into the major of your choice or school so small no one even in state has ever heard of them. I also didn't get into the one really good school somewhat nearby.

I agree that the real issue isn't Boomer grandparents but the lack of support in general for families with two working parents. As a Gen X, many things have changed since I was a kid, including more families with two working parents, workloads that are inconsistent and intrude into what should be non-working hours, longer commutes, and inconsistent school calendars with many random days off and hours that don't align with work hours, etc. The typical DCUM response to parents who complain about how difficult it is to manage their jobs and parenting responsibilities is to say, "You should not have had kids you can't afford," as if anyone who lacks the ability to employ a household staff should be childfree. In truth, outsourcing household and childcare responsibilities presents an additional burden. There has to be a better way because the expectation that each family can make it without outside help is unrealistic.

The fact that you think millennials invented dual income families, jobs with long hours and after hour responsibilities, long commutes, and school calendars/hours that don't align with office hours is why people make fun of millennials. I don't know where you grew up, but, my boomer parents in a UMC community in a major metro area dealt with all of this, without any family support. Most of my friend's parents were the same. I don't think boomers are perfect, but, this idea that they had everything easy and now it is so much harder is simply not true. I'm genx born in 1973. I have so much more flexibility than either of my parents did (for most of their career).

I'm the PP, and I'm a Gen X older than you are. My experience was very different from yours, perhaps because I grew up in a very middle-class community where most mothers stayed home or worked part-time, had extended family nearby, and most people had jobs close by where they lived.

So who took care of you when you were young?

Daycare or a babysitter (depended on age). Then we were latch key kids. I let myself in starting in 3rd grade.

Also gen x.
I had a “nanny” - I use that term loosely. And then in 4th grade my mother switched to a high school babysitter while she worked, but the sitter only showed up half the time. That’s when I became latchkey. Although I started walking home with friends in 2nd grade.