MIL ‘taking back’ Thanksgiving hosting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

OP, what would constitute a “good” reason in your mind?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

Here’s the thing: when you open a post with how great your new house is, and how much you love it, and therefore you want to begin hosting, that puts the emphasis on the house. Not on the family. If your wish is to have everyone in your space and share your excitement about the new house with them, just be up front about that. But the way OP framed it makes it all seem so fraught and intense.

Older people may feel some anxiety about their role in the family, or about having people to celebrate a holiday with at all. That can translate to all kinds of uncomfortable dynamics. It’s different than putting the house front and center.

You are reading way too much into poor OP's post. Personally, I have no attachment to Thanksgiving and would prefer to be a guest, but if OP wants to host, it's a perfectly reasonable announcement. MIL has legitimate feelings about it that I entirely understand as well. No one is a monster here! No one deserves to be excoriated. There is literally no wrong answer. A rotation would make sense. Perhaps OP can compromise this year, and be graceful to MIL, but she certainly deserves to be part of the rotation if she wants to, since it makes no difference in travel cost and time for the guests.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine insisting that my in-laws come to my house. All of the in-laws are closer to the MIL and Aunt and will do what they want. OP doesn't have enough power in this situation to decide that that the rotation now must include her house and that's the deal. She can unilaterally decide that every 3rd Thanksgiving she and her husband do their own thing, but that's not really part of the rotation if there is a competing dinner somewhere else. The DH siblings, cousins, grandparents will naturally just go to the MIL/Aunt house, as they have for decades, instead of their uptight SIL's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine insisting that my in-laws come to my house. All of the in-laws are closer to the MIL and Aunt and will do what they want. OP doesn't have enough power in this situation to decide that that the rotation now must include her house and that's the deal. She can unilaterally decide that every 3rd Thanksgiving she and her husband do their own thing, but that's not really part of the rotation if there is a competing dinner somewhere else. The DH siblings, cousins, grandparents will naturally just go to the MIL/Aunt house, as they have for decades, instead of their uptight SIL's.

Oops, looks like you missed the update where the aunt is confirmed at OP’s house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine insisting that my in-laws come to my house. All of the in-laws are closer to the MIL and Aunt and will do what they want. OP doesn't have enough power in this situation to decide that that the rotation now must include her house and that's the deal. She can unilaterally decide that every 3rd Thanksgiving she and her husband do their own thing, but that's not really part of the rotation if there is a competing dinner somewhere else. The DH siblings, cousins, grandparents will naturally just go to the MIL/Aunt house, as they have for decades, instead of their uptight SIL's.

Oops, looks like you missed the update where the aunt is confirmed at OP’s house.

Sure she is. OP would have included that in her post. I don't believe it for a second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine insisting that my in-laws come to my house. All of the in-laws are closer to the MIL and Aunt and will do what they want. OP doesn't have enough power in this situation to decide that that the rotation now must include her house and that's the deal. She can unilaterally decide that every 3rd Thanksgiving she and her husband do their own thing, but that's not really part of the rotation if there is a competing dinner somewhere else. The DH siblings, cousins, grandparents will naturally just go to the MIL/Aunt house, as they have for decades, instead of their uptight SIL's.

Please reread the thread.

Along the way, you will note that the Aunt has decided to come as previously planned to "uptight" OP's house for Thanksgiving this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine insisting that my in-laws come to my house. All of the in-laws are closer to the MIL and Aunt and will do what they want. OP doesn't have enough power in this situation to decide that that the rotation now must include her house and that's the deal. She can unilaterally decide that every 3rd Thanksgiving she and her husband do their own thing, but that's not really part of the rotation if there is a competing dinner somewhere else. The DH siblings, cousins, grandparents will naturally just go to the MIL/Aunt house, as they have for decades, instead of their uptight SIL's.

Oops, looks like you missed the update where the aunt is confirmed at OP’s house.

Sure she is. OP would have included that in her post. I don't believe it for a second.

DP. Because time stands still and people don't go on to make choices? Okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine insisting that my in-laws come to my house. All of the in-laws are closer to the MIL and Aunt and will do what they want. OP doesn't have enough power in this situation to decide that that the rotation now must include her house and that's the deal. She can unilaterally decide that every 3rd Thanksgiving she and her husband do their own thing, but that's not really part of the rotation if there is a competing dinner somewhere else. The DH siblings, cousins, grandparents will naturally just go to the MIL/Aunt house, as they have for decades, instead of their uptight SIL's.

Oops, looks like you missed the update where the aunt is confirmed at OP’s house.

Sure she is. OP would have included that in her post. I don't believe it for a second.

DP. Because time stands still and people don't go on to make choices? Okay.

On what planet is the aunt going to pice her nephew's house over her sister? Do you have a family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine insisting that my in-laws come to my house. All of the in-laws are closer to the MIL and Aunt and will do what they want. OP doesn't have enough power in this situation to decide that that the rotation now must include her house and that's the deal. She can unilaterally decide that every 3rd Thanksgiving she and her husband do their own thing, but that's not really part of the rotation if there is a competing dinner somewhere else. The DH siblings, cousins, grandparents will naturally just go to the MIL/Aunt house, as they have for decades, instead of their uptight SIL's.

Oops, looks like you missed the update where the aunt is confirmed at OP’s house.

Sure she is. OP would have included that in her post. I don't believe it for a second.

She posted yesterday and updated today. It is on page 4. You are welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine insisting that my in-laws come to my house. All of the in-laws are closer to the MIL and Aunt and will do what they want. OP doesn't have enough power in this situation to decide that that the rotation now must include her house and that's the deal. She can unilaterally decide that every 3rd Thanksgiving she and her husband do their own thing, but that's not really part of the rotation if there is a competing dinner somewhere else. The DH siblings, cousins, grandparents will naturally just go to the MIL/Aunt house, as they have for decades, instead of their uptight SIL's.

Oops, looks like you missed the update where the aunt is confirmed at OP’s house.

Sure she is. OP would have included that in her post. I don't believe it for a second.

DP. Because time stands still and people don't go on to make choices? Okay.

On what planet is the aunt going to pice her nephew's house over her sister? Do you have a family?

NP. Where are you getting that a woman who is described as “DH’s aunt” is automatically the sister of his mother? The aunt could also be the sister of DH’s father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine insisting that my in-laws come to my house. All of the in-laws are closer to the MIL and Aunt and will do what they want. OP doesn't have enough power in this situation to decide that that the rotation now must include her house and that's the deal. She can unilaterally decide that every 3rd Thanksgiving she and her husband do their own thing, but that's not really part of the rotation if there is a competing dinner somewhere else. The DH siblings, cousins, grandparents will naturally just go to the MIL/Aunt house, as they have for decades, instead of their uptight SIL's.

Oops, looks like you missed the update where the aunt is confirmed at OP’s house.

Sure she is. OP would have included that in her post. I don't believe it for a second.

DP. Because time stands still and people don't go on to make choices? Okay.

On what planet is the aunt going to pice her nephew's house over her sister? Do you have a family?

I have a family that makes plans and generally would feel terrible about changing them for no good reason, yes.

I also had a mother who -- when her son's wife expressed interest in hosting a holidy, if it works -- immediately said that was a wonderful thing for her to offer nad asked how she could help make it go smoothly her first time.

That's the kind of family I have. What kind of family do you have?

[Anonymous]

^^and, not nad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine insisting that my in-laws come to my house. All of the in-laws are closer to the MIL and Aunt and will do what they want. OP doesn't have enough power in this situation to decide that that the rotation now must include her house and that's the deal. She can unilaterally decide that every 3rd Thanksgiving she and her husband do their own thing, but that's not really part of the rotation if there is a competing dinner somewhere else. The DH siblings, cousins, grandparents will naturally just go to the MIL/Aunt house, as they have for decades, instead of their uptight SIL's.

Oops, looks like you missed the update where the aunt is confirmed at OP’s house.

Sure she is. OP would have included that in her post. I don't believe it for a second.

DP. Because time stands still and people don't go on to make choices? Okay.

On what planet is the aunt going to pice her nephew's house over her sister? Do you have a family?

NP. Where are you getting that a woman who is described as “DH’s aunt” is automatically the sister of his mother? The aunt could also be the sister of DH’s father.

You think that person would go to the nephew's house she's barely related to? Use common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine insisting that my in-laws come to my house. All of the in-laws are closer to the MIL and Aunt and will do what they want. OP doesn't have enough power in this situation to decide that that the rotation now must include her house and that's the deal. She can unilaterally decide that every 3rd Thanksgiving she and her husband do their own thing, but that's not really part of the rotation if there is a competing dinner somewhere else. The DH siblings, cousins, grandparents will naturally just go to the MIL/Aunt house, as they have for decades, instead of their uptight SIL's.

Oops, looks like you missed the update where the aunt is confirmed at OP’s house.

Sure she is. OP would have included that in her post. I don't believe it for a second.

DP. Because time stands still and people don't go on to make choices? Okay.

On what planet is the aunt going to pice her nephew's house over her sister? Do you have a family?

I have a family that makes plans and generally would feel terrible about changing them for no good reason, yes.

I also had a mother who -- when her son's wife expressed interest in hosting a holidy, if it works -- immediately said that was a wonderful thing for her to offer nad asked how she could help make it go smoothly her first time.

That's the kind of family I have. What kind of family do you have?

A normal one where people are fighting over "hosting" and people go with the flow. At no point would someone respond to the group text that they are just going take their ball and go home and whoever wants to come can come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine insisting that my in-laws come to my house. All of the in-laws are closer to the MIL and Aunt and will do what they want. OP doesn't have enough power in this situation to decide that that the rotation now must include her house and that's the deal. She can unilaterally decide that every 3rd Thanksgiving she and her husband do their own thing, but that's not really part of the rotation if there is a competing dinner somewhere else. The DH siblings, cousins, grandparents will naturally just go to the MIL/Aunt house, as they have for decades, instead of their uptight SIL's.

Oops, looks like you missed the update where the aunt is confirmed at OP’s house.

Sure she is. OP would have included that in her post. I don't believe it for a second.

DP. Because time stands still and people don't go on to make choices? Okay.

On what planet is the aunt going to pice her nephew's house over her sister? Do you have a family?

I have a family that makes plans and generally would feel terrible about changing them for no good reason, yes.

I also had a mother who -- when her son's wife expressed interest in hosting a holidy, if it works -- immediately said that was a wonderful thing for her to offer nad asked how she could help make it go smoothly her first time.

That's the kind of family I have. What kind of family do you have?

A normal one where people are NOT fighting over "hosting" and people go with the flow. At no point would someone respond to the group text that they are just going take their ball and go home and whoever wants to come can come.

fixed it