MIL ‘taking back’ Thanksgiving hosting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The others would probably rather go to MILs. They may have expressed that to her. Who wants to go to sister in laws house rather than the family matriarch’s house where they all have memories?

This isn’t your family of origin. You are the in-law. Just go with the flow and let MIL host. Do a Friendsgiving a week or two before if it makes you feel better. When it is your turn to spend a holiday with your family of origin, advocate for your family to come to your house.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are clearly a lot of old people who don’t want to give up hosting on here.

I’d sit down with your husband and think things through. Take things like the size/cleanliness/comfort of the different houses into account. Are you and your husband good cooks? If you decide you want to push this, make sure you call MIL together, but your DH needs to be the one who talks as much as possible.

Also, it’s ok if you both have your own separate thanksgivings. It’s time to make your own traditions. That’s part of being an adult.

+1,000,0000

Blah blah blah iTs nOt yOuR fAmILy oF oRiGiN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is all that MIL has in her life, let her have it.

No.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

Gross. What era of human is still using the phrase matriarch?

Also, no one of any age is owed the automatic right to host a holiday every year.

Do you live in that much of a bubble?? The grandmother of a large family is important pretty much across all cultures. It you’re thinking of it as a negative word, then I feel sorry for you because you don’t know the pleasure of being from a family that respects, enjoys and cherishes the grandmother.

DP

Respects/enjoys/cherished is not the same as obeys and defers their individual and family needs. OP is a DIL but she’s also a mother and her primary responsibility is to her children, not to her husband’s mother.

And part of her responsibility to her children means that they get to spend TG at grandmas. Her children are not hating TG at Grandma. OP just wants to steal the thunder from the grandma and show off her new bigger house.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Why does MIL have to give it up forever? Just say that, since everyone agreed, you are now taking a turn in the rotation. If she wants, MIL can host next year, and Aunt can host the year after that.

OP here. No one ever said MIL or DH’s aunt couldn’t host again. We all agreed to a rotation that now includes the home that DH and I have. I’m not sure where you got the impression that anyone had to “give it up forever.”

I don't think that was clear in your op.

I think only people who came to the thread with a specific agenda managed to consistently misunderstand that. DP.

FTFY.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

Gross. What era of human is still using the phrase matriarch?

Also, no one of any age is owed the automatic right to host a holiday every year.

Do you live in that much of a bubble?? The grandmother of a large family is important pretty much across all cultures. It you’re thinking of it as a negative word, then I feel sorry for you because you don’t know the pleasure of being from a family that respects, enjoys and cherishes the grandmother.

DP

Respects/enjoys/cherished is not the same as obeys and defers their individual and family needs. OP is a DIL but she’s also a mother and her primary responsibility is to her children, not to her husband’s mother.

No.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

+ 1. Why not pick a different holiday so you’re not competing? That makes what we did. Mom and aunt always traded off hosting thanksgiving and Passover for 30 plus years, even when I did all the cooking when it was Mom’s turn because she couldn’t do it. I wasn’t going to take that away from her. So we started a new tradition of inviting all the same folks for a Rosh Hashanah meal. It was lovely. No competition and no traditions to be broken, we got to do it our way and everyone was thrilled just to get together.

It’s not “competing” unless the parties involved are immature children. Is her 60+ yo MIL or aunt an immature child?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

We’re not talking about Christmas. We’re talking about Thanksgiving. It’s different. Nobody has TG with just the nuclear family. There are longstanding traditions and customs, and they transition slowly. It doesn’t sound like the MIL or aunt are on their death beds just yet. What it sounds like is that OP is more interested in showing off her big house than anything else. “We love our house” is a selfish reason for wanting to wrestle Thanksgiving away from tradition.

LOLOLOL. You people are insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would DEFINITELY not hold my ground on this one, fwiw, and I’m for holding your ground in general.

It’s a rotation, she’s having a hard time letting go, and you can host next year. Why make this an issue?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with trading off? Why does your desire to host trump hers? Owning a big fancy house does not entitle you to dictate how others live.

JFC. Reading comprehension is dead and buried.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

It’s 2023, Boomer. There aren’t “matriarchs” anymore. Just because you cowered in a corner and did what some old lady told you to do for years doesn’t mean that we are going to play that game. Sorry you were banking on having a “turn” at being a dictator, but not gonna happen. Adults of every age and generation are to be treated with respect, and if you can’t handle that, stay home and sulk. You will not be missed.

You've got some Mommy issues.

Not pp but she is right and you with this matriarch crap are the one with mommy issues. Seriously girl. What the hell is "home training"? It sounds like something no woman in 2023 wants to be a part of.

I wasn't the person who made the comment, but "home training" is the training that your family gives you in kindness, manners and social etiquette.

In this case, it means displaying kindness by deferring to an older relative who has only a few holidays left on the planet. If cooking is difficult for her, offer to help with cooking.
OP's MIL has been devoted to her family for decades and will not be with the family for much longer. She is 85 and definitely won't be able to host Thanksgiving in the near future. The kind thing to do is to let the old lady have the holiday because it may be the last one she will ever hold. The sensible thing to do is recognize that starting a family fight over a holiday is unnecessary and stressful.

Instead, you all are doubling down on "You're not the boss of me," like a bunch of defiant 14 year old girls. It's a bad look on a grown woman.

The issue with these boomers is that they’ve been hosting since their children were school aged, and now that their kids are 30ish, they won’t hand over the reigns. How is that fair?

Reins

👏

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

Nope.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

You’re right, but you’re wrong about why you’re right. You’re so close to getting it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:White people problems.

Host other occasions.

No.