MIL ‘taking back’ Thanksgiving hosting

[Anonymous]

Why make this a thing? You suggested it, suggestion denied. Just host bunch the next morning. Everyone wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

NP, GenX.

No, sorry. Respect is earned, not commanded. Trying to monopolize this sort of thing earns you no respect.

Go back to kindergarten and learn how to share, elders.

My selfish GenX brother and SIL uninvited my parents to holiday dinners because they aren't his "immediate" family. Even when they had major surgery and couldn't cook. Even when my parents pay their bills (literally they work for my parents). So that's what I think of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why make this a thing? You suggested it, suggestion denied. Just host bunch the next morning. Everyone wins.

+1 Why dig in your heels over this? If you offer your house for overnight guests, next day brunch is a natural. You’ll have many years to host the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

NP, GenX.

No, sorry. Respect is earned, not commanded. Trying to monopolize this sort of thing earns you no respect.

Go back to kindergarten and learn how to share, elders.

My selfish GenX brother and SIL uninvited my parents to holiday dinners because they aren't his "immediate" family. Even when they had major surgery and couldn't cook. Even when my parents pay their bills (literally they work for my parents). So that's what I think of them.

Okay.

But should I judge your whole generation based on you? It would be unflattering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Nobody can force anything on anyone else. They can, however, make an invitation. If that is threatening to you, you should think about why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have any more right to disrupt this tradition than MIL has to keep it up? It sounds like there was a quick conversation about you having a turn, not some sort of formal agreement. You are excited to host in your new house, that’s great! But it has got to be incredibly difficult and emotional for your MIL and it doesn’t sound like you have given that much consideration. She has been hosting holidays for decades and probably likes things just so. I imagine she is sentimental and you’re not. Your house will be a big departure, maybe there will be other people there she doesn’t know, or she’s worried it won’t have all the dishes she considers essential for the big day. You’re excited about starting new traditions with your new family, but she’s grieving the end of how things used to be. I’m not saying she is right and gets to host forever and ever, but maybe reassure her you keep some of the traditions alive, and she can host again next year! Or put off your turn hosting another year.

What you could use is a natural transition, like babies. Do you have kids? My last baby was born in winter and I couldn’t travel over the holidays, and then the next year I had three little kids and it was too much hassle to drag the pack and plays and all the stuff, and it had been so nice to stay home, so we decided to do Christmas at our house and alternate Thanksgiving with each set of parents.

So now we have to have babies in order to justify moving on in life? Come on.

Be less threatened by the natural stages of life, and stop hoarding. You'll be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The others would probably rather go to MILs. They may have expressed that to her. Who wants to go to sister in laws house rather than the family matriarch’s house where they all have memories?

This isn’t your family of origin. You are the in-law. Just go with the flow and let MIL host. Do a Friendsgiving a week or two before if it makes you feel better. When it is your turn to spend a holiday with your family of origin, advocate for your family to come to your house.

They get to do that. Everyone gets to make choices. Learn to live with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Nobody can force anything on anyone else. They can, however, make an invitation. If that is threatening to you, you should think about why.

Threatening? They invited and nobody accepted. Oh well for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This will all end in tears.

Agree. Just go to your MIL’s. Why do you want to host anyway? It’s a pain in the ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Nobody can force anything on anyone else. They can, however, make an invitation. If that is threatening to you, you should think about why.

Threatening? They invited and nobody accepted. Oh well for OP.

Not what the OP said. The fact that you needed to read that into it reveals you find the possibility of what OP offers threatening.

Don't hold onto things past their time, and yours. Be gracious. When people yield to you and come because they feel sorry for you, because they pity your inability to let go, then that is what they remember of you. Don't be a shell filled with pathos. Be gracious -- lift others up, take joy in change (or at least, not fear). Define a new role and own it. Be remembered as the person people always wanted to be around, not had to out of pity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The others would probably rather go to MILs. They may have expressed that to her. Who wants to go to sister in laws house rather than the family matriarch’s house where they all have memories?

This isn’t your family of origin. You are the in-law. Just go with the flow and let MIL host. Do a Friendsgiving a week or two before if it makes you feel better. When it is your turn to spend a holiday with your family of origin, advocate for your family to come to your house.

They get to do that. Everyone gets to make choices. Learn to live with it.

Cool the OP can live with her MILs decision to host her family. Thanksgiving isn’t being taken by anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The others would probably rather go to MILs. They may have expressed that to her. Who wants to go to sister in laws house rather than the family matriarch’s house where they all have memories?

This isn’t your family of origin. You are the in-law. Just go with the flow and let MIL host. Do a Friendsgiving a week or two before if it makes you feel better. When it is your turn to spend a holiday with your family of origin, advocate for your family to come to your house.

They get to do that. Everyone gets to make choices. Learn to live with it.

Cool the OP can live with her MILs decision to host her family. Thanksgiving isn’t being taken by anyone.

Sure. Nothing wrong with anybody having the holiday at home and being willing to host company. How can hospitality be a bad thing? Let people be happy, and different from you. Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The others would probably rather go to MILs. They may have expressed that to her. Who wants to go to sister in laws house rather than the family matriarch’s house where they all have memories?

This isn’t your family of origin. You are the in-law. Just go with the flow and let MIL host. Do a Friendsgiving a week or two before if it makes you feel better. When it is your turn to spend a holiday with your family of origin, advocate for your family to come to your house.

They get to do that. Everyone gets to make choices. Learn to live with it.

Cool the OP can live with her MILs decision to host her family. Thanksgiving isn’t being taken by anyone.

Sure. Nothing wrong with anybody having the holiday at home and being willing to host company. How can hospitality be a bad thing? Let people be happy, and different from you. Why not?

Ask OP that. She doesn’t seem very happy,

[Anonymous]

I suspect that's because of the stickiness situation, and that's fine. She will find her way through this, too.

All things change. It's really the only constant.

[Anonymous]

There are clearly a lot of old people who don’t want to give up hosting on here.

I’d sit down with your husband and think things through. Take things like the size/cleanliness/comfort of the different houses into account. Are you and your husband good cooks? If you decide you want to push this, make sure you call MIL together, but your DH needs to be the one who talks as much as possible.

Also, it’s ok if you both have your own separate thanksgivings. It’s time to make your own traditions. That’s part of being an adult.