MIL ‘taking back’ Thanksgiving hosting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s an idea, OP;

go away for Thanksgiving!

Don’t make a huge deal - just announce in November that you’ll be away and will celebrate with your immediate family.

We are splitting up our family for the first time ever after 20 years of (nearly) forced family togetherness involving both sides of our local families. I will take 2DC to celebrate the holiday at a sibling’s house while DH and DC can go to IL’s - one DC has a sport commitment and can’t travel.

I can’t imagine *choosing* to be away from my nuclear family on a major holiday.

If you do not have a breadth of experience of how family members can be, both positive and negative, then perhaps it would be better for you not to judge by implication about things you don't understand.

NP. If they are so bad, why aren’t you and DH just celebrating with your own, nuclear family? There’s not a world where I would willingly be away from either of my children on a major holiday when they are young.

You are not responding to the same poster who made a comment about herself and DH's choices. "Anonymous" covers many posters, not just one.

I can see that you cannot imagine many things. Again, and to you this time, I would hazard that you are not in a position to judge other people's choices if you can't even imagine them. Perhaps you should keep your hands ot yourself.

Are you and DH divorcing? Or you just need a break from a certain one of your kids? Oh I’m imagining…

Good lord. I am not the person who has posted about herself and DH. That means, I am a different person.

Please learn how to use a forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

Gross. What era of human is still using the phrase matriarch?

Also, no one of any age is owed the automatic right to host a holiday every year.

Do you live in that much of a bubble?? The grandmother of a large family is important pretty much across all cultures. It you’re thinking of it as a negative word, then I feel sorry for you because you don’t know the pleasure of being from a family that respects, enjoys and cherishes the grandmother.

DP

Respects/enjoys/cherished is not the same as obeys and defers their individual and family needs. OP is a DIL but she’s also a mother and her primary responsibility is to her children, not to her husband’s mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s an idea, OP;

go away for Thanksgiving!

Don’t make a huge deal - just announce in November that you’ll be away and will celebrate with your immediate family.

We are splitting up our family for the first time ever after 20 years of (nearly) forced family togetherness involving both sides of our local families. I will take 2DC to celebrate the holiday at a sibling’s house while DH and DC can go to IL’s - one DC has a sport commitment and can’t travel.

I can’t imagine *choosing* to be away from my nuclear family on a major holiday.

If you do not have a breadth of experience of how family members can be, both positive and negative, then perhaps it would be better for you not to judge by implication about things you don't understand.

NP. If they are so bad, why aren’t you and DH just celebrating with your own, nuclear family? There’s not a world where I would willingly be away from either of my children on a major holiday when they are young.

You are not responding to the same poster who made a comment about herself and DH's choices. "Anonymous" covers many posters, not just one.

I can see that you cannot imagine many things. Again, and to you this time, I would hazard that you are not in a position to judge other people's choices if you can't even imagine them. Perhaps you should keep your hands ot yourself.

Are you and DH divorcing? Or you just need a break from a certain one of your kids? Oh I’m imagining…

Good lord. I am not the person who has posted about herself and DH. That means, I am a different person.

Please learn how to use a forum.

Well why don’t you create a username so we are all sure when you’re posting! Or not, because you suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s an idea, OP;

go away for Thanksgiving!

Don’t make a huge deal - just announce in November that you’ll be away and will celebrate with your immediate family.

We are splitting up our family for the first time ever after 20 years of (nearly) forced family togetherness involving both sides of our local families. I will take 2DC to celebrate the holiday at a sibling’s house while DH and DC can go to IL’s - one DC has a sport commitment and can’t travel.

I can’t imagine *choosing* to be away from my nuclear family on a major holiday.

If you do not have a breadth of experience of how family members can be, both positive and negative, then perhaps it would be better for you not to judge by implication about things you don't understand.

You posted it on the internet. If you don’t want to be judged by half a dozen sentences, either give more context or don’t post. You can’t get mad when people judge you for what you put out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

Gross. What era of human is still using the phrase matriarch?

Also, no one of any age is owed the automatic right to host a holiday every year.

Do you live in that much of a bubble?? The grandmother of a large family is important pretty much across all cultures. It you’re thinking of it as a negative word, then I feel sorry for you because you don’t know the pleasure of being from a family that respects, enjoys and cherishes the grandmother.

DP

Respects/enjoys/cherished is not the same as obeys and defers their individual and family needs. OP is a DIL but she’s also a mother and her primary responsibility is to her children, not to her husband’s mother.

We're talking about Thanksgiving dinner, not whether or not OP and her DH are going to be able to pay for college. You can defer to the old lady on this point. It's minor. It's not worth starting a family brawl over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

It’s 2023, Boomer. There aren’t “matriarchs” anymore. Just because you cowered in a corner and did what some old lady told you to do for years doesn’t mean that we are going to play that game. Sorry you were banking on having a “turn” at being a dictator, but not gonna happen. Adults of every age and generation are to be treated with respect, and if you can’t handle that, stay home and sulk. You will not be missed.

You've got some Mommy issues.

Not pp but she is right and you with this matriarch crap are the one with mommy issues. Seriously girl. What the hell is "home training"? It sounds like something no woman in 2023 wants to be a part of.

I wasn't the person who made the comment, but "home training" is the training that your family gives you in kindness, manners and social etiquette.

In this case, it means displaying kindness by deferring to an older relative who has only a few holidays left on the planet. If cooking is difficult for her, offer to help with cooking.
OP's MIL has been devoted to her family for decades and will not be with the family for much longer. She is 85 and definitely won't be able to host Thanksgiving in the near future. The kind thing to do is to let the old lady have the holiday because it may be the last one she will ever hold. The sensible thing to do is recognize that starting a family fight over a holiday is unnecessary and stressful.

Instead, you all are doubling down on "You're not the boss of me," like a bunch of defiant 14 year old girls. It's a bad look on a grown woman.

When all else fails, pull the guilt card.

Guilt is a natural reaction to your own bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

It’s 2023, Boomer. There aren’t “matriarchs” anymore. Just because you cowered in a corner and did what some old lady told you to do for years doesn’t mean that we are going to play that game. Sorry you were banking on having a “turn” at being a dictator, but not gonna happen. Adults of every age and generation are to be treated with respect, and if you can’t handle that, stay home and sulk. You will not be missed.

You've got some Mommy issues.

Not pp but she is right and you with this matriarch crap are the one with mommy issues. Seriously girl. What the hell is "home training"? It sounds like something no woman in 2023 wants to be a part of.

I wasn't the person who made the comment, but "home training" is the training that your family gives you in kindness, manners and social etiquette.

In this case, it means displaying kindness by deferring to an older relative who has only a few holidays left on the planet. If cooking is difficult for her, offer to help with cooking.
OP's MIL has been devoted to her family for decades and will not be with the family for much longer. She is 85 and definitely won't be able to host Thanksgiving in the near future. The kind thing to do is to let the old lady have the holiday because it may be the last one she will ever hold. The sensible thing to do is recognize that starting a family fight over a holiday is unnecessary and stressful.

Instead, you all are doubling down on "You're not the boss of me," like a bunch of defiant 14 year old girls. It's a bad look on a grown woman.

The issue with these boomers is that they’ve been hosting since their children were school aged, and now that their kids are 30ish, they won’t hand over the reigns. How is that fair?

Reins

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s an idea, OP;

go away for Thanksgiving!

Don’t make a huge deal - just announce in November that you’ll be away and will celebrate with your immediate family.

We are splitting up our family for the first time ever after 20 years of (nearly) forced family togetherness involving both sides of our local families. I will take 2DC to celebrate the holiday at a sibling’s house while DH and DC can go to IL’s - one DC has a sport commitment and can’t travel.

I can’t imagine *choosing* to be away from my nuclear family on a major holiday.

If you do not have a breadth of experience of how family members can be, both positive and negative, then perhaps it would be better for you not to judge by implication about things you don't understand.

NP. If they are so bad, why aren’t you and DH just celebrating with your own, nuclear family? There’s not a world where I would willingly be away from either of my children on a major holiday when they are young.

You are not responding to the same poster who made a comment about herself and DH's choices. "Anonymous" covers many posters, not just one.

I can see that you cannot imagine many things. Again, and to you this time, I would hazard that you are not in a position to judge other people's choices if you can't even imagine them. Perhaps you should keep your hands ot yourself.

Are you and DH divorcing? Or you just need a break from a certain one of your kids? Oh I’m imagining…

Good lord. I am not the person who has posted about herself and DH. That means, I am a different person.

Please learn how to use a forum.

Well why don’t you create a username so we are all sure when you’re posting! Or not, because you suck.

You could also learn how to interact on a forum.

A lot of people figure it out. Give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s an idea, OP;

go away for Thanksgiving!

Don’t make a huge deal - just announce in November that you’ll be away and will celebrate with your immediate family.

We are splitting up our family for the first time ever after 20 years of (nearly) forced family togetherness involving both sides of our local families. I will take 2DC to celebrate the holiday at a sibling’s house while DH and DC can go to IL’s - one DC has a sport commitment and can’t travel.

I can’t imagine *choosing* to be away from my nuclear family on a major holiday.

If you do not have a breadth of experience of how family members can be, both positive and negative, then perhaps it would be better for you not to judge by implication about things you don't understand.

You posted it on the internet. If you don’t want to be judged by half a dozen sentences, either give more context or don’t post. You can’t get mad when people judge you for what you put out there.

*sigh*

DP. Not the same person. It might be worth rereading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not worth creating family divisions over this, OP. You should just pick a different holiday.

This. What a strange hill to die on.

Sorry, Boomers. We’re not putting our lives on hold for your dusty preferences any more. We’ve moved on. You’ve had your time, we’ve played it your way for years, moving on.

And what if your peers think it’s a strange hill to die on (we’re not boomers)…? Did you not get any home training? You don’t cause family strife over something small. Respect the matriarch on thanksgiving (unless she’s awful, which doesn’t sound like the case)

Gross. What era of human is still using the phrase matriarch?

Also, no one of any age is owed the automatic right to host a holiday every year.

Do you live in that much of a bubble?? The grandmother of a large family is important pretty much across all cultures. It you’re thinking of it as a negative word, then I feel sorry for you because you don’t know the pleasure of being from a family that respects, enjoys and cherishes the grandmother.

DP

Respects/enjoys/cherished is not the same as obeys and defers their individual and family needs. OP is a DIL but she’s also a mother and her primary responsibility is to her children, not to her husband’s mother.

We're talking about Thanksgiving dinner, not whether or not OP and her DH are going to be able to pay for college. You can defer to the old lady on this point. It's minor. It's not worth starting a family brawl over.

A brawl? The only intensity here is the MIL's need to hold on to this and not even ever share.

There is no point of pride in being deferred to because you need pity, because people feel sorry for you. This is not a position of strength and surety. The point of pride is in having such a full life, having so much, that it spills out and raises others up. It is in having enough to invest in others and to welcome them.

Have these women no dignity, no pride?

[Anonymous]

Op, you’re the in law. Go with the flow and host YOUR family at your house

[Anonymous]

Isn't this DH's house, too? It's always the in-laws of one or the other. Unless there is some sort of incest going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why make this a thing? You suggested it, suggestion denied. Just host bunch the next morning. Everyone wins.

+1 Why dig in your heels over this? If you offer your house for overnight guests, next day brunch is a natural. You’ll have many years to host the whole thing.

+1. I don't know how long you've been married, but this year is year 22 for me. I prefer to have a good relationship with my in-laws and I don't pick fights. This is picking a fight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you’re the in law. Go with the flow and host YOUR family at your house

Do you not get that OP’s husband is…a member of this family? Do you truly not grasp that in any couple, there is one “just an in-law” and one member of the family in question? LMAO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. Its awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

You are impressively wrong, but I admire your total commitment to your wrongness.