MIL ‘taking back’ Thanksgiving hosting

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

Here’s the thing: when you open a post with how great your new house is, and how much you love it, and therefore you want to begin hosting, that puts the emphasis on the house. Not on the family. If your wish is to have everyone in your space and share your excitement about the new house with them, just be up front about that. But the way OP framed it makes it all seem so fraught and intense.

Older people may feel some anxiety about their role in the family, or about having people to celebrate a holiday with at all. That can translate to all kinds of uncomfortable dynamics. It’s different than putting the house front and center.

Below is what I see. It's about having space now, when there was none before.

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

This doesn't seem to be the conversation you are having.

So because you have space, it is important to host this year? That’s the “good” reason she has, while MIL has no “good” reason?

Life is short. Just be together somewhere.

Again, I refer you back to the words people are actually writing in this thread, which does not seem those to which you are responding.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

It wasn't important. It was something that became a part of planning, and then MIL is starting to change that, and OP has posted for advice on how to handle.

Can people just go with MIL and the old rotation? Sure. But now people have made plans, and though plans can change again this year, it isn't going to get any easier for MIL. It isn't unreasonable to add someone else into the rotation when they had already been invited to do that, including by MIL and start the shift to the next generation.

That doesn't make OP some tyrant who wants to show off her enormous new house which is full of things to show off. It's just a transition. It wasn't important, but it will happen sometimes, and this is the natural time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does MIL have to “give up hosting”? Can’t you just be added into the rotation?

If you would read the thread, OP has already clarified that no one is being asked to give up hosting, and that a rotation including OP/DH is literally what is being proposed.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

Here’s the thing: when you open a post with how great your new house is, and how much you love it, and therefore you want to begin hosting, that puts the emphasis on the house. Not on the family. If your wish is to have everyone in your space and share your excitement about the new house with them, just be up front about that. But the way OP framed it makes it all seem so fraught and intense.

Older people may feel some anxiety about their role in the family, or about having people to celebrate a holiday with at all. That can translate to all kinds of uncomfortable dynamics. It’s different than putting the house front and center.

OP rightly gave context she knew The Real Harpies of DCUM would chase after before they could make their pronouncements. If you don’t bring an entire binder full of receipts and backstory in your original post, you will get hounded. We all know this.

I think I just don’t understand why hosting is such an emotional issue for so many people here, unless they’re in the position of feeling they won’t have someone to celebrate with or they’re sad about losing a role in their family. If the point is just to be together, why does it matter where you do that?

Dunno, tell that to MIL.

How sad that you think some women’s “role in the family” is simply to host meals. That is not how we treat members of my family.

I’m not saying I think that is anyone’s role. I’m saying maybe the MIL feels it is her role, and it brings her something of value, and she may want to keep it. Can her son and DIL not just ask her why she wants to host again? I think empathy and curiosity are always helpful in relationships.

Oh you’re totally right…hopefully MIL can be empathetic and curious enough to accept the invitation she was issued after the family made a decision together.

I’m not disagreeing. I’m saying there’s a conversation to be had, and maybe something to understand.

No one has yet explained why some women - it always seems to be women on these threads - feels so strongly about hosting. Whether that is the OP or the MIL, I’d like to understand it. In my family it wasn’t really like that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

Here’s the thing: when you open a post with how great your new house is, and how much you love it, and therefore you want to begin hosting, that puts the emphasis on the house. Not on the family. If your wish is to have everyone in your space and share your excitement about the new house with them, just be up front about that. But the way OP framed it makes it all seem so fraught and intense.

Older people may feel some anxiety about their role in the family, or about having people to celebrate a holiday with at all. That can translate to all kinds of uncomfortable dynamics. It’s different than putting the house front and center.

OP rightly gave context she knew The Real Harpies of DCUM would chase after before they could make their pronouncements. If you don’t bring an entire binder full of receipts and backstory in your original post, you will get hounded. We all know this.

I think I just don’t understand why hosting is such an emotional issue for so many people here, unless they’re in the position of feeling they won’t have someone to celebrate with or they’re sad about losing a role in their family. If the point is just to be together, why does it matter where you do that?

Dunno, tell that to MIL.

How sad that you think some women’s “role in the family” is simply to host meals. That is not how we treat members of my family.

I’m not saying I think that is anyone’s role. I’m saying maybe the MIL feels it is her role, and it brings her something of value, and she may want to keep it. Can her son and DIL not just ask her why she wants to host again? I think empathy and curiosity are always helpful in relationships.

... she is keeping it? (this is an addition to the rotation, not a replacement in it.)

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does MIL have to “give up hosting”? Can’t you just be added into the rotation?

Could you please, please, please read the thread?

THAT is what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

+1

In my family, it's the oldest female family member's privilege to host or choose not to host. If Grandma declines, then the Sisters/SILs can work out who is going to host among themselves. (Sexist, but that's how it works)

So if your mother is older than your MIL you ever have to go to your MIL because she’s not the oldest female?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

Here’s the thing: when you open a post with how great your new house is, and how much you love it, and therefore you want to begin hosting, that puts the emphasis on the house. Not on the family. If your wish is to have everyone in your space and share your excitement about the new house with them, just be up front about that. But the way OP framed it makes it all seem so fraught and intense.

Older people may feel some anxiety about their role in the family, or about having people to celebrate a holiday with at all. That can translate to all kinds of uncomfortable dynamics. It’s different than putting the house front and center.

OP rightly gave context she knew The Real Harpies of DCUM would chase after before they could make their pronouncements. If you don’t bring an entire binder full of receipts and backstory in your original post, you will get hounded. We all know this.

I think I just don’t understand why hosting is such an emotional issue for so many people here, unless they’re in the position of feeling they won’t have someone to celebrate with or they’re sad about losing a role in their family. If the point is just to be together, why does it matter where you do that?

Dunno, tell that to MIL.

How sad that you think some women’s “role in the family” is simply to host meals. That is not how we treat members of my family.

I’m not saying I think that is anyone’s role. I’m saying maybe the MIL feels it is her role, and it brings her something of value, and she may want to keep it. Can her son and DIL not just ask her why she wants to host again? I think empathy and curiosity are always helpful in relationships.

Oh you’re totally right…hopefully MIL can be empathetic and curious enough to accept the invitation she was issued after the family made a decision together.

I’m not disagreeing. I’m saying there’s a conversation to be had, and maybe something to understand.

No one has yet explained why some women - it always seems to be women on these threads - feels so strongly about hosting. Whether that is the OP or the MIL, I’d like to understand it. In my family it wasn’t really like that.

Then why don’t you start a thread asking just that, as that is…not what this thread is about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

Here’s the thing: when you open a post with how great your new house is, and how much you love it, and therefore you want to begin hosting, that puts the emphasis on the house. Not on the family. If your wish is to have everyone in your space and share your excitement about the new house with them, just be up front about that. But the way OP framed it makes it all seem so fraught and intense.

Older people may feel some anxiety about their role in the family, or about having people to celebrate a holiday with at all. That can translate to all kinds of uncomfortable dynamics. It’s different than putting the house front and center.

Below is what I see. It's about having space now, when there was none before.

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

This doesn't seem to be the conversation you are having.

So because you have space, it is important to host this year? That’s the “good” reason she has, while MIL has no “good” reason?

Life is short. Just be together somewhere.

Again, I refer you back to the words people are actually writing in this thread, which does not seem those to which you are responding.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

It wasn't important. It was something that became a part of planning, and then MIL is starting to change that, and OP has posted for advice on how to handle.

Can people just go with MIL and the old rotation? Sure. But now people have made plans, and though plans can change again this year, it isn't going to get any easier for MIL. It isn't unreasonable to add someone else into the rotation when they had already been invited to do that, including by MIL and start the shift to the next generation.

That doesn't make OP some tyrant who wants to show off her enormous new house which is full of things to show off. It's just a transition. It wasn't important, but it will happen sometimes, and this is the natural time.

So you’re saying it’s about starting a shift to the next generation?

I’m really just trying to understand. My family didn’t have strict rotations or traditions around holidays. It was really about who had the time and desire to host, and no one made plans so many months in advance.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

Here’s the thing: when you open a post with how great your new house is, and how much you love it, and therefore you want to begin hosting, that puts the emphasis on the house. Not on the family. If your wish is to have everyone in your space and share your excitement about the new house with them, just be up front about that. But the way OP framed it makes it all seem so fraught and intense.

Older people may feel some anxiety about their role in the family, or about having people to celebrate a holiday with at all. That can translate to all kinds of uncomfortable dynamics. It’s different than putting the house front and center.

OP rightly gave context she knew The Real Harpies of DCUM would chase after before they could make their pronouncements. If you don’t bring an entire binder full of receipts and backstory in your original post, you will get hounded. We all know this.

I think I just don’t understand why hosting is such an emotional issue for so many people here, unless they’re in the position of feeling they won’t have someone to celebrate with or they’re sad about losing a role in their family. If the point is just to be together, why does it matter where you do that?

Dunno, tell that to MIL.

How sad that you think some women’s “role in the family” is simply to host meals. That is not how we treat members of my family.

I’m not saying I think that is anyone’s role. I’m saying maybe the MIL feels it is her role, and it brings her something of value, and she may want to keep it. Can her son and DIL not just ask her why she wants to host again? I think empathy and curiosity are always helpful in relationships.

Oh you’re totally right…hopefully MIL can be empathetic and curious enough to accept the invitation she was issued after the family made a decision together.

I’m not disagreeing. I’m saying there’s a conversation to be had, and maybe something to understand.

No one has yet explained why some women - it always seems to be women on these threads - feels so strongly about hosting. Whether that is the OP or the MIL, I’d like to understand it. In my family it wasn’t really like that.

It's actually not about hosting, I think. It's about the iron lock where "tradition" ends up being used as a cudgel, and the feelings of people other than matriarchs and patriarchs start to fade into the background more and more as that fist of "tradition" and "respect" tightens its grip further and further on what is falling out of its grasp.

And that is fine. People can accept that, if they want and live in that family. Some of the younger generation wants to do differently and gently resist. (Being added into the rotation and then not just simply and merely dropping it when that suddenly is dropped again is a gentle change, not a command. It's okay. Everyone will be okay.)

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

Here’s the thing: when you open a post with how great your new house is, and how much you love it, and therefore you want to begin hosting, that puts the emphasis on the house. Not on the family. If your wish is to have everyone in your space and share your excitement about the new house with them, just be up front about that. But the way OP framed it makes it all seem so fraught and intense.

Older people may feel some anxiety about their role in the family, or about having people to celebrate a holiday with at all. That can translate to all kinds of uncomfortable dynamics. It’s different than putting the house front and center.

Below is what I see. It's about having space now, when there was none before.

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

This doesn't seem to be the conversation you are having.

So because you have space, it is important to host this year? That’s the “good” reason she has, while MIL has no “good” reason?

Life is short. Just be together somewhere.

Again, I refer you back to the words people are actually writing in this thread, which does not seem those to which you are responding.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

It wasn't important. It was something that became a part of planning, and then MIL is starting to change that, and OP has posted for advice on how to handle.

Can people just go with MIL and the old rotation? Sure. But now people have made plans, and though plans can change again this year, it isn't going to get any easier for MIL. It isn't unreasonable to add someone else into the rotation when they had already been invited to do that, including by MIL and start the shift to the next generation.

That doesn't make OP some tyrant who wants to show off her enormous new house which is full of things to show off. It's just a transition. It wasn't important, but it will happen sometimes, and this is the natural time.

So you’re saying it’s about starting a shift to the next generation?

I’m really just trying to understand. My family didn’t have strict rotations or traditions around holidays. It was really about who had the time and desire to host, and no one made plans so many months in advance.

I suspect that is a part of it, and it is the part which is focused on by the older generation. I suspect there are different aspects which drives the impulse for the younger generations to start looking to join in, and they are possibly myriad: difficulty of transporting children as a family grows, concern about a tradition which seems to be overly taxing on others, etc.

I suspect the transition to new people adding in to hosting is threatening to some elders. That doesn't mean it was the reason for the youngers to become involved, but it drives the conversation, when that conversation is about sudden balking and reading more into the discussion here than is actually there.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

Here’s the thing: when you open a post with how great your new house is, and how much you love it, and therefore you want to begin hosting, that puts the emphasis on the house. Not on the family. If your wish is to have everyone in your space and share your excitement about the new house with them, just be up front about that. But the way OP framed it makes it all seem so fraught and intense.

Older people may feel some anxiety about their role in the family, or about having people to celebrate a holiday with at all. That can translate to all kinds of uncomfortable dynamics. It’s different than putting the house front and center.

OP rightly gave context she knew The Real Harpies of DCUM would chase after before they could make their pronouncements. If you don’t bring an entire binder full of receipts and backstory in your original post, you will get hounded. We all know this.

I think I just don’t understand why hosting is such an emotional issue for so many people here, unless they’re in the position of feeling they won’t have someone to celebrate with or they’re sad about losing a role in their family. If the point is just to be together, why does it matter where you do that?

Dunno, tell that to MIL.

How sad that you think some women’s “role in the family” is simply to host meals. That is not how we treat members of my family.

I’m not saying I think that is anyone’s role. I’m saying maybe the MIL feels it is her role, and it brings her something of value, and she may want to keep it. Can her son and DIL not just ask her why she wants to host again? I think empathy and curiosity are always helpful in relationships.

Oh you’re totally right…hopefully MIL can be empathetic and curious enough to accept the invitation she was issued after the family made a decision together.

I’m not disagreeing. I’m saying there’s a conversation to be had, and maybe something to understand.

No one has yet explained why some women - it always seems to be women on these threads - feels so strongly about hosting. Whether that is the OP or the MIL, I’d like to understand it. In my family it wasn’t really like that.

Then why don’t you start a thread asking just that, as that is…not what this thread is about?

Okay. I guess the thread is just about how the OP is right and the MIL is wrong. I thought it was about the OP being torn, since that’s what she said. Disagreements are usually an opportunity to better understand the people we love, so I thought if OP was torn, maybe she’d want to explore that.

- not a MIL :lol:

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

Here’s the thing: when you open a post with how great your new house is, and how much you love it, and therefore you want to begin hosting, that puts the emphasis on the house. Not on the family. If your wish is to have everyone in your space and share your excitement about the new house with them, just be up front about that. But the way OP framed it makes it all seem so fraught and intense.

Older people may feel some anxiety about their role in the family, or about having people to celebrate a holiday with at all. That can translate to all kinds of uncomfortable dynamics. It’s different than putting the house front and center.

OP rightly gave context she knew The Real Harpies of DCUM would chase after before they could make their pronouncements. If you don’t bring an entire binder full of receipts and backstory in your original post, you will get hounded. We all know this.

I think I just don’t understand why hosting is such an emotional issue for so many people here, unless they’re in the position of feeling they won’t have someone to celebrate with or they’re sad about losing a role in their family. If the point is just to be together, why does it matter where you do that?

Dunno, tell that to MIL.

How sad that you think some women’s “role in the family” is simply to host meals. That is not how we treat members of my family.

I’m not saying I think that is anyone’s role. I’m saying maybe the MIL feels it is her role, and it brings her something of value, and she may want to keep it. Can her son and DIL not just ask her why she wants to host again? I think empathy and curiosity are always helpful in relationships.

Oh you’re totally right…hopefully MIL can be empathetic and curious enough to accept the invitation she was issued after the family made a decision together.

I’m not disagreeing. I’m saying there’s a conversation to be had, and maybe something to understand.

No one has yet explained why some women - it always seems to be women on these threads - feels so strongly about hosting. Whether that is the OP or the MIL, I’d like to understand it. In my family it wasn’t really like that.

Then why don’t you start a thread asking just that, as that is…not what this thread is about?

Okay. I guess the thread is just about how the OP is right and the MIL is wrong. I thought it was about the OP being torn, since that’s what she said. Disagreements are usually an opportunity to better understand the people we love, so I thought if OP was torn, maybe she’d want to explore that.

- not a MIL :lol:

This thread is about one family. OP has already updated on how she is moving forward. And you said, and I quote:
“ No one has yet explained why some women - it always seems to be women on these threads - feels so strongly about hosting. Whether that is the OP or the MIL, I’d like to understand it. In my family it wasn’t really like that.”

If you want that “explained to you,” why are you not starting your own thread asking that, as that is not what this thread is about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL and one of DH’s aunts have traded off hosting Thanksgiving and Christmas at their homes. A few years ago, DH and I just went to their houses when it was DH’s family’s turn for us to visit for whatever holiday.

Two years ago, DH and I bought a large home that we love, which has two guest rooms, plus one kid room that can easily be reconfigured into a guest room. Last year, DH and I said we would like to start hosting, as an open discussion. (Not an announcement.) Everyone, MIL and the aunt included, loved the idea and we agreed on Thanksgiving at our house this year.

Well, people are starting to think about flights and driving, etc. (MIL is only an hour away from our house. For others, they’d have to travel an equidistant way, all hometowns are equally priced out the same in turns of flights, etc.

Well, now MIL has decided she’s not ready to give up hosting, it’s her turn, she wants to host now. DH and I are not pleased about this, and are leaning toward saying, “Everyone is welcome, and we’ll be staying here this year and hosting whomever would like to come.” But I’m torn. No health issues, no diving concerns, this is strictly because she wants to host and no “good” reason.

Tough shit. Respect your elders. You will get your turn eventually.

BS. I'm not waiting until everyone in the generation above me can no longer lift a turkey to have my own Thanksgiving.

There’s the Thanksgiving spirit!

Hoarding certainly isn't. Again, learn to share.

That’s not how this works. The husband and his family have traditions and customs. It's awfully presumptuous to come along and make trouble over it. OP won’t win this the MIL and aunt have much more sway here.

The husband has a new family with OP and they are starting their own traditions and customs.

That's exactly how this works.

That’s no what OP is doing. She and the DH are trying to force everyone come to their house. The MIL and aunt don’t want to share or change, they already have their way of doing things.

Yea, this. OP is free to say “we’d like to have our Thanksgiving in our own home this year, and everyone is welcome. Please let us know.” But it’s not cool for her to insert herself into her in law’s thanksgiving tradition by insisting she now be part of the rotation. Yea, I know - they’re the in laws so by definition they are evil and are only on this earth for the purpose of derision and ridicule. But still.

OP here. You seem to forget that I have a husband. He is the one who started this conversation. Then everyone was on the same page. All were very supportive, most especially DH’s aunt.

At any rate, aunt just confirmed she will be at our house as planned.

Making family members take sides over who will host Thanksgiving is just so intense and so unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe this is a real situation.

How is OP or her spouse “making” anyone take sides. Is the aunt mentally incapacitated and unable to decide for herself where she’d like to spend Thanksgiving? The aunt could just as easily decide to go to her sister’s house or to stay home. No one makes anyone go anywhere for a holiday meal.

Is it really so important to host? What’s the underlying drive that makes it so important that you’d rupture relationships over it? I just don’t understand. Surely the importance of family holidays isn’t based on whose house you celebrate in? It just seems like a power trip of some kind.

Would you say the same to MIL who agreed that her son hosting was a great idea and then changed her mind and decided she now had to host? Would you say she is “rupturing relationships” and on a power trip?

Yes, I would.

Here’s the thing: when you open a post with how great your new house is, and how much you love it, and therefore you want to begin hosting, that puts the emphasis on the house. Not on the family. If your wish is to have everyone in your space and share your excitement about the new house with them, just be up front about that. But the way OP framed it makes it all seem so fraught and intense.

Older people may feel some anxiety about their role in the family, or about having people to celebrate a holiday with at all. That can translate to all kinds of uncomfortable dynamics. It’s different than putting the house front and center.

OP rightly gave context she knew The Real Harpies of DCUM would chase after before they could make their pronouncements. If you don’t bring an entire binder full of receipts and backstory in your original post, you will get hounded. We all know this.

I think I just don’t understand why hosting is such an emotional issue for so many people here, unless they’re in the position of feeling they won’t have someone to celebrate with or they’re sad about losing a role in their family. If the point is just to be together, why does it matter where you do that?

Dunno, tell that to MIL.

How sad that you think some women’s “role in the family” is simply to host meals. That is not how we treat members of my family.

I’m not saying I think that is anyone’s role. I’m saying maybe the MIL feels it is her role, and it brings her something of value, and she may want to keep it. Can her son and DIL not just ask her why she wants to host again? I think empathy and curiosity are always helpful in relationships.

Oh you’re totally right…hopefully MIL can be empathetic and curious enough to accept the invitation she was issued after the family made a decision together.

I’m not disagreeing. I’m saying there’s a conversation to be had, and maybe something to understand.

No one has yet explained why some women - it always seems to be women on these threads - feels so strongly about hosting. Whether that is the OP or the MIL, I’d like to understand it. In my family it wasn’t really like that.

Then why don’t you start a thread asking just that, as that is…not what this thread is about?

Okay. I guess the thread is just about how the OP is right and the MIL is wrong. I thought it was about the OP being torn, since that’s what she said. Disagreements are usually an opportunity to better understand the people we love, so I thought if OP was torn, maybe she’d want to explore that.

- not a MIL :lol:

This thread is about one family. OP has already updated on how she is moving forward. And you said, and I quote:
“ No one has yet explained why some women - it always seems to be women on these threads - feels so strongly about hosting. Whether that is the OP or the MIL, I’d like to understand it. In my family it wasn’t really like that.”

If you want that “explained to you,” why are you not starting your own thread asking that, as that is not what this thread is about?

I heard you. This seems pretty emotional to people - for example, OP used the phrase “taking back Thanksgiving hosting” to describe her MIL’s actions. I wonder if the MIL used that phrase herself.

I’ll let you all do your thing, PP. Thanks for the scolding. Enjoy your Saturday!

[Anonymous]

You are immature and silly.

If you so badly want a holiday at your house do Easter.

It won’t be long before MIL is too old to host anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are immature and silly.

If you so badly want a holiday at your house do Easter.

It won’t be long before MIL is too old to host anything.

Then she’d do well to start acting like someone people want to be around or she’ll have a lot of lonely nursing home
Thanksgivings to look forward to.