My niece just screwed herself

[Anonymous]

I am really surprised by some of the responses. I am wouldn't give another gift after a snub like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never send gifts to anyone. If I do not attend a major event like a baby shower or a wedding, I give a gift when I meet the person. The gift is usually a check in a card. (Never cash).

As for the weddings of nieces and nephews, I belong to a culture where I will give a generous check for them to their parents much before the wedding. And $5,001 is the minimum amount to give to a niece or nephew.

What culture is this where $5001 is the minimum and what happens if you give $4,999?

My own family culture - kids of siblings don't get less than 5K at their marriage - most of the time we are giving 10K, 15K, 25K, 50K etc. Depends.

Our traditional Hindu/Indian culture - You add the 1 to an even amount of money that you gift to make it indivisible by other numbers. Thus, it is a blessing for the couple to be indivisible too, and for the money to remain with them and grow. we normally give 11, 51, 101, 151, 201 etc in normal gifting.

If you have enough money to give 4,999 then you have enough money to give 5,001 also. Of course, you can give less also as long as it is a traditional amount. I mean boorish people are there all over the world and if someone in our circle who is from the same culture and wants to give weird amounts of money then there is nothing to be done.

Does your family do gifts with strings or just gifts. Is there a hidden expectation when you give someone 25k for example? If so, what are the hidden expectations?

(( Replying to another post - Hmmm... then there may be a different reason 1 is added to make the number an odd number? There are certain amounts that are given. But, I have never heard of $71 or $81 being given. A mystery for me.))

The "strings attached" theory? I think, once something is given, it does not belong to you anymore. But, a non-observance of social and cultural niceties may mean an erosion of goodwill for other occasions.

Family often pools resources and the obligation to look after each other is carried forth in different generations. 'A rising tide rises all the boats' etc. My dad educated his nephews after the death of his elder brother. we found out only after the death of my dad. However, all the nephews (my cousins) and their kids to this day are very warm and helpful to us.

Normally, Indian parent have a religious-social obligation to raise their kids (one of the reasons to marry is to have kids and raise them properly), and pay for their education and wedding to the best of their capacity. Education (both beginning and end) and wedding are religious-social milestones that the parents need to fulfill for their kids. After the wedding, parents do not owe their kids anything more in terms of getting them to significant religious-social life milestones.

In that sense, close relatives will give monetary gifts to the parents when their offspring are getting married, since parents are funding the wedding. All of this is traditional. The parents may decide to give or not give the money to their kids. Not everyone is in a position to be lavish about weddings etc. People keep an eye on their budget.

No strings attached for the young couple. They are not my kids. They are my sibling's kids. They can be my siblings blessing or curse. However, there is a lot of benefit for observing the social niceties and creating a support system. Parental help, kids helping aging parents, pooling resources etc are allowing Indian families to do ok even in the modern age.

In the spirit of not derailing this thread even more - yes, there is a bigger but more invisible price to pay in my circle if the people are not appreciative and do not follow social niceties. There is a silent erosion of goodwill and a less supportive network, instead of a just one miffed aunt ranting on DCUM and being called a Boomer. No one likes being taken advantage of or others' lack of reciprocity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, not enough to by a house, but I thought it was generous. I gave them $1000.

If you gave the gift because you wanted a thank you it was not a gift.

Gifts do not require return on investment

You are seriously a jerk and this is a nothing burger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, not enough to by a house, but I thought it was generous. I gave them $1000.

Good grief, just do what I"ve seen "Ask Amy" etc. recommend. Ask her, "Sally, I wanted to be sure you and Bob received the check I sent. I'd hate to think it went astray. Did you receive the $1,000? I didn't get any note about it from you so I just wanted to check in." Done. She will, if she's a decent person, feel ashamed she didn't acknowledge it, and you will have said your piece without being a b***h about it and burning family bridges forever.

I HATE this. This is some passive, probably misogynist bull crap. Ask Amy is WRONG.

If you want to tell your niece you’re upset that you didn’t get a thank you note, TELL HER. DO NOT MAKE UP STORIES TO AVOID SAYING WHAT YOU MEAN. Jeez.

That example wording may be bit over the top, since OP knows the check was probably deposited (but it could have been stolen!) but it's an opportunity for the misbehaving person to safe face without direct embarrassment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, not enough to by a house, but I thought it was generous. I gave them $1000.

Good grief, just do what I"ve seen "Ask Amy" etc. recommend. Ask her, "Sally, I wanted to be sure you and Bob received the check I sent. I'd hate to think it went astray. Did you receive the $1,000? I didn't get any note about it from you so I just wanted to check in." Done. She will, if she's a decent person, feel ashamed she didn't acknowledge it, and you will have said your piece without being a b***h about it and burning family bridges forever.

I HATE this. This is some passive, probably misogynist bull crap. Ask Amy is WRONG.

If you want to tell your niece you’re upset that you didn’t get a thank you note, TELL HER. DO NOT MAKE UP STORIES TO AVOID SAYING WHAT YOU MEAN. Jeez.

What do you think "misogynist" means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, not enough to by a house, but I thought it was generous. I gave them $1000.

Good grief, just do what I"ve seen "Ask Amy" etc. recommend. Ask her, "Sally, I wanted to be sure you and Bob received the check I sent. I'd hate to think it went astray. Did you receive the $1,000? I didn't get any note about it from you so I just wanted to check in." Done. She will, if she's a decent person, feel ashamed she didn't acknowledge it, and you will have said your piece without being a b***h about it and burning family bridges forever.

I HATE this. This is some passive, probably misogynist bull crap. Ask Amy is WRONG.

If you want to tell your niece you’re upset that you didn’t get a thank you note, TELL HER. DO NOT MAKE UP STORIES TO AVOID SAYING WHAT YOU MEAN. Jeez.

That example wording may be bit over the top, since OP knows the check was probably deposited (but it could have been stolen!) but it's an opportunity for the misbehaving person to save face without direct embarrassment.

I agree. And it just might be that the niece feels no embarrassment even after being asked. At that point, just make it public and ask other relatives if they recieved a thank-you note from her. Ask in front of the niece's parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, not enough to by a house, but I thought it was generous. I gave them $1000.

If you gave the gift because you wanted a thank you it was not a gift.

Gifts do not require return on investment

You are seriously a jerk and this is a nothing burger

Hi, niece! You are a ill-mannered and poorly bred jerk. You can return the gift if you cannot write the thank you note. A thank-you note is a very small courtesy for a wedding gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, not enough to by a house, but I thought it was generous. I gave them $1000.

If you gave the gift because you wanted a thank you it was not a gift.

Gifts do not require return on investment

You are seriously a jerk and this is a nothing burger

Sorry, but it sounds like you have no manners. Some form of thank you is not "a return on investment", but the proper thing to do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, not enough to by a house, but I thought it was generous. I gave them $1000.

Good grief, just do what I"ve seen "Ask Amy" etc. recommend. Ask her, "Sally, I wanted to be sure you and Bob received the check I sent. I'd hate to think it went astray. Did you receive the $1,000? I didn't get any note about it from you so I just wanted to check in." Done. She will, if she's a decent person, feel ashamed she didn't acknowledge it, and you will have said your piece without being a b***h about it and burning family bridges forever.

I HATE this. This is some passive, probably misogynist bull crap. Ask Amy is WRONG.

If you want to tell your niece you’re upset that you didn’t get a thank you note, TELL HER. DO NOT MAKE UP STORIES TO AVOID SAYING WHAT YOU MEAN. Jeez.

What do you think "misogynist" means?

I said probably misogynist because I think this sort of advice was given to women because it was seen as socially unacceptable for them to confront people directly or express their unhappiness, in a way that was different than what was expected of men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, not enough to by a house, but I thought it was generous. I gave them $1000.

Good grief, just do what I"ve seen "Ask Amy" etc. recommend. Ask her, "Sally, I wanted to be sure you and Bob received the check I sent. I'd hate to think it went astray. Did you receive the $1,000? I didn't get any note about it from you so I just wanted to check in." Done. She will, if she's a decent person, feel ashamed she didn't acknowledge it, and you will have said your piece without being a b***h about it and burning family bridges forever.

I HATE this. This is some passive, probably misogynist bull crap. Ask Amy is WRONG.

If you want to tell your niece you’re upset that you didn’t get a thank you note, TELL HER. DO NOT MAKE UP STORIES TO AVOID SAYING WHAT YOU MEAN. Jeez.

That example wording may be bit over the top, since OP knows the check was probably deposited (but it could have been stolen!) but it's an opportunity for the misbehaving person to safe face without direct embarrassment.

Yes. Also it is possible (if unlikely) that a thank you note got lost in the mail.

[Anonymous]

I didn't get a thank you from my niece for a baby shower, I asked me sister if she knew if she got it and she said shame on Larla, yes she did and she loved it. Although it would have been nice to hear directly from me niece, it was satisfying enough for my sister to tell me that she loved it. I give gifts to make people happy so to hear that she was happy made me happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, not enough to by a house, but I thought it was generous. I gave them $1000.

Good grief, just do what I"ve seen "Ask Amy" etc. recommend. Ask her, "Sally, I wanted to be sure you and Bob received the check I sent. I'd hate to think it went astray. Did you receive the $1,000? I didn't get any note about it from you so I just wanted to check in." Done. She will, if she's a decent person, feel ashamed she didn't acknowledge it, and you will have said your piece without being a b***h about it and burning family bridges forever.

I HATE this. This is some passive, probably misogynist bull crap. Ask Amy is WRONG.

If you want to tell your niece you’re upset that you didn’t get a thank you note, TELL HER. DO NOT MAKE UP STORIES TO AVOID SAYING WHAT YOU MEAN. Jeez.

I agree with this to an extent. You can see if the check was deposited so it is silly ask of she got it. That is passive aggressive. That said, I don't think any good comes from telling her you were offended not getting a thank you note.Did she used to send thank you notes? Has it been a year? Did she thank you at the event? Do you have a close relationship? I would not risk harming a close relationship with a guilt trip over a check. Just figure out next time the amount that won't make you so angry if you don't get a note. I agree the proper thing to do is send, but maybe it was lost in the mail. Maybe she has a life stressor you don't know about. Assume the best!

I always write thank you notes and do all the social niceties. I was truly hurt when major stress hit my life-think husband hospitalized and almost died and that sort of thing....and relatives, even my own mother were so quick to flip out if I messed up a nicety-late with a birthday gift or thank you note or whatever. it left a sour taste in my mouth. They knew what had happened. When major stress hits, you are just trying to get through the day and be there for your loved one. Everything gets cast aside. For decades I had clearly been consistent with following their norms so to be so offended and not give me grace made me wonder about their character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Nope, a vent would be “I’m hurt that my niece did not acknowledge my gift.” What OP is doing is not venting. It is relishing in a bad feeling. It is milking an opportunity to “screw over” a niece. Disgusting. And pathetic. But then again, OP knows full well she is disgusting and pathetic.

What you've written here is a far better example of the "relishing" you've described. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

I had two hundred guests at my wedding and at least four invitations (that I know I mailed) were never received. Including my sister. So now I realize that stuff gets lost in the mail all the time.

[Anonymous]

All these aunties, moms, older SILs and MILs on DCUM freaking out about their loss of significance and power lately. It really is such a sad sight to behold.