My niece just screwed herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Literally no one is saying it’s totally fine not to say thank you.

Literally most of the posts on here are saying exactly that -- that OP is trying "buy affection" because she expected a thank you from her niece.

Saying thank you into thin air while you endorse the check doesn't count.

Another WHOOSH for you! Literally no one is saying it is totally fine for niece to not say thank you. Everyone agrees that the niece is wrong. But the aunt’s bitter freakout is petty, graceless and tacky. And that’s worse than the niece forgetting to thank her.

The aunt isn't bitter or freaking out. She's just disappointed or maybe disgusted with her niece even though she still loves her. The so-called freak out consists of her deciding not to give her any more gifts. You are overreacting because you are relating more to the niece's mistake than the aunt's justified complaint. Posting her reaction on DCUM isn't any more than a minor vent. It might be petty, graceless and tacky if she was broadcasting to her whole extended family so they would side with her but I bet she's not doing that because she decided to vent on DCUM instead. Like lots of people do when they don't want to complain in real life to people they care about.

I imagine that many people on DCUM are more experienced with forgetting to say thank you than they are with giving a nice gift and not getting a thank you. That's why they are defending the niece and insulting the aunt.

No. The niece should say "thank you," unquestionably. It's ungrateful and unkind not to. But there are a thousand reasons why this might have happened, and not all of them have anything to do with poor intent or deliberate slight on her part.

However, there is a palpable satisfaction to the first post of this thread, and even moreso the title. She "just screwed herself" -- there's a glee there. It's ugly. There is no interpretation that doesn't make the sentiment ugly. That is what you are hearing.

Oh get over yourself. You sound like a drama llama. OP was just venting anonymously. I can’t believe most of the folks on this thread would have no feelings about a close relative not thanking them for a generous cash gift.

Okay, definitely-not-a-drama-lama person, herself. Sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Literally no one is saying it’s totally fine not to say thank you.

Literally most of the posts on here are saying exactly that -- that OP is trying "buy affection" because she expected a thank you from her niece.

Saying thank you into thin air while you endorse the check doesn't count.

Another WHOOSH for you! Literally no one is saying it is totally fine for niece to not say thank you. Everyone agrees that the niece is wrong. But the aunt’s bitter freakout is petty, graceless and tacky. And that’s worse than the niece forgetting to thank her.

The aunt isn't bitter or freaking out. She's just disappointed or maybe disgusted with her niece even though she still loves her. The so-called freak out consists of her deciding not to give her any more gifts. You are overreacting because you are relating more to the niece's mistake than the aunt's justified complaint. Posting her reaction on DCUM isn't any more than a minor vent. It might be petty, graceless and tacky if she was broadcasting to her whole extended family so they would side with her but I bet she's not doing that because she decided to vent on DCUM instead. Like lots of people do when they don't want to complain in real life to people they care about.

I imagine that many people on DCUM are more experienced with forgetting to say thank you than they are with giving a nice gift and not getting a thank you. That's why they are defending the niece and insulting the aunt.

No. The niece should say "thank you," unquestionably. It's ungrateful and unkind not to. But there are a thousand reasons why this might have happened, and not all of them have anything to do with poor intent or deliberate slight on her part.

However, there is a palpable satisfaction to the first post of this thread, and even moreso the title. She "just screwed herself" -- there's a glee there. It's ugly. There is no interpretation that doesn't make the sentiment ugly. That is what you are hearing.

Oh get over yourself. You sound like a drama llama. OP was just venting anonymously. I can’t believe most of the folks on this thread would have no feelings about a close relative not thanking them for a generous cash gift.

There's a difference between having feelings and celebrating those feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never send gifts to anyone. If I do not attend a major event like a baby shower or a wedding, I give a gift when I meet the person. The gift is usually a check in a card. (Never cash).

As for the weddings of nieces and nephews, I belong to a culture where I will give a generous check for them to their parents much before the wedding. And $5,001 is the minimum amount to give to a niece or nephew.

What culture is this where $5001 is the minimum and what happens if you give $4,999?

My own family culture - kids of siblings don't get less than 5K at their marriage - most of the time we are giving 10K, 15K, 25K, 50K etc. Depends.

Our traditional Hindu/Indian culture - You add the 1 to an even amount of money that you gift to make it indivisible by other numbers. Thus, it is a blessing for the couple to be indivisible too, and for the money to remain with them and grow. we normally give 11, 51, 101, 151, 201 etc in normal gifting.

If you have enough money to give 4,999 then you have enough money to give 5,001 also. Of course, you can give less also as long as it is a traditional amount. I mean boorish people are there all over the world and if someone in our circle who is from the same culture and wants to give weird amounts of money then there is nothing to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When was the wedding? Etiquette says you have three months to send thank you notes.

Etiquette says a year I thought.

Etiquette says a year to send a gift. The recipient has two weeks to write a thank you note.

But that's only if you care about etiquette

[Anonymous]

5,001 is divisible by 3. I don't understand what the Indian/Hindu principle is here. It doesn't seem to be just that the number ends in 1, which I would get. (I do love me some symbolism)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Literally no one is saying it’s totally fine not to say thank you.

Literally most of the posts on here are saying exactly that -- that OP is trying "buy affection" because she expected a thank you from her niece.

Saying thank you into thin air while you endorse the check doesn't count.

Another WHOOSH for you! Literally no one is saying it is totally fine for niece to not say thank you. Everyone agrees that the niece is wrong. But the aunt’s bitter freakout is petty, graceless and tacky. And that’s worse than the niece forgetting to thank her.

The aunt isn't bitter or freaking out. She's just disappointed or maybe disgusted with her niece even though she still loves her. The so-called freak out consists of her deciding not to give her any more gifts. You are overreacting because you are relating more to the niece's mistake than the aunt's justified complaint. Posting her reaction on DCUM isn't any more than a minor vent. It might be petty, graceless and tacky if she was broadcasting to her whole extended family so they would side with her but I bet she's not doing that because she decided to vent on DCUM instead. Like lots of people do when they don't want to complain in real life to people they care about.

I imagine that many people on DCUM are more experienced with forgetting to say thank you than they are with giving a nice gift and not getting a thank you. That's why they are defending the niece and insulting the aunt.

No. The niece should say "thank you," unquestionably. It's ungrateful and unkind not to. But there are a thousand reasons why this might have happened, and not all of them have anything to do with poor intent or deliberate slight on her part.

However, there is a palpable satisfaction to the first post of this thread, and even moreso the title. She "just screwed herself" -- there's a glee there. It's ugly. There is no interpretation that doesn't make the sentiment ugly. That is what you are hearing.

Oh get over yourself. You sound like a drama llama. OP was just venting anonymously. I can’t believe most of the folks on this thread would have no feelings about a close relative not thanking them for a generous cash gift.

NP. Nope, a vent would be “I’m hurt that my niece did not acknowledge my gift.” What OP is doing is not venting. It is relishing in a bad feeling. It is milking an opportunity to “screw over” a niece. Disgusting. And pathetic. But then again, OP knows full well she is disgusting and pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When was the wedding? Etiquette says you have three months to send thank you notes.

Etiquette says a year I thought.

Etiquette says a year to send a gift. The recipient has two weeks to write a thank you note.

But that's only if you care about etiquette

Where is this counsel from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:5,001 is divisible by 3. I don't understand what the Indian/Hindu principle is here. It doesn't seem to be just that the number ends in 1, which I would get. (I do love me some symbolism)

Yes, 1667 x 3. The math checks out.

Maybe 3 doesn't count for some reason?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5,001 is divisible by 3. I don't understand what the Indian/Hindu principle is here. It doesn't seem to be just that the number ends in 1, which I would get. (I do love me some symbolism)

Yes, 1667 x 3. The math checks out.

Maybe 3 doesn't count for some reason?

When it comes to marriages, 3 is a pretty bad number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5,001 is divisible by 3. I don't understand what the Indian/Hindu principle is here. It doesn't seem to be just that the number ends in 1, which I would get. (I do love me some symbolism)

Yes, 1667 x 3. The math checks out.

Maybe 3 doesn't count for some reason?

When it comes to marriages, 3 is a pretty bad number.

So why recommend an amount divisible by 3, if both divisibility and 3 are inauspicious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never send gifts to anyone. If I do not attend a major event like a baby shower or a wedding, I give a gift when I meet the person. The gift is usually a check in a card. (Never cash).

As for the weddings of nieces and nephews, I belong to a culture where I will give a generous check for them to their parents much before the wedding. And $5,001 is the minimum amount to give to a niece or nephew.

What culture is this where $5001 is the minimum and what happens if you give $4,999?

My own family culture - kids of siblings don't get less than 5K at their marriage - most of the time we are giving 10K, 15K, 25K, 50K etc. Depends.

Our traditional Hindu/Indian culture - You add the 1 to an even amount of money that you gift to make it indivisible by other numbers. Thus, it is a blessing for the couple to be indivisible too, and for the money to remain with them and grow. we normally give 11, 51, 101, 151, 201 etc in normal gifting.

If you have enough money to give 4,999 then you have enough money to give 5,001 also. Of course, you can give less also as long as it is a traditional amount. I mean boorish people are there all over the world and if someone in our circle who is from the same culture and wants to give weird amounts of money then there is nothing to be done.

Does your family do gifts with strings or just gifts. Is there a hidden expectation when you give someone 25k for example? If so, what are the hidden expectations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never send gifts to anyone. If I do not attend a major event like a baby shower or a wedding, I give a gift when I meet the person. The gift is usually a check in a card. (Never cash).

As for the weddings of nieces and nephews, I belong to a culture where I will give a generous check for them to their parents much before the wedding. And $5,001 is the minimum amount to give to a niece or nephew.

What culture is this where $5001 is the minimum and what happens if you give $4,999?

My own family culture - kids of siblings don't get less than 5K at their marriage - most of the time we are giving 10K, 15K, 25K, 50K etc. Depends.

Our traditional Hindu/Indian culture - You add the 1 to an even amount of money that you gift to make it indivisible by other numbers. Thus, it is a blessing for the couple to be indivisible too, and for the money to remain with them and grow. we normally give 11, 51, 101, 151, 201 etc in normal gifting.

If you have enough money to give 4,999 then you have enough money to give 5,001 also. Of course, you can give less also as long as it is a traditional amount. I mean boorish people are there all over the world and if someone in our circle who is from the same culture and wants to give weird amounts of money then there is nothing to be done.

Wait a minute. 51 is *also* divisible by 3, as is 201. (17 x 3, 67 x 3)

PP, are you sure you know how this works? Maybe you minunderstood a book you read?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, not enough to by a house, but I thought it was generous. I gave them $1000.

Good grief, just do what I"ve seen "Ask Amy" etc. recommend. Ask her, "Sally, I wanted to be sure you and Bob received the check I sent. I'd hate to think it went astray. Did you receive the $1,000? I didn't get any note about it from you so I just wanted to check in." Done. She will, if she's a decent person, feel ashamed she didn't acknowledge it, and you will have said your piece without being a b***h about it and burning family bridges forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Literally no one is saying it’s totally fine not to say thank you.

Literally most of the posts on here are saying exactly that -- that OP is trying "buy affection" because she expected a thank you from her niece.

Saying thank you into thin air while you endorse the check doesn't count.

Another WHOOSH for you! Literally no one is saying it is totally fine for niece to not say thank you. Everyone agrees that the niece is wrong. But the aunt’s bitter freakout is petty, graceless and tacky. And that’s worse than the niece forgetting to thank her.

The aunt isn't bitter or freaking out. She's just disappointed or maybe disgusted with her niece even though she still loves her. The so-called freak out consists of her deciding not to give her any more gifts. You are overreacting because you are relating more to the niece's mistake than the aunt's justified complaint. Posting her reaction on DCUM isn't any more than a minor vent. It might be petty, graceless and tacky if she was broadcasting to her whole extended family so they would side with her but I bet she's not doing that because she decided to vent on DCUM instead. Like lots of people do when they don't want to complain in real life to people they care about.

I imagine that many people on DCUM are more experienced with forgetting to say thank you than they are with giving a nice gift and not getting a thank you. That's why they are defending the niece and insulting the aunt.

No. The niece should say "thank you," unquestionably. It's ungrateful and unkind not to. But there are a thousand reasons why this might have happened, and not all of them have anything to do with poor intent or deliberate slight on her part.

However, there is a palpable satisfaction to the first post of this thread, and even moreso the title. She "just screwed herself" -- there's a glee there. It's ugly. There is no interpretation that doesn't make the sentiment ugly. That is what you are hearing.

Oh get over yourself. You sound like a drama llama. OP was just venting anonymously. I can’t believe most of the folks on this thread would have no feelings about a close relative not thanking them for a generous cash gift.

NP. Nope, a vent would be “I’m hurt that my niece did not acknowledge my gift.” What OP is doing is not venting. It is relishing in a bad feeling. It is milking an opportunity to “screw over” a niece. Disgusting. And pathetic. But then again, OP knows full well she is disgusting and pathetic.

DP. This, above -- you're right that OP is framing this as "She screwed herself" which smacks of "I'm going to be so awful to her from now on!" It's petty and nasty. Feeling disappointed, sad, angry is understandable. Flailing around about how you plan to punish someone for this transgression is just awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, not enough to by a house, but I thought it was generous. I gave them $1000.

Good grief, just do what I"ve seen "Ask Amy" etc. recommend. Ask her, "Sally, I wanted to be sure you and Bob received the check I sent. I'd hate to think it went astray. Did you receive the $1,000? I didn't get any note about it from you so I just wanted to check in." Done. She will, if she's a decent person, feel ashamed she didn't acknowledge it, and you will have said your piece without being a b***h about it and burning family bridges forever.

I HATE this. This is some passive, probably misogynist bull crap. Ask Amy is WRONG.

If you want to tell your niece you’re upset that you didn’t get a thank you note, TELL HER. DO NOT MAKE UP STORIES TO AVOID SAYING WHAT YOU MEAN. Jeez.