My niece just screwed herself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 49. I’ve taught DD13 that not only do you send a thank you note, you take the time to tell the person something about the gift that you especially like or what you plan on spending the money on. It is the polite, grateful thing to do.

OP, you are justified in feeling miffed for not being acknowledged for an incredibly generous gift.

This. Someone with some class.

Tell me: is it “classy” to ruin a relationship with a younger relative when they make an etiquette faux pas?

Yes or no. Yes or no.

OP isn't ruining the relationship; she's just thinking she won't send more presents. And lots of people have said her niece probably doesn't want her presents anyway, so what's the problem?

Her original post did not say “so I am not sending more presents,” she said “I am done,” which means she’s done with the relationship. And there’s not a lot of room to argue otherwise when the thread title is that the niece “screwed herself.” Rather over-the-top…

And her next post clarified, "I am not writing her off. I am just never giving her another gift."

The aunt sounds pretty generous (at least, $1000 is generous in my circle), so I would think the would want more presents, but I guess not.

Yes, back-pedaling is a frequent move when one is not getting the responses they hoped for. It is quite common for an OP to retreat, even after such a “bad-azz” initial post about someone they allegedly love “screwing” themselves, and being “done” with them after they make a faux pas in the wake of being extremely busy, as most brides and grooms are leading up to and immediately after a wedding.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I've seen one response that said, I always send thank you notes or at least call or email a thank you for gifts I get, but I really don't care if anyone thanks me for gifts.

If anyone said that then I might believe that all these folks who think expecting a thank you is overreacting or selfish or whatever aren't the exact people who don't thank people.

No, we're not. I hand-wrote thank yous for 120 wedding gifts, DH sent about 80, and we also wrote notes for every baby shower gift, and every birthday gift, etc.

*However,* I would never dream of ruining a relationship over a thank you card. I didn't give the gift to get a card. I gave the gift because I wish the couple well. And in the busy run-up to a wedding or after, I can understand how some thank you cards might get missed, though DH and I certainly did not forget to send ours.

Absolutely the same here. +1 on all counts. PP tried it, though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I've seen one response that said, I always send thank you notes or at least call or email a thank you for gifts I get, but I really don't care if anyone thanks me for gifts.

If anyone said that then I might believe that all these folks who think expecting a thank you is overreacting or selfish or whatever aren't the exact people who don't thank people.

No, we're not. I hand-wrote thank yous for 120 wedding gifts, DH sent about 80, and we also wrote notes for every baby shower gift, and every birthday gift, etc.

*However,* I would never dream of ruining a relationship over a thank you card. I didn't give the gift to get a card. I gave the gift because I wish the couple well. And in the busy run-up to a wedding or after, I can understand how some thank you cards might get missed, though DH and I certainly did not forget to send ours.

How do you think the OP "ruined the relationship" with her niece? Do you think her niece is reading DCUM?

OP said “I’m done” and is using foul language to gossip about her niece on the Internet. Sounds super healthy!

She's done giving her presents. What foul language? Screwed? Really?

DP. She could have been “done giving her presents” without tripping over her own two house slippers to beg for attention about it, but she didn’t. Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I've seen one response that said, I always send thank you notes or at least call or email a thank you for gifts I get, but I really don't care if anyone thanks me for gifts.

If anyone said that then I might believe that all these folks who think expecting a thank you is overreacting or selfish or whatever aren't the exact people who don't thank people.

No, we're not. I hand-wrote thank yous for 120 wedding gifts, DH sent about 80, and we also wrote notes for every baby shower gift, and every birthday gift, etc.

*However,* I would never dream of ruining a relationship over a thank you card. I didn't give the gift to get a card. I gave the gift because I wish the couple well. And in the busy run-up to a wedding or after, I can understand how some thank you cards might get missed, though DH and I certainly did not forget to send ours.

How do you think the OP "ruined the relationship" with her niece? Do you think her niece is reading DCUM?

OP said “I’m done” and is using foul language to gossip about her niece on the Internet. Sounds super healthy!

She's done giving her presents. What foul language? Screwed? Really?

DP. She could have been “done giving her presents” without tripping over her own two house slippers to beg for attention about it, but she didn’t. Really?

You are commenting on what you don't like about the OP's post and how it was received on DCUM. I was asking how the OP has ruined the relationship with her niece. There's no evidence of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always write thank you notes but I don't even register if I don't get them. I'm often surprised by a ty note when I receive it, like "oh yeah, I forgot we gave them a gift and a check for their wedding, what a nice note." But I've definitely not got notes for things I gave and I truly don't care. I also twice have been thanked for the wrong gift (including once for a much cheaper gift than we gave!). Don't care.

One thing I will note is that writing and receiving thank you notes for cash gifts suck. I've done it, of course, because do many people give money for graduation and weddings. I do okay (I usually state what the money will get towards, since I was taught to be specific in ty notes) but I find them harder to write than other notes. If I noticed I hadn't received a note for a cash gift, it would not bother me because I find that exchange kind of weird. I'd honestly rather give the money anonymously but my mom claimed this will cause more problems for people so I don't.

Anyway, getting upset over this seems like a waste of time.

"Dear Aunt Munificent,
Thank you so much for the generous wedding gift! Troy and I have several ideas for ways to put it to good use. It was great seeing you at the wedding, we're so glad you could share our special day with us."

The first words of a thank-you note are not supposed to be "thank you" -- it makes the note seem like it's written out of obligation rather than enthusiasm for the present.

Like and follow for more fifty-year-old grammar rules!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give a gift to give the gift. For the sentiment. Not to be thanked or fawned over in return.

If you don't like not being thanked or fawned over, be it deliberately, absent-mindedness, or just plain that it got lost in the shuffle of life, then stop giving. I assure you, they won't miss it as much as you think they will. Then you can move on to the next thing on your list to be viciously judgmental, not to mention completely self-absorbed, about.

I dunno. I’d miss not getting $1000. But maybe that’s just peanuts to you.

NP. I do know—I know that whether it is $100, $1,000 or $10,000, if the “gift” comes from a bean-counting gossip who equates gifts with power and is willing to ruin a relationship over it, I won’t miss it. Keep your money. And yes, I do write thank you notes. What I don’t do is tolerate bitter, controlling people who require a precisely calibrated level of kowtowing, and if you fail to meet it, you’re “out.” Grow up.

[Anonymous]

There seems to be parts missing. Did she used to always write thank you notes for gifts? if so, good chance it either got lost or a life stressor got in the way. If she rarely if ever wrote thank you notes, I would assume she won't for this either. From now on when giving gifts just figure out the amount you can part with without feeling the type of hostility where you declare your own niece "screwed!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think I've seen one response that said, I always send thank you notes or at least call or email a thank you for gifts I get, but I really don't care if anyone thanks me for gifts.

If anyone said that then I might believe that all these folks who think expecting a thank you is overreacting or selfish or whatever aren't the exact people who don't thank people.

You didn’t see the response on this very same page 16 at 14:21? You didn’t look very hard then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always write thank you notes but I don't even register if I don't get them. I'm often surprised by a ty note when I receive it, like "oh yeah, I forgot we gave them a gift and a check for their wedding, what a nice note." But I've definitely not got notes for things I gave and I truly don't care. I also twice have been thanked for the wrong gift (including once for a much cheaper gift than we gave!). Don't care.

One thing I will note is that writing and receiving thank you notes for cash gifts suck. I've done it, of course, because do many people give money for graduation and weddings. I do okay (I usually state what the money will get towards, since I was taught to be specific in ty notes) but I find them harder to write than other notes. If I noticed I hadn't received a note for a cash gift, it would not bother me because I find that exchange kind of weird. I'd honestly rather give the money anonymously but my mom claimed this will cause more problems for people so I don't.

Anyway, getting upset over this seems like a waste of time.

"Dear Aunt Munificent,
Thank you so much for the generous wedding gift! Troy and I have several ideas for ways to put it to good use. It was great seeing you at the wedding, we're so glad you could share our special day with us."

The first words of a thank-you note are not supposed to be "thank you" -- it makes the note seem like it's written out of obligation rather than enthusiasm for the present.

Like and follow for more fifty-year-old grammar rules!

That's really interesting... I never thought about it that way.

How would you word it instead?

[Anonymous]

She might recover quicker than you have, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always write thank you notes but I don't even register if I don't get them. I'm often surprised by a ty note when I receive it, like "oh yeah, I forgot we gave them a gift and a check for their wedding, what a nice note." But I've definitely not got notes for things I gave and I truly don't care. I also twice have been thanked for the wrong gift (including once for a much cheaper gift than we gave!). Don't care.

One thing I will note is that writing and receiving thank you notes for cash gifts suck. I've done it, of course, because do many people give money for graduation and weddings. I do okay (I usually state what the money will get towards, since I was taught to be specific in ty notes) but I find them harder to write than other notes. If I noticed I hadn't received a note for a cash gift, it would not bother me because I find that exchange kind of weird. I'd honestly rather give the money anonymously but my mom claimed this will cause more problems for people so I don't.

Anyway, getting upset over this seems like a waste of time.

"Dear Aunt Munificent,
Thank you so much for the generous wedding gift! Troy and I have several ideas for ways to put it to good use. It was great seeing you at the wedding, we're so glad you could share our special day with us."

The first words of a thank-you note are not supposed to be "thank you" -- it makes the note seem like it's written out of obligation rather than enthusiasm for the present.

Like and follow for more fifty-year-old grammar rules!

"It was great seeing you at the wedding, we're so glad you could share our special day with us. Thank you so much for the generous wedding gift! Troy and I have several ideas for ways to put it to good use."

How's that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always write thank you notes but I don't even register if I don't get them. I'm often surprised by a ty note when I receive it, like "oh yeah, I forgot we gave them a gift and a check for their wedding, what a nice note." But I've definitely not got notes for things I gave and I truly don't care. I also twice have been thanked for the wrong gift (including once for a much cheaper gift than we gave!). Don't care.

One thing I will note is that writing and receiving thank you notes for cash gifts suck. I've done it, of course, because do many people give money for graduation and weddings. I do okay (I usually state what the money will get towards, since I was taught to be specific in ty notes) but I find them harder to write than other notes. If I noticed I hadn't received a note for a cash gift, it would not bother me because I find that exchange kind of weird. I'd honestly rather give the money anonymously but my mom claimed this will cause more problems for people so I don't.

Anyway, getting upset over this seems like a waste of time.

"Dear Aunt Munificent,
Thank you so much for the generous wedding gift! Troy and I have several ideas for ways to put it to good use. It was great seeing you at the wedding, we're so glad you could share our special day with us."

The first words of a thank-you note are not supposed to be "thank you" -- it makes the note seem like it's written out of obligation rather than enthusiasm for the present.

Like and follow for more fifty-year-old etiquette rules!

That's really interesting... I never thought about it that way.

How would you word it instead?

I am so lucky to had your support and enthusiasm throughout my life. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness as Larlo and I begin our life together. We are starting to house hunt/decorate our new house/buy ice cube trays [depending on what the check will cover], and your generous gift will make/help make that possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always write thank you notes but I don't even register if I don't get them. I'm often surprised by a ty note when I receive it, like "oh yeah, I forgot we gave them a gift and a check for their wedding, what a nice note." But I've definitely not got notes for things I gave and I truly don't care. I also twice have been thanked for the wrong gift (including once for a much cheaper gift than we gave!). Don't care.

One thing I will note is that writing and receiving thank you notes for cash gifts suck. I've done it, of course, because do many people give money for graduation and weddings. I do okay (I usually state what the money will get towards, since I was taught to be specific in ty notes) but I find them harder to write than other notes. If I noticed I hadn't received a note for a cash gift, it would not bother me because I find that exchange kind of weird. I'd honestly rather give the money anonymously but my mom claimed this will cause more problems for people so I don't.

Anyway, getting upset over this seems like a waste of time.

"Dear Aunt Munificent,
Thank you so much for the generous wedding gift! Troy and I have several ideas for ways to put it to good use. It was great seeing you at the wedding, we're so glad you could share our special day with us."

*to have had

This is why you should buy plenty of paper for the thank-yous. Crumple, toss, try again.

The first words of a thank-you note are not supposed to be "thank you" -- it makes the note seem like it's written out of obligation rather than enthusiasm for the present.

Like and follow for more fifty-year-old etiquette rules!

That's really interesting... I never thought about it that way.

How would you word it instead?

I am so lucky to had your support and enthusiasm throughout my life. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness as Larlo and I begin our life together. We are starting to house hunt/decorate our new house/buy ice cube trays [depending on what the check will cover], and your generous gift will make/help make that possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is rude but I wouldn't stop giving gifts over it. I'm just not one who gets overly bothered about these types of things.

+1. I am European and don’t care about little things that complicated life unnecessarily. Telling me she’s grateful in person at some point would be good enough for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always write thank you notes but I don't even register if I don't get them. I'm often surprised by a ty note when I receive it, like "oh yeah, I forgot we gave them a gift and a check for their wedding, what a nice note." But I've definitely not got notes for things I gave and I truly don't care. I also twice have been thanked for the wrong gift (including once for a much cheaper gift than we gave!). Don't care.

One thing I will note is that writing and receiving thank you notes for cash gifts suck. I've done it, of course, because do many people give money for graduation and weddings. I do okay (I usually state what the money will get towards, since I was taught to be specific in ty notes) but I find them harder to write than other notes. If I noticed I hadn't received a note for a cash gift, it would not bother me because I find that exchange kind of weird. I'd honestly rather give the money anonymously but my mom claimed this will cause more problems for people so I don't.

Anyway, getting upset over this seems like a waste of time.

"Dear Aunt Munificent,
Thank you so much for the generous wedding gift! Troy and I have several ideas for ways to put it to good use. It was great seeing you at the wedding, we're so glad you could share our special day with us."

The first words of a thank-you note are not supposed to be "thank you" -- it makes the note seem like it's written out of obligation rather than enthusiasm for the present.

Like and follow for more fifty-year-old grammar rules!

"Dear Aunt Munificent,
It was great seeing you at the wedding, we're so glad you could share our special day with us. Thank you so much for the generous wedding gift! Troy and I have several ideas for ways to put it to good use. "