Parents being flippant about inheritance - is it a trend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet it’d hurt more to have parents who have no money and can’t afford their senior years, how about some perspective?

Depends on your definition of "hurt" I guess.

Parents who tried as hard as they could but just couldn't make it?
vs
Parents that had everything but just didn't give a damn.

My point is that it’s your parents money, why not be happy you don’t have to take care of them monetarily? My parents have money saved and my dad retired at age 60. They paid for my college and my weeding. They do not believe they are obligated to give my kids money for college nor have they ever helped me when we had financial struggles. I don’t hold it against them, it’s THEIR money. I’m glad they have it and can live the life they want (which is not grandiose).

If they had something left over after their passing, it would be a gift but it’s not expected. It’s such an odd attitude these folks with family money have.

You are focused on the oney-- the OP isn't about the money so much as they people talk about money in hurtful, rude, and off-putting ways. I suspect talking about about money like this is a way to pushing people away because they are embarrassed at how they are aging. Also its a control thing-- manipulative. As said previously, they are losing control in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet it’d hurt more to have parents who have no money and can’t afford their senior years, how about some perspective?

Depends on your definition of "hurt" I guess.

Parents who tried as hard as they could but just couldn't make it?
vs
Parents that had everything but just didn't give a damn.

My point is that it’s your parents money, why not be happy you don’t have to take care of them monetarily? My parents have money saved and my dad retired at age 60. They paid for my college and my weeding. They do not believe they are obligated to give my kids money for college nor have they ever helped me when we had financial struggles. I don’t hold it against them, it’s THEIR money. I’m glad they have it and can live the life they want (which is not grandiose).

If they had something left over after their passing, it would be a gift but it’s not expected. It’s such an odd attitude these folks with family money have.

You are focused on the oney-- the OP isn't about the money so much as they people talk about money in hurtful, rude, and off-putting ways. I suspect talking about about money like this is a way to pushing people away because they are embarrassed at how they are aging. Also its a control thing-- manipulative. As said previously, they are losing control in other ways.

OP - and yes. I don't feel like my parents are trying to exert control/manipulate necessarily, but totally agree that it has something to do with their loss of control and concern over the future. I would want them 100% to spend everything they have for their own support. I don't really care if they leave an inheritance. It's more the remarks, which are out of character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I expect to get flamed for this so let me say up front that I 100% understand that people have the right to do what they want with their money and that no one is obligated to leave an inheritance.

Even so, I am a little taken aback at my parents attitude, stated on several occasions, to spend it all and not leave anything behind. They are in a good financial position. That's fine, but the truth is that my parents can afford to think like this is because my paternal grandparents left several hundred thousand dollars to my father. It would have been more if my grandfather had ever been able to bring himself to gift money during his lifetime or set up a pass through trust. Half his estate went to the IRS. My grandfather talked about both of those options extensively with me (b/c I was a practicing lawyer at the time) but could never quite bring himself to do it because, according to my mother, he couldn't get over the thought that the grandkids would do something impulsive like buy a sports car. This was over 20 years ago when the estate tax limit was $1million. I think he couldn't really get over the fact that he had amassed that wealth and thus just pushed off the decision.

Is there something that happens in age that causes you to have weird attitudes about money and inheritance? My mother told some story about her friends who are also quite well off making some jab about their kids frittering away the money so they plan to spend it all. But they raised us, and none of us are profligate spenders or anything.

I don't feel like I'm owed anything and this question really isn't about money, but more about the attitude about it as people age.

Since so many posters are rightfully flaming you for lying about your belief that you "don't feel like [you're] owed anything," I'll flame you for your ageism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I expect to get flamed for this so let me say up front that I 100% understand that people have the right to do what they want with their money and that no one is obligated to leave an inheritance.

Even so, I am a little taken aback at my parents attitude, stated on several occasions, to spend it all and not leave anything behind. They are in a good financial position. That's fine, but the truth is that my parents can afford to think like this is because my paternal grandparents left several hundred thousand dollars to my father. It would have been more if my grandfather had ever been able to bring himself to gift money during his lifetime or set up a pass through trust. Half his estate went to the IRS. My grandfather talked about both of those options extensively with me (b/c I was a practicing lawyer at the time) but could never quite bring himself to do it because, according to my mother, he couldn't get over the thought that the grandkids would do something impulsive like buy a sports car. This was over 20 years ago when the estate tax limit was $1million. I think he couldn't really get over the fact that he had amassed that wealth and thus just pushed off the decision.

Is there something that happens in age that causes you to have weird attitudes about money and inheritance? My mother told some story about her friends who are also quite well off making some jab about their kids frittering away the money so they plan to spend it all. But they raised us, and none of us are profligate spenders or anything.

I don't feel like I'm owed anything and this question really isn't about money, but more about the attitude about it as people age.

Since so many posters are rightfully flaming you for lying about your belief that you "don't feel like [you're] owed anything," I'll flame you for your ageism.

Pretty weak "flame" . . . what is wrong with asking if people tend to become weird about money and inheretance as they age? Provide specifics about why it is ageist to even ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I expect to get flamed for this so let me say up front that I 100% understand that people have the right to do what they want with their money and that no one is obligated to leave an inheritance.

Even so, I am a little taken aback at my parents attitude, stated on several occasions, to spend it all and not leave anything behind. They are in a good financial position. That's fine, but the truth is that my parents can afford to think like this is because my paternal grandparents left several hundred thousand dollars to my father. It would have been more if my grandfather had ever been able to bring himself to gift money during his lifetime or set up a pass through trust. Half his estate went to the IRS. My grandfather talked about both of those options extensively with me (b/c I was a practicing lawyer at the time) but could never quite bring himself to do it because, according to my mother, he couldn't get over the thought that the grandkids would do something impulsive like buy a sports car. This was over 20 years ago when the estate tax limit was $1million. I think he couldn't really get over the fact that he had amassed that wealth and thus just pushed off the decision.

Is there something that happens in age that causes you to have weird attitudes about money and inheritance? My mother told some story about her friends who are also quite well off making some jab about their kids frittering away the money so they plan to spend it all. But they raised us, and none of us are profligate spenders or anything.

I don't feel like I'm owed anything and this question really isn't about money, but more about the attitude about it as people age.

Since so many posters are rightfully flaming you for lying about your belief that you "don't feel like [you're] owed anything," I'll flame you for your ageism.

Pretty weak "flame" . . . what is wrong with asking if people tend to become weird about money and inheretance as they age? Provide specifics about why it is ageist to even ask.

I’d more assume it’s just you and your dysfunctional family. Why assume it’s everyone else too and because of age? What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I expect to get flamed for this so let me say up front that I 100% understand that people have the right to do what they want with their money and that no one is obligated to leave an inheritance.

Even so, I am a little taken aback at my parents attitude, stated on several occasions, to spend it all and not leave anything behind. They are in a good financial position. That's fine, but the truth is that my parents can afford to think like this is because my paternal grandparents left several hundred thousand dollars to my father. It would have been more if my grandfather had ever been able to bring himself to gift money during his lifetime or set up a pass through trust. Half his estate went to the IRS. My grandfather talked about both of those options extensively with me (b/c I was a practicing lawyer at the time) but could never quite bring himself to do it because, according to my mother, he couldn't get over the thought that the grandkids would do something impulsive like buy a sports car. This was over 20 years ago when the estate tax limit was $1million. I think he couldn't really get over the fact that he had amassed that wealth and thus just pushed off the decision.

Is there something that happens in age that causes you to have weird attitudes about money and inheritance? My mother told some story about her friends who are also quite well off making some jab about their kids frittering away the money so they plan to spend it all. But they raised us, and none of us are profligate spenders or anything.

I don't feel like I'm owed anything and this question really isn't about money, but more about the attitude about it as people age.

My friend just said to his girlfriend "If you find a will in the couch that says I'm leaving money to you, it's fake".

[Anonymous]

some people (American boomers, cough) have a very individualistic mindset. It's theirs, full stop, regardless of whether they earned it or not. And they want you to know that.

Other people view themselves as stewards of money for the greater good of the family, the community, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I expect to get flamed for this so let me say up front that I 100% understand that people have the right to do what they want with their money and that no one is obligated to leave an inheritance.

Even so, I am a little taken aback at my parents attitude, stated on several occasions, to spend it all and not leave anything behind. They are in a good financial position. That's fine, but the truth is that my parents can afford to think like this is because my paternal grandparents left several hundred thousand dollars to my father. It would have been more if my grandfather had ever been able to bring himself to gift money during his lifetime or set up a pass through trust. Half his estate went to the IRS. My grandfather talked about both of those options extensively with me (b/c I was a practicing lawyer at the time) but could never quite bring himself to do it because, according to my mother, he couldn't get over the thought that the grandkids would do something impulsive like buy a sports car. This was over 20 years ago when the estate tax limit was $1million. I think he couldn't really get over the fact that he had amassed that wealth and thus just pushed off the decision.

Is there something that happens in age that causes you to have weird attitudes about money and inheritance? My mother told some story about her friends who are also quite well off making some jab about their kids frittering away the money so they plan to spend it all. But they raised us, and none of us are profligate spenders or anything.

I don't feel like I'm owed anything and this question really isn't about money, but more about the attitude about it as people age.

Since so many posters are rightfully flaming you for lying about your belief that you "don't feel like [you're] owed anything," I'll flame you for your ageism.

Pretty weak "flame" . . . what is wrong with asking if people tend to become weird about money and inheritance as they age? Provide specifics about why it is ageist to even ask.

I’d more assume it’s just you and your dysfunctional family. Why assume it’s everyone else too and because of age? What?

Im actually not the OP-- just a bystander disappointed in the inane attacks on her for asking a question.

And here you go with another weak attack-- 1) she didn't "Assume" anything-- she is asking a question with an open mind to consider the possible answers and 2) tagging her for her "dysfunctional family" . . . . how is that even a burn? IF someone's family is disfunctional, wouldn't you feel bad for them? Telling someone you think their family is dysfunctional isn't a "flame"-- it's just an extremely sloppy, tired attempt at an insult. Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:some people (American boomers, cough) have a very individualistic mindset. It's theirs, full stop, regardless of whether they earned it or not. And they want you to know that.

Other people view themselves as stewards of money for the greater good of the family, the community, whatever.

I posted before, but do think there is something to this. My relatives over the years were not wealthy, but money was passed down so we would always be OK for emergencies. As we faced a difficult birth, NICU stay, special needs and medical issues we did not ask for any assistance. Not only did we rarely get supportive words, but without asking for money, we were told not to even ask for help with hospital bills, etc. They flitted off to Europe quite a bit and occasionally asked about their first grandkid and eventually when their second grandkid showed up they were relieved she didn't have special needs too.

I have shut down any talk about money because their are constant attempts at manipulation. Luckily we have saved and grown our own money and if my kids, grandkids, great grandkids end up in the hospital or need early intervention I will offer to pay before even asked. I hope I can help make their lives a little easier paying for trips now and then and eventually passing on money. Unless my kids become criminals or do unethical things, I will gladly help out some. I also plan to be kind and supportive emotionally-something I always yearned for.

My relatives are all rolling over in the graves listening to my mother act like an entitled princess as she tells people "I have money!" My memories of her are littered with so many attempts to knock people down, feel superior, manipulate and control others with her money-95% of which she did not earn. What I will remember most is at our lowest when we didn't even have time to think of the financial toll of a child with medical issues and special needs, she could not show empathy and cheer us on as parents and have decency. Instead there was this frequent reminder her money was hers, money we didn't ask for. It felt like I was being treated as some greedy, selfish child all while I was trying to keep my mental health together to care for a very needy infant, child and then teen. If it weren't for a supportive spouse, a therapist, friends and the kindness of absolute strangers I would have most my mind. People who are disgusting about their money deserve to be shamed and I think it is just an outward sign of a darkness, disturbance and emptiness inside. Keep your money, but nobody has a right to be nasty about their money. I think it's disturbing how many people jump on and insist those of us who cannot stand this behavior are just greedy. Everything isn't about money. We are talking about character and human decency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet it’d hurt more to have parents who have no money and can’t afford their senior years, how about some perspective?

Depends on your definition of "hurt" I guess.

Parents who tried as hard as they could but just couldn't make it?
vs
Parents that had everything but just didn't give a damn.

My point is that it’s your parents money, why not be happy you don’t have to take care of them monetarily? My parents have money saved and my dad retired at age 60. They paid for my college and my weeding. They do not believe they are obligated to give my kids money for college nor have they ever helped me when we had financial struggles. I don’t hold it against them, it’s THEIR money. I’m glad they have it and can live the life they want (which is not grandiose).

If they had something left over after their passing, it would be a gift but it’s not expected. It’s such an odd attitude these folks with family money have.

You are focused on the oney-- the OP isn't about the money so much as they people talk about money in hurtful, rude, and off-putting ways. I suspect talking about about money like this is a way to pushing people away because they are embarrassed at how they are aging. Also its a control thing-- manipulative. As said previously, they are losing control in other ways.

OP - and yes. I don't feel like my parents are trying to exert control/manipulate necessarily, but totally agree that it has something to do with their loss of control and concern over the future. I would want them 100% to spend everything they have for their own support. I don't really care if they leave an inheritance. It's more the remarks, which are out of character.

If they are just making remarks and not spending frivolously, it could be coming from a place of concern about having enough money to live on the rest of their lives. I think a lot of people in the 60-70 year old range are coming to the realization that they can't work much longer and the money that they have saved isn't going to go as far as they hoped. We have had very high inflation over the last few years combined with instability in the stock market. That's very stressful for people who recently retired or are about to retire but could realistically live another 20-30 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I expect to get flamed for this so let me say up front that I 100% understand that people have the right to do what they want with their money and that no one is obligated to leave an inheritance.

Even so, I am a little taken aback at my parents attitude, stated on several occasions, to spend it all and not leave anything behind. They are in a good financial position. That's fine, but the truth is that my parents can afford to think like this is because my paternal grandparents left several hundred thousand dollars to my father. It would have been more if my grandfather had ever been able to bring himself to gift money during his lifetime or set up a pass through trust. Half his estate went to the IRS. My grandfather talked about both of those options extensively with me (b/c I was a practicing lawyer at the time) but could never quite bring himself to do it because, according to my mother, he couldn't get over the thought that the grandkids would do something impulsive like buy a sports car. This was over 20 years ago when the estate tax limit was $1million. I think he couldn't really get over the fact that he had amassed that wealth and thus just pushed off the decision.

Is there something that happens in age that causes you to have weird attitudes about money and inheritance? My mother told some story about her friends who are also quite well off making some jab about their kids frittering away the money so they plan to spend it all. But they raised us, and none of us are profligate spenders or anything.

I don't feel like I'm owed anything and this question really isn't about money, but more about the attitude about it as people age.

Since so many posters are rightfully flaming you for lying about your belief that you "don't feel like [you're] owed anything," I'll flame you for your ageism.

Pretty weak "flame" . . . what is wrong with asking if people tend to become weird about money and inheretance as they age? Provide specifics about why it is ageist to even ask.

Because it wouldn't be universally true. Ageism, like racism, surfaces when there are broad stereotypes. Logically speaking, you have to know that people and groups contain multitudes. Ageism is just more readily accepted, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A large portion of the late Silent Generation to Boomers refused to make many sacrifices to be parents. We were left to fend for ourselves as they did all the adult things they wanted to and we enjoyed a feral childhood with some freedoms, but many pressures. Many of our parents expected us to cater to them as children while also being a best friend and confidant and comfort to them. Our job was to get out the house, come back when they needed comfort and fend for ourselves.

Then we became independent and created our families and they made it clear there would be no babysitting and we once again must not interfere with their precious important social lives. And we accepted it and didn't ask for anything.

And then they aged and expected us to be there for every emergency and every issue all while reminding us over and over that we don't deserve a dime from them, not that we asked. We, having far more emotional maturity, spared them the guilt trip of the fact they themselves inherited and got plenty of free extras from their parents.

Hopefully as the more selfish of this aging population pass away, a kinder, and gentler society will slowly emerge where we care more about climate change, and poverty than about buying flashy new cars and landfill junk. hopefully we are raising a generation of kids who know they are loved and valued and will be able to save the therapy money to donate to worthy causes and not feel so drained that they can't focus on how to make life better for those less fortunate.

May the me, me,me ...I can never enough cruises and fancy things mentality and the normalizing of physical, emotional and/or verbal abuse pass with this generation.

Don’t worry, the next generation will find a way to pick apart your parenting and the way of life in general, and ridicule you for being so clueless and behind the times. Such is life.

I’ve read a book on the history of parenting in US, and it’s basically an endless spiral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't feel like I'm owed anything and this question really isn't about money, but more about the attitude about it as people age.

Simple, they don't want you looking forward to their death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I expect to get flamed for this so let me say up front that I 100% understand that people have the right to do what they want with their money and that no one is obligated to leave an inheritance.

Even so, I am a little taken aback at my parents attitude, stated on several occasions, to spend it all and not leave anything behind. They are in a good financial position. That's fine, but the truth is that my parents can afford to think like this is because my paternal grandparents left several hundred thousand dollars to my father. It would have been more if my grandfather had ever been able to bring himself to gift money during his lifetime or set up a pass through trust. Half his estate went to the IRS. My grandfather talked about both of those options extensively with me (b/c I was a practicing lawyer at the time) but could never quite bring himself to do it because, according to my mother, he couldn't get over the thought that the grandkids would do something impulsive like buy a sports car. This was over 20 years ago when the estate tax limit was $1million. I think he couldn't really get over the fact that he had amassed that wealth and thus just pushed off the decision.

Is there something that happens in age that causes you to have weird attitudes about money and inheritance? My mother told some story about her friends who are also quite well off making some jab about their kids frittering away the money so they plan to spend it all. But they raised us, and none of us are profligate spenders or anything.

I don't feel like I'm owed anything and this question really isn't about money, but more about the attitude about it as people age.

Since so many posters are rightfully flaming you for lying about your belief that you "don't feel like [you're] owed anything," I'll flame you for your ageism.

Pretty weak "flame" . . . what is wrong with asking if people tend to become weird about money and inheritance as they age? Provide specifics about why it is ageist to even ask.

Because it wouldn't be universally true. Ageism, like racism, surfaces when there are broad stereotypes. Logically speaking, you have to know that people and groups contain multitudes. Ageism is just more readily accepted, unfortunately.

But the OP didn't say it was universally true. She asked a question. Did she say-- "old people are so weird about money!" No-- she asked in regard to her own parent. Is her parent unique (i.e., is her parent a dysfunctional outlier) or is this something that can happen with many folks that are lucky enough to grow old and have $$$?

TL/DR-- Please quote exactly where in her post she is pushing a broad stereotype about aging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom used to tell us when we were kids not to expect an inheritance because she was going to spend "every damn cent!"
It's not like we asked...but we were told that frequently even as little kids.
Like your family, my parents inherited a lot of money after all of us kids were grown with families of our own. My parents retired and spent, spent, spent. Multiple luxury vacations every single year, brand new luxury cars, expensive remodels on their house, etc.
Not one single penny to their kids.
Meanwhile I saw my aunts and uncles spending their inheritance taking THEIR kids (my cousins) on nice family vacations, helping them with down payments on houses, etc.

It does hurt, but there's nothing we can do except try to be different towards our own kids.

Did both inherit or one? Are the aunts/uncles on maternal/paternal side?

Somewhat same with my ILs. In the early to middle years of knowing them, I thought they were quite generous and was very appreciative as my parents barely had 2 nickels to rub together. Then I started to realize that all the money they gave us was really what DH's paternal grandparents had left to his parents with the express instruction to give it to their grandkids on reaching certain milestones (e.g., marriage, first house, etc). That's now all in the rearview mirror.

They have spent a lot on vacation and a winter rental house as they are snow birds. When DH and I were younger, MiL used to say, "I am going to spend it all because I can't take it with me." I thought it was a joke, but DH recently told me about their bank balances, so I realize it's not.