Has confronting the other woman ever gone well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my 30s my close friend succumbed to this. He was a senior partner at her firm well respected and she was his mentee. They had a multi year torrid affair that consumed her 30s and she missed her chance to marry. He eventually died. She remained single. It broke my heart to watch bc she was so beautiful, smart, intelligent, successful and a good person. She had some unresolved childhood issues. It was hard to watch, because I love her and didn’t want her to miss having a husband. But I never judged her or considered her a bad person. Just a real person with real history and real limitations that tripped her up. She was repeatedly a target for older married men but only ever responded to this one.

Did you meet his wife?9

I saw her once. Never met him. But what is the point of this question. Obviously he had a wife.

[Anonymous]

Look there are people out there who through life experience or bad luck or lack of love or neglect or abuse have been taught that life is not for them. That they will never get and perhaps don’t deserve what they want. That they will always get, have and be less than. That they should settle for and be grateful for whatever they can get in a world that does not value them the way they wish it did.

Or they are afraid of real relationships because of some trauma so the accept attention from someone who can never be with them openly and who simultaneously keeps them from finding or pursuing a legitimate relationship. Some of those people become OW because it is all life has offered them, or all they can find or handle.

Men know this and take advantage of these women for sex and attention and lead them on. The vast majority will wind up feeling even worse when he does not leave. Or they persist in a delusion bc the alternative is too painful.

Remember: before you lecture from your high horse, the person most at risk of becoming this or marrying it is your own daughter, if her father cheated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She clearly used language that people who suffered childhood abuse use. Any 1/2 decent therapist can read her post and predict she was a victim of child abuser.

Can the person who write this please specify what the language is that the PP used that would lead someone to predict she had been a victim of childhood abuse? I know she said she was in a different post. But what about the other things she wrote or how she phrased them suggested this? Really curious.

The person who was abused is not OP and she only wrote 1 post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look there are people out there who through life experience or bad luck or lack of love or neglect or abuse have been taught that life is not for them. That they will never get and perhaps don’t deserve what they want. That they will always get, have and be less than. That they should settle for and be grateful for whatever they can get in a world that does not value them the way they wish it did.

Or they are afraid of real relationships because of some trauma so the accept attention from someone who can never be with them openly and who simultaneously keeps them from finding or pursuing a legitimate relationship. Some of those people become OW because it is all life has offered them, or all they can find or handle.

Men know this and take advantage of these women for sex and attention and lead them on. The vast majority will wind up feeling even worse when he does not leave. Or they persist in a delusion bc the alternative is too painful.

Remember: before you lecture from your high horse, the person most at risk of becoming this or marrying it is your own daughter, if her father cheated.

I posted earlier that my best friend was an OW, it was like 5 years in and she said, do you think i have daddy issues. I was like how do you not know you have abandonment issues and daddy issues.

So sad.

Really men and women who cheat (not just women) have a lot of mental health issues. It really is part of the mental health crisis in our country.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure it’s a crisis it’s been happening since biblical times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure it’s a crisis it’s been happening since biblical times.

I’m pretty sure Sodom and Gomorrah was a crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

Never works, just makes things worse.

And why? The beef is with the DH not the AP. No AP forces another person to have an affair. That is ridiculous.

+1

She isn’t the one who broke your vows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure it’s a crisis it’s been happening since biblical times.

I’m pretty sure Sodom and Gomorrah was a crisis.

LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

Never works, just makes things worse.

And why? The beef is with the DH not the AP. No AP forces another person to have an affair. That is ridiculous.

+1

She isn’t the one who broke your vows.

That's such a disordered way of thinking. I'd love to talk to your therapist to see how you go to this place in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my 30s my close friend succumbed to this. He was a senior partner at her firm well respected and she was his mentee. They had a multi year torrid affair that consumed her 30s and she missed her chance to marry. He eventually died. She remained single. It broke my heart to watch bc she was so beautiful, smart, intelligent, successful and a good person. She had some unresolved childhood issues. It was hard to watch, because I love her and didn’t want her to miss having a husband. But I never judged her or considered her a bad person. Just a real person with real history and real limitations that tripped her up. She was repeatedly a target for older married men but only ever responded to this one.

Did you meet his wife?9

I saw her once. Never met him. But what is the point of this question. Obviously he had a wife.

That you think your friend was a good person and both of you have zero empathy.

I would have pulled a way from any friend that was “dating” a married father. It goes so far against my morals. I wouldn’t condone it and I couldn’t sit there for years like you did hearing about her affair. You did her a disservice by sitting there supporting it. And like you said she ended up alone without kids or a family for wasting all of those years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look there are people out there who through life experience or bad luck or lack of love or neglect or abuse have been taught that life is not for them. That they will never get and perhaps don’t deserve what they want. That they will always get, have and be less than. That they should settle for and be grateful for whatever they can get in a world that does not value them the way they wish it did.

Or they are afraid of real relationships because of some trauma so the accept attention from someone who can never be with them openly and who simultaneously keeps them from finding or pursuing a legitimate relationship. Some of those people become OW because it is all life has offered them, or all they can find or handle.

Men know this and take advantage of these women for sex and attention and lead them on. The vast majority will wind up feeling even worse when he does not leave. Or they persist in a delusion bc the alternative is too painful.

Remember: before you lecture from your high horse, the person most at risk of becoming this or marrying it is your own daughter, if her father cheated.

Or if momma cheated too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope.

Never works, just makes things worse.

And why? The beef is with the DH not the AP. No AP forces another person to have an affair. That is ridiculous.

+1

She isn’t the one who broke your vows.

That's such a disordered way of thinking. I'd love to talk to your therapist to see how you go to this place in your life.

Why not confront both of them? I’ve been married 25 years and if I found out my spouse had an AP over a period of time, I’d certainly need to find out who it was and say something. It’s really nice to think you can enter someone’s marriage with no consequences and the spouse is supposed to welcome you with open arms or turn him over.

Shedding light on a secret situation is empowering and an important part of recovery for many- whether they stay or go. You are t a victim when you look the big fat albatross directly in the eye and say “I see you”. It’s not so fun once the secret is out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Found out about DH's affair and confronted his AP, only to be shocked by her accusatory stance and lack of empathy. Is this really happening?

If you want to salvage this marriage, don't back down. If they were indeed having an affair, calmly confronting both was needed. What's the worse that can happen? Yes, your husband is the one who betrayed his vows but she is an adult woman knowingly participating in destroying a family. You did nothing wrong.

Now make up your mind about staying or leaving. If you are staying then ask your husband if he wants couple's counseling or divorce. Take it from there.

What's the worst that can happen?

1. You get yourself shot, or otherwise killed
2. You tell her husband, and her husband kills her and himself. Sometimes the kids too. The public doesn't always learn the reasons behind murder suicides, but I know one (personally know of) that occurred when the betrayed husband found out about an affair. Left their kids parentless.

It's never worth it. Get yourself tested for STDs, and get a divorce. He's not worth ruining your life over.

Amen about not ruining your life. NP and I'm wagering people here will think this is made up, but it's true: Confronting the other man actually ended up horribly for the family of a longtime family friend. Our family friend's adult DD ended up shooting the husband of her DH's AP. He lived, but might not have, and the woman only escaped jail time because her dad was promient and powerful in the small town and there was enough dough to give a payout to the man who got shot. But she really should have gone to jail, it was that bad.

Basically: Her DH was having an affair. The other woman's husband found out and stormed to this couple's home to confront the cheating DH. The guy was banging on a door, demanding the DH come outside and saying he'd beat the DH. The idiot cheating DH did go outside and the wife panicked and got the gun that she kept "for self-defense." She goes outside and yells that the two men, who by that point apparently were throwing punches, had to stop. She said later she was afraid her husband would get hurt. She ends up pulling the trigger and shooting the guy in the leg. (If she had hit his artery he likely would have died very quickly, if you know anything about what happens if a leg artery is shot.) The rest was a nightmare and she thought for a long time she was going to go to prison. It was only because her family was prominent and it was a small town where everyone knew (and liked) her, and thought the guy who was shot was a jerk, that she didn't go to jail. I've never understood why law enforcement didn't arrest and try her for this--I actually think they should have. Corruption saved her, basically, from her own incredible stupidity. I'd have just called the freaking cops as soon as the guy was pounding on the door. He's lucky he wasn't killed, she's lucky she wasn't jailed. And unbelievably she stayed with that DH!

It sounds like trash city but the woman and her cheating DH were a well-off upper middle class couple, gorgeous house, good jobs, blah blah. Not a "type" you'd expect to hear this about. It just shows that stupid has no boundaries. And confrontations with spouses' affair partners actually can get people shot and other people (nearly) arrested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look, I know you think you know everything but you don’t. Most of us have been propositioned by married guys and turned them down and judged them as slimeballs. I’m betting your DH’s OW did too. You simply do not know what transpired between them that made her say yes to him.

She has said yes to many married men on the website she frequents. Serial cheater. She’s the one propositioning. Lol

Omg your DH was picking up strange women on websites and the most you can do is slit shake the woman? You’ve got major league problems.

This is out of context. It was pointing out a married woman doing the same thing was not “snowed”. People on this board always paint the woman has some innocent dumb thing where the big bad man forced her into an affair. It’s not reality. There are just as many married women cheating these days of their own volition.

[Anonymous]

My mom said she confronted the OW (my dad’s secretary, his future wife) and the OW had a smug and superior attitude - “oh well he has moved on to better things so get over it”. Needless to say mom found that unsatisfying.