Husband refuses to help with night feedings

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to go to bed by 8pm. Your husband takes the 10pm feed, and you handle the middle of the night ones.

Others have said this is a short time and they are right, but there is a LOT of rigidity in both of your expectations for how things will go, and some things have to give.

One of those things is that your husband will go to sleep later than he wants. You'll go to sleep earlier than you want. He will likely work out less frequently for a while. Eventually it will all settle out, but these compromises are key to sustaining a healthy relationship with an infant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. I did not expect my husband to get up with the baby at night when I was a SAHM. Plus, I was breastfeeding. Not much he could do. He had to get up at 5:45 and work all day. I was at home and could nap when the baby did.

Agree. But I do get different people have different needs.

So if you are insisting he help at night bc you feel since he was before he still should and out of fairness, I would drop is. He has more focus and concentration required of him during them day. You can lounge around in increments throughout the day, even if not napping.

If you want him to help bc you feel you cannot safely mother and do basic function as things are, then yes, he needs to help.

[Anonymous]

What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. I did not expect my husband to get up with the baby at night when I was a SAHM. Plus, I was breastfeeding. Not much he could do. He had to get up at 5:45 and work all day. I was at home and could nap when the baby did.

My DH got up and rocked the babies to sleep on the nights they wouldn't fall back to sleep quickly after a night feed. And he worked while I stayed at home. Midday napping wasn't going to work with all the other things to take care of. He did his part and never complained. Not all husbands check out and expect life to be exactly the same as before baby.

[Anonymous]

DH is working, you are not. That means you wake up in the middle of the night until you all are gearing up for you to go back and you find an equitable schedule. It’s insane to me that you think he should be doing night feedings.
Signed, mother of 2

[Anonymous]

Get a postpartum doula. Best money we spent in the newborn days. When DS was sleeping she folder laundry, washed bottles and pump parts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is working, you are not. That means you wake up in the middle of the night until you all are gearing up for you to go back and you find an equitable schedule. It’s insane to me that you think he should be doing night feedings.
Signed, mother of 2

There are 3 night feedings, she just wants him to do 1 while she does 2. Plus he's working from home. She spends more time breastfeeding in a day than he spends working. He wants to go to bed at 10pm and work out every morning. That's a luxury you can't afford with a newborn.

[Anonymous]

They are both working. He works his job meanwhile her work is taking care of the baby during those same hours. Everything outside those work hours should be divided equally.
Saying he doesn't have to do anything at night because "he is working" in the day is a terrible way to get started. That's exactly how women end up responsible for everything home and kid related while men just "go to work". And it gets worse when the mom goes back to work. Her list gets longer and his doesn't change. OP should stand firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are both working. He works his job meanwhile her work is taking care of the baby during those same hours. Everything outside those work hours should be divided equally.
Saying he doesn't have to do anything at night because "he is working" in the day is a terrible way to get started. That's exactly how women end up responsible for everything home and kid related while men just "go to work". And it gets worse when the mom goes back to work. Her list gets longer and his doesn't change. OP should stand firm.

Why don’t you want her to get a nap or two during the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is working, you are not. That means you wake up in the middle of the night until you all are gearing up for you to go back and you find an equitable schedule. It’s insane to me that you think he should be doing night feedings.
Signed, mother of 2

And it’s insane to me you think a 5wk postpartum mother shouldn’t be getting decent rest.
Are you always so defensive about your husbands shortcomings?

— Mother of Children Whose Father Cared

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1 a.m. is a hard time to get up and get back to sleep if you need to be alert in the morning. Could you pump around 9 and go to bed for a few hours, have DH handle the 10 p.m. feeding, and then you take care of the middle of the night feedings? As others have said, this pattern may change in another 1-2 weeks, so you will continue to need to adjust by trial and error. If DH can take pre- midnight and you can take post, that might allow everyone to get a somewhat reasonable amount of uninterrupted sleep.

OP here. I have discussed doing this and he said no. He will be going to bed at 10 and needs a full nights sleep. Now that he is back at work, he will be waking up at 6am to workout before getting ready for work.

He could handle the 10 pm feed and still get 7-7.5 hours of sleep a night which is plenty. Or you could try to shift the final feed to 9:30. But the key would be you going to bed much earlier than 10-11. When I had newborns I was asleep by 7:30!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is working, you are not. That means you wake up in the middle of the night until you all are gearing up for you to go back and you find an equitable schedule. It’s insane to me that you think he should be doing night feedings.
Signed, mother of 2

It's insane to me that you expects all women to have low expectations of their husbands as you do of yours.

He's not performing brain surgery. He can get his ass up once a night or go to bed a bit later and do a morning feed instead of exercising every morning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is working, you are not. That means you wake up in the middle of the night until you all are gearing up for you to go back and you find an equitable schedule. It’s insane to me that you think he should be doing night feedings.
Signed, mother of 2

It's insane to me that you expects all women to have low expectations of their husbands as you do of yours.

He's not performing brain surgery. He can get his ass up once a night or go to bed a bit later and do a morning feed instead of exercising every morning

And she can take a nap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are both working. He works his job meanwhile her work is taking care of the baby during those same hours. Everything outside those work hours should be divided equally.
Saying he doesn't have to do anything at night because "he is working" in the day is a terrible way to get started. That's exactly how women end up responsible for everything home and kid related while men just "go to work". And it gets worse when the mom goes back to work. Her list gets longer and his doesn't change. OP should stand firm.

Why don’t you want her to get a nap or two during the day?

Why doesn't husband nap during his lunch break? There are others things that need to be done when the baby finally falls asleep (pump, clean parts, eat, use the bathroom, shower, change, to laundry, clean up messes). They don't nap for so long and it's really to make yourself fall asleep when you know that the baby will start screaming in just a few minutes. It also depends on the babies and their sleep habits. I have almost never been able to "nap while they nap" with my crappy sleepers. Plus sometimes they can only sleep on you or in the stroller.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is working, you are not. That means you wake up in the middle of the night until you all are gearing up for you to go back and you find an equitable schedule. It’s insane to me that you think he should be doing night feedings.
Signed, mother of 2

It's insane to me that you expects all women to have low expectations of their husbands as you do of yours.

He's not performing brain surgery. He can get his ass up once a night or go to bed a bit later and do a morning feed instead of exercising every morning

And she can take a nap.

Except she can’t but it’s a cute narrative you keep on with.