Reply to Will I regret not having a third?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I am in the exact same boat as you in terms of always thinking I would have three and wanting the third, but my husband doesn't. I am agonizing about it.

Reading this thread, which is mostly arguing to stop at 2, I think it's regional. I lived in DC for many years and just recently moved to the sunbelt. I think the DMV is very culturally different -- I really think parents are way more stressed by kids, and the local culture promotes feeling resentful towards children or highlighting the stressful parts, whether that's career-related or whatever. I agree with the person who said parenting is difficult but worthwhile. Maybe we're all chasing total happiness and bliss 24/7, which is impossible and setting us up for disappointment.

My question as I, too, contemplate this is: How is one more THAT much more stressful than two? Two is already hard! But how can one more person in the house add so much incremental difficulty? Or more difficulty than can be offset by the joy and fulfillment? I'm genuinely asking. [b]I was shellshocked going from 0-1 because it's a total lifestyle change. But 1-2 was basically zero adjustment for me -- we were already in the trenches![/b]

Besides an entire added human worth of expenses (which is a huge argument, I agree) and keeping the whole family down in the baby years with naps etc., I don't get how it's that big of a lifestyle change. But it DOES seem like it would be incrementally fun and lively and joyous and fulfilling.

Genuinely asking.[/quote]
NP, but I had the opposite reaction. Going from 0-1 felt pretty easy. We just took the baby in the car seat to do most of the things we had done before (which was mostly going to friends' houses, maybe out to dinner on occasion, baseball games). But 1-2 was so much more to juggle (giving two kids attention, the financial commitment, figuring out two sleep schedules, planning meals around two totally different palates, etc). At this point, I don't know if going from 2-3 would add that much more complications and stress.[/quote]

DP - who has three - most people find three much harder than two, just as most people find two much harder than one.  And, having one kid is much harder than having no kids, of course.

IME, each additional kid isn’t a linear increase in difficulty.  When you add a third, it increases the number of possible dynamics between any given pair in the family and in the family overall.  Kids are in different phases at different times, so you have to account for their various developmental needs and how those interact with those of others.  When they get older, the logistics are challenging, even if each kid only does one sport/activity that’s not school-based.  Older kids have emotional needs that feel overwhelming for many parents, even typically developing older kids - which, again, is complicated by how those needs interact with those of their siblings.  But because it’s “only” three kids, many parents still feel pressure to keep on top of them.  Once you get to 4+, it’s often more chaotic - and there’s almost always a SAHP, which matters, too.  Almost all the families I know with three have two parents who work FT.

Anyway.  I love having three, I love the mess of it all, etc., but I’m also not a perfectionist.  I would never try to convince someone on the fence to go for a third, especially not with the “think 30 years into the future!!!” nonsense that people often say.  You have to get through those years, and that’s easier said than done.[/quote]

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