Getting Divorced. People Say “I’m sorry.” Why?

[Anonymous]

People don’t feel sorry for YOU. They’re being polite. Stop reading so much into it.

“How’s your new job?”
“I quit after a week”
“Oh, sorry it didn’t work out.”
“It was for the best, the boss was a jerk and the office was full of rats.”
“Wow! I’m glad you’re out of there.”

[Anonymous]

I usually say something along the lines of “I’m sorry. Or perhaps congratulations. Either way, I’m sure this is a lot to deal with. I’m here if you need anything.”

A good friend of mine just divorced a humongous sociopath and it was absolutely the best thing for her. But it was still a crappy process to go through with GALs involved and a lot of their money was burnt through with custody disputes. Even something good in the long term can come with headaches in the short term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

[Anonymous]

They are just saying sorry that your marriage failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People don’t feel sorry for YOU. They’re being polite. Stop reading so much into it.

“How’s your new job?”
“I quit after a week”
“Oh, sorry it didn’t work out.”
“It was for the best, the boss was a jerk and the office was full of rats.”
“Wow! I’m glad you’re out of there.”

It could be both. Divorced life sucks.

[Anonymous]

I’m supposed to know to be happy for you that you won’t be spending all holidays with your kids from now on? I’m supposed to know to be relieved that you won’t tuck your kids into bed every night?

OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell then it's the best decision you've ever made.

NP. It was the best decision I ever made and I only regret waiting as long as I did, but the process itself is difficult to navigate, time consuming, and expensive. I know no one who knew my first husband thought I was sad that the marriage was ending, but I appreciate their sympathy for what the process entails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

All divorces are not bad at the time of the divorce OP. But something has gone wrong to get to the point of needing a divorce! It means your marriage failed. Some of you are really in denial.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, sorry you didn’t figure out this dude was a jerk before you wasted all that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

[Anonymous]

I say sorry too and am thinking "sorry for all the stress and paperwork/ logistical problems that comes with"
I am not sorry that they are losing their spouse as I assume they don't want to be together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, Thank you for starting this thread.

All divorces are not bad. I’ve never understood saying “I’m sorry.” either…

All good things must come to an end and nothing last forever.

This topic makes a good discussion.

It’s true that “nothing lasts for ever,” but it’s also true that there are marriages that fulfill their solemn vows: “Until death do us part.”

Some marriages fail. Failure is part of life, and it can be the right next step toward a better future. But you can’t ask the very same people who danced at your wedding—at YOUR invitation to celebrate you, your now-ex, and your marriage—to automatically be happy that your marriage failed. Did you want it to fail? Did your spouse want it to fail? Did you go into it wanting to fail, or to succeed?

If you fail the bar exam? I’m sorry.
If your marriage fails? I’m sorry.
If your new job fails and you are fired or quit? I’m sorry.
If you fail to qualify for the sporting event you were training for? I’m sorry.

From all of these failures can come growth, peace, and a better tomorrow. But you have to accept that—your marriage failed. There it is. I’m sorry you find that hard to accept, but you won’t move on properly if you can’t accept the failure.

Of course I didn’t want my marriage to fail. But the fact is it become untenable to remain in a marriage where I had to continually compromise my values about how I should be treated. The broken glasses, the bruises, the emotional and financial abuse are nothing anyone should put up with. And I did - for years. Did my spouse want the marriage to fail? By refusing to get treatment and to get better? I would say yes. I feel sorry she - whether through fear or shame - threw it all away.

Well then I’m sorry that:
-It became untenable to remain in a marriage where you had to continually compromise your values about how you should be treated
-I’m sorry you endured broken glasses, bruises, emotional and financial abuse
-I’m sorry your spouse refused to get treatment and threw it all away

Do you get it yet? THAT’S WHAT WE’RE SORRY FOR.

People keep telling these god awful sad sack stories about the circumstances surrounding their divorce and broken family but no really it was all a breeze and the best thing ever no problems at all for anyone involved! It truly does feel like we’re being gaslit.

People are in denial about the impact of divorce on themselves and their families. They don't want to admit they made such a huge and consequential mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t be obtuse-they mean they are sorry your marriage didn’t work out (which you surely know!)

+1 Who goes into a marriage thinking you'll get divorced? I'm sorry for the pain of broken dreams and loss. Why is that hard to understand?