Sister recently said our Stepdad sexually abused her

[Anonymous]

New poster here. Haven’t read all responses. Based on your initial post:

1. Believe your sister.
2. Keep your children away from your stepfather at all costs.

I sincerely hope you are not a troll. If you are, you need help. Childhood sexual abuse by a family member DOES happen, in all types of homes. Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Do you care about your relationship with your sister? How will she feel when you act like nothing happened and go off on a family vacation with your allegedly pimp mother and allegedly predatory stepfather?

[Anonymous]

OP, to answer your original question. No, you do not talk to your mother about this. She is complicit and will gaslight your sister. And yes, you cancel the trip. You do not have to give your mom and stepfather an explanation. It is up to you whether you tell your siblings. If they also have children, I would let them know.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why you called your sister a “pot stirrer”. You acknowledged she was right about what happened with mom and the money. It sounds like she’s the only honest one in the family with a moral compass and the rest of you suck. Sorry. I’m on team doctor sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for all the replies, even the ones flaming me. The perspective is useful.

My sister has always maintained that it wasn’t rape. I don’t really know the details and didn’t feel right asking my sister about them. She said it was a pattern, many incidents over a period of many years. Our mom used to travel for work and would leave my sister alone with stepdad (and me and our other sibling, but we didn’t know anything was amiss).

Even though my sister is extremely financially successful, she does have a pattern of being a bit of a pot stirrer within the family. For example, she once sent a letter to several family members stating that our mom was financially abusing our grandfather and trying to get everyone on board to take over grandpa’s finances. She also reported our mom to adult protective services for elder abuse. I was not involved in any of this, but it is true that our mom was probably taking advantage of grandpa for many years.

My sister does not really like that I talk to our mom and historically, mom and sister have sometimes been competitive over me and my sibling. A teeny tiny part of me wonders if this isn’t the ultimate card that my sister has to play to get me over to her side and burn the bridge with mom, once and for all.

I’m just explaining why I’m slightly less tenacious about this than I maybe should be.

Regardless, I appreciate the discussion here.

OP, I didn't read the whole thread, I imagine you got quite a bit of abuse. Many of the people knocking you have not been in your situation. I do think that your sister is likely telling the truth, and I would not bring your minor children around him. If he is eventually investigated for anything, there is a possibility that CPS will get involved (with your family) and the less time they have spent in his presence the easier it will be for you and them. They are not going to take your kids away of course, but, they may get to interview your kids (without you present) to determine that nothing happened. I highly recommend talking to a therapist (you and your wife should go so you are on the same page) if you are nervous confronting your mom about it. My husband and I did this when dealing with a similar situation and a couple of appointments really helped us craft our message to my parents, it also helped to make sure we were aligned as a couple. I also want to say that it is okay that you aren't sure what to feel about your step-dad or the situation. People are complicated. Your feelings about the situation will likely change over time. It is okay to step back and think carefully about how you want to deal with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Your normal meter is completely broken, OP.

[Anonymous]

The absolute most important thing to do here is to tell your wife. All of it. Everything. Unvarnished.

It's clear to me what the right path is, and it's also clear to me that you've got some Issues in how you're seeing all this that probably are a direct result of family dynamics growing up that served your stepfather's interests rather than yours and your siblings. But I'm a stranger on the internet, so is everyone else on this thread, and those unhealthy thought patterns aren't going to be straightened out by an anonymous post. What's important is to get your wife informed so she can advocate for what is necessary and start to sort this all out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The absolute most important thing to do here is to tell your wife. All of it. Everything. Unvarnished.

It's clear to me what the right path is, and it's also clear to me that you've got some Issues in how you're seeing all this that probably are a direct result of family dynamics growing up that served your stepfather's interests rather than yours and your siblings. But I'm a stranger on the internet, so is everyone else on this thread, and those unhealthy thought patterns aren't going to be straightened out by an anonymous post. What's important is to get your wife informed so she can advocate for what is necessary and start to sort this all out.

Sounds great theory but you know OP will never do this. He could never be a “pot stirrer”. He’s been trained to keep silent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Based on what you’ve said, I’m inclined to believe the sister.

And yes, I think I would cancel the trip. Sorry.

Op here. It’s not that I don’t believe my sister. I just don’t know and have no way of knowing if it happened or not. My sister and I are not terribly close.

If I was forced to guess, I’d say she’s probably telling the truth.

Wow. Haven't read all of the comments, so, maybe someone beat me to it--but, let me ask, what reason do you think your sister would have for lying?

It sounds like she is telling you out of a sense of urgency to protect your kids and has sheltered her own kids from potential abuse. So, what exactly makes you suspect her account would possibly be untrue?

[Anonymous]

OP, stand with your sister. What a truly horrible thing that happened to her, and your own mother didn't believe her or keep her safe? Aren't you all she has left from her family of origin? Be there for her now and cut ties. Also, tell your wife and keep your children away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for all the replies, even the ones flaming me. The perspective is useful.

My sister has always maintained that it wasn’t rape. I don’t really know the details and didn’t feel right asking my sister about them. She said it was a pattern, many incidents over a period of many years. Our mom used to travel for work and would leave my sister alone with stepdad (and me and our other sibling, but we didn’t know anything was amiss).

Even though my sister is extremely financially successful, she does have a pattern of being a bit of a pot stirrer within the family. For example, she once sent a letter to several family members stating that our mom was financially abusing our grandfather and trying to get everyone on board to take over grandpa’s finances. She also reported our mom to adult protective services for elder abuse. I was not involved in any of this, but it is true that our mom was probably taking advantage of grandpa for many years.

My sister does not really like that I talk to our mom and historically, mom and sister have sometimes been competitive over me and my sibling. A teeny tiny part of me wonders if this isn’t the ultimate card that my sister has to play to get me over to her side and burn the bridge with mom, once and for all.

I’m just explaining why I’m slightly less tenacious about this than I maybe should be.

Regardless, I appreciate the discussion here.

OP, I didn't read the whole thread, I imagine you got quite a bit of abuse. Many of the people knocking you have not been in your situation. I do think that your sister is likely telling the truth, and I would not bring your minor children around him. If he is eventually investigated for anything, there is a possibility that CPS will get involved (with your family) and the less time they have spent in his presence the easier it will be for you and them. They are not going to take your kids away of course, but, they may get to interview your kids (without you present) to determine that nothing happened. I highly recommend talking to a therapist (you and your wife should go so you are on the same page) if you are nervous confronting your mom about it. My husband and I did this when dealing with a similar situation and a couple of appointments really helped us craft our message to my parents, it also helped to make sure we were aligned as a couple. I also want to say that it is okay that you aren't sure what to feel about your step-dad or the situation. People are complicated. Your feelings about the situation will likely change over time. It is okay to step back and think carefully about how you want to deal with everyone.

If your sister is a doctor, she is a mandatory reporter, hence why she would call adult protective services if she suspected--it can be a suspicion--doesn't even have to be confirmed abuse. I'm sorry you're struggling with the situation, and hope that you and wife can have an honest discussion and as others suggested seek out some clinical support, because there seems to be a lot to unpack here and it would be helpful to have a trained expert to assist you in doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thank you for all the replies, even the ones flaming me. The perspective is useful.

My sister has always maintained that it wasn’t rape. I don’t really know the details and didn’t feel right asking my sister about them. She said it was a pattern, many incidents over a period of many years. Our mom used to travel for work and would leave my sister alone with stepdad (and me and our other sibling, but we didn’t know anything was amiss).

Even though my sister is extremely financially successful, she does have a pattern of being a bit of a pot stirrer within the family. For example, she once sent a letter to several family members stating that our mom was financially abusing our grandfather and trying to get everyone on board to take over grandpa’s finances. She also reported our mom to adult protective services for elder abuse. I was not involved in any of this, but it is true that our mom was probably taking advantage of grandpa for many years.

My sister does not really like that I talk to our mom and historically, mom and sister have sometimes been competitive over me and my sibling. A teeny tiny part of me wonders if this isn’t the ultimate card that my sister has to play to get me over to her side and burn the bridge with mom, once and for all.

I’m just explaining why I’m slightly less tenacious about this than I maybe should be.

Regardless, I appreciate the discussion here.

OP, your sister isn't a "pot stirrer". She seems to be the only one in your family that has some sense of morality. Your mom has a known history of being a financial cheat, and your sister is the one you have trouble believing? It seems to me that you are conflict avoidant, and tend to look the other way when your mom and step dad do shady things, so as to not be accused of being a pot stirrer.

Hopefully, your spouse has a better head on their shoulders than you seem to.

[Anonymous]

This discussion is making me wonder what exactly a pot-stirrer is, literally. Is the expression from somebody stirring a pot? Because I can’t think of very many situations when stirring is a bad thing. Usually if you don’t stir, the food gets burned, the pasta clumps together, whatever.

I feel like any pot-stirring your sister is doing is a service. You’re just letting people get burned.

[Anonymous]

I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

#1. You had one incident. She had multiple ongoing incidents.
#2. YOU are naive to think your dad’s sexual abuse stopped with you.