Sister recently said our Stepdad sexually abused her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

#1. You had one incident. She had multiple ongoing incidents.
#2. YOU are naive to think your dad’s sexual abuse stopped with you.

No I am hardly naive. I am a realist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

#1. You had one incident. She had multiple ongoing incidents.
#2. YOU are naive to think your dad’s sexual abuse stopped with you.

realistic.

This idea that women never lie about this sort of thing is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

It’s terrible you still let your children about him.
I am sorry that that happened to you, it’s something you have to figure out in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

My aunt was molested by my grandfather when she was young and I spent time around him. It was a one-time thing when he was drunk, as you said. And everything was fine. But I would have also been just fine with no relationship with him. I would definitely make a different choice than my mother did in her shoes.

And unless Op and his family is financially dependent on the stepfather I think that a lot of your reasoning doesn’t apply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

#1. You had one incident. She had multiple ongoing incidents.
#2. YOU are naive to think your dad’s sexual abuse stopped with you.

realistic.

This idea that women never lie about this sort of thing is wrong.

I’m not sure what that has to do with PP’s comment, but I don’t know if one single person who believes that women never lie about being molested.

[Anonymous]

Remove the idea of your mother and step-father, even remove the idea of your sister.

If a mandated reporter told you one of your children’s teachers, coaches or camp counselors had a history of molesting children, would you rationalize that they’re unlikely to be alone with your children and take no further action? Probably—hopefully—not.

Now apply your reaction to the above to the fact that it is significantly more likely for children to be abused by a family member and you have the rational response.

The above is how you behave like a good parent. I really hope the ship hasn’t sailed on being a good sibling but I don’t think that’s what your sister is looking for at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

Am I the only one that finds this disturbing? I find this unforgivable regardless if it was just once, and over my dead body would I let him be alone with my children. Once that line is crossed by a parent, there is no going back. I consider myself a flexible thinker but this one got me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

Am I the only one that finds this disturbing? I find this unforgivable regardless if it was just once, and over my dead body would I let him be alone with my children. Once that line is crossed by a parent, there is no going back. I consider myself a flexible thinker but this one got me.

.
Pretty sure most of us find this disturbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

When one of your kids tells you they were also molested, will you tell them you knew your father was a child molester? Will you complain if your children cut you off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister recently told me that our stepdad sexually abused her. She did not provide a lot of details, and I didn’t press her. She said it wasn’t rape, but more like groping and touching. She says our mom knew and would help create opportunities for the abuse to happen. My sister said she wanted me to know because I have my own kids now who are around stepdad and mom.

What are my next steps? I have plans this summer to visit my mom and stepdad with my kids. We are planning to rent a cabin together on a lake. It’s already paid for and arranged. Do I cancel?

I am not totally sure I believe my sister. My sister and mom have had a lot of drama over the years. They’ve been estranged for 10 years now. My sister struggles with depression and anxiety but she has a very successful career as a doctor. She’s married and has her own kids who have never met our mother and stepdad.

Do I talk to my mom about this? What about our other sibling?

This feels so similar to my situation -- I would be the sister -- with details changed, I wonder if you are my sister. Unfortunately, I suspect there are a lot of us out there.

This is what is similar:
1) y sister recently told me that our stepdad sexually abused her. She did not provide a lot of details, and I didn’t press her. SAME
2) She said it wasn’t rape, but more like groping and touching. SAME
3) She says our mom knew and would help create opportunities for the abuse to happen. ----> in my case, I wonder how much my mother knew but didn't want to admit to herself.
4) My sister said she wanted me to know because I have my own kids now who are around stepdad and mom. SAME
5) I am not totally sure I believe my sister. My sister and mom have had a lot of drama over the years. They’ve been estranged for 10 years now. WHAT WOULD YOU EXPECT IN SUCH A SITUATION?
6) My sister struggles with depression and anxiety but she has a very successful career as a doctor. SAME, NOT A DOCTOR BUT SAME IDEA
7) She’s married and has her own kids SAME

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

When one of your kids tells you they were also molested, will you tell them you knew your father was a child molester? Will you complain if your children cut you off?

Well none of that happened, drama lama. My kids are grown now and fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

Am I the only one that finds this disturbing? I find this unforgivable regardless if it was just once, and over my dead body would I let him be alone with my children. Once that line is crossed by a parent, there is no going back. I consider myself a flexible thinker but this one got me.

.
Pretty sure most of us find this disturbing.

No, this is actually what MOST people do. They get through it and soldier on.

I know several families like this from when I was a kid in the 60s. There was no leaving abusers. Wives didn't have jobs and if the scandal of abuse became known, the entire family was ostracized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

Am I the only one that finds this disturbing? I find this unforgivable regardless if it was just once, and over my dead body would I let him be alone with my children. Once that line is crossed by a parent, there is no going back. I consider myself a flexible thinker but this one got me.

.
Pretty sure most of us find this disturbing.

No, this is actually what MOST people do. They get through it and soldier on.

I know several families like this from when I was a kid in the 60s. There was no leaving abusers. Wives didn't have jobs and if the scandal of abuse became known, the entire family was ostracized.

Incest was much more common back in the days. There was a point when it was thought to be healthy. Now we know that it caused PTSD similar to what combat veterans experience. I hope you find peace someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find people on this thread incredibly naive about how life really works.

I was in a similar situation to the sister. There was only one incident and I shut it down and told my mother.

And then life went on. No one was reported or charged. We maintained our family life. I forgave my father and moved on. He babysat our kids and life moved on.

It is a fiction that you can blow up relationships like this and have it be better. For us we needed our father's income growing up. I would not have been better off without him. In addition, I loved my dad. His terrible mistake and all.

Am I the only one that finds this disturbing? I find this unforgivable regardless if it was just once, and over my dead body would I let him be alone with my children. Once that line is crossed by a parent, there is no going back. I consider myself a flexible thinker but this one got me.

.
Pretty sure most of us find this disturbing.

No, this is actually what MOST people do. They get through it and soldier on.

I know several families like this from when I was a kid in the 60s. There was no leaving abusers. Wives didn't have jobs and if the scandal of abuse became known, the entire family was ostracized.

And those people deal with it for the rest of their lives. These people are not in any way dependent on the pedophile. Why on earth would any sane parent put their children at risk?

I have friends that have survived horrific childhood abuse. They are not okay. Decades later, despite therapy.

[Anonymous]

Why has your sister not reported this? If it was a teacher, scout leader, or clergy person then folks would be raising the roof. But it's okay to protect family members?