We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is her plan to double her salary? Ask her that.

Her plan is to spend all their joint saving and not save for retirement.

Great plan, no?

[Anonymous]

So may good points already stated. It really is a simple budget exercise so do that first with her. Income in vs income out.

I do have a few questions. If you have a 15 yr mortgage and your dc are now 3 and 4 ish, won’t your mortgage be paid off by HS ( or close). How many years have you already had the 15?

Also, keep in mind that a lot of dc do piano, swim, soccer, whatever and these cost are $$$. In private, and public, many teens in the dmv travel/ travel on school language, band, science trips. More $$ needed there.

If it is a good fit school for your dcs it can be worth it, but if financially it is going to harm your retirement and relationship then no.

We had one in private and one in public. They had different needs. We offered private to other as well when we saw the difference but that dc did not want to change. They just graduated from university so all worked out ok! The private school child is all at a great university.

It can be a difficult discussion but needs to start with finances. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think either one of you is necessarily wrong. It’s hard without more facts. Obviously we’re getting your side and you don’t seem to believe they are good either. How involved are you with your kids schools - who is sitting and doing their homework with them? Do your kids have any challenges with schools? Is it possible to move to an area with better public schools? Can you cut vacation to make up the deficit?
We left public during Covid and it’s stressed our finances. I absolutely believe it’s been worth it though.
I would also look at catholic schools and at least apply for financial aid.

You think it’s worth it because confirmation bias. It was actually a dumb decision.

I am a public school parent and I think it’s highly that PP is wrong. Covid has been abysmal for so many students, especially those who were supposed to be learning foundational topics like reading for K and advanced math for middle and high school, and of course the impact is even worse for a kid with even the smallest special need. You just cannot learn as well over a computer, and private schools did much less of that. This isn’t even factoring in the fact that private schools are far more likely to have a content-rich curriculum and good writing composition instruction, and much less of a problem with behavioral issues in the transition back to the classroom. This is reflected in data. It’s not confirmation bias unless PP’s public school option was a unicorn.

There is actually very little data supporting that private schools have better outcomes due to the school. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.3102/0013189X18785632

UMC/MC parents who value education make sacrifices, but cannot sacrifice their entire financial lives. You move to a better school district, stay involved in school, get tutoring, get into the good programs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think either one of you is necessarily wrong. It’s hard without more facts. Obviously we’re getting your side and you don’t seem to believe they are good either. How involved are you with your kids schools - who is sitting and doing their homework with them? Do your kids have any challenges with schools? Is it possible to move to an area with better public schools? Can you cut vacation to make up the deficit?
We left public during Covid and it’s stressed our finances. I absolutely believe it’s been worth it though.
I would also look at catholic schools and at least apply for financial aid.

You think it’s worth it because confirmation bias. It was actually a dumb decision.

I am a public school parent and I think it’s highly that PP is wrong. Covid has been abysmal for so many students, especially those who were supposed to be learning foundational topics like reading for K and advanced math for middle and high school, and of course the impact is even worse for a kid with even the smallest special need. You just cannot learn as well over a computer, and private schools did much less of that. This isn’t even factoring in the fact that private schools are far more likely to have a content-rich curriculum and good writing composition instruction, and much less of a problem with behavioral issues in the transition back to the classroom. This is reflected in data. It’s not confirmation bias unless PP’s public school option was a unicorn.

There is actually very little data supporting that private schools have better outcomes due to the school. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.3102/0013189X18785632

UMC/MC parents who value education make sacrifices, but cannot sacrifice their entire financial lives. You move to a better school district, stay involved in school, get tutoring, get into the good programs.

Well first of all, I never suggested that OP should sacrifice his entire financial life for it!

Second of all, that was 2018, those blissful days of yore when kids weren’t expected to learn over a computer and then magically be caught up after returning to a classroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think either one of you is necessarily wrong. It’s hard without more facts. Obviously we’re getting your side and you don’t seem to believe they are good either. How involved are you with your kids schools - who is sitting and doing their homework with them? Do your kids have any challenges with schools? Is it possible to move to an area with better public schools? Can you cut vacation to make up the deficit?
We left public during Covid and it’s stressed our finances. I absolutely believe it’s been worth it though.
I would also look at catholic schools and at least apply for financial aid.

You think it’s worth it because confirmation bias. It was actually a dumb decision.

Your uninformed anonymous opinion is duly noted.
If you think public schools were OK during Covid, you clearly are not involved or had a far different experience than my kids did. One of my kids public school teachers never even showed up to zooms. There was 1.5 years of learning loss and it didn’t magically get made up.
There are a bunch of people that only care about the financial piece opining. If that’s all you care about, then yes it’s a bad decision.
OP’s assumption is it’s $35k for high school tuition and that’s that. I advised to look at parochial schools and apply for aid and choose a school more in line with their budget. Or move to an area with better schools. Or OP can take them to after school tutoring and work with them. As a mother, I wouldn’t be OK with him just chiming in with a no and doing absolutely nothing to make the situation better. My guess is the public schools are really shitty if OP in his biased retelling called them not good. You are all so focused on HHI you can’t see the big picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to show her the actual numbers. You have to be prepared with your own financial bottom line on retirement, emergency savings, and college savings.

People like your wife are "fuzzy thinkers" about money. You cannot let their fuzziness, denial, and wishful thinking ruin your own finances.

Sorry to say you'll just have to be very assertive and put your foot down.

If she insists, you may have no other option than to separate finances, if you don't already. That is, you get your own bank account, and your paycheck goes there. You contribute 50% of the joint expenses, and then what you have decided into retirement, emergency savings, and college fund. If she thinks she can pay for private school entirely out of her own money, then she can do that. But I assume she cannot.

I know this sounds harsh, but you can't let her ruin your and your children's economic futures.

It’s doesn’t sound harsh, it sounds clueless. What are you 80? Put the little woman in her place…
Follow this advice, Op, and it won’t end well.

PP here. I am actually in this scenario with the genders reversed, so. It is actually MORE crucial for women to operate this way if there are intractable disagreements about money.

Regardless of gender, I'm not sure what you think a financial partner is supposed to do when the other party wants to spend money the partnership does not have or that creates financial risk. The "separate finances" approach is not fairy tale, but (short of divorce) it's the best way to manage a financially irresponsible partner.

They need to put their heads together and find something that's agreeable. Only send for high school and keep them in public for the middle school. Look for a cheaper alternative. Cut out vacations.
Marriages don't work out to just say - nope - we'll do separate finances and that's that. There is some middle ground that you need to find.

Ideally that’s how it works. But if one spouse is financially irresponsible or exploitative, the other spouse has to protect themselves. OP’s wife is trying to pressure him into pretty seriously prejudicing his finances in an irrational way.

OPs wife could say he doesn’t care about their education. We’re not there yet - there is still time to come to a mutual agreement.

And she would be exaggerating. Whereas he is not exaggerating. This isn’t a “both sides” disagreement.

PP was responding to a comment implying that OP’s wife is exploitative. I agree with PP - it’s not exploitative to want to stretch to pay for private; that would be the same as saying OP doesn’t care about his kids’ education.

They take care of these kids together, and one partner doesn’t get to make all the financial or educational decisions. I do see OP’s side more on this but I think he should first try to mentally set aside his financial concerns and listen to why his wife really wants their kids in private, and then together they can be creative to see how they can take care of those concerns without blowing up their finances. They can get creative. In our family I did that and I wound up homeschooling for two years and I still do weekend enrichment. OP has more options than just flat-out saying no and getting into credit card debt.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think either one of you is necessarily wrong. It’s hard without more facts. Obviously we’re getting your side and you don’t seem to believe they are good either. How involved are you with your kids schools - who is sitting and doing their homework with them? Do your kids have any challenges with schools? Is it possible to move to an area with better public schools? Can you cut vacation to make up the deficit?
We left public during Covid and it’s stressed our finances. I absolutely believe it’s been worth it though.
I would also look at catholic schools and at least apply for financial aid.

You think it’s worth it because confirmation bias. It was actually a dumb decision.

Public school was so bad my child wasn’t even getting out of bed. Private school turned that around. It was absolutely worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think either one of you is necessarily wrong. It’s hard without more facts. Obviously we’re getting your side and you don’t seem to believe they are good either. How involved are you with your kids schools - who is sitting and doing their homework with them? Do your kids have any challenges with schools? Is it possible to move to an area with better public schools? Can you cut vacation to make up the deficit?
We left public during Covid and it’s stressed our finances. I absolutely believe it’s been worth it though.
I would also look at catholic schools and at least apply for financial aid.

You think it’s worth it because confirmation bias. It was actually a dumb decision.

I am a public school parent and I think it’s highly that PP is wrong. Covid has been abysmal for so many students, especially those who were supposed to be learning foundational topics like reading for K and advanced math for middle and high school, and of course the impact is even worse for a kid with even the smallest special need. You just cannot learn as well over a computer, and private schools did much less of that. This isn’t even factoring in the fact that private schools are far more likely to have a content-rich curriculum and good writing composition instruction, and much less of a problem with behavioral issues in the transition back to the classroom. This is reflected in data. It’s not confirmation bias unless PP’s public school option was a unicorn.

There is actually very little data supporting that private schools have better outcomes due to the school. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.3102/0013189X18785632

UMC/MC parents who value education make sacrifices, but cannot sacrifice their entire financial lives. You move to a better school district, stay involved in school, get tutoring, get into the good programs.

This article was published in 2018! This is your supporting evidence
My gosh a discussion on education from people focused on finances is eye opening.

[Anonymous]

There is a very simple solution to this. You pay a family who lives in Langley Virginia $500/month to rent a room in their home so that you can use their address to send your kid to either Longfellow/Cooper MS and Langley HS.

Longfellow/Cooper is probably the top three MS in Virginia (if you also include Rachel Carson MS). Langley HS is the best school in Virginia after TJ. Stay away from McLean HS because that Mclean HS is overcrowded and not as good as Langley HS,even though it is still a very good HS right after Langley.

I know several families that do this so their kids can attend Longfellow/Cooper MS and Langley HS. Money well spent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a very simple solution to this. You pay a family who lives in Langley Virginia $500/month to rent a room in their home so that you can use their address to send your kid to either Longfellow/Cooper MS and Langley HS.

Longfellow/Cooper is probably the top three MS in Virginia (if you also include Rachel Carson MS). Langley HS is the best school in Virginia after TJ. Stay away from McLean HS because that Mclean HS is overcrowded and not as good as Langley HS,even though it is still a very good HS right after Langley.

I know several families that do this so their kids can attend Longfellow/Cooper MS and Langley HS. Money well spent.

This is not legal unless you actually live in that room.
You could also rob a bank to pay the tuition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think either one of you is necessarily wrong. It’s hard without more facts. Obviously we’re getting your side and you don’t seem to believe they are good either. How involved are you with your kids schools - who is sitting and doing their homework with them? Do your kids have any challenges with schools? Is it possible to move to an area with better public schools? Can you cut vacation to make up the deficit?
We left public during Covid and it’s stressed our finances. I absolutely believe it’s been worth it though.
I would also look at catholic schools and at least apply for financial aid.

You think it’s worth it because confirmation bias. It was actually a dumb decision.

I am a public school parent and I think it’s highly that PP is wrong. Covid has been abysmal for so many students, especially those who were supposed to be learning foundational topics like reading for K and advanced math for middle and high school, and of course the impact is even worse for a kid with even the smallest special need. You just cannot learn as well over a computer, and private schools did much less of that. This isn’t even factoring in the fact that private schools are far more likely to have a content-rich curriculum and good writing composition instruction, and much less of a problem with behavioral issues in the transition back to the classroom. This is reflected in data. It’s not confirmation bias unless PP’s public school option was a unicorn.

There is actually very little data supporting that private schools have better outcomes due to the school. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.3102/0013189X18785632

UMC/MC parents who value education make sacrifices, but cannot sacrifice their entire financial lives. You move to a better school district, stay involved in school, get tutoring, get into the good programs.

This article was published in 2018! This is your supporting evidence

Damn
My gosh a discussion on education from people focused on finances is eye opening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think either one of you is necessarily wrong. It’s hard without more facts. Obviously we’re getting your side and you don’t seem to believe they are good either. How involved are you with your kids schools - who is sitting and doing their homework with them? Do your kids have any challenges with schools? Is it possible to move to an area with better public schools? Can you cut vacation to make up the deficit?
We left public during Covid and it’s stressed our finances. I absolutely believe it’s been worth it though.
I would also look at catholic schools and at least apply for financial aid.

You think it’s worth it because confirmation bias. It was actually a dumb decision.

Public school was so bad my child wasn’t even getting out of bed. Private school turned that around. It was absolutely worth it.

I’m not allowing my kids in these jungle classes

[Anonymous]

MCPS is a train wreck. If you live in that district avoid that awful school district at all costs. The council members are destroying it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a very simple solution to this. You pay a family who lives in Langley Virginia $500/month to rent a room in their home so that you can use their address to send your kid to either Longfellow/Cooper MS and Langley HS.

Longfellow/Cooper is probably the top three MS in Virginia (if you also include Rachel Carson MS). Langley HS is the best school in Virginia after TJ. Stay away from McLean HS because that Mclean HS is overcrowded and not as good as Langley HS,even though it is still a very good HS right after Langley.

I know several families that do this so their kids can attend Longfellow/Cooper MS and Langley HS. Money well spent.

This is not legal unless you actually live in that room.
You could also rob a bank to pay the tuition.

There are rules and there are ways to get around the rules, legally. Perfectly legal.

[Anonymous]

The wife rules the roost here