How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m a little surprised that everyone is siding with the friend, who I think behaved very poorly and immaturely. OP only invited these four friends, to a huge event in OP’s life - yes, it’s the DD’s wedding, but it’s not like OP is just a guest at it. She and DH are likely hosting and it’s a milestone event for OP, too, so it’s totally understandable that she would hope her friend recognizes that. I think it’s fair that OP conveyed her disappointment to her friend at the point of the initial conversation - which never should have had taken place in that way because the friend should have broached the subject long before. I think the friend initiating the conversation as soon as she was aware of the conflict and explaining things well would have gone a very long way toward OP feeling much differently about both this situation and her friend.

+1 I am so confused by these people who are like this is no big deal; you're over-reacting.

It's understandable to be disappointed, but why is it so hard to understand that Sue has a conflict and cannot attend?

The way the friend handled it was abysmal. She obviously knew it was a big deal for OP. Everyone needs to stop it with the "It's not your day..." comments. It's her daughter and it IS a big deal. Have you never been to a wedding? The parents of the bride are a huge part of the wedding - so much so that I didn't even want a wedding because my mother died and couldn't be there. The dad has a whole freakin dance with the bride! Anyway, the friend got the invite and didn't RSVP, which is so rude I can't even. In any case, if a close friend of the family did that to me, I would assume that she's coming! I'm impressed that OP even checked with her just to make sure! This whole thing is so infuriating. The stupid friend should have given her regrets in person before she RSVP'd no and smoothed this over. Then maybe OP wouldn't be so upset. Good grief, people. This lady's daughter is getting married and one of her closest friends is being rude and inconsiderate.

I'm sure she didn't RSVP because she couldn't bring herself to mark no - but also knew there was no realistic way to mark yes. Yes of course it would have been better to respond, but haven't you ever been in that position?

No! I'm honest with my friends, and there is no WAY I would mess around and be flaky about something as important as a child's wedding. I cannot believe this woman did this to OP. A child's wedding is a huge deal. It's emotional. It's bitter sweet. A mom needs support and needs to feel like her friends are there for her. I would be very disappointed that my close friend chose to go to another wedding. I would be infuriated if she handled it as poorly as this.

op had her three other 'deer' friends. Sue probably knew op would react this way and wanted to avoid that. Of course she should have said no right away but, as you can see op badgered her relentlessly until she felt that she had to say no even when she couldn't go! I would say if the dd had died than the op needed moral support but, not a marriage!

meant dear, of course!

The OP checked on the RSVP, said she was disappointed in the decision (which she has every right to be based on the description of the friendship), and then responded to one more text from the friend. How is that badgering?

Come on, read the OP. The friend was practically begging OP to tell her it was all right if she missed the daughter's wedding so she could go to the other wedding of the couple she set up. OP refused to do it - and wouldn't even accept when Sue was only coming to part of her daughter's wedding so she could make part of the other couple's; OP still gave her a hard time. We can all understand why, but it wasn't really great behavior on OP's part.

You come on. Seriously? Are you hearing yourself? How is this ok?

DP. You think it's okay to bully and berate your friends into doing what you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

lol! There are lot of people on this thread who do not get the nuances of adult social relationships and act like this is a 2nd grade birthday party situation. These women have a 20+ year friendship. A cherished child is getting married. The moms are practically sisters. In simple terms (because apparently it has to be explained?) the lifelong close friendship trumps the work friend.

But it was not the lifelong close friend getting married. And just because they’re work friends doesn’t mean they’re not close friendships. That couple’s wedding résumant would not even be happening without friend having introduced them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

lol! There are lot of people on this thread who do not get the nuances of adult social relationships and act like this is a 2nd grade birthday party situation. These women have a 20+ year friendship. A cherished child is getting married. The moms are practically sisters. In simple terms (because apparently it has to be explained?) the lifelong close friendship trumps the work friend.

What if the groom in the other couple has a 20+ year friendship with Sue's husband?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are making way too much of this. Really. Enjoyt the day with your daughter and move on.

"Sue" introduced the other couple to each other. She sort of HAS to be there if she can,. despite the conflict with your daughters wedding.

It really isn't worth losing an otherwise good friendship over.

[Anonymous]

Now you know she's someone you can't count on -- and that's not a friend. I don't think you were wrong to expect her there -- you thought she was your good friend. You assumed she's want to celebrate this huge milestone with you. Now you know her better. I wouldn't recover from this, either, OP. It's a shame this will mar your feelings about the wedding right now. Life isn't perfect.

Good luck with your DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

lol! There are lot of people on this thread who do not get the nuances of adult social relationships and act like this is a 2nd grade birthday party situation. These women have a 20+ year friendship. A cherished child is getting married. The moms are practically sisters. In simple terms (because apparently it has to be explained?) the lifelong close friendship trumps the work friend.

Yeah I definitely get it op. I would be hurt too!! I think it’s ok to be hurt. I feel like there’s something behind why she feels she needs to go to this other wedding, it’s bizarre and hard for us to understand but it’s most likely not about you or your friendship. That being said again it’s normal to be hurt especially because you were honest with her that this was important to you. And I think that was a great move and shows you really are close friends.

All the being said I agree with others that I think you’ll be surprised how time can heal things like this. The saying time heals all isn’t true - time doesn’t heal the death of your child or spouse, but it is really amazing how it can heal things like this. I’m not trying to make a comparison, it’s not the differing Olympics, just to say that saying annoys me sometimes but it applies here. The intensity of the wedding and how important it felt will pass in a few years and it won’t feel so raw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

lol! There are lot of people on this thread who do not get the nuances of adult social relationships and act like this is a 2nd grade birthday party situation. These women have a 20+ year friendship. A cherished child is getting married. The moms are practically sisters. In simple terms (because apparently it has to be explained?) the lifelong close friendship trumps the work friend.

OP's friend is allowed to have other friends and care about them too. Some of my best friends are work friends. Two of my "work friends" were my bridesmaids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

lol! There are lot of people on this thread who do not get the nuances of adult social relationships and act like this is a 2nd grade birthday party situation. These women have a 20+ year friendship. A cherished child is getting married. The moms are practically sisters. In simple terms (because apparently it has to be explained?) the lifelong close friendship trumps the work friend.

OP's friend is allowed to have other friends and care about them too. Some of my best friends are work friends. Two of my "work friends" were my bridesmaids.

And note that it is through OP's lens that you are getting the idea that the "work friend" is not an important enough relationship to merit wedding attendance -- clearly OP is wrong about this.

[Anonymous]

Friend handled this so badly. OP, please tell her to go to the other wedding and enjoy herself. Would you really want her at your daughter's wedding now knowing she doesn't want to be there? It would be a big old stinky stamp on the whole day. When people show you who they are, accept it and move on. Let it go and enjoy your daughter's day. Maybe you can hash it out one day, but she kind of sucks honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now you know she's someone you can't count on -- and that's not a friend. I don't think you were wrong to expect her there -- you thought she was your good friend. You assumed she's want to celebrate this huge milestone with you. Now you know her better. I wouldn't recover from this, either, OP. It's a shame this will mar your feelings about the wedding right now. Life isn't perfect.

Good luck with your DD's wedding.

It's the daughter's wedding, not her funeral. How much support does OP need to get through the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

I see that. She did say the other person is a peer. This is an important day of my life (though it's my DD's wedding), and the *only* friends I'm inviting are these 4 women and their SOs. It's a small wedding. My DD babysit for Sue's kids for a few years.

I also don't see how our friendship will recover. I hear what you're saying and appreciate the gut check.

This is over the top, op.

Disagree.

OP, I would be hurt and pissed too. Would I get over it and move to with a friendship with Sue as part of this group? Probably, because it's easier than being a drama queen and causing confrontations and problems with the other friends. BUT I would never forget it and I would assume that in the future, Sue can't be counted on when the chips are down. Some people are just like that. You know now where you stand and that's OK, but forget this.

The chips weren’t down. Wtf are you even talking about? Another drama queen here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

lol! There are lot of people on this thread who do not get the nuances of adult social relationships and act like this is a 2nd grade birthday party situation. These women have a 20+ year friendship. A cherished child is getting married. The moms are practically sisters. In simple terms (because apparently it has to be explained?) the lifelong close friendship trumps the work friend.

OP's friend is allowed to have other friends and care about them too. Some of my best friends are work friends. Two of my "work friends" were my bridesmaids.

And note that it is through OP's lens that you are getting the idea that the "work friend" is not an important enough relationship to merit wedding attendance -- clearly OP is wrong about this.

Of course work friend could be an important enough friendship to merit wedding attendance. It's possible that two important weddings can exist on the same day. This PP points out that the OP's wedding seems to be almost like a family event. Of course we're only getting the one side, but overall it seems like the onus is on the friend here to make this right. She handled the whole thing poorly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

lol! There are lot of people on this thread who do not get the nuances of adult social relationships and act like this is a 2nd grade birthday party situation. These women have a 20+ year friendship. A cherished child is getting married. The moms are practically sisters. In simple terms (because apparently it has to be explained?) the lifelong close friendship trumps the work friend.

OP never said this. Stop projecting things onto this situation that aren’t there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

lol! There are lot of people on this thread who do not get the nuances of adult social relationships and act like this is a 2nd grade birthday party situation. These women have a 20+ year friendship. A cherished child is getting married. The moms are practically sisters. In simple terms (because apparently it has to be explained?) the lifelong close friendship trumps the work friend.

OP never said this. Stop projecting things onto this situation that aren’t there.

20+ years of friendship? Seeing each other weekly? Vacationing together? Sounds pretty close to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now you know she's someone you can't count on -- and that's not a friend. I don't think you were wrong to expect her there -- you thought she was your good friend. You assumed she's want to celebrate this huge milestone with you. Now you know her better. I wouldn't recover from this, either, OP. It's a shame this will mar your feelings about the wedding right now. Life isn't perfect.

Good luck with your DD's wedding.

It's the daughter's wedding, not her funeral. How much support does OP need to get through the day?

I don't know. What I do know is that it's not ok to tell someone what they should and should not care about. It's also not ok to tell someone the way they feel isn't valid. The only one who truly knows how much support the OP needs is OP and probably her friend. The friend who didn't even have the courtesy to RSVP to her daughter's wedding.