How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a little surprised that everyone is siding with the friend, who I think behaved very poorly and immaturely. OP only invited these four friends, to a huge event in OP’s life - yes, it’s the DD’s wedding, but it’s not like OP is just a guest at it. She and DH are likely hosting and it’s a milestone event for OP, too, so it’s totally understandable that she would hope her friend recognizes that. I think it’s fair that OP conveyed her disappointment to her friend at the point of the initial conversation - which never should have had taken place in that way because the friend should have broached the subject long before. I think the friend initiating the conversation as soon as she was aware of the conflict and explaining things well would have gone a very long way toward OP feeling much differently about both this situation and her friend.

+1 I am so confused by these people who are like this is no big deal; you're over-reacting.

It's understandable to be disappointed, but why is it so hard to understand that Sue has a conflict and cannot attend?

The way the friend handled it was abysmal. She obviously knew it was a big deal for OP. Everyone needs to stop it with the "It's not your day..." comments. It's her daughter and it IS a big deal. Have you never been to a wedding? The parents of the bride are a huge part of the wedding - so much so that I didn't even want a wedding because my mother died and couldn't be there. The dad has a whole freakin dance with the bride! Anyway, the friend got the invite and didn't RSVP, which is so rude I can't even. In any case, if a close friend of the family did that to me, I would assume that she's coming! I'm impressed that OP even checked with her just to make sure! This whole thing is so infuriating. The stupid friend should have given her regrets in person before she RSVP'd no and smoothed this over. Then maybe OP wouldn't be so upset. Good grief, people. This lady's daughter is getting married and one of her closest friends is being rude and inconsiderate.

I'm sure she didn't RSVP because she couldn't bring herself to mark no - but also knew there was no realistic way to mark yes. Yes of course it would have been better to respond, but haven't you ever been in that position?

No! I'm honest with my friends, and there is no WAY I would mess around and be flaky about something as important as a child's wedding. I cannot believe this woman did this to OP. A child's wedding is a huge deal. It's emotional. It's bitter sweet. A mom needs support and needs to feel like her friends are there for her. I would be very disappointed that my close friend chose to go to another wedding. I would be infuriated if she handled it as poorly as this.

op had her three other 'deer' friends. Sue probably knew op would react this way and wanted to avoid that. Of course she should have said no right away but, as you can see op badgered her relentlessly until she felt that she had to say no even when she couldn't go! I would say if the dd had died than the op needed moral support but, not a marriage!

meant dear, of course!

The OP checked on the RSVP, said she was disappointed in the decision (which she has every right to be based on the description of the friendship), and then responded to one more text from the friend. How is that badgering?

Come on, read the OP. The friend was practically begging OP to tell her it was all right if she missed the daughter's wedding so she could go to the other wedding of the couple she set up. OP refused to do it - and wouldn't even accept when Sue was only coming to part of her daughter's wedding so she could make part of the other couple's; OP still gave her a hard time. We can all understand why, but it wasn't really great behavior on OP's part.

You come on. Seriously? Are you hearing yourself? How is this ok?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

I see that. She did say the other person is a peer. This is an important day of my life (though it's my DD's wedding), and the *only* friends I'm inviting are these 4 women and their SOs. It's a small wedding. My DD babysit for Sue's kids for a few years.

I also don't see how our friendship will recover. I hear what you're saying and appreciate the gut check.

This is over the top, op.

Disagree.

OP, I would be hurt and pissed too. Would I get over it and move to with a friendship with Sue as part of this group? Probably, because it's easier than being a drama queen and causing confrontations and problems with the other friends. BUT I would never forget it and I would assume that in the future, Sue can't be counted on when the chips are down. Some people are just like that. You know now where you stand and that's OK, but forget this.

Unless OP is devastated over her daughter’s decision to get married for some reason, this is hardly a “chips are down” situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a little surprised that everyone is siding with the friend, who I think behaved very poorly and immaturely. OP only invited these four friends, to a huge event in OP’s life - yes, it’s the DD’s wedding, but it’s not like OP is just a guest at it. She and DH are likely hosting and it’s a milestone event for OP, too, so it’s totally understandable that she would hope her friend recognizes that. I think it’s fair that OP conveyed her disappointment to her friend at the point of the initial conversation - which never should have had taken place in that way because the friend should have broached the subject long before. I think the friend initiating the conversation as soon as she was aware of the conflict and explaining things well would have gone a very long way toward OP feeling much differently about both this situation and her friend.

+1 I am so confused by these people who are like this is no big deal; you're over-reacting.

It's understandable to be disappointed, but why is it so hard to understand that Sue has a conflict and cannot attend?

The way the friend handled it was abysmal. She obviously knew it was a big deal for OP. Everyone needs to stop it with the "It's not your day..." comments. It's her daughter and it IS a big deal. Have you never been to a wedding? The parents of the bride are a huge part of the wedding - so much so that I didn't even want a wedding because my mother died and couldn't be there. The dad has a whole freakin dance with the bride! Anyway, the friend got the invite and didn't RSVP, which is so rude I can't even. In any case, if a close friend of the family did that to me, I would assume that she's coming! I'm impressed that OP even checked with her just to make sure! This whole thing is so infuriating. The stupid friend should have given her regrets in person before she RSVP'd no and smoothed this over. Then maybe OP wouldn't be so upset. Good grief, people. This lady's daughter is getting married and one of her closest friends is being rude and inconsiderate.

I'm sure she didn't RSVP because she couldn't bring herself to mark no - but also knew there was no realistic way to mark yes. Yes of course it would have been better to respond, but haven't you ever been in that position?

No! I'm honest with my friends, and there is no WAY I would mess around and be flaky about something as important as a child's wedding. I cannot believe this woman did this to OP. A child's wedding is a huge deal. It's emotional. It's bitter sweet. A mom needs support and needs to feel like her friends are there for her. I would be very disappointed that my close friend chose to go to another wedding. I would be infuriated if she handled it as poorly as this.

op had her three other 'deer' friends. Sue probably knew op would react this way and wanted to avoid that. Of course she should have said no right away but, as you can see op badgered her relentlessly until she felt that she had to say no even when she couldn't go! I would say if the dd had died than the op needed moral support but, not a marriage!

meant dear, of course!

The OP checked on the RSVP, said she was disappointed in the decision (which she has every right to be based on the description of the friendship), and then responded to one more text from the friend. How is that badgering?

Come on, read the OP. The friend was practically begging OP to tell her it was all right if she missed the daughter's wedding so she could go to the other wedding of the couple she set up. OP refused to do it - and wouldn't even accept when Sue was only coming to part of her daughter's wedding so she could make part of the other couple's; OP still gave her a hard time. We can all understand why, but it wasn't really great behavior on OP's part.

You come on. Seriously? Are you hearing yourself? How is this ok?

I think a lot of us have said how it's ok. It's normal for OP to be hurt and disappointed. It's even normal for her to have been jerky to her friend when she tried to get OP to let her off the hook. Ending a 20 year friendship over this is beyond absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a little surprised that everyone is siding with the friend, who I think behaved very poorly and immaturely. OP only invited these four friends, to a huge event in OP’s life - yes, it’s the DD’s wedding, but it’s not like OP is just a guest at it. She and DH are likely hosting and it’s a milestone event for OP, too, so it’s totally understandable that she would hope her friend recognizes that. I think it’s fair that OP conveyed her disappointment to her friend at the point of the initial conversation - which never should have had taken place in that way because the friend should have broached the subject long before. I think the friend initiating the conversation as soon as she was aware of the conflict and explaining things well would have gone a very long way toward OP feeling much differently about both this situation and her friend.

+1 I am so confused by these people who are like this is no big deal; you're over-reacting.

It's understandable to be disappointed, but why is it so hard to understand that Sue has a conflict and cannot attend?

The way the friend handled it was abysmal. She obviously knew it was a big deal for OP. Everyone needs to stop it with the "It's not your day..." comments. It's her daughter and it IS a big deal. Have you never been to a wedding? The parents of the bride are a huge part of the wedding - so much so that I didn't even want a wedding because my mother died and couldn't be there. The dad has a whole freakin dance with the bride! Anyway, the friend got the invite and didn't RSVP, which is so rude I can't even. In any case, if a close friend of the family did that to me, I would assume that she's coming! I'm impressed that OP even checked with her just to make sure! This whole thing is so infuriating. The stupid friend should have given her regrets in person before she RSVP'd no and smoothed this over. Then maybe OP wouldn't be so upset. Good grief, people. This lady's daughter is getting married and one of her closest friends is being rude and inconsiderate.

I'm sure she didn't RSVP because she couldn't bring herself to mark no - but also knew there was no realistic way to mark yes. Yes of course it would have been better to respond, but haven't you ever been in that position?

No! I'm honest with my friends, and there is no WAY I would mess around and be flaky about something as important as a child's wedding. I cannot believe this woman did this to OP. A child's wedding is a huge deal. It's emotional. It's bitter sweet. A mom needs support and needs to feel like her friends are there for her. I would be very disappointed that my close friend chose to go to another wedding. I would be infuriated if she handled it as poorly as this.

op had her three other 'deer' friends. Sue probably knew op would react this way and wanted to avoid that. Of course she should have said no right away but, as you can see op badgered her relentlessly until she felt that she had to say no even when she couldn't go! I would say if the dd had died than the op needed moral support but, not a marriage!

meant dear, of course!

The OP checked on the RSVP, said she was disappointed in the decision (which she has every right to be based on the description of the friendship), and then responded to one more text from the friend. How is that badgering?

DP. Perhaps you should have read the entire post instead of skimming.

[Anonymous]

People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

DP. Also, for all we know the groom in the other wedding is the friend's husband's best friend of something. OP only told us how her friend knew one of the people getting married, but must know both since OP said her friend helped introduce the couple.

[Anonymous]

I would be more upset/annoyed with how she handled delivering the news than the actual choice itself.

As soon as she realized the conflict, she should have called or even better gone out for coffee or something and explained the dilemma and her reasoning. She should have acknowledged how important it was to you and how sorry she is to miss it.

How has she handled past conflicts? Does she have a history of avoiding conflicts? Bailing on invitations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were both in the wrong but your behavior was considerably worse than hers. Her mistake was not sending her RSVP in a timely manner. That's it.

She was clearly very torn about what to do and didn't want to disappoint you. I cannot believe you continually badgered and guilted her and even made comments about how her decision was proof of how meaningful the friendship is or isn't to her.

You owe her a big apology. The sooner the better. You put her in a terribly awkward position and all of her back-and-forth was a result of that.

Plus not sticking with her initial answer.

Op, your friends are not your DD's friends and don't need to be at her wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be more upset/annoyed with how she handled delivering the news than the actual choice itself.

As soon as she realized the conflict, she should have called or even better gone out for coffee or something and explained the dilemma and her reasoning. She should have acknowledged how important it was to you and how sorry she is to miss it.

How has she handled past conflicts? Does she have a history of avoiding conflicts? Bailing on invitations?

Given what we've seen of OP, do you really think OP would have handled that gracefully?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be more upset/annoyed with how she handled delivering the news than the actual choice itself.

As soon as she realized the conflict, she should have called or even better gone out for coffee or something and explained the dilemma and her reasoning. She should have acknowledged how important it was to you and how sorry she is to miss it.

How has she handled past conflicts? Does she have a history of avoiding conflicts? Bailing on invitations?

Clearly op is not the sort to handle this news well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

I agree. It's one day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People make too much of weddings. She had a conflict. You think she should have picked her friend's daughter's wedding instead of her friend's wedding. She and her husband disagreed. She tried to split the baby, and that's wasn't good enough for you, so knowing you'd be mad either way, she returned to plan A. And for that you think she's not a good friend? She really can't be in two places at once. It isn't her fault two brides picked the same day. Let it go.

lol! There are lot of people on this thread who do not get the nuances of adult social relationships and act like this is a 2nd grade birthday party situation. These women have a 20+ year friendship. A cherished child is getting married. The moms are practically sisters. In simple terms (because apparently it has to be explained?) the lifelong close friendship trumps the work friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I will definitely connect with her again after the wedding, and I'm sure - with all this feedback in mind - I will be open to the conversation. Clearly I let my DD's wedding get in my head to the point where I was being unreasonable.

Thanks all!

“Open to conversation” means you still don’t get it. “I’ll call her right away to apologize” is the correct answer.

100%.

Yes, your friend should have had the balls to RSVP and stick with it.

But you owe her an apology for your badgering and attempts to guilt her.
I would write her a note of apology before the wedding. I don’t think you should call to apologize unless you are confident you can refrain from badgering her/blaming her again. Just a sincere apology for the way you handled yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be more upset/annoyed with how she handled delivering the news than the actual choice itself.

As soon as she realized the conflict, she should have called or even better gone out for coffee or something and explained the dilemma and her reasoning. She should have acknowledged how important it was to you and how sorry she is to miss it.

How has she handled past conflicts? Does she have a history of avoiding conflicts? Bailing on invitations?

Yeesssss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can kiss that friendship good bye. This won’t be easy to come back from.

For both of them. OP clearly feels wronged (it feels to me like she is overreacting) and Friend feels badgered.