17 Year Old Custody Schedule

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: First question: If son refuses to go, can dad refuse to pay child support. If so and support is substantial, tell son this. "Look, I understand your position, but if you don't go dad can stop support and I can't pay the rent without it."

Second, have son contact the pro se clerk at the family court or whatever court has jurisdiction. Have him explain the problem and ask clerk's advice as to whether an adjustment is possible. If son does file something, court is unlikely to hold mom in contempt.

Child support is not in exchange for visitation -- even though you post that on every single thread. It's just not. It's for supporting YOUR OWN CHILD. It's not a pay-to-see-child fee. You owe child support even if the courts deny all visitation. Because he's still your kid and your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

OP here: yes, my ex is very controlling, so I think that's part of it. One of the (many) reasons we got divorced.

But I still want my DS to have a relationship with his dad. I'm not trying to come between them. I've done everything possible to facilitate and enable our custody schedule for 16 years year now. But I'm sympathetic to my DS's feelings and desires for all of the reasons you mention.

Its not controlling to insist on your 4 days of month of court ordered visitation. He isn't even much of a parent with 4 days a month and you are taking that away.

You have two options - terminate visits or tell your child you will continue till 18. You can work with Dad on changing a weekend or two if something is important but you are clearly not making the relationship with Dad a priority, especially if he only gets 4 days a month.

The dad is not making his relationship with his son a priority by refusing to compromise on the current visitation schedule. The mom is not taking anything away. A 17 year old is old enough to decide whether or not to spend weekends at his dad's house. Quit punishing the kid for having divorced parents.

They're trying to punish the mom. The kid is their weapon of choice.

No one is punishing the mom. Child is court ordered to have two visits a month. Dad is making it a priority by enforcing the visits. If Dad refused the visits he'd be vilified to. No matter what Dad does he is wrong and the bad one. A 17 year old legally is still a child. If a child doesn't do what is asked, as a parent you have consequences. So, if this kid wants to stay out all night, mom will say yes? All weekend to party with friends, mom will say yes. Of course not.

If mom does not bring the child to the visits as ordered/scheduled, she is refusing to cooperate and taking away the visits. This is equally on Mom and Dad. Mom can offer an alternative schedule and see if it works for Dad as another option.

No he's not. Has he offered to come pick up his son? No. He won't even talk to his son about it. Dad's picking on mom to try to make her deal with an issue that he should deal with himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1.25 hours is not that far. Does he have access to a car so he can see his friends at dad's house? I would just explain that the schedule is court ordered. If he doesn't go to his dad's house, you could be sent to jail. His dad may need to come pick him up if getting him there becomes a problem. Figure out how to make it not your problem. The reality is that it is a very short time until he is off to college (or whatever). You just have to make it less than a year.

This. I have a 17 yr old DS and I bet he would have no idea that I could get into trouble for not making this happen. I'd encourage dad to buy him a car in exchange for the visits. That would make my son do it even if he didn't want to.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP should go the dirty route and tell her DS, "I"m with you, but unfortunately your d/ck dad isn't on board so you have to go whether you like it or not. Now you understand why we are divorced."

But she won't. She'll continue taking the high road, despite the people complaining that SHE is somehow undermining the father's relationship, when it's the DS himself who no longer wants to go. You're a good mom, OP.

I would never post on DCUM seeking validation or advice about visitation or custody or child support -- there is an unhealthy anti-single mom group here that dominates every thread on the subject. They're terrible and have no idea what there relationships are actually like. Good luck, OP. You're almost at the finish line.

I'm the poster right above this post. This is such an immature way to handle this. Not to mention it's creating your son to have bitter resentment feelings towards his father. Don't do this, OP.

You never ever say that to your child. Dad isn't being a d/ck by wanting to see his child 4 days a month.

More reading comprehension issues. I'm the PP that posted the "suggestion." I thought it was obvious that it was tongue-in-cheek -- I even said OP wouldn't do it and would continue taking the high road and called her a good mom for that reason.

Of course no good mom will ever say a thing like that, because she cares about her kid -- even though it's the truth that these "fathers' rights" posters want to pretend doesn't exist. It's like, if we aren't allowed to say it out loud then it can't be real. It's real. Your relationship with your kids is not "mommy's fault." Grow up.

Dad has twice a month visitation. He is asking for his twice a month visitation. Mom and child are trying to reduce the schedule to no or one time a month. So, the relationship is mom's fault if she is telling the child its ok to miss visits. You cannot complain Dad is not involved when you don't even allow him his minimum visitation. He is effectively not a parent, so yes it is 100% on mom as she has him full time 24/7 except two weekends a month. Dad cannot parent two weekends a month and those are just visits.

I can't tell if you are serious or if you just like to argue. The mom is not trying to take his visitation away. The son doesn't want to spend 2 weekends there. A visitation schedule for a teenager is different than that of a preschooler. Kids grow up and their needs change. No one is saying the dad can't see his kid. The kid is saying he doesn't want to spend two full weekends with him because he has other things going on in his life. This is not unreasonable. What's unreasonable is a father refusing to be flexible. It's no wonder the kid doesn't want to be there two weekends a month.

OP here again.

The biggest problem is the distance to his dad's house. If his dad lived in our town, and DS could easily get to whatever his friends were doing on weekends, or get to school/extracurricular events, this wouldn't be nearly as big of an issue. I don't really think DS would care where he slept at night as long as he could go do all of his stuff easily.

I know some people have said an hour and 15 minute drive isn't that far, but it is when you don't have your own car., and you're a busy teenager. DS is a busy kid - sports, AP classes, friends, part time job, etc. It's the distance from all of this stuff that makes this so hard. DS adamantly says, over and over again, "I don't want to be away from my entire life two full weekends a month anymore." I sympathize with that. I also sympathize with his dad wanting to see DS, although I think it's unreasonably stubborn of him to not even listen to what DS's concerns are or consider alternatives, especially when we only have 9 more months of this.

I know some people suggested that I just give DS my car for the weekend, but I work weird hours that include weekend work, so I need my car on weekends. And dad refuses to let him drive his car at all.

Yes, I have read everyone's suggestions that I can punish DS and withhold electronics/ground him and enforce consequences like that if he won't abide by the schedule. But then I'm just driving a wedge between me and DS and making him resent me as well. I guess I'll have to suck it up and deal with that resentment for the next year.

First, I think that only be one poster's suggestion, they've just posted it a million times.

Second, there is NO WAY I would punish my kid for refusing visitation when the child's own parent/the other parent won't talk to him about it. Your ex wants you to do the dirty work here. I doubt it will be the last time.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Honestly, the way the docket is in many jurisdictions, I wonder if you'd even get a court date before graduation.

Dad gets 4 days a month. You reducing it to that is not fair to Dad.

My dad only wanted every other weekend. Why do you assume that mom is limiting dad's time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad gets 4 days a month. You reducing it to that is not fair to Dad.

And it's not fair to the kid that they have to deal with divorced parents so what's your point?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:By this age, your 17 yr old's wishes would be taken into consideration by a judge. Suggest to DS that he invite his dad to come to HIM, and hang out for an afternoon through dinner. Maybe they could do that once a month and DS could go there one weekend a month.

OP here: that is what I proposed, but dad said absolutely not, no way. He wants his full two weekends a month at his house, end of story.

I just really can't afford to go to court to fight this out, even if a judge would listen. I'm really scared of being held in contempt of court.

Honestly, the way the docket is in many jurisdictions, I wonder if you'd even get a court date before graduation.

Dad gets 4 days a month. You reducing it to that is not fair to Dad.

My dad only wanted every other weekend. Why do you assume that mom is limiting dad's time?

Because that's his fetish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: First question: If son refuses to go, can dad refuse to pay child support. If so and support is substantial, tell son this. "Look, I understand your position, but if you don't go dad can stop support and I can't pay the rent without it."

Second, have son contact the pro se clerk at the family court or whatever court has jurisdiction. Have him explain the problem and ask clerk's advice as to whether an adjustment is possible. If son does file something, court is unlikely to hold mom in contempt.

OP here: can a minor child really file something on his own in a custody case between two adults? He isn't one of the parties. I'm not legal-savvy so I don't understand how this would work.

No, he can't. He's a minor. At best, he could file to become emancipated at which point he'd be able to be seen legally as an adult, but the process for that would probably take until he's 18 so it's a waste of time. You can file pro-se, which means without a lawyer, and then just keep in mind anything you file with court must be served on the other side (your ex's lawyer). You could file a modification to the visitation schedule based on the fact that the 17 yr old minor child is asking for that. You'd be more likely to win if you hired a lawyer to do this for your son though. I know money is tight but ... this is life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: First question: If son refuses to go, can dad refuse to pay child support. If so and support is substantial, tell son this. "Look, I understand your position, but if you don't go dad can stop support and I can't pay the rent without it."

Second, have son contact the pro se clerk at the family court or whatever court has jurisdiction. Have him explain the problem and ask clerk's advice as to whether an adjustment is possible. If son does file something, court is unlikely to hold mom in contempt.

OP here: can a minor child really file something on his own in a custody case between two adults? He isn't one of the parties. I'm not legal-savvy so I don't understand how this would work.

No, he can't. He's a minor. At best, he could file to become emancipated at which point he'd be able to be seen legally as an adult, but the process for that would probably take until he's 18 so it's a waste of time. You can file pro-se, which means without a lawyer, and then just keep in mind anything you file with court must be served on the other side (your ex's lawyer). You could file a modification to the visitation schedule based on the fact that the 17 yr old minor child is asking for that. You'd be more likely to win if you hired a lawyer to do this for your son though. I know money is tight but ... this is life.

I've heard about this, in some states a child as young as 14 can file for partial emancipation witch would nullify any custody orders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: First question: If son refuses to go, can dad refuse to pay child support. If so and support is substantial, tell son this. "Look, I understand your position, but if you don't go dad can stop support and I can't pay the rent without it."

Second, have son contact the pro se clerk at the family court or whatever court has jurisdiction. Have him explain the problem and ask clerk's advice as to whether an adjustment is possible. If son does file something, court is unlikely to hold mom in contempt.

OP here: can a minor child really file something on his own in a custody case between two adults? He isn't one of the parties. I'm not legal-savvy so I don't understand how this would work.

No, he can't. He's a minor. At best, he could file to become emancipated at which point he'd be able to be seen legally as an adult, but the process for that would probably take until he's 18 so it's a waste of time. You can file pro-se, which means without a lawyer, and then just keep in mind anything you file with court must be served on the other side (your ex's lawyer). You could file a modification to the visitation schedule based on the fact that the 17 yr old minor child is asking for that. You'd be more likely to win if you hired a lawyer to do this for your son though. I know money is tight but ... this is life.

I've heard about this, in some states a child as young as 14 can file for partial emancipation witch would nullify any custody orders.

Sure, that happens if one parent murders the other and the living parent wants to retain parental rights from jail, like finding out about school records etc. Otherwise -- yeah, no way.

[Anonymous]

Please Do not listen to the people on here who are suggesting you should somehow punish your son if he refuses to go to his fathers house. Growing up with this oppressive custody agreement imposed upon him for the last 16 years is punishment enough.

OP, you should rent a car twice a month (or use Ubers) and then let your son use your vehicle. Make this a financial priority. It’s not that big of an expense. I’m sure you can cut some thing out to make this happen. Tell your son the gasoline is on him so if he drives back-and-forth from his fathers house during this weekend to see friends or go to parties or whatever that’s on him.

You definitely should look into emancipation for him. If his father is already committed to not paying for college then who cares? Maybe it will help him with scholarships in qualifying for need-based grants.

Has your ex never been a teenage boy? Or did he have an awful teenage experience where he had no social life or friends? How is it possible he can’t relate to his own son who has a busy, full teenage life that doesn’t include his parents. This is the time of life when children naturally start pulling away from their parents because that’s what you do in life in order to launch and establish a life beyond your parents. It’s pretty maddening and sad. This so-called father who for some reason wants to be a stickler doesn’t realize that he’s doing any long-term relationship.

[Anonymous]

Op, please tell us the state so that we might be able to provide actual advice based on your state’s laws

[Anonymous]

BIL & SIL went through this in VA.

SIL & new husband live in NOVA area. Her ex-husband moved to Richmond for work. Their custody agreement was EOW with the dad.

A judge changed the custody agreement when my nephew was almost 17 from EOW to 1 weekend a month with dad plus dad got all major holidays and 8 consecutive weeks in summer.

My nephew still hated the 1 weekend a month part but once spoke with a judge and the judge told him if he didn't comply, his mom was in contempt of the agreement and she'd get in trouble, he changed his tune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL & SIL went through this in VA.

SIL & new husband live in NOVA area. Her ex-husband moved to Richmond for work. Their custody agreement was EOW with the dad.

A judge changed the custody agreement when my nephew was almost 17 from EOW to 1 weekend a month with dad plus dad got all major holidays and 8 consecutive weeks in summer.

My nephew still hated the 1 weekend a month part but once spoke with a judge and the judge told him if he didn't comply, his mom was in contempt of the agreement and she'd get in trouble, he changed his tune.

yet another case of a judge being out of line

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP here: I also want to add that I have assured my ex that I would NOT seek any additional child support if the schedule changed and DS spent more time with me, so finances can't be playing any role in my ex's decision/thoughts. (It really wouldn't be that much extra time anyway, so any hypothetical impact on child support would be negligible, nor would I ever want to have that fight for just 9 more months of CS).

I'm only raising this because sometimes people say that parents want more time with the kid to get more money, or parents don't want to lose time because then they'll have to pay more money, etc.

Maybe he wants a relationship with his child? He only gets 4 days a month. Have you stopped to consider what that must be like as a parent? Now, you are changing it to two days a month.

If he wants a relationship with his child he needs to be willing to compromise. A senior in high school has a life outside of his parents. The father should be respectful of this. Forcing a kid to spend 2 weekends a month at a place he doesn't want to be is going to drive a wedge between them. This sounds like it's about control, not about having a healthy relationship with his son. My parents were divorced and I spent every weekend with my dad. Once I started driving I did not go there every weekend. I was involved with sports and my friends. I wasn't hanging out at home every weekend with either parent. Instead of acting like a control freak or a child, my dad adjusted his expectations and found other ways to spend time with me. He was always at my sporting events and we'd other go out to dinner after games or practice. Your ex is being unreasonable and he's going to ruin his relationship with his son. I would let him take it to court. Your son turns 18 in less than a year. Let your son plead his case in front of the judge.

OP here: yes, my ex is very controlling, so I think that's part of it. One of the (many) reasons we got divorced.

But I still want my DS to have a relationship with his dad. I'm not trying to come between them. I've done everything possible to facilitate and enable our custody schedule for 16 years year now. But I'm sympathetic to my DS's feelings and desires for all of the reasons you mention.

Its not controlling to insist on your 4 days of month of court ordered visitation. He isn't even much of a parent with 4 days a month and you are taking that away.

You have two options - terminate visits or tell your child you will continue till 18. You can work with Dad on changing a weekend or two if something is important but you are clearly not making the relationship with Dad a priority, especially if he only gets 4 days a month.

The dad is not making his relationship with his son a priority by refusing to compromise on the current visitation schedule. The mom is not taking anything away. A 17 year old is old enough to decide whether or not to spend weekends at his dad's house. Quit punishing the kid for having divorced parents.

They're trying to punish the mom. The kid is their weapon of choice.

No one is punishing the mom. Child is court ordered to have two visits a month. Dad is making it a priority by enforcing the visits. If Dad refused the visits he'd be vilified to. No matter what Dad does he is wrong and the bad one. A 17 year old legally is still a child. If a child doesn't do what is asked, as a parent you have consequences. So, if this kid wants to stay out all night, mom will say yes? All weekend to party with friends, mom will say yes. Of course not.

If mom does not bring the child to the visits as ordered/scheduled, she is refusing to cooperate and taking away the visits. This is equally on Mom and Dad. Mom can offer an alternative schedule and see if it works for Dad as another option.

No he's not. Has he offered to come pick up his son? No. He won't even talk to his son about it. Dad's picking on mom to try to make her deal with an issue that he should deal with himself.

Visitation shouldn't be optional.