17 Year Old Custody Schedule

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op can you flip the driving? Dad picks him up, you bring him back. It's still 50/50.

Although that would require cooperation from him.

Posted too soon. That puts the onus on dad to get ds there for visits. Dad can fight it out with ds.

OP here: Even if my ex agreed to that, that doesn't solve the problem of what happens and what I'm realistically supposed to do, or how/whether I should be punishing my DS, if DS refuses to get into his car.

No you shouldn't, this is his decision to make and he should not be punished for making it.

OP here: Well half the people in this thread are telling me I would be in contempt of court for letting DS refuse to comply with our court order and that I should be doing whatever I can to enforce it, even if it means giving consequences to my DS.

Pretty sure that's one person posting over and over, on this and every other thread concerning child support or visitation.

in this case it isn't but that does seem to be a problem here, you never can tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can you flip the driving? Dad picks him up, you bring him back. It's still 50/50.

Although that would require cooperation from him.

Posted too soon. That puts the onus on dad to get ds there for visits. Dad can fight it out with ds.

OP here: Even if my ex agreed to that, that doesn't solve the problem of what happens and what I'm realistically supposed to do, or how/whether I should be punishing my DS, if DS refuses to get into his car.

No you shouldn't, this is his decision to make and he should not be punished for making it.

OP here: Well half the people in this thread are telling me I would be in contempt of court for letting DS refuse to comply with our court order and that I should be doing whatever I can to enforce it, even if it means giving consequences to my DS.

There are pro bono legal help lines for issues like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can you flip the driving? Dad picks him up, you bring him back. It's still 50/50.

Although that would require cooperation from him.

Posted too soon. That puts the onus on dad to get ds there for visits. Dad can fight it out with ds.

OP here: Even if my ex agreed to that, that doesn't solve the problem of what happens and what I'm realistically supposed to do, or how/whether I should be punishing my DS, if DS refuses to get into his car.

Honestly OP, I don't see anything you can do. I mean you could punish him, I guess. Ground him for the weekend if he refuses to go?

What does your ds say about you being charged with contempt of court? I think that would take more than one complaint. There isn't that many weekends left.

Good luck with it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP should go the dirty route and tell her DS, "I"m with you, but unfortunately your d/ck dad isn't on board so you have to go whether you like it or not. Now you understand why we are divorced."

But she won't. She'll continue taking the high road, despite the people complaining that SHE is somehow undermining the father's relationship, when it's the DS himself who no longer wants to go. You're a good mom, OP.

I would never post on DCUM seeking validation or advice about visitation or custody or child support -- there is an unhealthy anti-single mom group here that dominates every thread on the subject. They're terrible and have no idea what there relationships are actually like. Good luck, OP. You're almost at the finish line.

I'm the poster right above this post. This is such an immature way to handle this. Not to mention it's creating your son to have bitter resentment feelings towards his father. Don't do this, OP.

You never ever say that to your child. Dad isn't being a d/ck by wanting to see his child 4 days a month.

More reading comprehension issues. I'm the PP that posted the "suggestion." I thought it was obvious that it was tongue-in-cheek -- I even said OP wouldn't do it and would continue taking the high road and called her a good mom for that reason.

Of course no good mom will ever say a thing like that, because she cares about her kid -- even though it's the truth that these "fathers' rights" posters want to pretend doesn't exist. It's like, if we aren't allowed to say it out loud then it can't be real. It's real. Your relationship with your kids is not "mommy's fault." Grow up.

Dad has twice a month visitation. He is asking for his twice a month visitation. Mom and child are trying to reduce the schedule to no or one time a month. So, the relationship is mom's fault if she is telling the child its ok to miss visits. You cannot complain Dad is not involved when you don't even allow him his minimum visitation. He is effectively not a parent, so yes it is 100% on mom as she has him full time 24/7 except two weekends a month. Dad cannot parent two weekends a month and those are just visits.

I can't tell if you are serious or if you just like to argue. The mom is not trying to take his visitation away. The son doesn't want to spend 2 weekends there. A visitation schedule for a teenager is different than that of a preschooler. Kids grow up and their needs change. No one is saying the dad can't see his kid. The kid is saying he doesn't want to spend two full weekends with him because he has other things going on in his life. This is not unreasonable. What's unreasonable is a father refusing to be flexible. It's no wonder the kid doesn't want to be there two weekends a month.

OP here again.

The biggest problem is the distance to his dad's house. If his dad lived in our town, and DS could easily get to whatever his friends were doing on weekends, or get to school/extracurricular events, this wouldn't be nearly as big of an issue. I don't really think DS would care where he slept at night as long as he could go do all of his stuff easily.

I know some people have said an hour and 15 minute drive isn't that far, but it is when you don't have your own car., and you're a busy teenager. DS is a busy kid - sports, AP classes, friends, part time job, etc. It's the distance from all of this stuff that makes this so hard. DS adamantly says, over and over again, "I don't want to be away from my entire life two full weekends a month anymore." I sympathize with that. I also sympathize with his dad wanting to see DS, although I think it's unreasonably stubborn of him to not even listen to what DS's concerns are or consider alternatives, especially when we only have 9 more months of this.

I know some people suggested that I just give DS my car for the weekend, but I work weird hours that include weekend work, so I need my car on weekends. And dad refuses to let him drive his car at all.

Yes, I have read everyone's suggestions that I can punish DS and withhold electronics/ground him and enforce consequences like that if he won't abide by the schedule. But then I'm just driving a wedge between me and DS and making him resent me as well. I guess I'll have to suck it up and deal with that resentment for the next year.

If dad has money, can he buy a beater car? Would it be less annoying to your son if it was one day a week? I realize he's probably just being a control freak and not actually trying to problem solve.

OP here: dad will not buy a car or pay for insurance. He thinks DS should save up and buy his own car. I'm trying to help DS do that.

How is he supposed to do that when he can only work every other weekend?

Your ex sounds like a real gem.

OP here: I wouldn't want him to work much more than that anyway, because I want school to come first and I want him to have time to be a kid. Luckily he's had a series of very flexible "work when you can" type of school year jobs that allow him to fit in shifts when it works for him. But yes, I agree.

Is your ex aware of how expensive car insurance is for teen boys?

[Anonymous]

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Every other weekend screws him out of virtually every club, sport, organized activity, group lesson, job. Dad could drive in and be taxi for the day and spend time with his son that way but he wants to control everything. Then dad's going to be the big victim when his 18 year old son wants to have nothing to do with him, and mom is the villain. "She turned him against me."

I really feel for this kid.

OP what are the chances of getting some college tuition ordered if you go back to court?

OP here: I have no idea. Nothing about college was ever mentioned in our divorce/custody papers. Just, support until 18 or high school graduation, whichever is later.

No, once your DS is 18 he's an adult and on custody or visitation agreement applies to him.

when is his birthday?

What? I was responding to the question PP asked about whether or not I could go back to court to get my ex to pay for college expenses. I explained that I had no idea, and that the only thing our court order says is that my ex has to pay child support until age 18 or high school graduation, whichever is later. Our order doesn't say anything about him having to pay for college, and he has been clear that he won't.

I'm aware that visitation doesn't apply after 18. I don't want to say DS's birthday month, because I think I've said too much identifying stuff already, but it's late spring.

Sorry, I meant visitation doesn't apply after 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can you flip the driving? Dad picks him up, you bring him back. It's still 50/50.

Although that would require cooperation from him.

Posted too soon. That puts the onus on dad to get ds there for visits. Dad can fight it out with ds.

OP here: Even if my ex agreed to that, that doesn't solve the problem of what happens and what I'm realistically supposed to do, or how/whether I should be punishing my DS, if DS refuses to get into his car.

No you shouldn't, this is his decision to make and he should not be punished for making it.

OP here: Well half the people in this thread are telling me I would be in contempt of court for letting DS refuse to comply with our court order and that I should be doing whatever I can to enforce it, even if it means giving consequences to my DS.

Yeah... you know what? I doubt it would even get to court. I just suggested grounding, but all that does is make him mad at both you.

Is there any way to get advice from a lawyer, I wonder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can you flip the driving? Dad picks him up, you bring him back. It's still 50/50.

Although that would require cooperation from him.

Posted too soon. That puts the onus on dad to get ds there for visits. Dad can fight it out with ds.

OP here: Even if my ex agreed to that, that doesn't solve the problem of what happens and what I'm realistically supposed to do, or how/whether I should be punishing my DS, if DS refuses to get into his car.

Honestly OP, I don't see anything you can do. I mean you could punish him, I guess. Ground him for the weekend if he refuses to go?

What does your ds say about you being charged with contempt of court? I think that would take more than one complaint. There isn't that many weekends left.

Good luck with it.

OP here: I said this upthread, but he doesn't care if his dad tries to take this to court because he says he wants to "plead his case himself" to a judge. I've explained to him the risks of what could happen, including that a judge could award makeup parenting time, fine me, etc. He isn't thinking about anything but what he wants (but he's 17 so I guess that's to be expected...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP should go the dirty route and tell her DS, "I"m with you, but unfortunately your d/ck dad isn't on board so you have to go whether you like it or not. Now you understand why we are divorced."

But she won't. She'll continue taking the high road, despite the people complaining that SHE is somehow undermining the father's relationship, when it's the DS himself who no longer wants to go. You're a good mom, OP.

I would never post on DCUM seeking validation or advice about visitation or custody or child support -- there is an unhealthy anti-single mom group here that dominates every thread on the subject. They're terrible and have no idea what there relationships are actually like. Good luck, OP. You're almost at the finish line.

I'm the poster right above this post. This is such an immature way to handle this. Not to mention it's creating your son to have bitter resentment feelings towards his father. Don't do this, OP.

You never ever say that to your child. Dad isn't being a d/ck by wanting to see his child 4 days a month.

More reading comprehension issues. I'm the PP that posted the "suggestion." I thought it was obvious that it was tongue-in-cheek -- I even said OP wouldn't do it and would continue taking the high road and called her a good mom for that reason.

Of course no good mom will ever say a thing like that, because she cares about her kid -- even though it's the truth that these "fathers' rights" posters want to pretend doesn't exist. It's like, if we aren't allowed to say it out loud then it can't be real. It's real. Your relationship with your kids is not "mommy's fault." Grow up.

Dad has twice a month visitation. He is asking for his twice a month visitation. Mom and child are trying to reduce the schedule to no or one time a month. So, the relationship is mom's fault if she is telling the child its ok to miss visits. You cannot complain Dad is not involved when you don't even allow him his minimum visitation. He is effectively not a parent, so yes it is 100% on mom as she has him full time 24/7 except two weekends a month. Dad cannot parent two weekends a month and those are just visits.

I can't tell if you are serious or if you just like to argue. The mom is not trying to take his visitation away. The son doesn't want to spend 2 weekends there. A visitation schedule for a teenager is different than that of a preschooler. Kids grow up and their needs change. No one is saying the dad can't see his kid. The kid is saying he doesn't want to spend two full weekends with him because he has other things going on in his life. This is not unreasonable. What's unreasonable is a father refusing to be flexible. It's no wonder the kid doesn't want to be there two weekends a month.

OP here again.

The biggest problem is the distance to his dad's house. If his dad lived in our town, and DS could easily get to whatever his friends were doing on weekends, or get to school/extracurricular events, this wouldn't be nearly as big of an issue. I don't really think DS would care where he slept at night as long as he could go do all of his stuff easily.

I know some people have said an hour and 15 minute drive isn't that far, but it is when you don't have your own car., and you're a busy teenager. DS is a busy kid - sports, AP classes, friends, part time job, etc. It's the distance from all of this stuff that makes this so hard. DS adamantly says, over and over again, "I don't want to be away from my entire life two full weekends a month anymore." I sympathize with that. I also sympathize with his dad wanting to see DS, although I think it's unreasonably stubborn of him to not even listen to what DS's concerns are or consider alternatives, especially when we only have 9 more months of this.

I know some people suggested that I just give DS my car for the weekend, but I work weird hours that include weekend work, so I need my car on weekends. And dad refuses to let him drive his car at all.

Yes, I have read everyone's suggestions that I can punish DS and withhold electronics/ground him and enforce consequences like that if he won't abide by the schedule. But then I'm just driving a wedge between me and DS and making him resent me as well. I guess I'll have to suck it up and deal with that resentment for the next year.

If dad has money, can he buy a beater car? Would it be less annoying to your son if it was one day a week? I realize he's probably just being a control freak and not actually trying to problem solve.

OP here: dad will not buy a car or pay for insurance. He thinks DS should save up and buy his own car. I'm trying to help DS do that.

How is he supposed to do that when he can only work every other weekend?

Your ex sounds like a real gem.

OP here: I wouldn't want him to work much more than that anyway, because I want school to come first and I want him to have time to be a kid. Luckily he's had a series of very flexible "work when you can" type of school year jobs that allow him to fit in shifts when it works for him. But yes, I agree.

Is your ex aware of how expensive car insurance is for teen boys?

OP here: I've told him what it cost to add DS to my insurance to drive my car, so yes, he knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can you flip the driving? Dad picks him up, you bring him back. It's still 50/50.

Although that would require cooperation from him.

Posted too soon. That puts the onus on dad to get ds there for visits. Dad can fight it out with ds.

OP here: Even if my ex agreed to that, that doesn't solve the problem of what happens and what I'm realistically supposed to do, or how/whether I should be punishing my DS, if DS refuses to get into his car.

Honestly OP, I don't see anything you can do. I mean you could punish him, I guess. Ground him for the weekend if he refuses to go?

What does your ds say about you being charged with contempt of court? I think that would take more than one complaint. There isn't that many weekends left.

Good luck with it.

If he is constantly being grounded for not wanting to spent the weekend with his jerk dad, what punishment is left for serious misbehavior?

[Anonymous]

First question: If son refuses to go, can dad refuse to pay child support. If so and support is substantial, tell son this. "Look, I understand your position, but if you don't go dad can stop support and I can't pay the rent without it."

Second, have son contact the pro se clerk at the family court or whatever court has jurisdiction. Have him explain the problem and ask clerk's advice as to whether an adjustment is possible. If son does file something, court is unlikely to hold mom in contempt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can you flip the driving? Dad picks him up, you bring him back. It's still 50/50.

Although that would require cooperation from him.

Posted too soon. That puts the onus on dad to get ds there for visits. Dad can fight it out with ds.

OP here: Even if my ex agreed to that, that doesn't solve the problem of what happens and what I'm realistically supposed to do, or how/whether I should be punishing my DS, if DS refuses to get into his car.

No you shouldn't, this is his decision to make and he should not be punished for making it.

OP here: Well half the people in this thread are telling me I would be in contempt of court for letting DS refuse to comply with our court order and that I should be doing whatever I can to enforce it, even if it means giving consequences to my DS.

Yeah... you know what? I doubt it would even get to court. I just suggested grounding, but all that does is make him mad at both you.

Is there any way to get advice from a lawyer, I wonder?

OP here: Yes, I realize I could contact a lawyer. But the last time I used a lawyer for a dispute between me and my ex, the costs killed me. I was laid off for 6 months in the beginning of the pandemic and I've been digging myself out of a financial hole and trying to pay off debt since. Again, I don't want to get into too many identifying details, but there are various reasons as to why my financial situation has been shit the last several years.

I realize nothing on a public forum is legal advice, but I was hoping for "real world" answers as to what will ACTUALLY happen if my DS refuses to get in the car and go to his dad's, from anyone who's maybe been through this kind of situation before. I definitely don't want to pay legal fines or anything like that. I can't afford to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: First question: If son refuses to go, can dad refuse to pay child support. If so and support is substantial, tell son this. "Look, I understand your position, but if you don't go dad can stop support and I can't pay the rent without it."

Second, have son contact the pro se clerk at the family court or whatever court has jurisdiction. Have him explain the problem and ask clerk's advice as to whether an adjustment is possible. If son does file something, court is unlikely to hold mom in contempt.

OP here: can a minor child really file something on his own in a custody case between two adults? He isn't one of the parties. I'm not legal-savvy so I don't understand how this would work.

[Anonymous]

https://probonomd.org/for-legal-help/

lots of resources like this

good luck

[Anonymous]

Dad should come to him. Come to his practices and games. Take him and his buddies out for lunch afterwards. Offer to host sleepovers with his friends. Have cookouts, fire pits basketball, whatever. Busy teens barely want to spend time with their parents, let alone one that lives far away. Dad needs to understand his kid is older and can’t be forced into visits with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op can you flip the driving? Dad picks him up, you bring him back. It's still 50/50.

Although that would require cooperation from him.

Posted too soon. That puts the onus on dad to get ds there for visits. Dad can fight it out with ds.

OP here: Even if my ex agreed to that, that doesn't solve the problem of what happens and what I'm realistically supposed to do, or how/whether I should be punishing my DS, if DS refuses to get into his car.

No you shouldn't, this is his decision to make and he should not be punished for making it.

OP here: Well half the people in this thread are telling me I would be in contempt of court for letting DS refuse to comply with our court order and that I should be doing whatever I can to enforce it, even if it means giving consequences to my DS.

Yeah... you know what? I doubt it would even get to court. I just suggested grounding, but all that does is make him mad at both you.

Is there any way to get advice from a lawyer, I wonder?

OP here: Yes, I realize I could contact a lawyer. But the last time I used a lawyer for a dispute between me and my ex, the costs killed me. I was laid off for 6 months in the beginning of the pandemic and I've been digging myself out of a financial hole and trying to pay off debt since. Again, I don't want to get into too many identifying details, but there are various reasons as to why my financial situation has been shit the last several years.

I realize nothing on a public forum is legal advice, but I was hoping for "real world" answers as to what will ACTUALLY happen if my DS refuses to get in the car and go to his dad's, from anyone who's maybe been through this kind of situation before. I definitely don't want to pay legal fines or anything like that. I can't afford to.

Your ex sounds vindictive and like he can afford more lawyer than you so I think your impulse to play it safe is right.