Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask your group. It’s hard making friends. I feel bad for your friend. The fact that you’re writing this post comes off as you’re actually cliquey. It’s just a book club geez. Why not be kind?

Apparently, inviting to a book club is compulsory, otherwise, one is unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're in a book club that's not open to new members, you should obey the first rule of book club.

Never talk about book club.

But seriously, I had a friend in London who was in a book club with Natascha McElhone and I would have loved to join but wouldn't have dreamed of asking. Now that was an exclusive group.

OP's group sounds boring. Just mommies from Bethesda. Yawn.

You weren’t invited so they don’t care what you think. You can start your own.

Are you replying to my post? If so you need to check your meds because your response has nothing to do with anything I wrote.
This place is madder than I first thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're in a book club that's not open to new members, you should obey the first rule of book club.

Never talk about book club.

But seriously, I had a friend in London who was in a book club with Natascha McElhone and I would have loved to join but wouldn't have dreamed of asking. Now that was an exclusive group.

OP's group sounds boring. Just mommies from Bethesda. Yawn.

You weren’t invited so they don’t care what you think. You can start your own.

Are you replying to my post? If so you need to check your meds because your response has nothing to do with anything I wrote.
This place is madder than I first thought.

How in the world is the PP supposed to know who you are????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you're in a book club that's not open to new members, you should obey the first rule of book club.

Never talk about book club.

But seriously, I had a friend in London who was in a book club with Natascha McElhone and I would have loved to join but wouldn't have dreamed of asking. Now that was an exclusive group.

OP's group sounds boring. Just mommies from Bethesda. Yawn.

You weren’t invited so they don’t care what you think. You can start your own.

Are you replying to my post? If so you need to check your meds because your response has nothing to do with anything I wrote.
This place is madder than I first thought.

Apparently, you never learned drawing inferences in middle school in English class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would it work to say something like:

We’re actually a support group left over from preschool days, that also reads books. The books are our excuse to get together because we bonded back in the day. If you want to start a more book focused group, I’d be interested. What kind of books are you interested in?

This is perfect advice -- kind, honest about boundaries, and attuned to the new friend's wanting to meet people.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok to ask, it’s ok to say no. It’s not ok to create drama or a backstory about either approach. If you don’t feel comfortable about it tell your neighbor, they’re a grown up too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would it work to say something like:

We’re actually a support group left over from preschool days, that also reads books. The books are our excuse to get together because we bonded back in the day. If you want to start a more book focused group, I’d be interested. What kind of books are you interested in?

This is perfect advice -- kind, honest about boundaries, and attuned to the new friend's wanting to meet people.

+2 NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This thread is eye opening.

How would the friend know it's a closed group? If a friend mentions a book club that she belongs to, I would ask what kind of books they typically read and, if it's something that align with my interest, I could totally see myself asking, I've been looking for a book club like this--could I come? The ask itself is not rude. It's up to the OP to explain the nature of the group, or she could have saved herself the trouble by never mentioning it in the first place.

People mention things in passing. You should not feel like because one mentions a book club that they are obligated to have to have the other person to join.
It is rude to ask if she can attend the next meeting. She should ask if there’s room for a new member rather.

I don't think it's rude to ask. It's also not rude for OP to say, "No, sorry, it's a closed group."

It is very rude to ask to come to the next meeting. It is okay to ask if it’s open to new people.

OP said neighbor "asked to join" isn't that the same thing? That doesn't mean can I come to the next meeting.

^ She asked to join first, before asking again. Sounds like OP never responded after the first ask so why didn't she say it wasn't open the first time?

Because it was an awkward situation and that doesn’t give the go ahead to ask to join next meeting.

Apparently it's not awkward because so many are sure that just saying no is not rude and the only rude thing is asking in the first place. If it's no big deal then OP should have just answered the first time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally I add a "thanks" afterwards. Should be sufficient.

what does this mean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A friend asked to join my book club. The thing is, the women in my book club have known one another for a decade (we all had daughters in the same preschool) and have been meeting for 10 years. It's a pretty specific dynamic.

The friend who asked to join also lives in our town but doesn't know any of these women; she's my neighbor and has been looking for a club to join. She is lovely, and I want to be inclusive. I also feel like it would just change the dynamic of the book club. I'm typing this and feeling weird. I want to say yes! It's also just this certain group from a certain time period of people who know each other really well and have never had a new member for years and years. Maybe those of you in a longtime book club get it.

She just texted me asking if she could come to the next meeting. What do I say?

Say you haven’t heard back from them yet. Then talk to her in person, not via text once you either ask group or not.

[Anonymous]

Stacy - if you didn't want me to be a part of your stupid book club you should have just said so instead of putting up a thread on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

There’s book club and there’s BOOK CLUB. Some are very exclusive. This one sounds a bit awkward as the talk is going to be a bout long standing events. Not a great fit unless they are actively looking for new members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stacy - if you didn't want me to be a part of your stupid book club you should have just said so instead of putting up a thread on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stacy - if you didn't want me to be a part of your stupid book club you should have just said so instead of putting up a thread on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

I don't see how you could unilaterally invite someone to a long standing group.