Offended over hand-me-downs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, people, are you for real? Not everyone wants someone's "gentle hand me downs". They can afford to buy their kids new clothes. Just because you are a penny pincher, doesn't mean they are. Not everyone is into used crap. Get over yourselves, cheapos.

Everyone I know can easily afford new things, but my friends and family pass hand-me-downs around liberally bc why not? Why create more waste. I actually love getting stuff from my SIL specifically bc she has a shopping addiction and always buys super cute expensive things for her kids that barely get worn.

I often offer clothes to friends with kids the right age for them. I am not at all offended if they turn them down, but it truly did not occur to me that they could be offended by the mere offer. I guess I learned something new today

My SIL (who I really like) is very frugal so I found it a little odd that she always had her two girls in matching outfits that seemed expensive. Nothing wrong with spending money that way but just seemed out of character. Then she told me she has a friend with 2 girls a bit older than hers who is obsessed with shopping and always has her girls matching so that's where all the clothes come from.

I am definitely surprised that people find even the offer of passing along clothes so offensive. Say no if you don't like hand-me-downs but it's not passing judgement on you to be offered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I believe in reuse and I shop consignment stores for kids stuff but NOTHING irritates me like someone handing me a huge box of their crap. That’s not a gift, it’s you using me as your declutter mechanism!

+1000

THIS. I did hand me downs once. What a bunch of junk for me to donate with two preschoolers. No thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, people, are you for real? Not everyone wants someone's "gentle hand me downs". They can afford to buy their kids new clothes. Just because you are a penny pincher, doesn't mean they are. Not everyone is into used crap. Get over yourselves, cheapos.

It's not about the clothes. People don't share because they are penny-pinchers -- they do it because they like people. I guess no one has liked you enough to offer you hand-me-downs from their children.

Dumping a hefty bag full of your kids’ 4 year old slobbered on clothes for someone else to figure out where to junk is really about being part of the fabric of humanity? Sure, lady. You are delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to pass on a gently used winter coat or especially cute dress, quite another to push a whole box of random used clothes on someone and expect them to be grateful.

To each their own. I would have loved it, especially if it was curated. From OP's post, it sounded like a curated box of nice items.

Curated? Are you for real. Let me guess, you carefully decant your kid's cheerios into a plastic snack bag before going to the park, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did your niece get to age 4 before you realized her mom isn't into hand me downs? Have you never offered anything ever before? Or do you do it often and she's finally saying "enough!"

I had previously not done it because we have two girls and weren’t sure if our third would be a girl. He is a boy so now we don’t need to keep anything.

So your stuff has been worn by two kids? Those clothes are probably rags now. If you're going to hand down they need to be in pristine condition.

GMAB. Kids get maybe a season of wear out of most things before growing out of them, and with a closet of clothes, most of the items that don’t become favorites are worn a handful of times. Even multiplying that by 2 kids, does not mean “rags” unless these are cheap fast fashion items. We use hand me downs that come from 3 or 4 prior kids and sometimes they even have tags on them still. Get over your snobby self.

I agree. I did not buy high end clothes (Old Navy/Target etc). Most were still great after 2 kids. And who needs perfection to send to camp etc.

People who are anxious about their real or perceived socioeconomic status. In some cases, people who are anxious about their real or perceived home treatment of their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t think of anyone UMC who wouldn’t be offended by gifting their kids used kid clothes. Just no.

You only know new money, then.

No. People who are poor or grew up poor are often worried that they are perceived as being poor, new money is more concerned with appearances. New money would sniff and be offended. Even real money people aren't offended if they are top grade clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know if her family struggled when she was young? My MIL grew up in rural WV and had very little when she was young and she hates that I do thread-up, consignment, and hand-me-downs for my kids. Everyone is different.

Many people that grew up extremely poor want only "new" clothes for their kids.

Or people like new stuff for their families.

It's definitely a class tell.

you didn't finish the sentence. It's definitely a class tell to be offended by the offer of used clothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The takeaway here is not to assume someone wants your hand-me-downs. Ask BEFORE you bring them over instead of putting people on the spot.

So many people have stated this but it really is true. Ask first.

I was on bedrest very early before having twins. I couldn't get out and shop. Coworkers, neighbors, old friends were so generous that I was overwhelmed with things people were dropping off. It can be overwhelming to sort through the stuff and figure out what to do with it especially for a first time mom. I was always appreciative and sent thank you notes. I think it can be overwhelming even for women with a normally progressing pregnancy.

The situation that made me want to be rude was the friend who, after dropping off 3 trash bags of stuff that my mil and I had sorted by size/age with other stuff, informed me months later she wanted the stuff back when I was done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did your niece get to age 4 before you realized her mom isn't into hand me downs? Have you never offered anything ever before? Or do you do it often and she's finally saying "enough!"

I had previously not done it because we have two girls and weren’t sure if our third would be a girl. He is a boy so now we don’t need to keep anything.

So your stuff has been worn by two kids? Those clothes are probably rags now. If you're going to hand down they need to be in pristine condition.

GMAB. Kids get maybe a season of wear out of most things before growing out of them, and with a closet of clothes, most of the items that don’t become favorites are worn a handful of times. Even multiplying that by 2 kids, does not mean “rags” unless these are cheap fast fashion items. We use hand me downs that come from 3 or 4 prior kids and sometimes they even have tags on them still. Get over your snobby self.

I agree. I did not buy high end clothes (Old Navy/Target etc). Most were still great after 2 kids. And who needs perfection to send to camp etc.

People who are anxious about their real or perceived socioeconomic status. In some cases, people who are anxious about their real or perceived home treatment of their kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

This has gotten so nauseating.

There is one dork super invested in repeating the same observation about “new money” over and over again. We get it. You’re a loser pretending to be “old money” and relaying to the rest of us what that means… as it relates to hand me down clothes for infants. Give it a rest. Go back to your doc review.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to pass on a gently used winter coat or especially cute dress, quite another to push a whole box of random used clothes on someone and expect them to be grateful.

To each their own. I would have loved it, especially if it was curated. From OP's post, it sounded like a curated box of nice items.

Curated? Are you for real. Let me guess, you carefully decant your kid's cheerios into a plastic snack bag before going to the park, right?

+1. Now second hand goods are “curated”. Lol, stop speaking like a snob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How did your niece get to age 4 before you realized her mom isn't into hand me downs? Have you never offered anything ever before? Or do you do it often and she's finally saying "enough!"

I had previously not done it because we have two girls and weren’t sure if our third would be a girl. He is a boy so now we don’t need to keep anything.

So your stuff has been worn by two kids? Those clothes are probably rags now. If you're going to hand down they need to be in pristine condition.

GMAB. Kids get maybe a season of wear out of most things before growing out of them, and with a closet of clothes, most of the items that don’t become favorites are worn a handful of times. Even multiplying that by 2 kids, does not mean “rags” unless these are cheap fast fashion items. We use hand me downs that come from 3 or 4 prior kids and sometimes they even have tags on them still. Get over your snobby self.

I agree. I did not buy high end clothes (Old Navy/Target etc). Most were still great after 2 kids. And who needs perfection to send to camp etc.

Or maybe people like new things. New clothes, new household goods and appliances, new electronics—get it? I have a friend who is putting in a new bathroom—hope she doesn’t offer me her toilet, lol.

People who are anxious about their real or perceived socioeconomic status. In some cases, people who are anxious about their real or perceived home treatment of their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has gotten so nauseating.

There is one dork super invested in repeating the same observation about “new money” over and over again. We get it. You’re a loser pretending to be “old money” and relaying to the rest of us what that means… as it relates to hand me down clothes for infants. Give it a rest. Go back to your doc review.

Ha, yes, every thread on DCUM turns into some armchair sociologist trying to talk about "class."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing to pass on a gently used winter coat or especially cute dress, quite another to push a whole box of random used clothes on someone and expect them to be grateful.

To each their own. I would have loved it, especially if it was curated. From OP's post, it sounded like a curated box of nice items.

Curated? Are you for real. Let me guess, you carefully decant your kid's cheerios into a plastic snack bag before going to the park, right?

+1. Now second hand goods are “curated”. Lol, stop speaking like a snob.

I’m not the poster you’re trying to make fun of, but I “curate” hand me downs for friends— someone’s kid is obsessed with dinosaurs another kid only fits in certain leggings because she’s skinny. My sister “curated” her hand me downs to me because she knows I won’t buy a Valentines Day or St. Patrick’s day tee shirt to be worn one time and thrown out, so she gives me my nieces. Stop searching for reasons to be offended, and perhaps start considering the social and environmental impacts of your choices?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The takeaway here is not to assume someone wants your hand-me-downs. Ask BEFORE you bring them over instead of putting people on the spot.

So many people have stated this but it really is true. Ask first.

I was on bedrest very early before having twins. I couldn't get out and shop. Coworkers, neighbors, old friends were so generous that I was overwhelmed with things people were dropping off. It can be overwhelming to sort through the stuff and figure out what to do with it especially for a first time mom. I was always appreciative and sent thank you notes. I think it can be overwhelming even for women with a normally progressing pregnancy.

The situation that made me want to be rude was the friend who, after dropping off 3 trash bags of stuff that my mil and I had sorted by size/age with other stuff, informed me months later she wanted the stuff back when I was done.

OP DID ask. Having them in the car so she could pass them off if SIL wanted them but to take them to goodwill drop-off if not is hardly the same as dumping them on her doorstep.