Parents please believe your child’s teacher

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My experience with trusting teachers and the administration about my child was that it meant DC missed out on two years of appropriate reading instruction. Those two years are also some of the most impactful with regard to reading. Apparently DC was put on a watch list in kindergarten, this was not revealed to us until mid-second grade when we were having our first IEP meeting. The secrecy involved in that and the amount of pushback we received that initial year and in subsequent years destroyed any trust I had in the teachers and administrators. “The gift of time” is most detrimental to the students that are in need of the most help.

Can you elaborate on what this "watchlist" is?

As I understand it, it was a list of the children in kindergarten who were showing signs of disability- but for some reason they never suggested getting my DC tested. They did not test until we requested it in 2nd grade. My DC was eventually tested and has been diagnosed with very severe dyslexia and dysgraphia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thing teachers should be aware of is that many parents have experience with bad teachers (either with respect to their kids or when they were in school themselves) who you know very well exist. You might have the child’s best interests at heart but not every teacher does.

So instead of getting mad when a parent does not immediately defer to your opinion or knowledge, you may want to think about how you can share this info in a way that builds trust. Expecting parents to always assume good faith is unrealistic— not all teachers act in good faith.

I agree. But we have parents who have been told the same thing by multiple teachers and sometimes multiple schools. At some point, it isn’t the teachers or the peers.

Then you should take from that that this child is not being properly supported by their parents, which of course happens. Just as there are bad teachers, there are also bad parents. Such is life. But all the more reason to approach these situations with openness and trust building as the goal. It’s the only way to actually help the kids, which is what we want, right?

I mean that’s fine and all but this particular kid is a bully and is hitting children. But I guess we should just write it off as a bad parent and continue to try to build trust with this person with openness. Meanwhile, we have other parents demanding something be done about the bully etc etc. When some parents don’t listen there is a massive domino effect that can have effects on your own child too.

I have news for you. There is not that much a parent can do at home for behavioral issues at school. The school has to take the lead, including with an IEP or BIP as appropriate. The reason parents don’t listen to teachers is that teachers almost always present information as if they are complaining about kids.

Wrong! But explains so much about how many behavioral issues we have today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Parents, if your child’s teacher suggests that there is an issue with your child’s behavior or academic progress, please know that their only agenda is to help your child thrive and grow. Your child’s teacher has probably worked with hundreds of students at the same developmental phase and knows when something is unusual. I understand that it can be painful and scary to hear, but denial does not help your child. The longer you wait to get them help the more they will struggle. This also applies when the teacher tells you your child is not kind to others. The teacher is definitely working to support their social development in the classroom, but your denial makes it nearly impossible for them to progress (after all, their behavior usually communicates what THEY experience at home usually). Your mean kid is not “a leader of the pack” they’re a bully. And your child on the spectrum is not only “a loner genius”, they’re autistic. And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim. The teacher’s agenda is usually the same as yours-the well-being and growth of your child. But please trust their experience.

If the teacher suspects an issue, doesn't Child Find requirement require them to start the process for further assessment? Why are you moving the burden to the parent when IDEA requires each LEA to have policy and procedures in place to ensure all children who are in need of special education and related services are identified and evaluated?

JFC. The “burden” is yours. YOU HAD THE KIDS.

Schools literally have a legal requirement to identify kids in need of special ed. But sure let’s add another classic dialogue:

- Teacher: Your kid has big problems!
- Parent: I don’t know what to do
- Teacher: (Doesn’t inform parent about the supports and rights created by law specifically to help kids with problems.)
- Parent: I still don’t know what to do
- Teacher: Your kid has big problems but don’t expect me to help, not my job!

Or


- Teacher: Your kid has big problems!
- Parent: What are they?
- Teacher: Jargon
- Parent: Can you provide some examples or context?
- Teacher: No
- Parent: um, ok

This is absolutely ridiculous and an insult to those of us who perform our jobs well. I can’t believe I work as hard as I do to be treated like this. I know it’s fun and popular to pick on teachers, but all you’re doing is insulting those of us who CARE. Teachers who don’t care also aren’t concerned about your anonymous comments.

Well then I apologize. I was only speaking from our experience where we get little information on what is happening and then get determinations cloaked in whatever psuedo-clinical terminology is trendy at the moment. Hopefully you don't do either of those things. The lack of information due to Hippa or whatever makes us unable to comprehend the scope of the problem and the psuedo-clinical terminology often used in describing things minimizes the serious of the situation.

Please for God's sake use nornal language and let us know the individuals involved. We often have cont3xt that is useful on figuring out what the problem is.

We can certainly use normal language and we should be doing that. As for naming other students, I can get in significant trouble for doing so. A coworker of mine was formally reprimanded for using another student’s name during a parent/teacher conference.

Then there is your problem. Demanding blind faith is never going to work. Especially when using coded language.

Here's another problem. Teachers don't even know the questions, answers, or relativity of the computerized tests they use to make the academic assessments.

You are making so many assumptions. I’m very well versed in how to speak with parents and how to interpret testing data. It may come as a surprise to you, but many of us want to partner with parents and do what’s in your child’s best interest. As for “blind faith,” I’m afraid you’ll just have to accept that teachers cannot divulge personal information about other students to you. I also won’t be discussing your child by name to other parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thing teachers should be aware of is that many parents have experience with bad teachers (either with respect to their kids or when they were in school themselves) who you know very well exist. You might have the child’s best interests at heart but not every teacher does.

So instead of getting mad when a parent does not immediately defer to your opinion or knowledge, you may want to think about how you can share this info in a way that builds trust. Expecting parents to always assume good faith is unrealistic— not all teachers act in good faith.

I agree. But we have parents who have been told the same thing by multiple teachers and sometimes multiple schools. At some point, it isn’t the teachers or the peers.

Then you should take from that that this child is not being properly supported by their parents, which of course happens. Just as there are bad teachers, there are also bad parents. Such is life. But all the more reason to approach these situations with openness and trust building as the goal. It’s the only way to actually help the kids, which is what we want, right?

I mean that’s fine and all but this particular kid is a bully and is hitting children. But I guess we should just write it off as a bad parent and continue to try to build trust with this person with openness. Meanwhile, we have other parents demanding something be done about the bully etc etc. When some parents don’t listen there is a massive domino effect that can have effects on your own child too.

I have news for you. There is not that much a parent can do at home for behavioral issues at school. The school has to take the lead, including with an IEP or BIP as appropriate. The reason parents don’t listen to teachers is that teachers almost always present information as if they are complaining about kids.

Wrong! But explains so much about how many behavioral issues we have today.

Oh, please do tell me the magic thing I can do at home to improve behavior at school. There is only one magic thing I have done at home for that, which is hire a lawyer to get an IEP and pay $$ to a therapist to design and implement strategies for the BIP then make sure the school is implementing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child was having issues so we had an evaluator sit in the classroom.

They evaluator had a list of 5 things for the teacher (not the child, not the parent) to change.

You paid a person to tell you your kid was perfect and it was all the teacher at fault? Got it.

No I paid a person to tell me my child was dyslexic.

When she observed the classroom she made suggestions to the teacher (and principal). The design of the desks, the order of the classes, the use of the board vs lecture, etc.

The teacher wasn’t as defensive as you she used all the suggestions to make her classroom a better environment for learning.

But you fo demonstrate his the teacher can be the problem and simple suggestions to improve are net with hostility.

This is hilarious. So many of those things are out if a teacher’s control. You think a teacher gets to unilaterally pick what order to teach classes. It has to be coordinated with specialists and the school. If the entire school teaches math before recess your observer’s recommendation that the teacher teaches reading first is laughable. The design of of the desks? Often times the leadership is dictating how they want desks arranged. If a teacher want to use rows of desks that wouldn’t be allowed at some schools. The teacher probably was relieved when your child left the class at the end of the year.

Teachers have autonomy to put desks the way they want. That’s not from leadership.

No we do not. Our classroom maps must have sign-off from building service and the principal. She also inspects each room prior to pre-service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, glad you're back.

You still haven't responded to criticism of this part of your OP:

And your child on the spectrum is not only “a loner genius”, they’re autistic. And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim.

Do you really not see how statement like this are essentially designed to make parents angry and defensive? You are not qualified to diagnose a child with autism, and if you are speaking like this to parents with autistic children, do you really not understand that they are own their own difficult journey that you simply do not understand? And your phrasing here about kids who get picked on is absolutely unacceptable from a teacher. Absolutely, 100%, not acceptable. Parents with kids who are being picked on and bullied are ALWAYS working with their kids to figure out how to keep themselves from being a target. Do you have kids? Do you not understand how heartbreaking it is to have send your kid to school where another kid is making fun of them or tormenting them? If there was a magic thing you could tell your kid to keep it from happening, you would.

It's just so condescending. If a teacher said this to me about my kid who was being tormented, not only would I not "believe her", I'd ask that my kid be removed from her class. When I child is being consistently picked on in your classroom, the answer is for the adult in the room to intervene, and work with the kids to address these issues. I get that you don't have perfect control, but you have more than I do in that moment, and "sorry kiddo but you've got to stop making yourself a victim here" is NOT going to cut it. Address the problem.

Fortunately I've never had a teacher pull this with me -- we've always had good relationships built on trust and mutual respect. But what you wrote in your OP was not trusting or respectful. I think if you have enough poor relationships with parents to write something like this, the problem might be you.

Well folks I apologize for triggering so many parents with this post. Please know that I would never in a million years be so blunt in an actual conversation with a parent of a struggling student. I DO understand how heartbreaking it is, having been on the receiving end of such information twice. Please know, however, that there are many many parents out there who would rather deny that a problem exists and verbally attack the teacher for bringing it up in the most respectful, compassionate way. That was the audience for this post - parents who will leave their child, the teacher and sometimes the entire affected class hanging because they cannot believe that their child might need extra support. It is completely demoralizing for all involved. So, with those experiences under my belt along with the multiple chastisements posted in this thread from parents who DO want to support their struggling children, I will think twice about having these conversations in the future. You have cut me down to size, put me in my place, and schooled the teacher.

OP,
Thank you for your attempt here. I’m a teacher, but for the moment I’m going to speak from the perspective of a parent. I had a teacher who sat me down and gave me some raw, upsetting information about my own child. No other teacher had done that. I was defensive at first. I wanted to defend my child, her upbringing, and all I had already done to try to prepare her for school. I took the teacher’s comments as a criticism and, initially, I was mad at the teacher for exposing something I didn’t want to accept or deal with. Two years later, I have nothing but appreciation for that teacher. She took the time to really learn about my child and she cared enough to put herself in that uncomfortable position. I can’t imagine she relished having that conversation with me. What she said was a spark and I am now grateful for her insights.

I know you were speaking from experience and you weren’t speaking to ALL parents. I think the reason you got so much heat in response is because (A) we are all very defensive about our own children and (B) this is DCUM and our intentions/tone don’t always translate the way we want them to.

OP here - thank you, fellow teacher and fellow parent. I concur with all you said and how well you said it. My old pony, Trigger, is back in his stall and I will give myself a bit more time between a hard day and posting anything on a public forum. Your balanced assessment of WHY these conversations can be so difficult is spot on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, glad you're back.

You still haven't responded to criticism of this part of your OP:

And your child on the spectrum is not only “a loner genius”, they’re autistic. And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim.

Do you really not see how statement like this are essentially designed to make parents angry and defensive? You are not qualified to diagnose a child with autism, and if you are speaking like this to parents with autistic children, do you really not understand that they are own their own difficult journey that you simply do not understand? And your phrasing here about kids who get picked on is absolutely unacceptable from a teacher. Absolutely, 100%, not acceptable. Parents with kids who are being picked on and bullied are ALWAYS working with their kids to figure out how to keep themselves from being a target. Do you have kids? Do you not understand how heartbreaking it is to have send your kid to school where another kid is making fun of them or tormenting them? If there was a magic thing you could tell your kid to keep it from happening, you would.

It's just so condescending. If a teacher said this to me about my kid who was being tormented, not only would I not "believe her", I'd ask that my kid be removed from her class. When I child is being consistently picked on in your classroom, the answer is for the adult in the room to intervene, and work with the kids to address these issues. I get that you don't have perfect control, but you have more than I do in that moment, and "sorry kiddo but you've got to stop making yourself a victim here" is NOT going to cut it. Address the problem.

Fortunately I've never had a teacher pull this with me -- we've always had good relationships built on trust and mutual respect. But what you wrote in your OP was not trusting or respectful. I think if you have enough poor relationships with parents to write something like this, the problem might be you.

Well folks I apologize for triggering so many parents with this post. Please know that I would never in a million years be so blunt in an actual conversation with a parent of a struggling student. I DO understand how heartbreaking it is, having been on the receiving end of such information twice. Please know, however, that there are many many parents out there who would rather deny that a problem exists and verbally attack the teacher for bringing it up in the most respectful, compassionate way. That was the audience for this post - parents who will leave their child, the teacher and sometimes the entire affected class hanging because they cannot believe that their child might need extra support. It is completely demoralizing for all involved. So, with those experiences under my belt along with the multiple chastisements posted in this thread from parents who DO want to support their struggling children, I will think twice about having these conversations in the future. You have cut me down to size, put me in my place, and schooled the teacher.

OP,
Thank you for your attempt here. I’m a teacher, but for the moment I’m going to speak from the perspective of a parent. I had a teacher who sat me down and gave me some raw, upsetting information about my own child. No other teacher had done that. I was defensive at first. I wanted to defend my child, her upbringing, and all I had already done to try to prepare her for school. I took the teacher’s comments as a criticism and, initially, I was mad at the teacher for exposing something I didn’t want to accept or deal with. Two years later, I have nothing but appreciation for that teacher. She took the time to really learn about my child and she cared enough to put herself in that uncomfortable position. I can’t imagine she relished having that conversation with me. What she said was a spark and I am now grateful for her insights.

I know you were speaking from experience and you weren’t speaking to ALL parents. I think the reason you got so much heat in response is because (A) we are all very defensive about our own children and (B) this is DCUM and our intentions/tone don’t always translate the way we want them to.

OP here - thank you, fellow teacher and fellow parent. I concur with all you said and how well you said it. My old pony, Trigger, is back in his stall and I will give myself a bit more time between a hard day and posting anything on a public forum. Your balanced assessment of WHY these conversations can be so difficult is spot on.

Honestly as a parent I thought your post was fine and I was surprised at all the comments. But I have mainly had positive interactions with teachers around social issues that have come up for my kid. Also, I'm the one who has brought them up.

One question I have though is this: "And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim" - this seems suspect to me. How do you teach this? At home it's so easy to say do x do y when so and so bothers you. I don't think it helps. This is an age old problem and I don't really see how we parents can actually help our victim kids. Seems like only the teacher can devise a solution in the moment. And unless it's super obvious bullying, they usually don't do anything in my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, severe constipation can look like autism to an untrained eye. Lack of vision correction can present itself as a student with learning difficulties. Teacher – stay in your lane.

Signed, another teacher who is also a parent.

Omg. No.
-Signed a Child Psychiatrist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, glad you're back.

You still haven't responded to criticism of this part of your OP:

And your child on the spectrum is not only “a loner genius”, they’re autistic. And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim.

Do you really not see how statement like this are essentially designed to make parents angry and defensive? You are not qualified to diagnose a child with autism, and if you are speaking like this to parents with autistic children, do you really not understand that they are own their own difficult journey that you simply do not understand? And your phrasing here about kids who get picked on is absolutely unacceptable from a teacher. Absolutely, 100%, not acceptable. Parents with kids who are being picked on and bullied are ALWAYS working with their kids to figure out how to keep themselves from being a target. Do you have kids? Do you not understand how heartbreaking it is to have send your kid to school where another kid is making fun of them or tormenting them? If there was a magic thing you could tell your kid to keep it from happening, you would.

It's just so condescending. If a teacher said this to me about my kid who was being tormented, not only would I not "believe her", I'd ask that my kid be removed from her class. When I child is being consistently picked on in your classroom, the answer is for the adult in the room to intervene, and work with the kids to address these issues. I get that you don't have perfect control, but you have more than I do in that moment, and "sorry kiddo but you've got to stop making yourself a victim here" is NOT going to cut it. Address the problem.

Fortunately I've never had a teacher pull this with me -- we've always had good relationships built on trust and mutual respect. But what you wrote in your OP was not trusting or respectful. I think if you have enough poor relationships with parents to write something like this, the problem might be you.

Well folks I apologize for triggering so many parents with this post. Please know that I would never in a million years be so blunt in an actual conversation with a parent of a struggling student. I DO understand how heartbreaking it is, having been on the receiving end of such information twice. Please know, however, that there are many many parents out there who would rather deny that a problem exists and verbally attack the teacher for bringing it up in the most respectful, compassionate way. That was the audience for this post - parents who will leave their child, the teacher and sometimes the entire affected class hanging because they cannot believe that their child might need extra support. It is completely demoralizing for all involved. So, with those experiences under my belt along with the multiple chastisements posted in this thread from parents who DO want to support their struggling children, I will think twice about having these conversations in the future. You have cut me down to size, put me in my place, and schooled the teacher.

OP,
Thank you for your attempt here. I’m a teacher, but for the moment I’m going to speak from the perspective of a parent. I had a teacher who sat me down and gave me some raw, upsetting information about my own child. No other teacher had done that. I was defensive at first. I wanted to defend my child, her upbringing, and all I had already done to try to prepare her for school. I took the teacher’s comments as a criticism and, initially, I was mad at the teacher for exposing something I didn’t want to accept or deal with. Two years later, I have nothing but appreciation for that teacher. She took the time to really learn about my child and she cared enough to put herself in that uncomfortable position. I can’t imagine she relished having that conversation with me. What she said was a spark and I am now grateful for her insights.

I know you were speaking from experience and you weren’t speaking to ALL parents. I think the reason you got so much heat in response is because (A) we are all very defensive about our own children and (B) this is DCUM and our intentions/tone don’t always translate the way we want them to.

OP here - thank you, fellow teacher and fellow parent. I concur with all you said and how well you said it. My old pony, Trigger, is back in his stall and I will give myself a bit more time between a hard day and posting anything on a public forum. Your balanced assessment of WHY these conversations can be so difficult is spot on.

Honestly as a parent I thought your post was fine and I was surprised at all the comments. But I have mainly had positive interactions with teachers around social issues that have come up for my kid. Also, I'm the one who has brought them up.

One question I have though is this: "And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim" - this seems suspect to me. How do you teach this? At home it's so easy to say do x do y when so and so bothers you. I don't think it helps. This is an age old problem and I don't really see how we parents can actually help our victim kids. Seems like only the teacher can devise a solution in the moment. And unless it's super obvious bullying, they usually don't do anything in my experience.

The only way to teach someone to not be a victim in this context is to teach them to stand up for themselves, fight back and have self-respect. I don't see how schools can teach that or how parents can do that without information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, glad you're back.

You still haven't responded to criticism of this part of your OP:

And your child on the spectrum is not only “a loner genius”, they’re autistic. And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim.

Do you really not see how statement like this are essentially designed to make parents angry and defensive? You are not qualified to diagnose a child with autism, and if you are speaking like this to parents with autistic children, do you really not understand that they are own their own difficult journey that you simply do not understand? And your phrasing here about kids who get picked on is absolutely unacceptable from a teacher. Absolutely, 100%, not acceptable. Parents with kids who are being picked on and bullied are ALWAYS working with their kids to figure out how to keep themselves from being a target. Do you have kids? Do you not understand how heartbreaking it is to have send your kid to school where another kid is making fun of them or tormenting them? If there was a magic thing you could tell your kid to keep it from happening, you would.

It's just so condescending. If a teacher said this to me about my kid who was being tormented, not only would I not "believe her", I'd ask that my kid be removed from her class. When I child is being consistently picked on in your classroom, the answer is for the adult in the room to intervene, and work with the kids to address these issues. I get that you don't have perfect control, but you have more than I do in that moment, and "sorry kiddo but you've got to stop making yourself a victim here" is NOT going to cut it. Address the problem.

Fortunately I've never had a teacher pull this with me -- we've always had good relationships built on trust and mutual respect. But what you wrote in your OP was not trusting or respectful. I think if you have enough poor relationships with parents to write something like this, the problem might be you.

Well folks I apologize for triggering so many parents with this post. Please know that I would never in a million years be so blunt in an actual conversation with a parent of a struggling student. I DO understand how heartbreaking it is, having been on the receiving end of such information twice. Please know, however, that there are many many parents out there who would rather deny that a problem exists and verbally attack the teacher for bringing it up in the most respectful, compassionate way. That was the audience for this post - parents who will leave their child, the teacher and sometimes the entire affected class hanging because they cannot believe that their child might need extra support. It is completely demoralizing for all involved. So, with those experiences under my belt along with the multiple chastisements posted in this thread from parents who DO want to support their struggling children, I will think twice about having these conversations in the future. You have cut me down to size, put me in my place, and schooled the teacher.

OP,
Thank you for your attempt here. I’m a teacher, but for the moment I’m going to speak from the perspective of a parent. I had a teacher who sat me down and gave me some raw, upsetting information about my own child. No other teacher had done that. I was defensive at first. I wanted to defend my child, her upbringing, and all I had already done to try to prepare her for school. I took the teacher’s comments as a criticism and, initially, I was mad at the teacher for exposing something I didn’t want to accept or deal with. Two years later, I have nothing but appreciation for that teacher. She took the time to really learn about my child and she cared enough to put herself in that uncomfortable position. I can’t imagine she relished having that conversation with me. What she said was a spark and I am now grateful for her insights.

I know you were speaking from experience and you weren’t speaking to ALL parents. I think the reason you got so much heat in response is because (A) we are all very defensive about our own children and (B) this is DCUM and our intentions/tone don’t always translate the way we want them to.

OP here - thank you, fellow teacher and fellow parent. I concur with all you said and how well you said it. My old pony, Trigger, is back in his stall and I will give myself a bit more time between a hard day and posting anything on a public forum. Your balanced assessment of WHY these conversations can be so difficult is spot on.

Honestly as a parent I thought your post was fine and I was surprised at all the comments. But I have mainly had positive interactions with teachers around social issues that have come up for my kid. Also, I'm the one who has brought them up.

One question I have though is this: "And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim" - this seems suspect to me. How do you teach this? At home it's so easy to say do x do y when so and so bothers you. I don't think it helps. This is an age old problem and I don't really see how we parents can actually help our victim kids. Seems like only the teacher can devise a solution in the moment. And unless it's super obvious bullying, they usually don't do anything in my experience.

The only way to teach someone to not be a victim in this context is to teach them to stand up for themselves, fight back and have self-respect. I don't see how schools can teach that or how parents can do that without information.

You don’t need to teach children 'not to be a victim'. Teach them not to victimize the other children. Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another thing teachers should be aware of is that many parents have experience with bad teachers (either with respect to their kids or when they were in school themselves) who you know very well exist. You might have the child’s best interests at heart but not every teacher does.

So instead of getting mad when a parent does not immediately defer to your opinion or knowledge, you may want to think about how you can share this info in a way that builds trust. Expecting parents to always assume good faith is unrealistic— not all teachers act in good faith.

I agree. But we have parents who have been told the same thing by multiple teachers and sometimes multiple schools. At some point, it isn’t the teachers or the peers.

Then you should take from that that this child is not being properly supported by their parents, which of course happens. Just as there are bad teachers, there are also bad parents. Such is life. But all the more reason to approach these situations with openness and trust building as the goal. It’s the only way to actually help the kids, which is what we want, right?

I mean that’s fine and all but this particular kid is a bully and is hitting children. But I guess we should just write it off as a bad parent and continue to try to build trust with this person with openness. Meanwhile, we have other parents demanding something be done about the bully etc etc. When some parents don’t listen there is a massive domino effect that can have effects on your own child too.

I have news for you. There is not that much a parent can do at home for behavioral issues at school. The school has to take the lead, including with an IEP or BIP as appropriate. The reason parents don’t listen to teachers is that teachers almost always present information as if they are complaining about kids.

I have news for you. Parenting is awesome. You should try it sometime.

Parenting is a verb

Do you always just parrot random meaningless responses? Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, glad you're back.

You still haven't responded to criticism of this part of your OP:

And your child on the spectrum is not only “a loner genius”, they’re autistic. And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim.

Do you really not see how statement like this are essentially designed to make parents angry and defensive? You are not qualified to diagnose a child with autism, and if you are speaking like this to parents with autistic children, do you really not understand that they are own their own difficult journey that you simply do not understand? And your phrasing here about kids who get picked on is absolutely unacceptable from a teacher. Absolutely, 100%, not acceptable. Parents with kids who are being picked on and bullied are ALWAYS working with their kids to figure out how to keep themselves from being a target. Do you have kids? Do you not understand how heartbreaking it is to have send your kid to school where another kid is making fun of them or tormenting them? If there was a magic thing you could tell your kid to keep it from happening, you would.

It's just so condescending. If a teacher said this to me about my kid who was being tormented, not only would I not "believe her", I'd ask that my kid be removed from her class. When I child is being consistently picked on in your classroom, the answer is for the adult in the room to intervene, and work with the kids to address these issues. I get that you don't have perfect control, but you have more than I do in that moment, and "sorry kiddo but you've got to stop making yourself a victim here" is NOT going to cut it. Address the problem.

Fortunately I've never had a teacher pull this with me -- we've always had good relationships built on trust and mutual respect. But what you wrote in your OP was not trusting or respectful. I think if you have enough poor relationships with parents to write something like this, the problem might be you.

Well folks I apologize for triggering so many parents with this post. Please know that I would never in a million years be so blunt in an actual conversation with a parent of a struggling student. I DO understand how heartbreaking it is, having been on the receiving end of such information twice. Please know, however, that there are many many parents out there who would rather deny that a problem exists and verbally attack the teacher for bringing it up in the most respectful, compassionate way. That was the audience for this post - parents who will leave their child, the teacher and sometimes the entire affected class hanging because they cannot believe that their child might need extra support. It is completely demoralizing for all involved. So, with those experiences under my belt along with the multiple chastisements posted in this thread from parents who DO want to support their struggling children, I will think twice about having these conversations in the future. You have cut me down to size, put me in my place, and schooled the teacher.

OP,
Thank you for your attempt here. I’m a teacher, but for the moment I’m going to speak from the perspective of a parent. I had a teacher who sat me down and gave me some raw, upsetting information about my own child. No other teacher had done that. I was defensive at first. I wanted to defend my child, her upbringing, and all I had already done to try to prepare her for school. I took the teacher’s comments as a criticism and, initially, I was mad at the teacher for exposing something I didn’t want to accept or deal with. Two years later, I have nothing but appreciation for that teacher. She took the time to really learn about my child and she cared enough to put herself in that uncomfortable position. I can’t imagine she relished having that conversation with me. What she said was a spark and I am now grateful for her insights.

I know you were speaking from experience and you weren’t speaking to ALL parents. I think the reason you got so much heat in response is because (A) we are all very defensive about our own children and (B) this is DCUM and our intentions/tone don’t always translate the way we want them to.

OP here - thank you, fellow teacher and fellow parent. I concur with all you said and how well you said it. My old pony, Trigger, is back in his stall and I will give myself a bit more time between a hard day and posting anything on a public forum. Your balanced assessment of WHY these conversations can be so difficult is spot on.

Honestly as a parent I thought your post was fine and I was surprised at all the comments. But I have mainly had positive interactions with teachers around social issues that have come up for my kid. Also, I'm the one who has brought them up.

One question I have though is this: "And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim" - this seems suspect to me. How do you teach this? At home it's so easy to say do x do y when so and so bothers you. I don't think it helps. This is an age old problem and I don't really see how we parents can actually help our victim kids. Seems like only the teacher can devise a solution in the moment. And unless it's super obvious bullying, they usually don't do anything in my experience.

The only way to teach someone to not be a victim in this context is to teach them to stand up for themselves, fight back and have self-respect. I don't see how schools can teach that or how parents can do that without information.

You don’t need to teach children 'not to be a victim'. Teach them not to victimize the other children. Jesus.

Actually, it’s both. There are absolutely kids who perceive that they are a target who are not. Those kids have parents who confirm and perpetuate that narrative. Anyway, this problem falls under the umbrella of a social worker, not a teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, glad you're back.

You still haven't responded to criticism of this part of your OP:

And your child on the spectrum is not only “a loner genius”, they’re autistic. And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim.

Do you really not see how statement like this are essentially designed to make parents angry and defensive? You are not qualified to diagnose a child with autism, and if you are speaking like this to parents with autistic children, do you really not understand that they are own their own difficult journey that you simply do not understand? And your phrasing here about kids who get picked on is absolutely unacceptable from a teacher. Absolutely, 100%, not acceptable. Parents with kids who are being picked on and bullied are ALWAYS working with their kids to figure out how to keep themselves from being a target. Do you have kids? Do you not understand how heartbreaking it is to have send your kid to school where another kid is making fun of them or tormenting them? If there was a magic thing you could tell your kid to keep it from happening, you would.

It's just so condescending. If a teacher said this to me about my kid who was being tormented, not only would I not "believe her", I'd ask that my kid be removed from her class. When I child is being consistently picked on in your classroom, the answer is for the adult in the room to intervene, and work with the kids to address these issues. I get that you don't have perfect control, but you have more than I do in that moment, and "sorry kiddo but you've got to stop making yourself a victim here" is NOT going to cut it. Address the problem.

Fortunately I've never had a teacher pull this with me -- we've always had good relationships built on trust and mutual respect. But what you wrote in your OP was not trusting or respectful. I think if you have enough poor relationships with parents to write something like this, the problem might be you.

Well folks I apologize for triggering so many parents with this post. Please know that I would never in a million years be so blunt in an actual conversation with a parent of a struggling student. I DO understand how heartbreaking it is, having been on the receiving end of such information twice. Please know, however, that there are many many parents out there who would rather deny that a problem exists and verbally attack the teacher for bringing it up in the most respectful, compassionate way. That was the audience for this post - parents who will leave their child, the teacher and sometimes the entire affected class hanging because they cannot believe that their child might need extra support. It is completely demoralizing for all involved. So, with those experiences under my belt along with the multiple chastisements posted in this thread from parents who DO want to support their struggling children, I will think twice about having these conversations in the future. You have cut me down to size, put me in my place, and schooled the teacher.

OP,
Thank you for your attempt here. I’m a teacher, but for the moment I’m going to speak from the perspective of a parent. I had a teacher who sat me down and gave me some raw, upsetting information about my own child. No other teacher had done that. I was defensive at first. I wanted to defend my child, her upbringing, and all I had already done to try to prepare her for school. I took the teacher’s comments as a criticism and, initially, I was mad at the teacher for exposing something I didn’t want to accept or deal with. Two years later, I have nothing but appreciation for that teacher. She took the time to really learn about my child and she cared enough to put herself in that uncomfortable position. I can’t imagine she relished having that conversation with me. What she said was a spark and I am now grateful for her insights.

I know you were speaking from experience and you weren’t speaking to ALL parents. I think the reason you got so much heat in response is because (A) we are all very defensive about our own children and (B) this is DCUM and our intentions/tone don’t always translate the way we want them to.

OP here - thank you, fellow teacher and fellow parent. I concur with all you said and how well you said it. My old pony, Trigger, is back in his stall and I will give myself a bit more time between a hard day and posting anything on a public forum. Your balanced assessment of WHY these conversations can be so difficult is spot on.

Honestly as a parent I thought your post was fine and I was surprised at all the comments. But I have mainly had positive interactions with teachers around social issues that have come up for my kid. Also, I'm the one who has brought them up.

One question I have though is this: "And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim" - this seems suspect to me. How do you teach this? At home it's so easy to say do x do y when so and so bothers you. I don't think it helps. This is an age old problem and I don't really see how we parents can actually help our victim kids. Seems like only the teacher can devise a solution in the moment. And unless it's super obvious bullying, they usually don't do anything in my experience.

The only way to teach someone to not be a victim in this context is to teach them to stand up for themselves, fight back and have self-respect. I don't see how schools can teach that or how parents can do that without information.

"Fight back" how? Be specific. Surely you're not suggesting physical fighting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, glad you're back.

You still haven't responded to criticism of this part of your OP:

And your child on the spectrum is not only “a loner genius”, they’re autistic. And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim.

Do you really not see how statement like this are essentially designed to make parents angry and defensive? You are not qualified to diagnose a child with autism, and if you are speaking like this to parents with autistic children, do you really not understand that they are own their own difficult journey that you simply do not understand? And your phrasing here about kids who get picked on is absolutely unacceptable from a teacher. Absolutely, 100%, not acceptable. Parents with kids who are being picked on and bullied are ALWAYS working with their kids to figure out how to keep themselves from being a target. Do you have kids? Do you not understand how heartbreaking it is to have send your kid to school where another kid is making fun of them or tormenting them? If there was a magic thing you could tell your kid to keep it from happening, you would.

It's just so condescending. If a teacher said this to me about my kid who was being tormented, not only would I not "believe her", I'd ask that my kid be removed from her class. When I child is being consistently picked on in your classroom, the answer is for the adult in the room to intervene, and work with the kids to address these issues. I get that you don't have perfect control, but you have more than I do in that moment, and "sorry kiddo but you've got to stop making yourself a victim here" is NOT going to cut it. Address the problem.

Fortunately I've never had a teacher pull this with me -- we've always had good relationships built on trust and mutual respect. But what you wrote in your OP was not trusting or respectful. I think if you have enough poor relationships with parents to write something like this, the problem might be you.

Well folks I apologize for triggering so many parents with this post. Please know that I would never in a million years be so blunt in an actual conversation with a parent of a struggling student. I DO understand how heartbreaking it is, having been on the receiving end of such information twice. Please know, however, that there are many many parents out there who would rather deny that a problem exists and verbally attack the teacher for bringing it up in the most respectful, compassionate way. That was the audience for this post - parents who will leave their child, the teacher and sometimes the entire affected class hanging because they cannot believe that their child might need extra support. It is completely demoralizing for all involved. So, with those experiences under my belt along with the multiple chastisements posted in this thread from parents who DO want to support their struggling children, I will think twice about having these conversations in the future. You have cut me down to size, put me in my place, and schooled the teacher.

OP,
Thank you for your attempt here. I’m a teacher, but for the moment I’m going to speak from the perspective of a parent. I had a teacher who sat me down and gave me some raw, upsetting information about my own child. No other teacher had done that. I was defensive at first. I wanted to defend my child, her upbringing, and all I had already done to try to prepare her for school. I took the teacher’s comments as a criticism and, initially, I was mad at the teacher for exposing something I didn’t want to accept or deal with. Two years later, I have nothing but appreciation for that teacher. She took the time to really learn about my child and she cared enough to put herself in that uncomfortable position. I can’t imagine she relished having that conversation with me. What she said was a spark and I am now grateful for her insights.

I know you were speaking from experience and you weren’t speaking to ALL parents. I think the reason you got so much heat in response is because (A) we are all very defensive about our own children and (B) this is DCUM and our intentions/tone don’t always translate the way we want them to.

OP here - thank you, fellow teacher and fellow parent. I concur with all you said and how well you said it. My old pony, Trigger, is back in his stall and I will give myself a bit more time between a hard day and posting anything on a public forum. Your balanced assessment of WHY these conversations can be so difficult is spot on.

Honestly as a parent I thought your post was fine and I was surprised at all the comments. But I have mainly had positive interactions with teachers around social issues that have come up for my kid. Also, I'm the one who has brought them up.

One question I have though is this: "And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim" - this seems suspect to me. How do you teach this? At home it's so easy to say do x do y when so and so bothers you. I don't think it helps. This is an age old problem and I don't really see how we parents can actually help our victim kids. Seems like only the teacher can devise a solution in the moment. And unless it's super obvious bullying, they usually don't do anything in my experience.

The only way to teach someone to not be a victim in this context is to teach them to stand up for themselves, fight back and have self-respect. I don't see how schools can teach that or how parents can do that without information.

"Fight back" how? Be specific. Surely you're not suggesting physical fighting?

If they are being physically assaulted then yes. It's called self-defense and self-respect. What would you suggest as a response to physical assault? Remember that we are talking about kids that are being bullied. Should they accept it? If not, what should they do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, glad you're back.

You still haven't responded to criticism of this part of your OP:

And your child on the spectrum is not only “a loner genius”, they’re autistic. And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim.

Do you really not see how statement like this are essentially designed to make parents angry and defensive? You are not qualified to diagnose a child with autism, and if you are speaking like this to parents with autistic children, do you really not understand that they are own their own difficult journey that you simply do not understand? And your phrasing here about kids who get picked on is absolutely unacceptable from a teacher. Absolutely, 100%, not acceptable. Parents with kids who are being picked on and bullied are ALWAYS working with their kids to figure out how to keep themselves from being a target. Do you have kids? Do you not understand how heartbreaking it is to have send your kid to school where another kid is making fun of them or tormenting them? If there was a magic thing you could tell your kid to keep it from happening, you would.

It's just so condescending. If a teacher said this to me about my kid who was being tormented, not only would I not "believe her", I'd ask that my kid be removed from her class. When I child is being consistently picked on in your classroom, the answer is for the adult in the room to intervene, and work with the kids to address these issues. I get that you don't have perfect control, but you have more than I do in that moment, and "sorry kiddo but you've got to stop making yourself a victim here" is NOT going to cut it. Address the problem.

Fortunately I've never had a teacher pull this with me -- we've always had good relationships built on trust and mutual respect. But what you wrote in your OP was not trusting or respectful. I think if you have enough poor relationships with parents to write something like this, the problem might be you.

Well folks I apologize for triggering so many parents with this post. Please know that I would never in a million years be so blunt in an actual conversation with a parent of a struggling student. I DO understand how heartbreaking it is, having been on the receiving end of such information twice. Please know, however, that there are many many parents out there who would rather deny that a problem exists and verbally attack the teacher for bringing it up in the most respectful, compassionate way. That was the audience for this post - parents who will leave their child, the teacher and sometimes the entire affected class hanging because they cannot believe that their child might need extra support. It is completely demoralizing for all involved. So, with those experiences under my belt along with the multiple chastisements posted in this thread from parents who DO want to support their struggling children, I will think twice about having these conversations in the future. You have cut me down to size, put me in my place, and schooled the teacher.

OP,
Thank you for your attempt here. I’m a teacher, but for the moment I’m going to speak from the perspective of a parent. I had a teacher who sat me down and gave me some raw, upsetting information about my own child. No other teacher had done that. I was defensive at first. I wanted to defend my child, her upbringing, and all I had already done to try to prepare her for school. I took the teacher’s comments as a criticism and, initially, I was mad at the teacher for exposing something I didn’t want to accept or deal with. Two years later, I have nothing but appreciation for that teacher. She took the time to really learn about my child and she cared enough to put herself in that uncomfortable position. I can’t imagine she relished having that conversation with me. What she said was a spark and I am now grateful for her insights.

I know you were speaking from experience and you weren’t speaking to ALL parents. I think the reason you got so much heat in response is because (A) we are all very defensive about our own children and (B) this is DCUM and our intentions/tone don’t always translate the way we want them to.

OP here - thank you, fellow teacher and fellow parent. I concur with all you said and how well you said it. My old pony, Trigger, is back in his stall and I will give myself a bit more time between a hard day and posting anything on a public forum. Your balanced assessment of WHY these conversations can be so difficult is spot on.

Honestly as a parent I thought your post was fine and I was surprised at all the comments. But I have mainly had positive interactions with teachers around social issues that have come up for my kid. Also, I'm the one who has brought them up.

One question I have though is this: "And your child who is getting picked on is not always “an innocent victim” they usually need to learn how to NOT be a victim" - this seems suspect to me. How do you teach this? At home it's so easy to say do x do y when so and so bothers you. I don't think it helps. This is an age old problem and I don't really see how we parents can actually help our victim kids. Seems like only the teacher can devise a solution in the moment. And unless it's super obvious bullying, they usually don't do anything in my experience.

The only way to teach someone to not be a victim in this context is to teach them to stand up for themselves, fight back and have self-respect. I don't see how schools can teach that or how parents can do that without information.

"Fight back" how? Be specific. Surely you're not suggesting physical fighting?

If they are being physically assaulted then yes. It's called self-defense and self-respect. What would you suggest as a response to physical assault? Remember that we are talking about kids that are being bullied. Should they accept it? If not, what should they do?

Good luck with that. Schools have zero tolerance policies for any kind of physical violence, even if it is self defense. The bullied child who hits back will end up getting detention or be suspended.