Hate having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

People would say there is something wrong here regardless of the parent being a man or a woman.

Doubtful. If a woman said she was on birth control and trapped a man with the baby, they would not blame the man for being forced into parenthood.

This analogy doesn't apply. No one is blaming you for having kids. You are not responsible for what happened to you.
But you are responsible for your parenting NOW. Blame/fault and responsibility are not the same thing. Again, therapy would help you work through this.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you can finally get yourself to therapy it might help if you, in your mind and your discussions with a therapist, re-frame how you think about this: You look on your children as the results of rape. I can't be any more blunt than that. Based on your piecemeal posts here, it truly seems as if you look at your kids and cannot get past the history that they were conceived against your will entirely and are the unwelcome outcomes of, and constant reminders of, marital rape. That may be the one horrible root fact you have not yet fully processed and for which you may need therapy whether you believe that or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

People would say there is something wrong here regardless of the parent being a man or a woman.

Doubtful. If a woman said she was on birth control and trapped a man with the baby, they would not blame the man for being forced into parenthood.

Those posters were being aholes. But you are also missing what a lot of people are saying, for being such a logical person, you are refusing to separate the issues.

It is not your fault you were raped, that is 100% wrong, it shouldn't have happened to you, that is terrible. But how you are proceeding through life as a consequence is a choice YOU are making. I have experienced deep loss and childhood trauma. I am a happy person today. Those events do not, 10 years+ after the fact, have rigid control over my day to day happiness.

You are displaying virtually no emotions at all, for anything at all, other than bitterness and resignation 10+ years after these events. THAT is a choice. We do not get to have complete control over what happens to us in life. Random horrific things happen every single day to many many many people. You are not the only person who has ended up with children they didn't plan on, who had a child from rape. Choosing to be the way you are, that is your fault. It doesn't mean you weren't a victim, but it is your choice, and it means that the person who's hurting you TODAY, is you.

AMEN to the above poster!!! OP, you got put into a cage (I am so sorry!), but you now hold the key and refuse to let yourself out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

People would say there is something wrong here regardless of the parent being a man or a woman.

Doubtful. If a woman said she was on birth control and trapped a man with the baby, they would not blame the man for being forced into parenthood.

Those posters were being aholes. But you are also missing what a lot of people are saying, for being such a logical person, you are refusing to separate the issues.

It is not your fault you were raped, that is 100% wrong, it shouldn't have happened to you, that is terrible. But how you are proceeding through life as a consequence is a choice YOU are making. I have experienced deep loss and childhood trauma. I am a happy person today. Those events do not, 10 years+ after the fact, have rigid control over my day to day happiness.

You are displaying virtually no emotions at all, for anything at all, other than bitterness and resignation 10+ years after these events. THAT is a choice. We do not get to have complete control over what happens to us in life. Random horrific things happen every single day to many many many people. You are not the only person who has ended up with children they didn't plan on, who had a child from rape. Choosing to be the way you are, that is your fault. It doesn't mean you weren't a victim, but it is your choice, and it means that the person who's hurting you TODAY, is you.

AMEN to the above poster!!! OP, you got put into a cage (I am so sorry!), but you now hold the key and refuse to let yourself out!

To be fair, OP just came here a few hours ago to say the quiet part out loud. It's really hard to see you've been boiled alive when it happened slowly and started at birth. It will take a long time to develop awareness of her situation and the tools to change it. It will take a lot of therapy. I don't think OP is refusing to let herself out. I think OP didn't realize there were any options other than suck it up and wait it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you on DCUM? you don’t strike me as someone that’s looking to connect with other parents or get advice about kids and nannies and such. what are you hoping to get out of this post. I think this is a man and a troll. If it’s not please please get help asap. It’s normal to be frustrated with your kids from time to time but what you’re describing is so awful and devastating for these poor kids. You need therapy not DCUM.

I wanted to know if it gets better as kids are adults if someone did not enjoy parenting. I literally said that in the post. I am a woman and this is my real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

Just to be clear: this is not empathy. This is duty. I honor you for doing your duty when it was very hard for you; that must have been/must still be very brave. But it doesn't make you empathetic, and your posts in general are the opposite of empathetic.

I agree with the rest of the posters: you must have experience great trauma, being forced into marriage and children when those weren't things you wanted and attempting to parent your children of course compounds that trauma. The solution to this is to seek therapy to get coping mechanisms to see your kids through to adulthood and to process your own trauma and find joy in life again. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

People would say there is something wrong here regardless of the parent being a man or a woman.

Doubtful. If a woman said she was on birth control and trapped a man with the baby, they would not blame the man for being forced into parenthood.

This analogy doesn't apply. No one is blaming you for having kids. You are not responsible for what happened to you.
But you are responsible for your parenting NOW. Blame/fault and responsibility are not the same thing. Again, therapy would help you work through this.

A man can leave and people let that slide. A woman could never do that without extreme judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

People would say there is something wrong here regardless of the parent being a man or a woman.

Doubtful. If a woman said she was on birth control and trapped a man with the baby, they would not blame the man for being forced into parenthood.

Those posters were being aholes. But you are also missing what a lot of people are saying, for being such a logical person, you are refusing to separate the issues.

It is not your fault you were raped, that is 100% wrong, it shouldn't have happened to you, that is terrible. But how you are proceeding through life as a consequence is a choice YOU are making. I have experienced deep loss and childhood trauma. I am a happy person today. Those events do not, 10 years+ after the fact, have rigid control over my day to day happiness.

You are displaying virtually no emotions at all, for anything at all, other than bitterness and resignation 10+ years after these events. THAT is a choice. We do not get to have complete control over what happens to us in life. Random horrific things happen every single day to many many many people. You are not the only person who has ended up with children they didn't plan on, who had a child from rape. Choosing to be the way you are, that is your fault. It doesn't mean you weren't a victim, but it is your choice, and it means that the person who's hurting you TODAY, is you.

AMEN to the above poster!!! OP, you got put into a cage (I am so sorry!), but you now hold the key and refuse to let yourself out!

To be fair, OP just came here a few hours ago to say the quiet part out loud. It's really hard to see you've been boiled alive when it happened slowly and started at birth. It will take a long time to develop awareness of her situation and the tools to change it. It will take a lot of therapy. I don't think OP is refusing to let herself out. I think OP didn't realize there were any options other than suck it up and wait it out.

PP here. You are right. This is not a flip of the switch by any means. OP, I'm sorry if that came across as harsh. There are some gold nuggets here on this anonymous board and I really really hope you honor yourself, your history (which is 100% not your fault), and start to get yourself help. Best of luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

Do you love your children?

Sometimes. Not worth it.

I'm getting the sense from your responses that you view love as transactional. But most people would say that relationships are transformational . . . the act of loving makes us happier (because creating joy in others creates joy in ourselves -- we are all connected). It's not just about receiving love.

It sounds like the part of you capable of caring for others for their own sake was never developed or hidden away to protect yourself in childhood.

DP.. I figured out what OP's problem is... OP is a narcissist.

How can you only love your kids "sometimes", and think they are not worth that love?

It means you only love them when it's probably easy to love them, and even that moment is not worth having kids.

You don't really love them, which is obviously incredibly sad.

Your problem is that you are a narcissist. It's all about *you*.

You are correct that you should never have had any children. Narcissists really shouldn't. But, it's too late now, and I would suggest you get therapy for your narcissim. I 100% think that your kids will need therapy in the future for having a narcissistic parent.

And I'm a PP who stated that I don't really enjoy all aspects of parenting, and never thought about having kids myself. I firmly believe women can be happy without kids, but OP's issue is that she is a narcissist, not that she doesn't like kids. OP may even be anti-social. I know several women who don't like kids, but love theirs unconditionally, including myself. But, narcissists cannot love anyone but themselves, and even the love they *sometimes* have is conditional, and as a PP noted, transactional.

I don't think OP or her grandmothers were depressed. I think they had a mental condition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

People would say there is something wrong here regardless of the parent being a man or a woman.

Doubtful. If a woman said she was on birth control and trapped a man with the baby, they would not blame the man for being forced into parenthood.

This analogy doesn't apply. No one is blaming you for having kids. You are not responsible for what happened to you.
But you are responsible for your parenting NOW. Blame/fault and responsibility are not the same thing. Again, therapy would help you work through this.

A man can leave and people let that slide. A woman could never do that without extreme judgment.

Ok but even if there is truth to that, that is a broken way. There is a lot of dysfunction in society, in relationships etc... around gender roles. This is an ongoing thing. We don't need to perpetuate it here. Maybe there is a double standard. Frankly yes, I see it all the time. A lot of people are working to shift that on a social level, within their relationships, and for their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

You are incorrect I would be saying the same thing if you were a man. You are correct you are very logical. But even this, where you explain your sacrifices, isn't about empathy, it is about understanding what is right and wrong. That is not empathy, that is logic. Empathy is the ability to FEEL what another person feels, not the ability to look at a child and understand that one parent is better than the other and do the right thing. You barely sound like you feel your own emotions, and as I said earlier, I think you THINK you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you clearly do not. You sound frequently like something trying to masquerade as human, vs how the average person would feel in your situation. Depression frequently mutes emotions and empathy, it is why everyone keeps bringing it up, but if you have always been like this, it might be something different.

But seriously, you should see a doctor, the way you are experiencing the world is not normal.

I know what empathy is. I did my divorce in a nontraditional way because I was thinking about how my kids would FEEL afterward and made decisions based on that. That does not mean I like being a parent. You can be empathetic and put others' feelings first and still hate your own life because it got completely off track and can't be corrected.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your children are a product of rape, I can understand how it's hard for you to love them. But you know that this is not their fault.

You really need to see a therapist to deal with the rape issue and the product of that rape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

Do you love your children?

Sometimes. Not worth it.

I'm getting the sense from your responses that you view love as transactional. But most people would say that relationships are transformational . . . the act of loving makes us happier (because creating joy in others creates joy in ourselves -- we are all connected). It's not just about receiving love.

It sounds like the part of you capable of caring for others for their own sake was never developed or hidden away to protect yourself in childhood.

DP.. I figured out what OP's problem is... OP is a narcissist.

How can you only love your kids "sometimes", and think they are not worth that love?

It means you only love them when it's probably easy to love them, and even that moment is not worth having kids.

You don't really love them, which is obviously incredibly sad.

Your problem is that you are a narcissist. It's all about *you*.

You are correct that you should never have had any children. Narcissists really shouldn't. But, it's too late now, and I would suggest you get therapy for your narcissim. I 100% think that your kids will need therapy in the future for having a narcissistic parent.

And I'm a PP who stated that I don't really enjoy all aspects of parenting, and never thought about having kids myself. I firmly believe women can be happy without kids, but OP's issue is that she is a narcissist, not that she doesn't like kids. OP may even be anti-social. I know several women who don't like kids, but love theirs unconditionally, including myself. But, narcissists cannot love anyone but themselves, and even the love they *sometimes* have is conditional, and as a PP noted, transactional.

I don't think OP or her grandmothers were depressed. I think they had a mental condition.

I am not a narcissist. My dad is. You have no idea.

I don't like kids and have said that. I'm not antisocial and I've been in love. I don't like large groups but I like close relationships. I know far more about narcs than you.

[Anonymous]

OP has posted many, many times. She is completely lacking in insight. Not quite sure what she’s hoping to get from these repeated threads. Just letting everyone know so they can stop wasting their time. OP, just give your kids to their dad already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

You are incorrect I would be saying the same thing if you were a man. You are correct you are very logical. But even this, where you explain your sacrifices, isn't about empathy, it is about understanding what is right and wrong. That is not empathy, that is logic. Empathy is the ability to FEEL what another person feels, not the ability to look at a child and understand that one parent is better than the other and do the right thing. You barely sound like you feel your own emotions, and as I said earlier, I think you THINK you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you clearly do not. You sound frequently like something trying to masquerade as human, vs how the average person would feel in your situation. Depression frequently mutes emotions and empathy, it is why everyone keeps bringing it up, but if you have always been like this, it might be something different.

But seriously, you should see a doctor, the way you are experiencing the world is not normal.

I know what empathy is. I did my divorce in a nontraditional way because I was thinking about how my kids would FEEL afterward and made decisions based on that. That does not mean I like being a parent. You can be empathetic and put others' feelings first and still hate your own life because it got completely off track and can't be corrected.

OP, you need therapy. I think you have gotten everything you can out of this thread. There is some great advice here and amazing points. Probably about 6 months of therapy in and of itself but you need to go and do the work so you can make the connections yourself. No one here is out to get you. You don't need to be so combative.