Hate having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

This in and of itself is a YOU problem. Seeing positive and negative is on the individual. It is YOUR perspective, not theirs.

Your kids are not inherently problematic or negative. You SEE them, or as you say, you "feel" them that way.

I am not trying to say you should enjoy them or enjoy being a parent, and certainly not all the time. That is impossible. But the fact that you cannot see a single positive or enjoy a single moment with them is a red flag that you are a part of your own problem here. I am not trying to blame you, but instead saying that if you took responsibility for your role in it... including your own suffering, you could shift that. As long as it is ALL externalized you give all the power and blame on the kids and you render yourself disempowered and unable to ,make change. This is self-victimization. Again, all stuff you could potentially unpack in talk therapy or some other type of medium.

I do not see how near marital rape is my responsibility that led me down this path. He broke our agreement and manipulated this trajectory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

This in and of itself is a YOU problem. Seeing positive and negative is on the individual. It is YOUR perspective, not theirs.

Your kids are not inherently problematic or negative. You SEE them, or as you say, you "feel" them that way.

I am not trying to say you should enjoy them or enjoy being a parent, and certainly not all the time. That is impossible. But the fact that you cannot see a single positive or enjoy a single moment with them is a red flag that you are a part of your own problem here. I am not trying to blame you, but instead saying that if you took responsibility for your role in it... including your own suffering, you could shift that. As long as it is ALL externalized you give all the power and blame on the kids and you render yourself disempowered and unable to ,make change. This is self-victimization. Again, all stuff you could potentially unpack in talk therapy or some other type of medium.

I do not see how near marital rape is my responsibility that led me down this path. He broke our agreement and manipulated this trajectory.

PP here. I'm so very sorry that happened to you. That is absolutely horrific and it is a type of physical and emotional trauma I am not unfamiliar with myself.
It is 100% NOT YOUR FAULT that that happened, but your current emotional state is your responsibility. PLEASE get therapeutic help. You need it and are depriving yourself by not getting help. Please take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the well being of my kids. I gave up wealth that was mine in a divorce for well being of my kids' futures. I am completely over empathetic. It is the right thing to do. That does not mean I enjoy it. I can't do what I wanted in my life because my life was stolen due to getting trapped with raising kids and prevented me from having to pursue things I wanted to pursue. I'm not depressed. The reality is, I can't go back in time and not get married to an awful person. All I can do is hope I won't feel resentful when they are adults, but I think that is unlikely to be the case. They are super attached to me, which is likely going to be a problem later. They will likely be less independent than me. I don't want grandchildren and i feel like I am going to get stuck with that, too.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I’d encourage you to talk to a therapist just to come up with strategies. Our US system of child rearing doesn’t help. In many other cultures, having multiple households and/or generations living together helps alleviate the stress. Many of my cousins loved basically nannying their nieces and nephews. We are so nuclear-family oriented that there can be drawbacks (obviously varies based on individuals and the family dynamics). Wealthy people have the resources for endless sitters, boarding schools, etc. Thats just a different reality.

Parenting can be a slog sometimes but hopefully you love your children and can hold on to the positives.

What positives? I really feel like there literally are none.

This in and of itself is a YOU problem. Seeing positive and negative is on the individual. It is YOUR perspective, not theirs.

Your kids are not inherently problematic or negative. You SEE them, or as you say, you "feel" them that way.

I am not trying to say you should enjoy them or enjoy being a parent, and certainly not all the time. That is impossible. But the fact that you cannot see a single positive or enjoy a single moment with them is a red flag that you are a part of your own problem here. I am not trying to blame you, but instead saying that if you took responsibility for your role in it... including your own suffering, you could shift that. As long as it is ALL externalized you give all the power and blame on the kids and you render yourself disempowered and unable to ,make change. This is self-victimization. Again, all stuff you could potentially unpack in talk therapy or some other type of medium.

I do not see how near marital rape is my responsibility that led me down this path. He broke our agreement and manipulated this trajectory.

PP here. I'm so very sorry that happened to you. That is absolutely horrific and it is a type of physical and emotional trauma I am not unfamiliar with myself.
It is 100% NOT YOUR FAULT that that happened, but your current emotional state is your responsibility. PLEASE get therapeutic help. You need it and are depriving yourself by not getting help. Please take care of yourself.

To play therapist for a moment - if there was violent trauma between you and your ex-spouse and that trauma was never properly processed, it would absolutely continue to affect you whether you give it permission to or not. Our body remembers and it will not be denied regardless of how hard we work to gloss over, ignore or suppress it. If you are not ready to see a therapist please consider reading this book - "The Body Keeps the Score" by Beseel van den Kolk

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

New poster. OP, please get therapy -- NOT to force yourself to find you don't have, but to help you come up with strategies for raising your kids in a way where they don't grow up feeling they are responsible for your unhappiness. Yes, their existence makes you unhappy but they did not choose to exist and they are at real risk of internalizing your hatred of having them in your life. I say that without judgement, I really do, OP. You can't un-feel what you feel but neither can they just vanish, so to me, this has to be about how you shield them from believing they did something bad or wrong that alienated you.

Not sure I'm phrasing that well, but I'm trying to say: While you absolutely can own your own honest feelings to yourself and your therapist, you do have a responsibility to ensure that your kids do not believe that they, or something they did, are at fault.

Even if you try your hardest to cover up the fact you do not want them in your life, they WILL know, even if it's just a gut feeling they have that you don't like them. They will pick up on it at some point if they haven't already. And it could leave them with permanent issues they will carry into their own relationships in the future. They do exist, they are yours to help raise, and even though you do not want that responsibility or enjoy any aspect of it at all, it's still on your plate. And I'm sorry, because you don't deserve t be so unhappy--but you are the adult here, and the one who can either damage them or power through raising them so they don't feel responsible for something that's about you and not about them.

I actually commend you for pretending for your kids' sakes. Now please get therapy so you can perhaps feel some level of optimism about how you raise them, even if you never can feel any positives or pleasure in that job. It's not a job one can drop entirely, short of leaving the family and cutting off contact and custody, OP, which would guarantee those feelings of "it's my fault" that they don't deserve to have instilled.

Therapy is a waste of time. It will not change my circumstances. I just wanted to know if it gets better when they are adults, but after reading this I really think it won’t be.

So that's really ALL you got out of my post?

Why do you think anything would "change your circumstances"? That ship has sailed. You can't un-make your children. Therapy won't make you love them or magically erase their existence. But it potentially can give you actions to take, ways to cope with each day, strategies to use day to day to deal with your kids and your own emotions, and a way to think about the present so you can look forward to a future and not sit around obsessing over your wasted 20 years to which you refer.

I see zero concern in your posts for the idea you are going to infect your kids with the belief they are responsible for mom's profound unhappiness. Zero concern. Do you not care that you're going to raise a new generation that will just repeat the hate, anger and regrets you endured with your own upbringing and marriage? You do not even have to love or like your children to at least wish them a better life than yours. Therapy can at least help you get through the remaininig years they're at home, without destroying them, and maybe with some modicum of hope for yourself. You can't undo your children. You cant un-feel your hate. But you can learn how to deal with and even let go of your fixation on all you feel you lost. You will not get there without help, but you keep posting here refusing help. It's out there. But you have to care about your children enough as human beings -- note I did not say "you have to love them" -- you have to care about them as future adults like you are now, so you can get some help getting THEM through their remaining years at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

You are incorrect I would be saying the same thing if you were a man. You are correct you are very logical. But even this, where you explain your sacrifices, isn't about empathy, it is about understanding what is right and wrong. That is not empathy, that is logic. Empathy is the ability to FEEL what another person feels, not the ability to look at a child and understand that one parent is better than the other and do the right thing. You barely sound like you feel your own emotions, and as I said earlier, I think you THINK you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you clearly do not. You sound frequently like something trying to masquerade as human, vs how the average person would feel in your situation. Depression frequently mutes emotions and empathy, it is why everyone keeps bringing it up, but if you have always been like this, it might be something different.

But seriously, you should see a doctor, the way you are experiencing the world is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

You say you have a lot of empathy, but you also say you don't have emotions, only logic. Empathy is feeling sad when others are sad, happy when others are happy, etc. You come across as completely flat and shallow emotionally. Again, that's not a criticism because it was clearly some strong nature and nurture at play here.

The ability to bond with our young is hardwired into us; how else would our species survive if mothers DGAF about their offspring? We have an emotional payoff from loving our children, just like we have a payoff during sex when we orgasm. Both release oxytocin.

Logically, you can probably understand that children can tell the difference between an emotionless parent going through the motions and one who feels deep love for them. If you won't look for help for your own sake, do it for theirs, just like you take them to the pool even though you don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

People would say there is something wrong here regardless of the parent being a man or a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

New poster. OP, please get therapy -- NOT to force yourself to find you don't have, but to help you come up with strategies for raising your kids in a way where they don't grow up feeling they are responsible for your unhappiness. Yes, their existence makes you unhappy but they did not choose to exist and they are at real risk of internalizing your hatred of having them in your life. I say that without judgement, I really do, OP. You can't un-feel what you feel but neither can they just vanish, so to me, this has to be about how you shield them from believing they did something bad or wrong that alienated you.

Not sure I'm phrasing that well, but I'm trying to say: While you absolutely can own your own honest feelings to yourself and your therapist, you do have a responsibility to ensure that your kids do not believe that they, or something they did, are at fault.

Even if you try your hardest to cover up the fact you do not want them in your life, they WILL know, even if it's just a gut feeling they have that you don't like them. They will pick up on it at some point if they haven't already. And it could leave them with permanent issues they will carry into their own relationships in the future. They do exist, they are yours to help raise, and even though you do not want that responsibility or enjoy any aspect of it at all, it's still on your plate. And I'm sorry, because you don't deserve t be so unhappy--but you are the adult here, and the one who can either damage them or power through raising them so they don't feel responsible for something that's about you and not about them.

I actually commend you for pretending for your kids' sakes. Now please get therapy so you can perhaps feel some level of optimism about how you raise them, even if you never can feel any positives or pleasure in that job. It's not a job one can drop entirely, short of leaving the family and cutting off contact and custody, OP, which would guarantee those feelings of "it's my fault" that they don't deserve to have instilled.

Therapy is a waste of time. It will not change my circumstances. I just wanted to know if it gets better when they are adults, but after reading this I really think it won’t be.

So that's really ALL you got out of my post?

Why do you think anything would "change your circumstances"? That ship has sailed. You can't un-make your children. Therapy won't make you love them or magically erase their existence. But it potentially can give you actions to take, ways to cope with each day, strategies to use day to day to deal with your kids and your own emotions, and a way to think about the present so you can look forward to a future and not sit around obsessing over your wasted 20 years to which you refer.

I see zero concern in your posts for the idea you are going to infect your kids with the belief they are responsible for mom's profound unhappiness. Zero concern. Do you not care that you're going to raise a new generation that will just repeat the hate, anger and regrets you endured with your own upbringing and marriage? You do not even have to love or like your children to at least wish them a better life than yours. Therapy can at least help you get through the remaininig years they're at home, without destroying them, and maybe with some modicum of hope for yourself. You can't undo your children. You cant un-feel your hate. But you can learn how to deal with and even let go of your fixation on all you feel you lost. You will not get there without help, but you keep posting here refusing help. It's out there. But you have to care about your children enough as human beings -- note I did not say "you have to love them" -- you have to care about them as future adults like you are now, so you can get some help getting THEM through their remaining years at home.

They already have a better life than mine. At my expense. They are fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

People would say there is something wrong here regardless of the parent being a man or a woman.

Doubtful. If a woman said she was on birth control and trapped a man with the baby, they would not blame the man for being forced into parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Why are you on DCUM? you don’t strike me as someone that’s looking to connect with other parents or get advice about kids and nannies and such. what are you hoping to get out of this post. I think this is a man and a troll. If it’s not please please get help asap. It’s normal to be frustrated with your kids from time to time but what you’re describing is so awful and devastating for these poor kids. You need therapy not DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

You say you have a lot of empathy, but you also say you don't have emotions, only logic. Empathy is feeling sad when others are sad, happy when others are happy, etc. You come across as completely flat and shallow emotionally. Again, that's not a criticism because it was clearly some strong nature and nurture at play here.

The ability to bond with our young is hardwired into us; how else would our species survive if mothers DGAF about their offspring? We have an emotional payoff from loving our children, just like we have a payoff during sex when we orgasm. Both release oxytocin.

Logically, you can probably understand that children can tell the difference between an emotionless parent going through the motions and one who feels deep love for them. If you won't look for help for your own sake, do it for theirs, just like you take them to the pool even though you don't want to.

Exactly. Empathy is the ability to feel what others are feeling. If you had empathy then you would feel joy each time your kids were at a party or playdate that they wanted to attend. You would feel their excitement for a holiday. Even if you logically disagreed with them, say you hated a holiday, or you didn't like a food, if you witnessed them enjoy the holiday or food and they had joy you would FEEL that. Hence the joy in parenting. The ability to empathize is linked directly to our ability to be open and vulnerable. It sounds like there is a history of betrayal from those close to you so it would make sense for you to struggle with vulnerability and empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, to continue the metaphor. One would say you push the distaste of cleaning the toilet to the back of your mind in order to enjoy the clean bathroom the rest of the time. If you never cleaned the toilet seat, the bathroom would be disgusting. There is a trade off. It sounds like you find no joy in the clean bathroom here (if the clean bathroom is, 'relationship with your children'). If you did, I'd say focus on the positives because dwelling in this bitterness will do nothing to change your situation and only cause your life to be worse.

I have to pretend. I do that but I hate it. They’re literally are no positives. I posted because I’m hoping I will not feel this way when they are adults but I know I will continue to feel this way as long as they are living in my house.

Honestly you should go and see a therapist. It is not normal to dislike your entire life and be able to find no positives in it. Even if you have real reasonable reasons for being unhappy about how you got there. You have kids, that is your life, humans adapt and find the good in their situations. If you are unable to do that, I would believe you probably are depressed and could be helped by therapy and medication.

It is not your kid's fault or parenting generally that you are miserable. Misery like you are describing is a choice. I hate working in an office job but it is how I keep a roof over my head so I find the good and focus on that. Life is about finding the good. And an inability to find the good isn't a problem with life, it is a problem with you.

I’m not depressed; this is actually how I feel. Both of my grandmother‘s were exactly the same.

NP. You do not need to be depressed to get therapy. Therapy isn't some fix for brokenness but a tool to increase self awareness and processing which may in turn heal issues if there are any.

OP, even the way you respond to people in this chain is void of emotive expression. It makes me think there could be a lack of empathy in general. Does that resonate? Also, how did your grandmothers disliking parenting impact your own parents and your own experience as a child?

I think there is more going on here. To be fair I don't understand how you feel. I don't particularly enjoy much of parenting myself but it is a joy to get to know my child and bear witness to their evolution and growth. It is also joyful to observe how much joy she gives to her aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...

I'm not really sure what is going on here but kids also become adults one day. Saying you don't like kids is such a huge blanket statement like "I don't like men", "I don't like old people". It just seems peculiar. I believe that you don't like them but it could be good to understand for yourself, if you don't already, what exactly it is that you don't like about them and how you came to this conclusion.

I certainly don't like all kids, or people for that matter, but that's very different than saying "I don't like women period" or "I don't like kids period".

Anyway I wish you the best and some joy in your life too. I'm sorry you are in this position you disdain so much. I believe it can change for you, or I have hope.

I don’t lack empathy. I am actually over empathetic to my own detriment. What you bolded does not make sense to me…I understand how you and others might find joy in that—I simply do not. That does nothing for me. Also, I have never liked kids generally. I did not play with dolls or ever fantasize about getting married like other women seem to. I do not lack the capacity for love either…I have been in love twice. I do not like having kids. I do not find it “rewarding” or any such nonsense. It is time consuming and costly without any benefit…to me personally.

With all due respect, that is extremely abnormal. And it is foundational for most human relationships. You can extract a similar concept out to any other relationship. But generally, what human beings get out of life, a HUGE thing humans get out of life, is interacting with other humans and finding joy in those exchanges. By helping other people, by making another person happy, by feeling another person trying to make us happy. If you find that alien, then honestly you have a mental health condition that would, at the bare minimum, probably be beneficial for you to understand.

I really doubt you have super empathy, you seem INCREDIBLY detached and almost nothing you say has emotion tethered to it, just logistics. You literally equated caring for your children to cleaning a toilet seat. I think you think you understand what empathy and emotions are, but you actually do not. You don't understand what we're saying, because it doesn't match anything about your lived experience. But respectfully, you are the one who is atypical here, you honestly should see a psychiatrist, not just a therapist, and figure out what is going on. And of course it makes sense that you have matrilineal relatives that have similar issues, as things like this have strong genetic components.

I am over emphathetic. I have sacrificed what I wanted in life for the kids. I gave up wealth in a divorce to guarantee there was no lifestyle change for them and they would be financially set later. This was the right thing to do. But it did not serve me. It served them. I don't find having kids I did not want rewarding in any way. It's not abnormal. I did not want to have kids. I have those exchanges with other people that I literally do not have to sacrifice my body, my time, my money, my ambitions for. I am a logical person not an emotional one. If I was a man, no one would be saying something was wrong. There is nothing wrong. I did not want kids and knew that and that was stolen from me despite an agreement and I have to pay lifelong consequences for it. No one would find the outcome of that "rewarding"; they would find it obligatory to do the right thing and feel the need to pretend for the kids sake. This is an anonymous board so I can say how much it truly sucks.

People would say there is something wrong here regardless of the parent being a man or a woman.

Doubtful. If a woman said she was on birth control and trapped a man with the baby, they would not blame the man for being forced into parenthood.

Those posters were being aholes. But you are also missing what a lot of people are saying, for being such a logical person, you are refusing to separate the issues.

It is not your fault you were raped, that is 100% wrong, it shouldn't have happened to you, that is terrible. But how you are proceeding through life as a consequence is a choice YOU are making. I have experienced deep loss and childhood trauma. I am a happy person today. Those events do not, 10 years+ after the fact, have rigid control over my day to day happiness.

You are displaying virtually no emotions at all, for anything at all, other than bitterness and resignation 10+ years after these events. THAT is a choice. We do not get to have complete control over what happens to us in life. Random horrific things happen every single day to many many many people. You are not the only person who has ended up with children they didn't plan on, who had a child from rape. Choosing to be the way you are, that is your fault. It doesn't mean you weren't a victim, but it is your choice, and it means that the person who's hurting you TODAY, is you.