He’s ready for sex but not a relationship

[Anonymous]

“Players only love you when they’re playing…” from a Fleetwood Mac’s song

[Anonymous]

You don’t want to have “intercourse” until you’re in a relationship and you’re asking us if you’re thinking right about this. The important thing is that you’re thinking about it the right way for you. I think you’re already having sex because sex doesn’t have to be exclusively PIV. What is it about PIV that is more special to you? And if it is that’s fine. I just think oral is also super intimate. Anyway - this guy doesn’t want to make a commitment right now. So…what next

1. You have sex with him, enjoy your exclusive 2-3 nights together, and see what develops organically - let him take the lead for a few months. See if he’s trying to develop something with you.

2. Insist on a relationship for PIV - just keep doing everything but and give it a few more months

3. Move on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When did you last check in about this? If it was a month or so ago, I’d be honest with him — I’m waiting for a relationship to have sex, I’m very attracted to you, but if you feel like you’re not ready I wonder if maybe this just isn’t the right situation for us? You might get a response you’re not expecting, like a yes I am able to commit. But either way clarity at this point would be good.

OP: we last checked in about 2 weeks ago. At that time, I told him that I'm very attracted to him and would like to sleep with him, but that I would feel more comfortable waiting until we decide we're ready for a relationship. He knows that I am. He told me that he's "smitten" with me and that he has taken down his online dating profile. We left it as we agreed to keep doing what we're doing, no pressure.

I don't want to keep doing the same thing indefinitely, though.

This seems pretty exclusive and a relationship. I do not know what else you want.

NP I’d want a sign of commitment.

What kind of commitment? I really don't get it. (mid-40s woman here) And personally, I would not offer any commitment until I know I am sexually compatible with someone. This is truly a confusing post to me.

A sign that he's feeling enough to want a serious longterm relationship. I was probably a month into dating my husband when we reached that understanding. We slept together after that. Maybe it's just me, but casual short term things don't do it for me. I want someone who's all in.

All in after 3 months sounds insane. He's sleeping with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - here's the thing: you seem to be "waiting" for the relationship you want - but is what you have now something that you want? Be honest with yourself. If no, then stop seeing him. You are a grown-up and can decide to pursue whatever you want to want, but engaging in something that you don't want isn't going to get you there. And you DO have a relationship with these guy, btw.

+1. She is in a relationship already. This makes no sense.

No she's not in a relationship. She's going out on dates maybe a few times a week and fooling around.

That's not a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are both in your 40’s?!? No one has time to wait on the sexual chemistry. I wouldn’t wait for you and I am a female. What exactly is the boyfriend/girlfriend title doing for you that makes it ok to have sex?

Not OP, but: Some people actually want sex with a person they love, or at least care enough about to be vulnerable not just physically but also emotionally. Some people want sex to be part of a relationship that has much more than sex in it. DCUM firmly believes in "if you don't have sex by the third date/fifth date/three months/whatever time frame I set," you are frigid or weird. Others focus on how sex is a neeeeeeeed that must be met even if it requires a paid stranger....

OP, I don't know if you already had sex with him or not by this point, but: There is nothing wrong, weird or frigid about wanting sex on your terms and having terms that include sex in the context of a larger relationship. Otherwise it's just a screw, and the partner could be a random you picked up in a bar. Having sex with someone your'e dating, before you're ready and fully willing, is wrong for me and sounds like it's wrong for you.

I mean this is nice and all but clearly you missed that OP is doing everything but PIV. So she’s not needing love, commitment, or a strong emotional connection.

Np. This isn't the gotcha you think it is. Pps entire point was OP gets to determine what criteria she needs to do xyz. For zoP she wants an officially exclusive relationship for POV. That's her standards and that's okay.

I really don't know why that's so difficult for you and others to comprehend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are both in your 40’s?!? No one has time to wait on the sexual chemistry. I wouldn’t wait for you and I am a female. What exactly is the boyfriend/girlfriend title doing for you that makes it ok to have sex?

Not OP, but: Some people actually want sex with a person they love, or at least care enough about to be vulnerable not just physically but also emotionally. Some people want sex to be part of a relationship that has much more than sex in it. DCUM firmly believes in "if you don't have sex by the third date/fifth date/three months/whatever time frame I set," you are frigid or weird. Others focus on how sex is a neeeeeeeed that must be met even if it requires a paid stranger....

OP, I don't know if you already had sex with him or not by this point, but: There is nothing wrong, weird or frigid about wanting sex on your terms and having terms that include sex in the context of a larger relationship. Otherwise it's just a screw, and the partner could be a random you picked up in a bar. Having sex with someone your'e dating, before you're ready and fully willing, is wrong for me and sounds like it's wrong for you.

I mean this is nice and all but clearly you missed that OP is doing everything but PIV. So she’s not needing love, commitment, or a strong emotional connection.

Np. This isn't the gotcha you think it is. Pps entire point was OP gets to determine what criteria she needs to do xyz. For zoP she wants an officially exclusive relationship for POV. That's her standards and that's okay.

I really don't know why that's so difficult for you and others to comprehend.

Because slow people like you cannot comprehend OP is already having sex and in a relationship. There’s no gotcha. It’s crystal clear expect I guess when you have reading comprehension problems like you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t want to have “intercourse” until you’re in a relationship and you’re asking us if you’re thinking right about this. The important thing is that you’re thinking about it the right way for you. I think you’re already having sex because sex doesn’t have to be exclusively PIV. What is it about PIV that is more special to you? And if it is that’s fine. I just think oral is also super intimate. Anyway - this guy doesn’t want to make a commitment right now. So…what next

1. You have sex with him, enjoy your exclusive 2-3 nights together, and see what develops organically - let him take the lead for a few months. See if he’s trying to develop something with you.

2. Insist on a relationship for PIV - just keep doing everything but and give it a few more months

3. Move on

“Sex” = PIV. Obviously.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think sex has to be PIV. I mean maybe in the 80s.

[Anonymous]

Is OP having sex? Yes
Are they sexually exclusive? Yes
Are they dating exclusively? Yes
Are they in a relationship? No

OP, he’s just not that into you. Some Men are fine dating just for sex and company without getting emotionally invested. Move on if that’s not what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t want to have “intercourse” until you’re in a relationship and you’re asking us if you’re thinking right about this. The important thing is that you’re thinking about it the right way for you. I think you’re already having sex because sex doesn’t have to be exclusively PIV. What is it about PIV that is more special to you? And if it is that’s fine. I just think oral is also super intimate. Anyway - this guy doesn’t want to make a commitment right now. So…what next

1. You have sex with him, enjoy your exclusive 2-3 nights together, and see what develops organically - let him take the lead for a few months. See if he’s trying to develop something with you.

2. Insist on a relationship for PIV - just keep doing everything but and give it a few more months

3. Move on

“Sex” = PIV. Obviously.

No, sex is any penetration of a body part by a P, not just PIV. If his P is inside any part of your body, you are having sex with him. Are you one of those people who thought you were some kind of virginal princess even though you were giving guys BJs in high school/college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is OP having sex? Yes
Are they sexually exclusive? Yes
Are they dating exclusively? Yes
Are they in a relationship? No

OP, he’s just not that into you. Some Men are fine dating just for sex and company without getting emotionally invested. Move on if that’s not what you want.

Dating exclusively IS a relationship