Paying for dates

[Anonymous]

What is it? You want to be treated as an equal or not? Don’t send mixed messages with double standards when it comes to give and take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I always insisted on splitting the check, but I have found I’m an outlier. Sadly, even those who offer (I had to truly insist) will still expect you to pay. And lots of women will never go out with you again if you don’t.

I think it’s crappy, but it’s the reality.

+1 I'm a woman who is more comfortable splitting, but I think many men either see a woman paying part as an insult to their manhood (not my kind of guys) or think it's a signal the woman isn't interested. The last first date I went on with a guy I was really interested in I said something "I want you to know I think this is a date, so if you want to pay that's okay with me (and thank you), but I'm getting the check next time."

[Anonymous]

OP, what language do you use when you set up these dates?

When I hear, "Can I take you out to dinner?" I expect that the man asking will pay.

On the other hand, if he said, "Would you like to meet for dinner?" that suggests that we will each pay our own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it? You want to be treated as an equal or not? Don’t send mixed messages with double standards when it comes to give and take.

It’s not a mixed message. I pay for my friends birthday dinner, does that make me not their equal? I take my sister out for her promotion, am I saying she’s not my equal?

Don’t confuse being a cheap misogynist for being some kind of feminist. The tell is “treated as”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what language do you use when you set up these dates?

When I hear, "Can I take you out to dinner?" I expect that the man asking will pay.

On the other hand, if he said, "Would you like to meet for dinner?" that suggests that we will each pay our own way.

Lol may be he is only offering to pick you up on his way be “Can I take you out to dinner?”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it? You want to be treated as an equal or not? Don’t send mixed messages with double standards when it comes to give and take.

It’s not a mixed message. I pay for my friends birthday dinner, does that make me not their equal? I take my sister out for her promotion, am I saying she’s not my equal?

Don’t confuse being a cheap misogynist for being some kind of feminist. The tell is “treated as”.

You have ongoing relationships with them. Don’t confuse being stingy with being treated. What are you getting treated for? You are two people having a meal together.

[Anonymous]

It has nothing to do with feminism or chauvinism. Free loading is free loading, no matter how you wrap it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it? You want to be treated as an equal or not? Don’t send mixed messages with double standards when it comes to give and take.

It’s not a mixed message. I pay for my friends birthday dinner, does that make me not their equal? I take my sister out for her promotion, am I saying she’s not my equal?

Don’t confuse being a cheap misogynist for being some kind of feminist. The tell is “treated as”.

Not being particularly cheap, not being misogynistic. You have a job, you have better wheels than I do, you are not an unpaid domestic servant sitting in your father’s house before marriage. Pay your own way in life.

[Anonymous]

It’s totally up to you if you want to split or not but it gives me a signal of your vision of your future. You want to be a princess and your prince to take care of you. Go be Meghan Markle and go find your Prince Harry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Starting to date after an LT marriage ended. In my mid 40's and haven't dated in almost 20 years.

I've gone out a few times with different people. I asked them out. Both times, when the check came, the date didn't even offer to split it. The one where we just had a few drinks over a happy hour doesn't hurt. It was less than $50. However, the second one went on to order a full-blown meal where the expectation was to just meet for a few drinks to see if we actually like each other in person. Just her part was $60 including appetizer, dinner, and dessert. When the check came, she had to use the restroom. I disconnected from both of them. Even if they offered to pay for their own order, would have made me feel better but it seemed like it was expected that I would pay. Also, these aren't some 20-30 year old people I'm talking about. Both ladies were my age +/- a few years.

Should I tell people up front that we will split the check? I don't want to be a dick but this is going to start to add up.

Question for women - is it expected for the man to pay for the first date?

Question for men - Do you just tell the server at the end for separate checks? Again, I don't want to be an ass about it but especially if the date is not going well, why should I end up paying for both.

When the second woman ordered a meal on a drinks date - did you also order a meal? If so, she probably considered it an extension of the date you invited her on. Next time, meet for coffee, a walk in the park, or a museum if you don’t want to keep spending $$$ on pricy dinners. As a woman I’m fine with free or low-cost first dates, but yes, if you ask me out I do expect that you’ll pay, and if you asked a server for separate checks there would be no second date.

[Anonymous]

I can afford to pick up the tab but I’m not running a charity for hungry single women and certainly doesn’t want to date stingy hypocrite women trying to gauge my bank account and willingness to add them as joint owners.

[Anonymous]

Admittedly I’m a lightweight, but it would never occur to me it would be a faux pas to order food on a drinks date. OK, maybe not a multi course meal, but if you really are gonna begrudge me an order of fries you’re a cheapskate.

[Anonymous]

I either want a career women who shares her dollars with mine to build a good life or a SHAM who can help by managing home and kids so I can earn more dollars so I can build a good life for us. I’m not looking for a women who wants to keep her money, spends mine and expects me be an equal contributor in running household and raising children. I also want a good life and doesn’t want slavery in the name of fake equality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Admittedly I’m a lightweight, but it would never occur to me it would be a faux pas to order food on a drinks date. OK, maybe not a multi course meal, but if you really are gonna begrudge me an order of fries you’re a cheapskate.

Who is real cheapskate? One who is spending or one who is taking advantage?

[Anonymous]

Who are these guys harping on here? I’m a man and I pay. I will always feed you. I don’t care if it is the first date or the last one. I have no problem picking up the check. I don’t care who you are. I have a job and don’t go around penny pinching my dates. If you’re going to worry about this then stay home. Get out of the dating pool until you grow up. This isn’t high school.