Toddlers at the Funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a tough call. I have twins, we’ve always had to travel for family events, and I lost a parent less than 6 months ago and a cousin 2 months ago. I see all sides of this. Covid might be a huge concern, depending on how crowded the funeral service might be. My cousin’s celebration of life was jam packed. Hundreds of people crammed into two large rooms for hours and my mother and I were the only ones wearing masks. That’s much riskier than, say, 3 or 4 households being under the same roof for a visit.

I know your husband would like all of you to be there. Is it possible for someone to watch your unvaccinated children in your home while you and your husband go? He really needs you. This would be a good compromise. Alternatively, does he have friends in Wyoming who could watch the kids for you on the day of the funeral?

OP here—I have asked if church can provide a babysitter for a few hours and I have two sets of friends that offered to help if needed. DH wants the kids at the service and I am putting my foot down on this one.

I'm I'm posting again. If you were my spouse and did not support me through my parents death and honor my wishes to have the children there you and I would be divorced.

I supported my spouse through the death of a parent by surprise at a young age. This is the one time you don't get to be selfish. Don't out that foot down. Attend with your children and be a good partner.

dp Wow.. you would blow up your children's lives because your spouse didn't want to fly your 3 year olds for a funeral during Covid to Wyoming? They would be better off without you. But you are really selfish not considering other points of view.

They literally just flew back from Wyoming. They were already traveling during covid and visiting with family members when this death happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ops only options are to have her family stay with the kids or bring them. She cannot get out of this funeral. Not going will be an issue in the marriage

ugh reasonable people can disagree. She CAN get out of the funeral. She isn't his slave.

Nor is she the sole person who decides about the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the suggestion to discuss a future visit to your MIL when Covid gets better. It was probably worth the risk to take your unvaxxed toddlers to Wyoming when FIL was still alive, but he has passed now. Funerals are for the living, and toddlers shouldn’t have to support anyone with their presence. DH is surely grieving but his #1 priority should still be his kids and if they just spent 2 weeks in WY, they are likely exhausted and off schedule. I wouldn’t drag them back there so soon, during a pandemic, but I would take them in a few months when everything calms down. I am sure your MIL would love to see all of you at that point. She will need the support. And you should do everything else you can do to support DH: listen to him, give him space to think while you pick up extra work at home and with the kids, discuss grief counseling with him, etc. Good luck and be gentle, these things are so hard.

He straight out asked her for what he needed! Y’all are something else.

And I’m saying that what he asked for might not be the best thing for his very young children who just spent 2 weeks in Wyoming. His first priority should be his kids regardless of what else is going on.

So it was fine to risk his toddlers health for COVID 2 weeks ago, not prioritize their health then, but now it's too much. Interesting.

If you go back and read my comments you’ll see Covid was only half of it. That’s a lot of travel and time away from home for a couple of toddlers. Everyone is different but in my household the adults are expected to manage their emotions and do what’s best for their kids. And that’s what we would think is best. I understand that other posters have different opinions, I’m just sharing mine.

I read your response, and the kindest thing I can say about it is it's incredible shortsighted. You want t talk routines? You know what is incredibly disruptive to toddlers and kids? Parents who don't prioritize each other. Parents who scream kids first at all costs. Divorce is also really disruptive. And if you think it can't land there you are naive. These little wounds add up and your spouse not giving a crap about your parent dying and I call your spouse being more concerned with Naptime and routines when you just lost mom or dad and you have asked them to come to the funeral not giving a crap. That's a really big mark and if op doesn't go it will come back to bite her maybe not immediately but it will. It's the kind of thing that when the kids are older and you decide you want to not just be a mommy martyr that gets brought up and wives like you and op like to act shocked about. Didn't know he had so much anger or whatever BS you tell yourself.

If you’re the same poster that keep to replying to me you keep inferring a lot of things that aren’t in my post and you’re getting very personal and emotional. OP and her DH will work it out. She already wrote several pages back that she’s looking for sitters for the service (despite DH apparently saying his 3yo twins need to go to everything. She’s trying to work it out- I hope that’s not fodder for an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you're getting opinions on both sides, but I hope you and your DH can come to a solution where you're both happy. There are some couples where both people would be okay with only DH going. And other couples who would both feel that the whole family should go. And the right answer is the one that you AND your DH agree on. Because though a PP was being dramatic with the divorce comment, it is moments like this that either create rifts or bring you together.

I wish you and family peace as you navigate this.

dp I don't think either side will be completely happy. I am sure Op would go if this was pre-Covid. If one person is only happy if they all go and one person wants dh to go and expects op to "suck it up" she isn't going to be happy. If kids got Covid I would be really angry. So there are no winners unless they decide to keep one kid at home and dh can take one of them and the other stay home. Or op gets to go solo and they get care for their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those times when DH gets to call the shots. This can be an inflection point in a marriage. If you aren't there for DH when he is grieving, what is the point of the marriage? It sounds like you are exhausted which is understandable but you need to suck it up and go with zero complaints. You were just in Wyoming so you can't play the covid card just when it is convenient.

Why are women always the one to SUCK IT UP? That is unacceptable in an equal marriage. DH is not her boss. She has FREE will and she do what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ops only options are to have her family stay with the kids or bring them. She cannot get out of this funeral. Not going will be an issue in the marriage

ugh reasonable people can disagree. She CAN get out of the funeral. She isn't his slave.

Nor is she the sole person who decides about the kids.

If she is the one caring for them out there than YES she gets a bigger say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad died in 2019. I did not want my toddlers around. I wanted to be a mourning daughter, not a stressed out mother.

That being said, everyone is different. I would, honestly, defer to your husband on this.

Same with me. I left my kids at home, but knowing how incredibly awful and shocking (no matter the circumstances) it is to lose a parent, I would do whatever DH wanted. [/quote]

Sorry but, Dad doesn't get the sole vote.

Have you lost a parent? It’s not about a vote. It’s about supporting your grieving partner. Good Lord!

YES! But I wasn't married. Op can support her husband when he comes home. I'm sure he will be still grieving. There is no end date to that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a tough call. I have twins, we’ve always had to travel for family events, and I lost a parent less than 6 months ago and a cousin 2 months ago. I see all sides of this. Covid might be a huge concern, depending on how crowded the funeral service might be. My cousin’s celebration of life was jam packed. Hundreds of people crammed into two large rooms for hours and my mother and I were the only ones wearing masks. That’s much riskier than, say, 3 or 4 households being under the same roof for a visit.

I know your husband would like all of you to be there. Is it possible for someone to watch your unvaccinated children in your home while you and your husband go? He really needs you. This would be a good compromise. Alternatively, does he have friends in Wyoming who could watch the kids for you on the day of the funeral?

OP here—I have asked if church can provide a babysitter for a few hours and I have two sets of friends that offered to help if needed. DH wants the kids at the service and I am putting my foot down on this one.

I'm I'm posting again. If you were my spouse and did not support me through my parents death and honor my wishes to have the children there you and I would be divorced.

I supported my spouse through the death of a parent by surprise at a young age. This is the one time you don't get to be selfish. Don't out that foot down. Attend with your children and be a good partner.

dp Wow.. you would blow up your children's lives because your spouse didn't want to fly your 3 year olds for a funeral during Covid to Wyoming? They would be better off without you. But you are really selfish not considering other points of view.

They literally just flew back from Wyoming. They were already traveling during covid and visiting with family members when this death happened.

They were there when the parent was alive. There is no way these kids are going to "support" their dad.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. Another family member put their foot down on traveling this weekend due to health issues. Some of the kids can’t miss school for a week, so all agreed on spring break timeframe. We’re all going, but it will be in March during spring break. No open casket, just a celebration of life service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Small kids don't need to be at the funeral but you need to be there to support DH. That is as close to an absolute as there is. Try to find someone to watch your kids during the service if you don't want them to go. Or leave them at home of someone can stay with them. But you need to be there

It is a nice to do, not need. op's kids need their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Another family member put their foot down on traveling this weekend due to health issues. Some of the kids can’t miss school for a week, so all agreed on spring break timeframe. We’re all going, but it will be in March during spring break. No open casket, just a celebration of life service.

Great news, op! And I was one of the posters who supported your decision. Win-win.

[Anonymous]

White people??? Republican husband?? Ha ha. I think there is going to be even more funerals in the family in the near future…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Small kids don't need to be at the funeral but you need to be there to support DH. That is as close to an absolute as there is. Try to find someone to watch your kids during the service if you don't want them to go. Or leave them at home of someone can stay with them. But you need to be there

It is a nice to do, not need. op's kids need their mom.

If you are raising such delicate snowflakes that they cannot have a sitter temporarily during a family emergency, you might want to rethink your parenting style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. Another family member put their foot down on traveling this weekend due to health issues. Some of the kids can’t miss school for a week, so all agreed on spring break timeframe. We’re all going, but it will be in March during spring break. No open casket, just a celebration of life service.

Sounds like you lucked out. If I were you OP I would make sure to tell your husband that you're relieved it worked out, but if it came down to it you would have gone.

I am not someone who is very demanding or dramatic in relationships, but I would have trouble putting behind me my spouse not wanting to support me when my parent died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ops only options are to have her family stay with the kids or bring them. She cannot get out of this funeral. Not going will be an issue in the marriage

ugh reasonable people can disagree. She CAN get out of the funeral. She isn't his slave.

Nor is she the sole person who decides about the kids.

If she is the one caring for them out there than YES she gets a bigger say.

Nope