Toddlers at the Funeral

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad died in 2019. I did not want my toddlers around. I wanted to be a mourning daughter, not a stressed out mother.

That being said, everyone is different. I would, honestly, defer to your husband on this.

Same with me. I left my kids at home, but knowing how incredibly awful and shocking (no matter the circumstances) it is to lose a parent, I would do whatever DH wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With Covid, stay home. You cannot do anything for the dead and if you were there the past two weeks that is far more important.

She wouldn’t be doing something for the dead.
She would be doing something for her grieving husband, that he asked of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the suggestion to discuss a future visit to your MIL when Covid gets better. It was probably worth the risk to take your unvaxxed toddlers to Wyoming when FIL was still alive, but he has passed now. Funerals are for the living, and toddlers shouldn’t have to support anyone with their presence. DH is surely grieving but his #1 priority should still be his kids and if they just spent 2 weeks in WY, they are likely exhausted and off schedule. I wouldn’t drag them back there so soon, during a pandemic, but I would take them in a few months when everything calms down. I am sure your MIL would love to see all of you at that point. She will need the support. And you should do everything else you can do to support DH: listen to him, give him space to think while you pick up extra work at home and with the kids, discuss grief counseling with him, etc. Good luck and be gentle, these things are so hard.

He straight out asked her for what he needed! Y’all are something else.

And I’m saying that what he asked for might not be the best thing for his very young children who just spent 2 weeks in Wyoming. His first priority should be his kids regardless of what else is going on.

So it was fine to risk his toddlers health for COVID 2 weeks ago, not prioritize their health then, but now it's too much. Interesting.

If you go back and read my comments you’ll see Covid was only half of it. That’s a lot of travel and time away from home for a couple of toddlers. Everyone is different but in my household the adults are expected to manage their emotions and do what’s best for their kids. And that’s what we would think is best. I understand that other posters have different opinions, I’m just sharing mine.

In my family, the spouse who is not the one grieving supports the spouse who is grieving. Just because the toddlers go along does not mean they necessarily have to attend every single funeral-related event. But the family will be there together, which is what the spouse who just lost his father wants.

[Anonymous]

^^^This. DH was invaluable to me when my mom was dying/afterward and I would have been lost without him there.

[Anonymous]

Ops only options are to have her family stay with the kids or bring them. She cannot get out of this funeral. Not going will be an issue in the marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the suggestion to discuss a future visit to your MIL when Covid gets better. It was probably worth the risk to take your unvaxxed toddlers to Wyoming when FIL was still alive, but he has passed now. Funerals are for the living, and toddlers shouldn’t have to support anyone with their presence. DH is surely grieving but his #1 priority should still be his kids and if they just spent 2 weeks in WY, they are likely exhausted and off schedule. I wouldn’t drag them back there so soon, during a pandemic, but I would take them in a few months when everything calms down. I am sure your MIL would love to see all of you at that point. She will need the support. And you should do everything else you can do to support DH: listen to him, give him space to think while you pick up extra work at home and with the kids, discuss grief counseling with him, etc. Good luck and be gentle, these things are so hard.

He straight out asked her for what he needed! Y’all are something else.

And I’m saying that what he asked for might not be the best thing for his very young children who just spent 2 weeks in Wyoming. His first priority should be his kids regardless of what else is going on.

So it was fine to risk his toddlers health for COVID 2 weeks ago, not prioritize their health then, but now it's too much. Interesting.

If you go back and read my comments you’ll see Covid was only half of it. That’s a lot of travel and time away from home for a couple of toddlers. Everyone is different but in my household the adults are expected to manage their emotions and do what’s best for their kids. And that’s what we would think is best. I understand that other posters have different opinions, I’m just sharing mine.

In my family, the spouse who is not the one grieving supports the spouse who is grieving. Just because the toddlers go along does not mean they necessarily have to attend every single funeral-related event. But the family will be there together, which is what the spouse who just lost his father wants.

NP. And in my family, our children are a priority - but not in every single instance. Here I think it’s ok for the grieving father’s needs to be prioritized for this time period - he just lost a parent. In my opinion, the short term disruption for the toddlers wouldn’t outweigh the dad’s desire to be surrounded by his nuclear family during this loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad died in 2019. I did not want my toddlers around. I wanted to be a mourning daughter, not a stressed out mother.

That being said, everyone is different. I would, honestly, defer to your husband on this.

Same with me. I left my kids at home, but knowing how incredibly awful and shocking (no matter the circumstances) it is to lose a parent, I would do whatever DH wanted. [/quote]

Sorry but, Dad doesn't get the sole vote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad died in 2019. I did not want my toddlers around. I wanted to be a mourning daughter, not a stressed out mother.

That being said, everyone is different. I would, honestly, defer to your husband on this.

Same with me. I left my kids at home, but knowing how incredibly awful and shocking (no matter the circumstances) it is to lose a parent, I would do whatever DH wanted. [/quote]

Sorry but, Dad doesn't get the sole vote.

PP is saying her vote would be what Dad wants. Not that she doesn’t get a vote, but she is saying how she would vote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad died in 2019. I did not want my toddlers around. I wanted to be a mourning daughter, not a stressed out mother.

That being said, everyone is different. I would, honestly, defer to your husband on this.

Same with me. I left my kids at home, but knowing how incredibly awful and shocking (no matter the circumstances) it is to lose a parent, I would do whatever DH wanted. [/quote]

Sorry but, Dad doesn't get the sole vote.

I think I'm a strong marriage the other spouse wants to support the one who is mourning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad died in 2019. I did not want my toddlers around. I wanted to be a mourning daughter, not a stressed out mother.

That being said, everyone is different. I would, honestly, defer to your husband on this.

Same with me. I left my kids at home, but knowing how incredibly awful and shocking (no matter the circumstances) it is to lose a parent, I would do whatever DH wanted. [/quote]

Sorry but, Dad doesn't get the sole vote.

Have you lost a parent? It’s not about a vote. It’s about supporting your grieving partner. Good Lord!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the suggestion to discuss a future visit to your MIL when Covid gets better. It was probably worth the risk to take your unvaxxed toddlers to Wyoming when FIL was still alive, but he has passed now. Funerals are for the living, and toddlers shouldn’t have to support anyone with their presence. DH is surely grieving but his #1 priority should still be his kids and if they just spent 2 weeks in WY, they are likely exhausted and off schedule. I wouldn’t drag them back there so soon, during a pandemic, but I would take them in a few months when everything calms down. I am sure your MIL would love to see all of you at that point. She will need the support. And you should do everything else you can do to support DH: listen to him, give him space to think while you pick up extra work at home and with the kids, discuss grief counseling with him, etc. Good luck and be gentle, these things are so hard.

He straight out asked her for what he needed! Y’all are something else.

And I’m saying that what he asked for might not be the best thing for his very young children who just spent 2 weeks in Wyoming. His first priority should be his kids regardless of what else is going on.

So it was fine to risk his toddlers health for COVID 2 weeks ago, not prioritize their health then, but now it's too much. Interesting.

If you go back and read my comments you’ll see Covid was only half of it. That’s a lot of travel and time away from home for a couple of toddlers. Everyone is different but in my household the adults are expected to manage their emotions and do what’s best for their kids. And that’s what we would think is best. I understand that other posters have different opinions, I’m just sharing mine.

I read your response, and the kindest thing I can say about it is it's incredible shortsighted. You want t talk routines? You know what is incredibly disruptive to toddlers and kids? Parents who don't prioritize each other. Parents who scream kids first at all costs. Divorce is also really disruptive. And if you think it can't land there you are naive. These little wounds add up and your spouse not giving a crap about your parent dying and I call your spouse being more concerned with Naptime and routines when you just lost mom or dad and you have asked them to come to the funeral not giving a crap. That's a really big mark and if op doesn't go it will come back to bite her maybe not immediately but it will. It's the kind of thing that when the kids are older and you decide you want to not just be a mommy martyr that gets brought up and wives like you and op like to act shocked about. Didn't know he had so much anger or whatever BS you tell yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad died in 2019. I did not want my toddlers around. I wanted to be a mourning daughter, not a stressed out mother.

That being said, everyone is different. I would, honestly, defer to your husband on this.

Same with me. I left my kids at home, but knowing how incredibly awful and shocking (no matter the circumstances) it is to lose a parent, I would do whatever DH wanted. [/quote]

Sorry but, Dad doesn't get the sole vote.

Have you lost a parent? It’s not about a vote. It’s about supporting your grieving partner. Good Lord!

Some of these women just don't get it. It's all about them and Naptime for Larlo and then they will claim to be blindsided when DH has an affair with some woman who cares about his feelings.

Some decisions in marriage and parenting are hard. This ain't one of those decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a tough call. I have twins, we’ve always had to travel for family events, and I lost a parent less than 6 months ago and a cousin 2 months ago. I see all sides of this. Covid might be a huge concern, depending on how crowded the funeral service might be. My cousin’s celebration of life was jam packed. Hundreds of people crammed into two large rooms for hours and my mother and I were the only ones wearing masks. That’s much riskier than, say, 3 or 4 households being under the same roof for a visit.

I know your husband would like all of you to be there. Is it possible for someone to watch your unvaccinated children in your home while you and your husband go? He really needs you. This would be a good compromise. Alternatively, does he have friends in Wyoming who could watch the kids for you on the day of the funeral?

OP here—I have asked if church can provide a babysitter for a few hours and I have two sets of friends that offered to help if needed. DH wants the kids at the service and I am putting my foot down on this one.

I'm I'm posting again. If you were my spouse and did not support me through my parents death and honor my wishes to have the children there you and I would be divorced.

I supported my spouse through the death of a parent by surprise at a young age. This is the one time you don't get to be selfish. Don't out that foot down. Attend with your children and be a good partner.

dp Wow.. you would blow up your children's lives because your spouse didn't want to fly your 3 year olds for a funeral during Covid to Wyoming? They would be better off without you. But you are really selfish not considering other points of view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those times when DH gets to call the shots. This can be an inflection point in a marriage. If you aren't there for DH when he is grieving, what is the point of the marriage? It sounds like you are exhausted which is understandable but you need to suck it up and go with zero complaints. You were just in Wyoming so you can't play the covid card just when it is convenient.

The bold is nonsense. Going for a planned visit where you can limit the people you see and limit where and when you see them is not at all the same thing as hauling yourself to a funeral (and possibly other events like a wake, viewing, lunch, dinner where all family are "expected" to attend) where there are going to be who knows what other relatives and friends of the FIL.

If you cannot see the difference between those two situations regarding respective levels of covid risk, you are incapable of reasoning.

dp I would say the opposite. They were just there so no need to go again. Spouse got his support. The 3 year olds can't really support anyone and will get in the way more than help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ops only options are to have her family stay with the kids or bring them. She cannot get out of this funeral. Not going will be an issue in the marriage

ugh reasonable people can disagree. She CAN get out of the funeral. She isn't his slave.