Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

[Anonymous]

I think the hurt or questioning stems from an "I'm busier than you" dynamic -- people who fall off the face of the earth due to being "so busy!" or overwhelmed, and then resurface expecting friendships to just pick right back up. It doesn't work that way. To have friendships, you have to sustain them and that means sometimes making the effort: to skip bedtime and let your kid cry or your husband figure it out or whatever.

If you have no interest in maintaining friendships, that's a different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another factor nobody mentioned is that it's not college or grad school where we all live in apartments walking distance from the same campus anymore. I live in the same town as only two of my friends, a male work friend and my husband's childhood best friend. All of my female friends are scattered from DC and the inner suburbs, to Ellicott City and Annapolis, to Waldorf, to Alexandria. It's really not worth it to drive for an hour or two for dinner or drinks with these distances, knowing you have to drive home at night and still be up in the middle of the night with a baby. We do daytime hangouts where we can spend longer together and sometimes bring kids, or we save it for special occasions.

Yep exactly, esp in the DMV. Esp when we're not already centralized downtown given WFH, it's a schlep to get to most friends in a weeknights.

We have a routine that works for us and I don't really want to shake it up unless it's for something super important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

I think most people are probably looking for friends they are compatible with, not just anyone.

Well, we're talking about people that were formerly friends, before you had kids/decided you were too tired/didn't want to go out at night. So they were compatible, the only thing that changed is that some people got less fun.

Actually people change in lots of ways - parents and non-parents - and can grow apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another factor nobody mentioned is that it's not college or grad school where we all live in apartments walking distance from the same campus anymore. I live in the same town as only two of my friends, a male work friend and my husband's childhood best friend. All of my female friends are scattered from DC and the inner suburbs, to Ellicott City and Annapolis, to Waldorf, to Alexandria. It's really not worth it to drive for an hour or two for dinner or drinks with these distances, knowing you have to drive home at night and still be up in the middle of the night with a baby. We do daytime hangouts where we can spend longer together and sometimes bring kids, or we save it for special occasions.

Yep exactly, esp in the DMV. Esp when we're not already centralized downtown given WFH, it's a schlep to get to most friends in a weeknights.

We have a routine that works for us and I don't really want to shake it up unless it's for something super important.

This is the case where I live, too. It’s not the dinner alone that feels exhausting its getting ready, driving over, eating out and probably staying out later than planned, driving home, finally getting ready for bed at 11 or 12 and then the likelihood of waking up with the baby at night and the toddler in the morning at 6:30. Yes, DH can wake up with the kids but my ability to sleep in is shot now that I’ve been getting up early for so long. Also, once I’m home the temptation to get cozy and snuggle into bed is just too great.

[Anonymous]

Weekend nights are for meeting up with friends in my house. After a tough workweek, I welcome
the chance to decompress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weekend nights are for meeting up with friends in my house. After a tough workweek, I welcome
the chance to decompress.

A lot of the disagreement here seems to center around how people like to decompress. For some it’s wine and dinner with friends, for others its a book in bed with a cup of tea, for some its sitting on the couch with DH and watching a movie. I think people do have to recognize that what is relaxing and a break for some people is not relaxing for others. And I say this as an extrovert who does like to unwind with friends but understands that some friends like to have less busy social lives and need time to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weekend nights are for meeting up with friends in my house. After a tough workweek, I welcome
the chance to decompress.

A lot of the disagreement here seems to center around how people like to decompress. For some it’s wine and dinner with friends, for others its a book in bed with a cup of tea, for some its sitting on the couch with DH and watching a movie. I think people do have to recognize that what is relaxing and a break for some people is not relaxing for others. And I say this as an extrovert who does like to unwind with friends but understands that some friends like to have less busy social lives and need time to themselves.

How did introverts maintain friendships?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weekend nights are for meeting up with friends in my house. After a tough workweek, I welcome
the chance to decompress.

A lot of the disagreement here seems to center around how people like to decompress. For some it’s wine and dinner with friends, for others its a book in bed with a cup of tea, for some its sitting on the couch with DH and watching a movie. I think people do have to recognize that what is relaxing and a break for some people is not relaxing for others. And I say this as an extrovert who does like to unwind with friends but understands that some friends like to have less busy social lives and need time to themselves.

How did introverts maintain friendships?

NP but this is why I meet with friends on weekends during the day way more often. By the end of the day (either at work talking to people all day or at home doing family activities and hanging with the kids) I am drained and I don’t feel like I have the bandwidth for even more social interaction. I would never want my hangouts with friends to feel like a chore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weekend nights are for meeting up with friends in my house. After a tough workweek, I welcome
the chance to decompress.

A lot of the disagreement here seems to center around how people like to decompress. For some it’s wine and dinner with friends, for others its a book in bed with a cup of tea, for some its sitting on the couch with DH and watching a movie. I think people do have to recognize that what is relaxing and a break for some people is not relaxing for others. And I say this as an extrovert who does like to unwind with friends but understands that some friends like to have less busy social lives and need time to themselves.

How did introverts maintain friendships?

By saying yes when we want to, saying no when we don’t want to, and giving more when we can. Which isn’t always. I have a core group of really good friends. I don’t have tons and tons of friends, so it is not hard for me to maintain connections. I am friendly with many, would do a favor for many, but am truly friends with a small-but-important group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the hurt or questioning stems from an "I'm busier than you" dynamic -- people who fall off the face of the earth due to being "so busy!" or overwhelmed, and then resurface expecting friendships to just pick right back up. It doesn't work that way. To have friendships, you have to sustain them and that means sometimes making the effort: to skip bedtime and let your kid cry or your husband figure it out or whatever.

If you have no interest in maintaining friendships, that's a different story.

…for you. I have friends who “resurface,” and I love to see them when they do. I don’t take that kind of thing personally. If Jane is off the radar for a while, I enjoy the company of other friends. When she’s recharged—or when she needs help to get to a better place—I’m there for her. Some of us don’t bean count and measure friendship by any means possible. It’s called going with the flow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, you sound super condescending and a little selfish and immature calling your friends “tethered” to their routines and wanting to know what’s “sacred” about time with their kids. Maybe they don’t like you.

I think you were so miffed by the post that you missed the part where the OP stated that friends do want to meet up during the day, which is when most people work.
It's not a question of liking or not liking; it's a question of being able to exercise flexibility to meet people where they are.

Have you never heard of weekends? Weekends and brunch are…a thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

Hon, your Music Together play dates with other spit-up soaked mommies don’t count as going out.

[Anonymous]

I know someone like that. Her H is a jerk, she likes being a martyr, and is all about being a mommy, and probably doesn’t really want to meet up. She then complains about how lonely she is. I gave up on her.