Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This may be an unpopular post. I am not trying to be incendiary. But this has been burning my curiosity for a while, so here we go -- I truly want to understand.

I have a couple of friends who cannot seem to go out at night. They want to get together and text often and try to make plans during the day if they're working at home and kids are at daycare. But they cannot get out at night because it means leaving their kids home with their husband during dinner and bath.

I am genuinely curious: Why can't you leave your kids at home? Can't your spouse feed them and bathe them? What happens between the hours of 6-10 that is sacred? Why won't you give yourself a break? It is straining a few friendships with women who seem tethered to a routine that stifles them. Why?

For me, I work so my evening and weekend time with my kids is sacred. It’s not that I can’t get away, it’s that I don’t want to. I’m also still nursing my 12 month old for a long session before bed. DH handles my older toddler’s dinner, bath, books and cuddles routine every night. Our nanny, who the kids love, can always stay late.

But I’m tired, OP. After the kids are in bed and asleep, I want to stay home.

[Anonymous]

For me it’s about priorities. If I get a couple nights a month to myself do I want to spend it with moms I can see when I have my kid, or doing something I can only do when I don’t have my kid.

[Anonymous]

I am this friend. I don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

I think most people are probably looking for friends they are compatible with, not just anyone.

Well, we're talking about people that were formerly friends, before you had kids/decided you were too tired/didn't want to go out at night. So they were compatible, the only thing that changed is that some people got less fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m way too tired for evening commitments if I have a job plus kids.

+1

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP, you sound super condescending and a little selfish and immature calling your friends “tethered” to their routines and wanting to know what’s “sacred” about time with their kids. Maybe they don’t like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

This. It's fine to deprioritize your friends for family, but then they will deprioritize you as well. Don't expect to surface in a couple of years and have all your previous friends excitedly awaiting your return to humanity with open arms. They'll have moved on to other friends that made time for them.

With friends like these PPs, who needs enemies. I sense a lot of insecurity from these PPs- why is it SO important that your friends meet you exactly on your terms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

Haha, nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Before Covid, I used to go out after 9pm when my kids were asleep. My nanny would arrive at 8:30. This is still what I prefer. I love putting my kids to sleep. I have missed bedtime on occasion, but it was rare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

I wonder what compels someone to write such a post beyond being deeply sad and insecure. Who ranks friends on a "B Team"? Is this seventh grade? Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, you sound super condescending and a little selfish and immature calling your friends “tethered” to their routines and wanting to know what’s “sacred” about time with their kids. Maybe they don’t like you.

Oh dear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may be an unpopular post. I am not trying to be incendiary. But this has been burning my curiosity for a while, so here we go -- I truly want to understand.

I have a couple of friends who cannot seem to go out at night. They want to get together and text often and try to make plans during the day if they're working at home and kids are at daycare. But they cannot get out at night because it means leaving their kids home with their husband during dinner and bath.

I am genuinely curious: Why can't you leave your kids at home? Can't your spouse feed them and bathe them? What happens between the hours of 6-10 that is sacred? Why won't you give yourself a break? It is straining a few friendships with women who seem tethered to a routine that stifles them. Why?

Maybe they don’t consider going out with you in the evening “a break”. Maybe they don’t consider their routines to be “stifling “. I’m genuinely curious: Why, if you have friends who can make plans during the day, you’re so insistent on having them make plans in the evening? 6-10 is often the only time that the entire family can spend time together awake. For some that is pretty precious— and a priority over spending time with friends who could be flexible but apparently choose not to.

Have you ever offered to do kid-friendly activities? If not, then maybe ask yourself why you’re comfortable straining friendships — insisting that your friends with family responsibilities conform to the demands and schedules of the friends who lack such responsibilities.

I had a very similar reaction to the tone of this, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly OP, you sound super condescending and a little selfish and immature calling your friends “tethered” to their routines and wanting to know what’s “sacred” about time with their kids. Maybe they don’t like you.

I think you were so miffed by the post that you missed the part where the OP stated that friends do want to meet up during the day, which is when most people work.
It's not a question of liking or not liking; it's a question of being able to exercise flexibility to meet people where they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may be an unpopular post. I am not trying to be incendiary. But this has been burning my curiosity for a while, so here we go -- I truly want to understand.

I have a couple of friends who cannot seem to go out at night. They want to get together and text often and try to make plans during the day if they're working at home and kids are at daycare. But they cannot get out at night because it means leaving their kids home with their husband during dinner and bath.

I am genuinely curious: Why can't you leave your kids at home? Can't your spouse feed them and bathe them? What happens between the hours of 6-10 that is sacred? Why won't you give yourself a break? It is straining a few friendships with women who seem tethered to a routine that stifles them. Why?

Maybe they don’t consider going out with you in the evening “a break”. Maybe they don’t consider their routines to be “stifling “. I’m genuinely curious: Why, if you have friends who can make plans during the day, you’re so insistent on having them make plans in the evening? 6-10 is often the only time that the entire family can spend time together awake. For some that is pretty precious— and a priority over spending time with friends who could be flexible but apparently choose not to.

Have you ever offered to do kid-friendly activities? If not, then maybe ask yourself why you’re comfortable straining friendships — insisting that your friends with family responsibilities conform to the demands and schedules of the friends who lack such responsibilities.

I had a very similar reaction to the tone of this, PP.

When did anybody say they won't do kid-friendly activities or that they were insisting that anyone conform to demands? Hyperbole! The fact is, many adults socialize in the evenings, after work. Many, in fact, choose to do it without their children. This isn't odd behavior.