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[quote=Anonymous]This is a very tough situation and I think it's good that you are thinking through your next steps carefully.

The way in which you describe the situation suggests that there is a risk of her walking out/divorce.  In that event, you may end up doing as much or more of the childcare.

First, I would start by assessing how the kids feel and what they notice and tweaking that situation.  Regardless of any regrets, your wife morally owes her children emotional and physical care.  Without getting into a larger discussion, can you propose some adjustments that she might agree to?  For example, can she take the older child to run errands with her more regularly? Or handle the toddler's bedtimes 3x per week?  I think it's okay to nicely ask for concessions because part of parenting involves duty.

Second, you don't seem to know the root cause of why your wife is pulling away.  It could be depression, it could be physical illness, it could be life regrets, it could be her feelings about you, it could be having kids, etc. You should try to understand what the causes are to be able to understand your situation.  If you don't want to open a discussion of marriage counseling services, I think the workbook materials from Gottman therapists might be a place to start. After you have formed some hypotheses, then perhaps you can have an open discussion.

Regarding the ages of your children, the toddler is likely the hardest to manage.  But her behavior should be getting easier to manage by age 4.  So if "hanging in there" and "getting by" are acceptable, improvement in the situation may come naturally.  I would try to focus on the light at the end of the tunnel.

Third, are there any logistical improvements you can brainstorm to make running the household easier and more pleasant?  For example, assigned chores for the 7-year old, pre-school for the toddler, reducing or increasing extracurricular activities, grocery delivery, etc?  Thoughtfully-offered, financially and logistically feasible adaptations might show your wife that you are genuinely concerned for her feelings as well.

Fourth, can you drop your kids off with grandparents and take a fun vacation with your wife for a long weekend or week? Just an opportunity to be together and relax?

These are some starter thoughts.  I would worry less about what she privately said about regretting having kids and be more concerned about how the kids feel about her treatment of them.

I hope it gets better for your family.[/quote]

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