Reply to How to Deal with an Angry Sibling re: Elderly Parents

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[quote=Anonymous]Hi.
I have lived in the DC area for 30+ years now. My brother lives in my hometown 10 minutes drive from my parent's home (6 hours away). Our Dad was in the hospital and was recently released to a rehab facility a week ago. Our Mom has been in a different hospital and will be released to a rehab facility next week.

My relationship with my brother is not good. He resents that he has the bulk of the parent management on his plate - which he knew and we discussed many times over the years when he chose to move there. I reach out to ask what I can do and I do manage a few things for my parents remotely from here. I'm told that the other things that need to be done can't be done remotely. Because he lives there my parents gave him Power of Attorney and for their healthcare. He has a key to their apartment, I do not. I'm not permitted knowledge of their finances, only my brother is.

A couple months ago I received a text telling me he will be going on vacation for 12 days (over school spring break - same as our upcoming school spring break). Nothing else was said, just FYI going on vacation date-date.

A month ago my brother informed me last minute that he and his family were going overseas for 5 days, with the expectation that I come there and take everything on when he's away. This last minute request was ridiculous as we would be flying out of town that weekend for a commitment - it was just assumed I would have to drop everything to accommodate his plans. At that time both parents were in the hospital receiving treatment (not life threatening) and I ended up just doing daily check-ins with the nurses/doctors and then instead of flying home we flew to their state and spent 2 days visiting and checking on them. I provided daily updates to my brother via text. We left the day brother was returning.

Over the past few months he has grown more hostile, he has stopped updating me on their condition or where they even are when they switch facilities. With difficulty, I accepted years ago being told by brother and Mom that my input isn't wanted bc I'm not there and I don't know what I'm talking about. So we visit when we can (3-4x year), communicate regularly with my parents and try to with my brother.

Last night I received a text from my brother saying "So what is your plan with your parents? Are you just done with them or do you intend to be involved?"

This was out of the blue and hot on the heels of me trying to communicate with him two days ago about a problem with my Dad. He just railed at me about the difficulty of dealing with Dad in his condition. He recently told me it's too much work for him to let me know updates about my parents and their condition bc it makes more work for him. He wants it both ways - he doesn't want to coordinate or include me in discussions, just wants to make last minute demands when it suits him.

He followed his text last night by telling me if I wanted to be involved I'd "get my ass up here" That my offers of help are no help at all bc I wouldn't believe all he has to deal with (yeah, bc you won't communicate with me) and everything needs to be done locally.

I suspect this sudden flurry of interest is because of his upcoming caribbean vacation. I asked him if that was the case and he ignored my question. I'm curious - do I get to coordinate when I "get my ass up there" or is the timing is being demanded for when he wants it and I am supposed to just jump and comply.

I have no idea how to respond to this situation. He thinks it's fine to tell me I don't count, that it's too much trouble to involve me but also feels its fine to come at me aggressively bc it suddenly suits him. I've also been told I should relocate up there to help more - which is outrageous, my husband and I have careers here and children.

I have never said I would not help when it was needed. I have come to help in the past. I know he's deals with a lot and his hostility toward me over the past 2 years has been growing. I'm happy with coordinating and helping if we can talk like adults and make a respectful plan in advance. I chose not to respond back to the message because I didn't want to respond with the anger I had last night.

How would you handle this? 
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