DH's angry parenting is ruining our family

[Anonymous]

DH and I have been married for 13 years, with two kids, DS3 and DD6. He has always been a thoughtful and caring husband and until a few years ago we had a fairytale marriage with no stress and very few arguments. Until we had kids. When our first hit the terrible two's my amazing kind husband turned into someone I didn't recognize sometimes. He will get easily irritated and annoyed by our daughter over common little kid discipline issues. (It's always our daughter... our son is a really easygoing kid so far.) He always needs to have the final say and can be sarcastic and demeaning. Worst of all he's physically intimidated her by throwing her things when he's angry, or handling her roughly out of impatience/frustration (like picking her up and moving her roughly if she refuses to move.) He's not like this all the time of course, but when he's angry and annoyed he can't handle it. I've tried so hard to help him come up with strategies and tools to help him parent better, but he never remembers to use them.

Anyways, recently he grabbed my daughter to move her out of the way when he was on the phone and she wouldn't quiet down. It left a red mark on her arm for an hour, which I photographed. I'm not even sure he would have apologized to her afterwards if I hadn't made him. That was a turning point for me and I've realized I've lost the trust and respect and love I've had for him. When he tries to get physically close to me, all I feel is disgust. Who can hurt their own child?

Obviously I am going to require him to get counseling, anger management and also get evaluated for depression and hopefully get on some meds. I am going to keep my daughter safe so that this will never happen again. I am not entertaining the idea of divorce since there's no way I'd let him have 50% custody and not be there to protect my kids. I'm wondering if anyone else has been here and had counseling / meds / intervention work and help your DH become a better parent? Is there any coming back from this? As for the posters who always chime in with "you knew this about him and married him" -- no I did not, there was never any inkling of this kind of behavior before kids. He was even an amazing, playful uncle. I was totally blindsided.

[Anonymous]

DH was like this.

I thought he was going to be the more patient parent because he seemed more patient than I before kids. After kids. Wow. His ugly came out.

Kids are frustrating, and they require so much patience. DH would also get easily frustrated to the point of being physically rough with our DC. He also broke furniture, smashed walls due to his frustrations. I'm sure he was also frustrated with me, but still, I was shocked at the level of his violence.

One time he pushed DC's chair when DC was 2, and DC fell. I picked DC up and took DC to another room. I didn't scream at DH. Instead, I looked at at him with such disappointment in my eyes, and I think that shamed him more. He did apologize to DC.

Over the years, I've had to talk to DH about what type of parent he wants to be, and how he wants his kids to remember him. I'm not a perfect parent. I yell too much. But, my kids aren't afraid of me (even when I yell). I have controlled my yelling recently. Even my 20 yr old DC was impressed that I didn't yell at my 17 yr old when we were arguing about something.

DH has gotten a lot better, too. But, it's taken almost 15 years.

A red mark on the arms that lasts for more than hour is troubling. But, it could also be that your DC's skin is sensitive. I don't know how much pressure your DH used. But, sometimes when a kid is being stubborn and won't move, you do have to pick them up and physically move them.

Some kids are easier than others. Your DC may require more patience, and that's clearly not something your DH is capable of right now. If he's not aware that his parenting style is bad, I don't know how you can convince him to get therapy or meds, for that matter.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Parent class, and anger management course for him.
https://pepparent.org/

Anger Management Group

TUESDAYS, 6:30 – 8 PM, Virtual, Exact Start Date TBD

You are not alone. Our group offers a safe, compassionate, non-blaming space where your experiences are heard as we explore tools for how to manage strong emotions.

Therapeutic interventions & support group focus:

Understanding how anger works in the brain
Understanding personal triggers and sources of anger
Building up a toolbox to help reduce strong emotions

For Registration and Inquires: Call [phone]

[Anonymous]

I was like this; you should discuss his upbringing and share your own philosophy of your parenting style; I suspect the two of you are not “on the same page.” I did the mean thing to enforce “rules” in our home, because what had worked for me as a young person (it’s a bit of a cultural style), and I knew how to read and anticipate what triggered my dad, but that style did not work for my children. My spouse (as the more permissive parent) deferred to me and was effectively absent as a in the consequences part of parenting; we were not on the same page as to our expectations and had not discussed our respective styles and the styles were confusing and contributing to our family dynamic.

With therapy, spouse became more engaged and I became more patient; we discussed working as a team, thus not leaving the full discipline/parenting burden on yours truly.

Discuss with DH his discipline style and yours; work with him so it is team parenting, back each other up. Children pick up very quickly on who is the more permissive parent, and will split the two of you; hence the teamwork…

When my spouse finally stepped up, it took some of the pressure from me to be the “harder” parent.

Your children are still relatively young, tell him he can accomplish more with less stress, by getting down to their level and talking calmly to them.

The repercussion - they will pull away from him, and when they get older, would likely engage in power struggle dynamics…

[Anonymous]

Yikes!
Did you and your husband plan and discus having children?

Can’t believe divorce isn’t an option for a physically violent man who lashes out on his own kids

Is he abusive w you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yikes!
Did you and your husband plan and discus having children?

Can’t believe divorce isn’t an option for a physically violent man who lashes out on his own kids

Is he abusive w you?

I'm a PP whose DH became easily frustrated with our kids.

You don't know what kind of parent you will be until you have kids. It also depends on the kid's temperament. Some kids are easier than others.

And IMO, rough handling your child is not necessarily abusive in the legal sense. IMO breaking up a family over this incident (or a few others) without trying to work on your parenting is not the answer.

[Anonymous]

My dad was like this but worse. I lost respect for him for not having control of his temper and grew up physically afraid of him. In my late 20's I asked him (in front of a therapist) if he realized I grew up terrified he'd kill me. It kind of sobered him up to know how deeply afraid of him I spent my life.

Maybe your husband can get better before your daughter feels this way about him.

[Anonymous]

You don't know what kind of parent you will be until you have kids.

Not if you foster kids. You won't expect to be exactly the same parent, but you'll have a better idea.

[Anonymous]

What was the purpose in taking a photo? Who were you going to show it to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What was the purpose in taking a photo? Who were you going to show it to?

Collecting evidence in these situations is smart. If it doesn’t continue, it’s fine. If it does continue or it escalates, you’ll be glad you documented.

[Anonymous]

It's anxiety, OP. Insist that he get treatment for that.

[Anonymous]

You can't make him get counseling or anger management. You can't even keep him from doing this again. The leverage you have is leaving, which you're ruling out the possibility of. Beyond that, you can certainly ask him to do things, but if he doesn't think he did anything wrong, he's probably not going to agree and stick to it.

[Anonymous]

I am ashamed to say I was a bit like you described. In my case, I was raised in a physically abusive household and didn’t realize that yelling wasn’t better than beatings. The day I realized it, I did everything I could to change. I loved my kids and wanted to be the dad I never had, thankfully I realized it before it was too late.

The biggest thing my therapist helped me realize is that I didn’t communicate openly with my wife about our relationship. I collected and stacked frustrations until I exploded, apologized and hated myself for being a failure at home. Once I started telling my wife when I felt disrespected, unappreciated and unimportant in real-time, it became a lot easier to regulate my responses to everything in life.

I am ashamed of how I was sometimes, but I love who I am for my kids now and am grateful that I had a great therapist to help me become the man I am today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You don't know what kind of parent you will be until you have kids.

Not if you foster kids. You won't expect to be exactly the same parent, but you'll have a better idea.

Foster parents are parents, so they also don’t know how they will be until they become parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What was the purpose in taking a photo? Who were you going to show it to?

Collecting evidence in these situations is smart. If it doesn’t continue, it’s fine. If it does continue or it escalates, you’ll be glad you documented.

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