DH's angry parenting is ruining our family
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Anonymous
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Sorry. Your husband’s behavior is inexcusable and a complete turn off.
Since divorce isn’t an option. Best of luck to you and your kids |
Anonymous
As both a parent and a foster parent, I can say that at least for me, they are entirely different experiences. |
Anonymous
Is this a real suggestion? We're talking about humans here, not a dog. |
Anonymous
| He’s doing it because he feels out of control and doesn’t know what to do. You should both go to parenting classes so 1) there’s a plan when there’s difficult behavior and 2) so you’re on the same page/using the same tactics and language while parenting. |
Anonymous
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My husband was like this a bit although not as bad as you described since he was never physically rough with our kids. I did a lot of stepping in and handling as much of the discipline as possible when things were the worst (for us during the pandemic, we were all really struggling). I have told him many times that if he is behaving in a way that is not acceptable to me I will step in and he can go cool off and he is welcome to do the same for me (which has happened, maybe twice? I am incredibly triggered by behaviors by my oldest towards my younger child, but I don’t let myself off the hook when I do get to the point of yelling, I always apologize and try to do better). To his credit he basically accepted that and eventually realized the kids generally listened to me more than him and changed a lot over time. We did parent training together and that was very helpful. But I hear you about how it changes your feelings towards him. I could not bring myself to be intimate with him for a while when he was yelling at the kids. How can you be attracted to someone who is screaming at a child? I can’t.
I think for men who have generally had an easy time of things and have a somewhat high powered job it’s the first time they’ve really encountered this dynamic of a little person who should listen to them but doesn’t. And they react very poorly sometimes. It was a shock to me too but he really has come a long way, though when he’s stressed about other things it creeps back and I have step back in a bit more. The other possibility is your husband had a very bad childhood in ways he’s too embarrassed or doesn’t understand enough to explain. I did not realize until long after our first child was born how messed up my ILs parenting was in some ways. Lots of silent treatment and big tantrums by his mom so his dad was always trying to get the kids to keep happy. She never did that stuff in front of me until she got more comfortable and I actually think she has been trying to do better since the grandkids were born. None of it is an excuse but sometimes it helps me to reflect that he is fighting against some pretty bad default settings of parenting he saw growing up. |
Anonymous
They’ll “have a better idea” |
Anonymous
In your experience, is fostering the same as not fostering? Which if the two experiences gives you a better idea of what being a parent is like? |
Anonymous
Boy, what a silly and unhelpful answer. These divorce-your-dh nutjobs never appreciate that marriage, family, and parenting is not always a walk in the park; husbands and wives are also learning, growing, through the years, and bring their experiences to a relationship. Alas, even ans andults, we are not always perfect. Throwing “divorce” on the table every time there is a relationship challenge, is not helpful for creating and sustaining healthy relationships. Presumaly, if you married someone, it was to live a life together, through the ups and downs of love… PP, if everything in your life is so disposable, you are simply a fair-weather friend. Be gone with you… |
Anonymous
I attended the PEP class on anger management and it was eye-opening. I was there because I had gotten angry at my 2-3 year old and I felt pretty conflicted about it. I think it was a three-class series. Along the way, more than half my classmates said things along the way that made it clear that they had been court-ordered to attend (including the guy who tried to "break the ice" in class by asking us to have a "really honest" conversation about what kind of hitting your kids was acceptable. The instructor handled it with tact. OP, this class is an excellent idea for your husband. If he is leaving a mark on a child, IMO he is on a path that is going to lead him there eventually anyway. |
Anonymous
NP. +10000000000 |
Anonymous
Oh, get a grip.... |
Anonymous
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OP, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this issue right now. 😨
It is sad that you feel that if you left your husband then he could end up w/shared custody since it is very clear that he does not know how to constructively discipline children. You are right in that your husband needs to seek help for his issues - - therapy, anger-management ➕ possible medication. He may also benefit from a parenting class as well. I wish your family only the best. |
Anonymous
“Worst of all he's physically intimidated her by throwing her things when he's angry, or handling her roughly out of impatience/frustration (like picking her up and moving her roughly if she refuses to move” Ma’am OPs husbands actions w his daughter are FAR from a relationship issue. However, you do you. |
Anonymous
Maybe I am a “divorce your DH nut job” but anyone who physically harms my child is a deal breaker. Why is it ok / acceptable to divorce if your spouse betrays you by cheating, but not ok if they betray your child, who you are supposed to protect at all costs, by harming them? I had a very difficult, stubborn child who has recently been diagnosed with Autism and there has never, ever been a situation where hurting them like some of these pps described was justified. If anyone, including my DH, left marks on my child, smashed furniture, hit walls, kicked their chair! Or threw things at them, I would call the police. Document what is happening, get a good lawyer, and fight like hell for them. |
Anonymous
lol; so “relationship issues” are just the silly rom-coms where everyone drinks cocoa at the end of the movie? Welcome to real life; relationships and family dynamics are messy. Perhaps divorce may eventually be on the table, but in the meantime supporting one another and working together to find solutions and healing is more constructive than your simple minded recommendation; but hey, you do you… |