Wwyd re father in law

[Anonymous]

Father in law just visited us. Mother in law is not in the picture. He never once asked any of us how we are doing and barely spoke to my daughter. He only monologued about his successful business career and retirement. He has plenty of money. He never even offered to pay or help us with meals. He left yesterday and literally cleaned out our fridge, taking a bunch of fruit and sodas. I am so frustrated. I got a text thank you. That’s it. I never want to see that awful man again.

[Anonymous]

Take a breath. Calculate the entire value of the food items. Put a dollar amount on that

then put a dollar amount on other products and services in your life. You will see this is not a big problem

You are a big boy/ girl —whatever you are (Poster did not describe a bio).

[Anonymous]

What do you mean, "what would you do?" He left. What is there to do?

Is your daughter his grandaughter?

Why are you expecting him to pay for things when you are the host?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Father in law just visited us. Mother in law is not in the picture. He never once asked any of us how we are doing and barely spoke to my daughter. He only monologued about his successful business career and retirement. He has plenty of money. He never even offered to pay or help us with meals. He left yesterday and literally cleaned out our fridge, taking a bunch of fruit and sodas. I am so frustrated. I got a text thank you. That’s it. I never want to see that awful man again.

Ok??? Yes, OP. YATA.
- He is just one person and he did not break any social norms of being a good guest.
- He ate food at your house. Like all guests do.
- He took some soda and fruit for his journey back. Instead of asking you to make him a packed lunch.
- He talked about his life. Great! He did not criticize you or was not nosy about you. He also did not discuss politics.

So mainly you are a greedy money-grubber and you are upset that he did not give you any money.

[Anonymous]

What would I do? I’d take an evening to de-stress and treat myself. I’d probably change into my worn-out comfy clothes, order a pizza, and pick out something to watch on TV.

In the future, knowing he won’t pay or help with meals, I’d keep things as simple as possible. It sounds like you were trying to impress someone who was too wrapped up in themselves to take notice. Next time, don’t bother. He can join you for spaghetti, tacos, sandwiches, whatever you feel like serving. You can also ask him to help. He’ll either pitch in as requested or it will disincentivize him from future visits - win/win. You might even consider suggesting he’d be more comfortable in a hotel.

My MIL used to spend a significant portion of her visits trying to make me into a better wife. On various visits she:

Decided I needed to start a flower garden. It was in the middle of the summer.

Brought a pecan tart recipe for me to make for her (I don’t like pecans) and demonstrated using a sharp knife to release them from my non-stick muffin pan, scratching the coating

Rearranged my linen closet so she could move some of the games from the games closet to my linen shelves

Reorganized my kitchen utensils by moving my cooking spoons, spatulas, etc., from the drawer I kept them in to standing them in the dirty vase behind the sink.

When we first married and were living in NON-SMOKING apartments she argued with us about not allowing her to smoke on the balcony, even though it violated our lease.

Visiting her was worse.

Every family has its issues and visits can be stressful, but unless there is actual harm done, I think supporting those bonds is important. Actual abuse should never be tolerated, but occasional bad manners can usually be endured and/or managed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean, "what would you do?" He left. What is there to do?

Is your daughter his grandaughter?

Why are you expecting him to pay for things when you are the host?

Daughter is granddaughter.

Yes I expect people to make an attempt to at least help when they’re staying with me. I expect at least a lukewarm attempt to pay the bill.

I do not expect someone to clean out a fridge and take with them sodas and snacks. They’re flying so not sure what ended up with these items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would I do? I’d take an evening to de-stress and treat myself. I’d probably change into my worn-out comfy clothes, order a pizza, and pick out something to watch on TV.

In the future, knowing he won’t pay or help with meals, I’d keep things as simple as possible. It sounds like you were trying to impress someone who was too wrapped up in themselves to take notice. Next time, don’t bother. He can join you for spaghetti, tacos, sandwiches, whatever you feel like serving. You can also ask him to help. He’ll either pitch in as requested or it will disincentivize him from future visits - win/win. You might even consider suggesting he’d be more comfortable in a hotel.

My MIL used to spend a significant portion of her visits trying to make me into a better wife. On various visits she:

Decided I needed to start a flower garden. It was in the middle of the summer.

Brought a pecan tart recipe for me to make for her (I don’t like pecans) and demonstrated using a sharp knife to release them from my non-stick muffin pan, scratching the coating

Rearranged my linen closet so she could move some of the games from the games closet to my linen shelves

Reorganized my kitchen utensils by moving my cooking spoons, spatulas, etc., from the drawer I kept them in to standing them in the dirty vase behind the sink.

When we first married and were living in NON-SMOKING apartments she argued with us about not allowing her to smoke on the balcony, even though it violated our lease.

Visiting her was worse.

Every family has its issues and visits can be stressful, but unless there is actual harm done, I think supporting those bonds is important. Actual abuse should never be tolerated, but occasional bad manners can usually be endured and/or managed.

Thanks for this thoughtful response. I’m just super annoyed because I feel like no one got anything out of this visit. Father in law got an all you can eat resort holiday and the rest of us got to cater to someone who never asked once how we were doing. Coupled with this was the fact we all had severe health issues and employment issues this year. Didn’t inquire once.

[Anonymous]

Where is your husband? That's his father -- take up your issues about your FIL with him.

Why did you expect to pay for anything?

[Anonymous]

What did your spouse say when you raised these concerns about their parent's visit?

[Anonymous]

OP, get over it. As in law problem visits go, this would sounds pretty mild.

SO you're out some food and you did not get to vent about your problems to him.

Roll your eyes and move on.

[Anonymous]

Did you speak up at the time? Did you encourage your daughter to have a conversation with her grandfather? ( Is she little? Is she a teenager? If she’s little she might not have much to say to an old man if she’s a teenager is she with her head buried in her phone the whole time?)

How many sodas and how much fruit are we talking about a 12 pack or two cans? A couple oranges or 10 apples?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Where is your husband? That's his father -- take up your issues about your FIL with him.

Why did you expect to pay for anything?

Because normal people offer to pay for dinner. Especially well off parents. Especially when their children had serious stress about their job this year.

If you’re visiting a home for a week you should offer to pay for dinner at least once. The offer part is the important part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did your spouse say when you raised these concerns about their parent's visit?

Mostly just felt sad.

[Anonymous]

OP what do your parents pay for when they visit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would I do? I’d take an evening to de-stress and treat myself. I’d probably change into my worn-out comfy clothes, order a pizza, and pick out something to watch on TV.

In the future, knowing he won’t pay or help with meals, I’d keep things as simple as possible. It sounds like you were trying to impress someone who was too wrapped up in themselves to take notice. Next time, don’t bother. He can join you for spaghetti, tacos, sandwiches, whatever you feel like serving. You can also ask him to help. He’ll either pitch in as requested or it will disincentivize him from future visits - win/win. You might even consider suggesting he’d be more comfortable in a hotel.

My MIL used to spend a significant portion of her visits trying to make me into a better wife. On various visits she:

Decided I needed to start a flower garden. It was in the middle of the summer.

Brought a pecan tart recipe for me to make for her (I don’t like pecans) and demonstrated using a sharp knife to release them from my non-stick muffin pan, scratching the coating

Rearranged my linen closet so she could move some of the games from the games closet to my linen shelves

Reorganized my kitchen utensils by moving my cooking spoons, spatulas, etc., from the drawer I kept them in to standing them in the dirty vase behind the sink.

When we first married and were living in NON-SMOKING apartments she argued with us about not allowing her to smoke on the balcony, even though it violated our lease.

Visiting her was worse.

Every family has its issues and visits can be stressful, but unless there is actual harm done, I think supporting those bonds is important. Actual abuse should never be tolerated, but occasional bad manners can usually be endured and/or managed.

Thanks for this thoughtful response. I’m just super annoyed because I feel like no one got anything out of this visit. Father in law got an all you can eat resort holiday and the rest of us got to cater to someone who never asked once how we were doing. Coupled with this was the fact we all had severe health issues and employment issues this year. Didn’t inquire once.

Do you think he's neurodivergent? Although now I'm thinking about it, my husband and son, who are both on the spectrum, would have inquired about your troubles automatically because they've been told that this is the rule. They obey rules. Your FIL does sound quite unpleasant. I hope you don't feel obligated to host him often!