Wwyd re father in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Father in law just visited us. Mother in law is not in the picture. He never once asked any of us how we are doing and barely spoke to my daughter. He only monologued about his successful business career and retirement. He has plenty of money. He never even offered to pay or help us with meals. He left yesterday and literally cleaned out our fridge, taking a bunch of fruit and sodas. I am so frustrated. I got a text thank you. That’s it. I never want to see that awful man again.

I never understand these posts. Why didn't YOU control things? "Oh Bob, that fruit is actually for Haley's lunches this week. I can give you a banana for the plane if you want." "Wow, I'm glad you're enjoying your retirement. Listen to what Haley's presentation is about next week - she can practice it for you!" "We're having stir fry tonight to use up the remaining vegetables before they go bad. I know you mentioned wanting to go out to a steakhouse, but that's just not in our budget. Don't worry - Brian's stirfry is very flavorful!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you speak up at the time? Did you encourage your daughter to have a conversation with her grandfather? ( Is she little? Is she a teenager? If she’s little she might not have much to say to an old man if she’s a teenager is she with her head buried in her phone the whole time?)

How many sodas and how much fruit are we talking about a 12 pack or two cans? A couple oranges or 10 apples?

Yes i definitely did and scheduled activities for the grandparents and grandchildren to do alone. And the grandpa made a half hearted attempt and went back to doomscrolling Facebook. She’s a teenager and doesn’t own a phone. She ended up ice skating by herself.

Re sodas- I’m talking at least 12-15 sodas. No clue what he did with them when he arrived at the airport.

Re fruit- I’m talking an entire unopened container of cut fruit from Costco and an entire blueberry container from Costco. An entire family pack of chips from Costco. An entire family bag of mandarins. I don’t even know how he stashed it in his luggage.

You wanted him to ice skate? I don’t think the food or anything else you mentioned is a big deal. You can talk to him about your lives even if he didn’t explicitly ask.

[Anonymous]

wait. how do you know he took the snacks if you weren't there? maybe your kids took them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was this the first time you met and interacted with this man? And no, normally family doesn't pay for meals when they visit. My parents or ILs never do. Neither do we when we visit and stay with them. We don't see them so often that this would be a problem and we mostly have homecooked meals anyway. Paying is normally for friends, who you rarely see and feel that it's appropriate to chip in when you stay in their house.

I’m glad you don’t see it as a problem but I do. I think it’s so bizarre to go to someone’s house and never offer to pay for anything. I also think it’s bizarre to insist on particular restaurants, order the most expensive things on the menu and never bother to chip in. Sorry that’s rude especially if I had to hear how he was such a corporate hotshot and retired “rolling in dough”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wait. how do you know he took the snacks if you weren't there? maybe your kids took them?

I asked my kids and there is no way they would take that many sodas to school. I know exactly how many sodas there were in that fridge because I restocked it the night before. I was the first person home after he left and the food and soda was completely gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you speak up at the time? Did you encourage your daughter to have a conversation with her grandfather? ( Is she little? Is she a teenager? If she’s little she might not have much to say to an old man if she’s a teenager is she with her head buried in her phone the whole time?)

How many sodas and how much fruit are we talking about a 12 pack or two cans? A couple oranges or 10 apples?

Yes i definitely did and scheduled activities for the grandparents and grandchildren to do alone. And the grandpa made a half hearted attempt and went back to doomscrolling Facebook. She’s a teenager and doesn’t own a phone. She ended up ice skating by herself.

Re sodas- I’m talking at least 12-15 sodas. No clue what he did with them when he arrived at the airport.

Re fruit- I’m talking an entire unopened container of cut fruit from Costco and an entire blueberry container from Costco. An entire family pack of chips from Costco. An entire family bag of mandarins. I don’t even know how he stashed it in his luggage.

You wanted him to ice skate? I don’t think the food or anything else you mentioned is a big deal. You can talk to him about your lives even if he didn’t explicitly ask.

No because when we did talk about our lives he would change the subject right away back to his monologue.

[Anonymous]

How old is your FIL? When did you last see him? Is he acting differently from the last time? Does your DH have any siblings that have visited with the father? The taking of the food when he is getting on an airplane is odd behavior. I wouldn’t be mad, I would be worried about his mental health/cognitive decline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Father in law just visited us. Mother in law is not in the picture. He never once asked any of us how we are doing and barely spoke to my daughter. He only monologued about his successful business career and retirement. He has plenty of money. He never even offered to pay or help us with meals. He left yesterday and literally cleaned out our fridge, taking a bunch of fruit and sodas. I am so frustrated. I got a text thank you. That’s it. I never want to see that awful man again.

I never understand these posts. Why didn't YOU control things? "Oh Bob, that fruit is actually for Haley's lunches this week. I can give you a banana for the plane if you want." "Wow, I'm glad you're enjoying your retirement. Listen to what Haley's presentation is about next week - she can practice it for you!" "We're having stir fry tonight to use up the remaining vegetables before they go bad. I know you mentioned wanting to go out to a steakhouse, but that's just not in our budget. Don't worry - Brian's stirfry is very flavorful!"

He stole all that food when we had left the house. It’s explained above. When I returned I saw what he had done. We did what you suggested and he would half heartedly speak to the kids and then say he had to “check his email”. We did actually say things like “sure we would love to go to xyc pricey restaurant but remember how we were furloughed?” Also note that I did not say “help yourself” once since I know his gluttonous nature. Instead when he’d insist on a long list of good items to be purchased for him I would say we are on a tight budget, can we substitute berries for apples? Btw his answer was no

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this the first time you met and interacted with this man? And no, normally family doesn't pay for meals when they visit. My parents or ILs never do. Neither do we when we visit and stay with them. We don't see them so often that this would be a problem and we mostly have homecooked meals anyway. Paying is normally for friends, who you rarely see and feel that it's appropriate to chip in when you stay in their house.

I’m glad you don’t see it as a problem but I do. I think it’s so bizarre to go to someone’s house and never offer to pay for anything. I also think it’s bizarre to insist on particular restaurants, order the most expensive things on the menu and never bother to chip in. Sorry that’s rude especially if I had to hear how he was such a corporate hotshot and retired “rolling in dough”.

NP. Why didn't you use your words? "Sorry, we can't afford that restaurant." "Sorry, we can only afford to go out once this month."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wait. how do you know he took the snacks if you weren't there? maybe your kids took them?

I asked my kids and there is no way they would take that many sodas to school. I know exactly how many sodas there were in that fridge because I restocked it the night before. I was the first person home after he left and the food and soda was completely gone.

You didn't see your guest off? What kind of host does that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your FIL? When did you last see him? Is he acting differently from the last time? Does your DH have any siblings that have visited with the father? The taking of the food when he is getting on an airplane is odd behavior. I wouldn’t be mad, I would be worried about his mental health/cognitive decline.

He’s not that old but past retirement age. He always acts like this but has gotten weirder and weirder about food as he ages. DH has siblings but they do not get along with FIL at all (gee, wonder why?). I guess I could be worried about him but I’m mostly just mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wait. how do you know he took the snacks if you weren't there? maybe your kids took them?

I asked my kids and there is no way they would take that many sodas to school. I know exactly how many sodas there were in that fridge because I restocked it the night before. I was the first person home after he left and the food and soda was completely gone.

You didn't see your guest off? What kind of host does that?

Someone that has a tenuous hold on their job and took time off from work to listen to someone blather on about business deals from the early 2000s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was this the first time you met and interacted with this man? And no, normally family doesn't pay for meals when they visit. My parents or ILs never do. Neither do we when we visit and stay with them. We don't see them so often that this would be a problem and we mostly have homecooked meals anyway. Paying is normally for friends, who you rarely see and feel that it's appropriate to chip in when you stay in their house.

I’m glad you don’t see it as a problem but I do. I think it’s so bizarre to go to someone’s house and never offer to pay for anything. I also think it’s bizarre to insist on particular restaurants, order the most expensive things on the menu and never bother to chip in. Sorry that’s rude especially if I had to hear how he was such a corporate hotshot and retired “rolling in dough”.

NP. Why didn't you use your words? "Sorry, we can't afford that restaurant." "Sorry, we can only afford to go out once this month."

I did the frustration here is that he doesn’t listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wait. how do you know he took the snacks if you weren't there? maybe your kids took them?

I asked my kids and there is no way they would take that many sodas to school. I know exactly how many sodas there were in that fridge because I restocked it the night before. I was the first person home after he left and the food and soda was completely gone.

You didn't see your guest off? What kind of host does that?

Someone that has a tenuous hold on their job and took time off from work to listen to someone blather on about business deals from the early 2000s.

Do people like up downtown abbey style to say farewell to someone when they decided to take a midday flight on a Wednesday? No sorry I already took off enough time and am not taking an extra half day for someone who couldn’t be bothered to ask me if I had recovered from surgery or was doing ok at work given my recent troubles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Father in law just visited us. Mother in law is not in the picture. He never once asked any of us how we are doing and barely spoke to my daughter. He only monologued about his successful business career and retirement. He has plenty of money. He never even offered to pay or help us with meals. He left yesterday and literally cleaned out our fridge, taking a bunch of fruit and sodas. I am so frustrated. I got a text thank you. That’s it. I never want to see that awful man again.

I never understand these posts. Why didn't YOU control things? "Oh Bob, that fruit is actually for Haley's lunches this week. I can give you a banana for the plane if you want." "Wow, I'm glad you're enjoying your retirement. Listen to what Haley's presentation is about next week - she can practice it for you!" "We're having stir fry tonight to use up the remaining vegetables before they go bad. I know you mentioned wanting to go out to a steakhouse, but that's just not in our budget. Don't worry - Brian's stirfry is very flavorful!"

He stole all that food when we had left the house. It’s explained above. When I returned I saw what he had done. We did what you suggested and he would half heartedly speak to the kids and then say he had to “check his email”. We did actually say things like “sure we would love to go to xyc pricey restaurant but remember how we were furloughed?” Also note that I did not say “help yourself” once since I know his gluttonous nature. Instead when he’d insist on a long list of good items to be purchased for him I would say we are on a tight budget, can we substitute berries for apples? Btw his answer was no

You need to learn to communicate better. You don't ASK if you can substitute when you can't afford. You TELL. "We can't afford those berries so we got you apples." "I know you want caviar and Grey Poupon but we were furloughed and can't afford things like that." Use your words.