Wwyd re father in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you speak up at the time? Did you encourage your daughter to have a conversation with her grandfather? ( Is she little? Is she a teenager? If she’s little she might not have much to say to an old man if she’s a teenager is she with her head buried in her phone the whole time?)

How many sodas and how much fruit are we talking about a 12 pack or two cans? A couple oranges or 10 apples?

Yes i definitely did and scheduled activities for the grandparents and grandchildren to do alone. And the grandpa made a half hearted attempt and went back to doomscrolling Facebook. She’s a teenager and doesn’t own a phone. She ended up ice skating by herself.

Re sodas- I’m talking at least 12-15 sodas. No clue what he did with them when he arrived at the airport.

Re fruit- I’m talking an entire unopened container of cut fruit from Costco and an entire blueberry container from Costco. An entire family pack of chips from Costco. An entire family bag of mandarins. I don’t even know how he stashed it in his luggage.

[Anonymous]

This is my dad — except for the weird taking your food part. Honestly, we just see him for very limited doses of time. He likes to tell stories in which he is always the hero. He knows virtually nothing about our lives. He might ask my daughter a few questions. My husband and my sister’s husband joke around about my dad never picking up the check.

Honestly, it is fine because he lives close enough that he doesn’t spend the night. If he had to do that, I could manage a few days and so could my husband. At this point, he is an old man with a lot of health issues and who really cares about his ridiculous stories of how amazing he was at sports, his career, etc. They are boring at this point because I’ve heard them a million times.

[Anonymous]

good lord, op.

ice skating with an old man?? that's a recipe for disaster. you want him breaking his hip and winding up convalescing at your house for months?

and the food thing is weird. he may be sliding into dementia.

stop expecting it to be all about your needs and your kids needs. He's old. just put up with his boorish visits and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would I do? I’d take an evening to de-stress and treat myself. I’d probably change into my worn-out comfy clothes, order a pizza, and pick out something to watch on TV.

In the future, knowing he won’t pay or help with meals, I’d keep things as simple as possible. It sounds like you were trying to impress someone who was too wrapped up in themselves to take notice. Next time, don’t bother. He can join you for spaghetti, tacos, sandwiches, whatever you feel like serving. You can also ask him to help. He’ll either pitch in as requested or it will disincentivize him from future visits - win/win. You might even consider suggesting he’d be more comfortable in a hotel.

My MIL used to spend a significant portion of her visits trying to make me into a better wife. On various visits she:

Decided I needed to start a flower garden. It was in the middle of the summer.

Brought a pecan tart recipe for me to make for her (I don’t like pecans) and demonstrated using a sharp knife to release them from my non-stick muffin pan, scratching the coating

Rearranged my linen closet so she could move some of the games from the games closet to my linen shelves

Reorganized my kitchen utensils by moving my cooking spoons, spatulas, etc., from the drawer I kept them in to standing them in the dirty vase behind the sink.

When we first married and were living in NON-SMOKING apartments she argued with us about not allowing her to smoke on the balcony, even though it violated our lease.

Visiting her was worse.

Every family has its issues and visits can be stressful, but unless there is actual harm done, I think supporting those bonds is important. Actual abuse should never be tolerated, but occasional bad manners can usually be endured and/or managed.

Thanks for this thoughtful response. I’m just super annoyed because I feel like no one got anything out of this visit. Father in law got an all you can eat resort holiday and the rest of us got to cater to someone who never asked once how we were doing. Coupled with this was the fact we all had severe health issues and employment issues this year. Didn’t inquire once.

Do you think he's neurodivergent? Although now I'm thinking about it, my husband and son, who are both on the spectrum, would have inquired about your troubles automatically because they've been told that this is the rule. They obey rules. Your FIL does sound quite unpleasant. I hope you don't feel obligated to host him often!

Thank you for this super thoughtful post. Yes we all suspect FIL is autistic. Thanks for the support. He is just unpleasant. My husband had a serious medical situation this year and was so sad that his father didn’t even ask about it and changed the subject quickly when he brought it up. It’s very hard to deal with someone who just seems totally uninterested in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:good lord, op.

ice skating with an old man?? that's a recipe for disaster. you want him breaking his hip and winding up convalescing at your house for months?

and the food thing is weird. he may be sliding into dementia.

stop expecting it to be all about your needs and your kids needs. He's old. just put up with his boorish visits and move on.

He’s extremely fit and healthy and ice skating was his idea. I also thought it was weird but it’s a small rink so? He also acted like a total weirdo when we decorated the tree. Ate all of the cookies except for 2 or three and then doom scrolled.

[Anonymous]

I’m the person whose dad is like this and I think one of your mistakes is trying to schedule time for activities thinking granddad is going to be some active participant. And ice skating seems like a particularly bizarre choice unless he was a hockey player who still skates frequently.

Teens and grandparents are often not a great mix. This is fairly normal for them not to have much in common. Trying to force it doesn’t make it better for anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my dad — except for the weird taking your food part. Honestly, we just see him for very limited doses of time. He likes to tell stories in which he is always the hero. He knows virtually nothing about our lives. He might ask my daughter a few questions. My husband and my sister’s husband joke around about my dad never picking up the check.

Honestly, it is fine because he lives close enough that he doesn’t spend the night. If he had to do that, I could manage a few days and so could my husband. At this point, he is an old man with a lot of health issues and who really cares about his ridiculous stories of how amazing he was at sports, his career, etc. They are boring at this point because I’ve heard them a million times.

This is so on target. I would be fine if this was just a two or three day visit. But anything longer just depresses all of us. No we don’t want to sit silently at dinner while you drone on about your corporate wins from the job you retired from years ago. He didn’t ask a single question about our employment issues and the fact that we had zero income coming in for several weeks. I’m just tired. And I’m mad that I have to go grocery shopping again to replace all the food he stole.

[Anonymous]

Now I see your follow up, if you think your FIL is autistic you need to dial your expectations way, way back. My dad is just a jerk — not neurodivergent.

[Anonymous]

Was this the first time you met and interacted with this man? And no, normally family doesn't pay for meals when they visit. My parents or ILs never do. Neither do we when we visit and stay with them. We don't see them so often that this would be a problem and we mostly have homecooked meals anyway. Paying is normally for friends, who you rarely see and feel that it's appropriate to chip in when you stay in their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you speak up at the time? Did you encourage your daughter to have a conversation with her grandfather? ( Is she little? Is she a teenager? If she’s little she might not have much to say to an old man if she’s a teenager is she with her head buried in her phone the whole time?)

How many sodas and how much fruit are we talking about a 12 pack or two cans? A couple oranges or 10 apples?

Yes i definitely did and scheduled activities for the grandparents and grandchildren to do alone. And the grandpa made a half hearted attempt and went back to doomscrolling Facebook. She’s a teenager and doesn’t own a phone. She ended up ice skating by herself.

Re sodas- I’m talking at least 12-15 sodas. No clue what he did with them when he arrived at the airport.

Re fruit- I’m talking an entire unopened container of cut fruit from Costco and an entire blueberry container from Costco. An entire family pack of chips from Costco. An entire family bag of mandarins. I don’t even know how he stashed it in his luggage.

That’s a lot of fruit and soda to take but You should’ve spoken up on the spot about it on the spot.

You know what is on you. Ice-skating! That is crazy. He is old. They can break a hip bone and die.😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the person whose dad is like this and I think one of your mistakes is trying to schedule time for activities thinking granddad is going to be some active participant. And ice skating seems like a particularly bizarre choice unless he was a hockey player who still skates frequently.

Teens and grandparents are often not a great mix. This is fairly normal for them not to have much in common. Trying to force it doesn’t make it better for anyone.

He skates regularly, it was his choice. We also had family game night and movie night and tree decorating time etc. I was most upset about the ice skating because it wasn’t cheap, ye didn’t pay for anything, and he left early to sit behind his phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you speak up at the time? Did you encourage your daughter to have a conversation with her grandfather? ( Is she little? Is she a teenager? If she’s little she might not have much to say to an old man if she’s a teenager is she with her head buried in her phone the whole time?)

How many sodas and how much fruit are we talking about a 12 pack or two cans? A couple oranges or 10 apples?

Yes i definitely did and scheduled activities for the grandparents and grandchildren to do alone. And the grandpa made a half hearted attempt and went back to doomscrolling Facebook. She’s a teenager and doesn’t own a phone. She ended up ice skating by herself.

Re sodas- I’m talking at least 12-15 sodas. No clue what he did with them when he arrived at the airport.

Re fruit- I’m talking an entire unopened container of cut fruit from Costco and an entire blueberry container from Costco. An entire family pack of chips from Costco. An entire family bag of mandarins. I don’t even know how he stashed it in his luggage.

That’s a lot of fruit and soda to take but You should’ve spoken up on the spot about it on the spot.

You know what is on you. Ice-skating! That is crazy. He is old. They can break a hip bone and die.😂

Saw your follow up after I posted. If ice skating was his idea then he was lame to suggest it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you speak up at the time? Did you encourage your daughter to have a conversation with her grandfather? ( Is she little? Is she a teenager? If she’s little she might not have much to say to an old man if she’s a teenager is she with her head buried in her phone the whole time?)

How many sodas and how much fruit are we talking about a 12 pack or two cans? A couple oranges or 10 apples?

Yes i definitely did and scheduled activities for the grandparents and grandchildren to do alone. And the grandpa made a half hearted attempt and went back to doomscrolling Facebook. She’s a teenager and doesn’t own a phone. She ended up ice skating by herself.

Re sodas- I’m talking at least 12-15 sodas. No clue what he did with them when he arrived at the airport.

Re fruit- I’m talking an entire unopened container of cut fruit from Costco and an entire blueberry container from Costco. An entire family pack of chips from Costco. An entire family bag of mandarins. I don’t even know how he stashed it in his luggage.

That’s a lot of fruit and soda to take but You should’ve spoken up on the spot about it on the spot.

You know what is on you. Ice-skating! That is crazy. He is old. They can break a hip bone and die.😂

He stole all the food while we were at work. He left the house after we left for work and droppped the keys in the mail slot. I’m pretty sure he stole a bunch of granola bars and cookies too but the fresh fruit and soda were the most glaring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you speak up at the time? Did you encourage your daughter to have a conversation with her grandfather? ( Is she little? Is she a teenager? If she’s little she might not have much to say to an old man if she’s a teenager is she with her head buried in her phone the whole time?)

How many sodas and how much fruit are we talking about a 12 pack or two cans? A couple oranges or 10 apples?

Yes i definitely did and scheduled activities for the grandparents and grandchildren to do alone. And the grandpa made a half hearted attempt and went back to doomscrolling Facebook. She’s a teenager and doesn’t own a phone. She ended up ice skating by herself.

Re sodas- I’m talking at least 12-15 sodas. No clue what he did with them when he arrived at the airport.

Re fruit- I’m talking an entire unopened container of cut fruit from Costco and an entire blueberry container from Costco. An entire family pack of chips from Costco. An entire family bag of mandarins. I don’t even know how he stashed it in his luggage.

That’s a lot of fruit and soda to take but You should’ve spoken up on the spot about it on the spot.

You know what is on you. Ice-skating! That is crazy. He is old. They can break a hip bone and die.😂

Saw your follow up after I posted. If ice skating was his idea then he was lame to suggest it.

[Anonymous]

Your FIL sounds exactly like my dad, except now my dad brings his new wife and her wacky medical hocus pocus nonsense. I have just accepted that this is what I put up with to have a relationship with him, and the relationship has gotten less and less close every year since my mom died (also when he moved farther away from all of his grandchildren). But it doesn’t upset me anymore because he is 75 and isn’t going to change. Time and radical acceptance.