Porn addiction, whole marriage a lie
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Anonymous
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I'm posting here because I'm too embarrassed to talk about this with anyone in real life yet, and I need some perspective.
I recently discovered that my husband of 10 years has had a porn addiction most of his life, and has spent about 50k on his addiction over the last 4 years. Part of that amount is interest accumulated through various credit cards that he could not pay back without me noticing. He ruined his credit completely because he eventually could not pay anything. I only found out because I applied for a credit card (for the sign on bonus) on his behalf (with his permission) and was rejected immediately. I thought that was odd and had him run credit karma. He then acts totally surprised at his horrible credit score, claims he has no idea why there are credit card charge offs. He concocts a whole story that someone had stolen his identity and used these cards without his knowledge. I totally believed him and we had a plan in place to dispute the charges but then every step of the way, he would drag his feet. He made up stories of calling the credit cards and initiate an investigation, blamed the credit card companies for not sending the old statements on time etc. He only came clean when the inconsistencies were starting to add up and I knew something was really off. My emotions have been all over the place this past week. Some days I feel like we can be ok, other days I feel like I want to get away from him as soon as possible. I don't think I can ever trust him again. It is traumatic to me to even think about how easily he lied to my face over and over again. There are other details about the last years of our lives that are now making sense. We did not have a great marriage the last few years and I think on some level he feels justified to escape to porn instead of living in our reality and addressing issues. I have told him over and over throughout the years that I am not happy, and he only ever made half hearted attempts and always said he is happy. I also cannot get over that he lied about this when we were dating. He was in between jobs at some point when we were dating and right after we got married, he told me he had some credit card debt (maybe 10-20k?) that he recently paid off and it was from taking me out on dates (!!). He finally admitted this week that it was from porn. I'm so flaming mad because I would not have married him had I known. I feel like my entire life the last 12 years or so has been a lie, that I have no idea who he truly is, and of course I have lost all respect and trust in him. If we didn't have kids, I would be gone yesterday. But we have two kids aged 7 and 5. WTF do I do? I cannot give up 50% of my time with them through divorce. I feel so trapped. He is otherwise an ok father, no issues with abuse or aggression or anything like that. I'm thinking in the near term, I need to get a post nup in place. I feel an urgent need to protect my own retirement assets (401k and pension). I have no will, but now i'm thinking I really need one so that if i were to die, the money goes in some kind of a trust to my kids and will be managed by someone else, right? Are these all enforceable? Am I missing anything else? |
Anonymous
| Post nup??? No, you need a divorce. Go talk to a lawyer ASAP. |
Anonymous
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I was in a similar position and it was really awful for a couple of years. We fought, judged, lashed out, had stalemates, considered divorce and just struggled to find peace. Finally, we both started working on ourselves and I became less critical of it as he simultaneously stopped using it and found more productive hobbies and some self nourishing activities. Like you, our marriage was stressed before getting to that point so it may have been a negative byproduct. He may still use it but I wouldn't even care now as his life and mine are much fuller with other preoccupations. I didnt realize it was possible to get here but the key was focusing on the positives you want to hang onto and communicating. I think lack of communication was the biggest obstacle for us and why it took a while to move past the conflict. I have my own stresses now but on his end I think seeing the output of productivity for the really positive ways he spends his time have been too good to pass up.
Right now, try not to get engulfed in this and find a way to care for yourself. |
Anonymous
| The real problem is he’s paying for porn. What kind of a dummy does that? |
Anonymous
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You need a divorce, OP. When you think about the damage to your kids you think would be done from a divorce, just think about the damage you do to your kids when they find out their dad stole tends of thousands of dollars from you to pay for pornography and then lied to you over and over for decades about it… and yet you stayed with him. That would do worse damage. And they will find out.
The best you can hope for is that he willingly sign over custody to you now for the entire time until they turn 18, and in return, you agree to not go and tell his family what he has done. |
Anonymous
A sex/porn addict. Who knows what else he’s been doing. I hope you got std testing, OP. |
Anonymous
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Yeah you need to divorce. Soon enough you won’t be able to afford being married to him. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry OP. I would be so upset.
A prior poster was right though that it can be found free. Or just buy a skeezy channel. $50,000??? That's idiot. He is an idiot. |
Anonymous
| I don’t know if I could live with someone like that, or let them unsupervised with the kids. He may use the kids identity to get credit, it’s not uncommon. I know he seems harmless but you must protect your children at all costs. Please consult a good lawyer. |
Anonymous
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I don't think he would sign over custody. He says the hardest part was coming clean to me and I believe him, so he wouldn't care enough about his family knowing that he would give up custody. Aside from me not wanting to miss out on half of my children's childhood, I also don't necessarily want them to miss out on time with the father either. This just all so royally sucks.
My thinking at this point (and this might change by the day) is that I don't mind seeing him and living with him. He is not mean or rude, never raises his voice, and is generally a pretty gentle personality. We did have a lot of tension with division of labor and mental load, and I would have to nag him a lot. But I think if I just give up all hope of him in that aspect, it would actually be easier to live with him. It is the financial aspect that disgusts me and I absolutely cannot live with. This is why I am thinking along the lines of a complete financial separation. I come from an immigrant family and grew up with financial insecurity and it is a huge trigger for me. I have worked hard all my life to have a great career and I refuse to have my and my children's financial future jeopardized because of his addiction and selfishness. Has anyone had experience with a financial separation but still married? Is this even possible legally? |
Anonymous
Can you talk more about how you were able to trust him again (assuming some financial infidelity)? Did you keep sharing finances with him? |
Anonymous
But how would divorce protect against him using their SSNs for credit? But you are right that I am still in shock that I cannot truly trust him in taking care of our kids. I can check his credit report constantly and he is ok with complete financial transparency, but my worry is if something were to happen to me, how can I trust him to not squander our children's future? It is so heartbreaking that I cannot trust him with something so basic. |
Anonymous
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I’d raise this with a lawyer as soon as possible, as in Monday. Then you have a paper trail. You can research if he’s used them and freeze the accounts. You can also work with a lawyer to prevent this from happening. He’s addicted, , and he may get desperate. Divorce agreement can include some parameters to reduce likelihood. I’d push for full custody with visitation. It can be changed if he has a year or more of complete recovery. He needs a professional to supervise.
If you suspect child identity theft, it's recommended to check your child's credit report with the three major credit bureaus. If fraudulent accounts are found, contact the creditors to close them with proof of identity theft. To prevent further issues, consider placing a credit freeze on your child's report. Finally, report the identity theft to the FTC via IdentityTheft.gov and to local law enforcement. |
Anonymous
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Honestly I feel kinda bad for him. Imagine the guilt and shame in keeping it secret. But now it's out in the open, so things can only get better. Give him a chance to improve himself.
And yea, that's a lot of money but not the end of the world. |
Anonymous
Ignore this poster, OP. 1) Get a postnuptial agreement to buy you some time 2) Don’t rule out divorce but don’t let him know that—you need the leverage to get the postnup 3) Talk to a lawyer about how to estate plan to protect your kids; I don’t know if you can shield all assets if you’re still married 4) This is a huge betrayal and your feelings are valid 5) Don’t rule out divorce—I couldn’t stay married to a pathetic man who did this and would lose all respect. |