Porn addiction, whole marriage a lie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think he would sign over custody. He says the hardest part was coming clean to me and I believe him, so he wouldn't care enough about his family knowing that he would give up custody. Aside from me not wanting to miss out on half of my children's childhood, I also don't necessarily want them to miss out on time with the father either. This just all so royally sucks.

My thinking at this point (and this might change by the day) is that I don't mind seeing him and living with him. He is not mean or rude, never raises his voice, and is generally a pretty gentle personality. We did have a lot of tension with division of labor and mental load, and I would have to nag him a lot. But I think if I just give up all hope of him in that aspect, it would actually be easier to live with him.

It is the financial aspect that disgusts me and I absolutely cannot live with. This is why I am thinking along the lines of a complete financial separation. I come from an immigrant family and grew up with financial insecurity and it is a huge trigger for me. I have worked hard all my life to have a great career and I refuse to have my and my children's financial future jeopardized because of his addiction and selfishness. Has anyone had experience with a financial separation but still married? Is this even possible legally?

Get 2-3 legal consults, OP.

His early exposure to porn is a form of CSA. He will likely decompensate and further act out when your son turns 10. Plan for that. He needs trauma and addiction treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think he would sign over custody. He says the hardest part was coming clean to me and I believe him, so he wouldn't care enough about his family knowing that he would give up custody. Aside from me not wanting to miss out on half of my children's childhood, I also don't necessarily want them to miss out on time with the father either. This just all so royally sucks.

My thinking at this point (and this might change by the day) is that I don't mind seeing him and living with him. He is not mean or rude, never raises his voice, and is generally a pretty gentle personality. We did have a lot of tension with division of labor and mental load, and I would have to nag him a lot. But I think if I just give up all hope of him in that aspect, it would actually be easier to live with him.

It is the financial aspect that disgusts me and I absolutely cannot live with. This is why I am thinking along the lines of a complete financial separation. I come from an immigrant family and grew up with financial insecurity and it is a huge trigger for me. I have worked hard all my life to have a great career and I refuse to have my and my children's financial future jeopardized because of his addiction and selfishness. Has anyone had experience with a financial separation but still married? Is this even possible legally?

It might be possible, but, just not advisable, and some aspects may not be legally enforceable.

YOU. NEED. A. DIVORCE.

Look down the road 5-7 years. He's drowning in debt, using porn all the time, still not pulling his weight at home, and you are financially supporting the entire family. You finally get fed up and decide to divorce. Or something else happens to tip the scale. You are now stuck paying him spousal support and child support and who knows what else. And kids know when their parents marriage sucks. There's damage either way.

Even if you decide not to divorce you owe it to yourself to consult with an attorney to walk through the likely scenarios.

I am a different poster but I discovered a DH with the same porn/sex addiction and incredible ability to lie to my face for months if not years at a time. That level of compartmentalization is unnerving.

I divorced. I split the assets 50/50. I pay him child support and we have 50/50 custody. It was the best decision I could make given the new circumstances. I have protected at least half of my child's future inheritance and I've created a safe and stable home for both myself and my kid. I grieved the end of the relationship and the happy future I thought we were building together for a long time, but the truth is he didn't really value that life as much as I did.

I am a million times happier. I no longer have the dread of whatever he decides to do with his future (addiction, porn, hookers, debt, legal trouble.. who knows?) hanging over me. I couldn't be in a legal, emotional, and logistical partnership with someone whose judgment and character I no longer trusted.

Not OP, but thank you for this. I'm grieving a marriage to someone with poor judgment and character as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he employed?

What is his family like?

There may be mental health issues and/or a CSA history.

He has his own business, which is how he was able to channel some money to the porn throughout the years without my knowledge. Meanwhile it has been a source of great contention and stress how much money and how consistent his income has been from this business, so it is extra depressing that he was using it on porn. But he is definitely employable and could get a good income.

His parents are ok and we get along decently. But I really never had much in common with them and have never been close. I have always thought they are total failure as parents because of how some of the siblings have turned out and just general family dynamics, and now this just confirms it even more. I don't think there was any abuse, just awful parenting. But I guess who knows. I am questioning everything so I guess anything is possible.

Has he told you more about the early exposure to porn?

Unlikely he has stopped on his own without treatment.

Besides therapy he should do SLA 12 step meetings, would suggest Al Anon for you, similar issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think he would sign over custody. He says the hardest part was coming clean to me and I believe him, so he wouldn't care enough about his family knowing that he would give up custody. Aside from me not wanting to miss out on half of my children's childhood, I also don't necessarily want them to miss out on time with the father either. This just all so royally sucks.

My thinking at this point (and this might change by the day) is that I don't mind seeing him and living with him. He is not mean or rude, never raises his voice, and is generally a pretty gentle personality. We did have a lot of tension with division of labor and mental load, and I would have to nag him a lot. But I think if I just give up all hope of him in that aspect, it would actually be easier to live with him.

It is the financial aspect that disgusts me and I absolutely cannot live with. This is why I am thinking along the lines of a complete financial separation. I come from an immigrant family and grew up with financial insecurity and it is a huge trigger for me. I have worked hard all my life to have a great career and I refuse to have my and my children's financial future jeopardized because of his addiction and selfishness. Has anyone had experience with a financial separation but still married? Is this even possible legally?

It might be possible, but, just not advisable, and some aspects may not be legally enforceable.

YOU. NEED. A. DIVORCE.

Look down the road 5-7 years. He's drowning in debt, using porn all the time, still not pulling his weight at home, and you are financially supporting the entire family. You finally get fed up and decide to divorce. Or something else happens to tip the scale. You are now stuck paying him spousal support and child support and who knows what else. And kids know when their parents marriage sucks. There's damage either way.

Even if you decide not to divorce you owe it to yourself to consult with an attorney to walk through the likely scenarios.

I am a different poster but I discovered a DH with the same porn/sex addiction and incredible ability to lie to my face for months if not years at a time. That level of compartmentalization is unnerving.

I divorced. I split the assets 50/50. I pay him child support and we have 50/50 custody. It was the best decision I could make given the new circumstances. I have protected at least half of my child's future inheritance and I've created a safe and stable home for both myself and my kid. I grieved the end of the relationship and the happy future I thought we were building together for a long time, but the truth is he didn't really value that life as much as I did.

I am a million times happier. I no longer have the dread of whatever he decides to do with his future (addiction, porn, hookers, debt, legal trouble.. who knows?) hanging over me. I couldn't be in a legal, emotional, and logistical partnership with someone whose judgment and character I no longer trusted.

DP. I agree. I became paranoid over the possibile legal trouble I could be in or the financial trouble on top of the emotional negligence and hurt and all the lies. It just became too much to worry about on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Divorce him. You can’t have a marriage with this level of deceit. Lock down your credit and your kids credit so he can’t take on more debt in their names.

He is unlikely to actually take the kids 50-50, so don’t stay for that reason.

He lied for your entire relationship— you deserve better than that.

[Anonymous]

OP, interim steps may have some impact if you have extra money to throw at legal fees. Taking action is better than nothing. Or divorce and get the effective legal boundaries all at once for one fee.

Treating professionals need to be involved re his WiFi use, you are not effective or his mom and it will breed resentment. That said, really locked down devices may shield your kids.

My ex, similar trauma background, really fell apart when son reached same age when ex was exposed to inappropriate things. Several experts told me that is common. Really plan for that. My ex fell apart and had to take a leave from work.

Re: custody, sometimes trading assets for time works. If you can relocate to a lower COL area where you have family support, courts will often approve. Geography can make a great buffer. That said, I have heard of these sad sacks luring in another woman, re-marrying, then coming back to try to change custody. You are not really in the clear until youngest ages out of Family Court orders.

Wishing you and the kids all the best.

[Anonymous]

"Childhood exposure to pornography is not just about the content viewed but about the patterns and behaviors that are being established." These patterns can include secrecy, shame, and an increasingly compulsive need to consume pornography, often escalating as the individual reaches adulthood.

I think you need to consider things like FinDom given the amount spent.

Be very realistic about how likely he ever is to be a healthy and functional adult. Make sure you have a support network and protect your career.

He needs to be responsible for getting into treatment and developing healthy coping mechanisms. Otherwise will likely develop other unhealthy addictions.

[Anonymous]

Is he willing to seek serious, life changing help?


https://keystonecenter.net/lp/sex-addiction-treatment-program/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he employed?

What is his family like?

There may be mental health issues and/or a CSA history.

He has his own business, which is how he was able to channel some money to the porn throughout the years without my knowledge. Meanwhile it has been a source of great contention and stress how much money and how consistent his income has been from this business, so it is extra depressing that he was using it on porn. But he is definitely employable and could get a good income.

His parents are ok and we get along decently. But I really never had much in common with them and have never been close. I have always thought they are total failure as parents because of how some of the siblings have turned out and just general family dynamics, and now this just confirms it even more. I don't think there was any abuse, just awful parenting. But I guess who knows. I am questioning everything so I guess anything is possible.

Could have a decent and consistent income in theory does not sound like that has been the reality since you have known him, right? Potential means nothing.

You could end up paying him alimony and child support. You really need consults with lawyers about how best to proceed.

He had an unhealthy childhood with unhealthy people. Try to break that pattern for your own kids, even if just part of the time. I’m so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:another idea is a financial divorce and continued cohabitation. That way you separate all the money, get the house in your name, etc. or put the house into a trust for the kids.
I’m not sure how you come back to this but if a full divorce feels like too much, you could do a legal divorce and still cohabitate as a family. That would then make an ultimate divorce easier.

But op might want a sex life of her own eventually. It’s hard to date when you still live as a family with your ex husband. Plus she said she does the housework as well. Why should she keep picking up after him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband is a sad sack. To protect your children, focus on getting him therapy and possible medication. He may transfer his compulsive behavior to drinking or online gambling. His business is underperforming and he realizes that makes him a loser in the eyes of society- he is self- soothing in an unhealthy manner. You still need to divorce and seem individual therapy so you don’t repeat the same mistake. Did you have to be hyper-vigilant and have too many responsibilities as a child? Figure out how your family dynamics contributed to your choice of a weak man.

Can you explain more about this? How does this work?

DP. Co-dependence learned as a child impacts picking of romantic partners and what we will tolerate.

[Anonymous]

https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/

[Anonymous]

You may be able to access his OF account on his device

https://www.reddit.com/r/loveafterporn/comments/1l7xcv6/my_husband_and_onlyfans/

He may not want a conventional job as an office would cut into his viewing time.

Does he have friends or hobbies? Do you socialize with other families or has his addiction isolated all of you? I think the whole situation is sicker than you may realize, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can separate yourself in steps if you want. And set up a trust for your kids.

Addicts relapse. This cycle is likely to repeat.

Don’t discount the toll living like this will take on you and possibly your physical health, too. And this will never be a guy you can count on to step up, regardless of circumstances. He’s like a kid in an adult body without adult coping skills.

Cautionary tale, the wrong therapist could make things worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how do you know that money wasn't used for prostitutes?

DP. You don't pay "prostitutes" with a credit card. By the way, they haven't been called "prostitutes" for 20 years.

hookers is that better?