Porn addiction, whole marriage a lie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I could live with someone like that, or let them unsupervised with the kids. He may use the kids identity to get credit, it’s not uncommon. I know he seems harmless but you must protect your children at all costs. Please consult a good lawyer.

But how would divorce protect against him using their SSNs for credit?

But you are right that I am still in shock that I cannot truly trust him in taking care of our kids. I can check his credit report constantly and he is ok with complete financial transparency, but my worry is if something were to happen to me, how can I trust him to not squander our children's future? It is so heartbreaking that I cannot trust him with something so basic.

Freeze the kids’ credit. I did it for an infant; it’s not hard.

Yes good idea. I will do that since no downside. But can't he as the father unfreeze it? I am not sure how that works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Post nup??? No, you need a divorce. Go talk to a lawyer ASAP.

+1. You can't stay in this "marriage." Have some self respect and stop hiding behind your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP he isn't being 100% honest when he's calling it "porn". Subscription porn sites are like $20 a month. The only way it would be possible for him to spend such an astronomical amount of money is if he's doing custom video requests or live video shows from sex workers. Which is engaging in prostitution, not simply porn videos. There's also not a small chance he may be engaging in a "FinDom" fetish, which is where men get off on paying large sums of money to sex workers in exchange for being sent degrading messages. The amount of money spent and the secrecy are major red flags of FinDom.

You appear to be an expert in this field. Or full of shıt. Where did you acquire such voluminous knowledge of something you have such a problem with?

[Anonymous]

Divorce that husband of yours. He’s a liar with bad credit and a porn addiction issue.

Both your future self and kids will thank you later.

[Anonymous]

Just curious, how often were you initiating sex?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry to hear that your husband lied + betrayed you in such a cruel fashion. 💔
And for over a decade too.

No one would blame you for how you are feeling right now.
I would be furious at him as well!!

He needs to seek professional help for his destructive addiction though getting a guy to seek therapy is like pulling teeth in my opinion.

If by chance he did seek counseling however - - the damage he has done to you emotionally may now already be done.

If you won’t divorce him now, then the best you can do now is to protect you + your two children financially most especially since it looks like your husband has been very irresponsible w/money in the past.

I wish you all the best in dealing w/this very unfortunate situation both now as well as into the future.

Protect your interests for sure!

[Anonymous]

In 2025, who pays for porn?

If he was paying an OF model, or a particular fetish person/character/actor/farmer I would consider that him paying for another relationship (real or fake doesn't matter) not really a porn addiction.

[Anonymous]

He is not fine in the head. He does not want the kids 50% of the time.
Your kids do not want to live with the sicko 100% of the time. Stop making excuses.
Your kids should have investment accounts, but instead, you are concerned about your own 401k.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is a sad sack. To protect your children, focus on getting him therapy and possible medication. He may transfer his compulsive behavior to drinking or online gambling. His business is underperforming and he realizes that makes him a loser in the eyes of society- he is self- soothing in an unhealthy manner. You still need to divorce and seem individual therapy so you don’t repeat the same mistake. Did you have to be hyper-vigilant and have too many responsibilities as a child? Figure out how your family dynamics contributed to your choice of a weak man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think he would sign over custody. He says the hardest part was coming clean to me and I believe him, so he wouldn't care enough about his family knowing that he would give up custody. Aside from me not wanting to miss out on half of my children's childhood, I also don't necessarily want them to miss out on time with the father either. This just all so royally sucks.

My thinking at this point (and this might change by the day) is that I don't mind seeing him and living with him. He is not mean or rude, never raises his voice, and is generally a pretty gentle personality. We did have a lot of tension with division of labor and mental load, and I would have to nag him a lot. But I think if I just give up all hope of him in that aspect, it would actually be easier to live with him.

It is the financial aspect that disgusts me and I absolutely cannot live with. This is why I am thinking along the lines of a complete financial separation. I come from an immigrant family and grew up with financial insecurity and it is a huge trigger for me. I have worked hard all my life to have a great career and I refuse to have my and my children's financial future jeopardized because of his addiction and selfishness. Has anyone had experience with a financial separation but still married? Is this even possible legally?

It might be possible, but, just not advisable, and some aspects may not be legally enforceable.

YOU. NEED. A. DIVORCE.

Look down the road 5-7 years. He's drowning in debt, using porn all the time, still not pulling his weight at home, and you are financially supporting the entire family. You finally get fed up and decide to divorce. Or something else happens to tip the scale. You are now stuck paying him spousal support and child support and who knows what else. And kids know when their parents marriage sucks. There's damage either way.

Even if you decide not to divorce you owe it to yourself to consult with an attorney to walk through the likely scenarios.

I am a different poster but I discovered a DH with the same porn/sex addiction and incredible ability to lie to my face for months if not years at a time. That level of compartmentalization is unnerving.

I divorced. I split the assets 50/50. I pay him child support and we have 50/50 custody. It was the best decision I could make given the new circumstances. I have protected at least half of my child's future inheritance and I've created a safe and stable home for both myself and my kid. I grieved the end of the relationship and the happy future I thought we were building together for a long time, but the truth is he didn't really value that life as much as I did.

I am a million times happier. I no longer have the dread of whatever he decides to do with his future (addiction, porn, hookers, debt, legal trouble.. who knows?) hanging over me. I couldn't be in a legal, emotional, and logistical partnership with someone whose judgment and character I no longer trusted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP he isn't being 100% honest when he's calling it "porn". Subscription porn sites are like $20 a month. The only way it would be possible for him to spend such an astronomical amount of money is if he's doing custom video requests or live video shows from sex workers. Which is engaging in prostitution, not simply porn videos. There's also not a small chance he may be engaging in a "FinDom" fetish, which is where men get off on paying large sums of money to sex workers in exchange for being sent degrading messages. The amount of money spent and the secrecy are major red flags of FinDom.

You appear to be an expert in this field. Or full of shıt. Where did you acquire such voluminous knowledge of something you have such a problem with?

Why so angry?

FinDom is a sign of mental issues. NP.

[Anonymous]

Early exposure to porn can f kids up. But, kids could as easily be exposed in joint home as split.

OP, he has serious, lifelong issues.

Get legal advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your husband is a sad sack. To protect your children, focus on getting him therapy and possible medication. He may transfer his compulsive behavior to drinking or online gambling. His business is underperforming and he realizes that makes him a loser in the eyes of society- he is self- soothing in an unhealthy manner. You still need to divorce and seem individual therapy so you don’t repeat the same mistake. Did you have to be hyper-vigilant and have too many responsibilities as a child? Figure out how your family dynamics contributed to your choice of a weak man.

Can you explain more about this? How does this work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar position and it was really awful for a couple of years. We fought, judged, lashed out, had stalemates, considered divorce and just struggled to find peace. Finally, we both started working on ourselves and I became less critical of it as he simultaneously stopped using it and found more productive hobbies and some self nourishing activities. Like you, our marriage was stressed before getting to that point so it may have been a negative byproduct. He may still use it but I wouldn't even care now as his life and mine are much fuller with other preoccupations. I didnt realize it was possible to get here but the key was focusing on the positives you want to hang onto and communicating. I think lack of communication was the biggest obstacle for us and why it took a while to move past the conflict. I have my own stresses now but on his end I think seeing the output of productivity for the really positive ways he spends his time have been too good to pass up.
Right now, try not to get engulfed in this and find a way to care for yourself.

What are your new hobbies?

[Anonymous]

another idea is a financial divorce and continued cohabitation. That way you separate all the money, get the house in your name, etc. or put the house into a trust for the kids.
I’m not sure how you come back to this but if a full divorce feels like too much, you could do a legal divorce and still cohabitate as a family. That would then make an ultimate divorce easier.