Porn addiction, whole marriage a lie

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP he isn't being 100% honest when he's calling it "porn". Subscription porn sites are like $20 a month. The only way it would be possible for him to spend such an astronomical amount of money is if he's doing custom video requests or live video shows from sex workers. Which is engaging in prostitution, not simply porn videos. There's also not a small chance he may be engaging in a "FinDom" fetish, which is where men get off on paying large sums of money to sex workers in exchange for being sent degrading messages. The amount of money spent and the secrecy are major red flags of FinDom.


You appear to be an expert in this field. Or full of shıt. Where did you acquire such voluminous knowledge of something you have such a problem with?


Why so angry?

FinDom is a sign of mental issues. NP.


Sure but this hits a bit like Friday diagnosing Terri Schiavo from a 10 second video clip.


You are twisted to equate the 2.


Sure it’s twisted to make a comparison between 1 person taking limited information to make a diagnosis and another person taking limited information to make a diagnosis. SOOO twisted


It's not limited information at all. It would be literally impossible to spend $12,500 a year on subscription porn sites when a paid Onlyfans account costs between $5-15 a month per subscription and paid porn sites are $10 a month. But with FinDom, you can spend up to $5000 in a single session. Another comment mentioned Glenn Greenwald and in his video he was seen Paypalling $3000 to his male Dom. A lot of Onlyfans creators will do custom videos from anywhere between $600-1200 per request. It is much more likely that OP's busy, married husband is having a few discreet FinDom sessions or custom shows per year rather than subscribing to over 100 different porn sites every single month.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Your husband is a survivor of child sexual abuse. This doesn’t mean you have to put up with his crap, but if you have to squarely faced this reality about him you are not working with the whole picture.

Agree with the PP who said expect some kind of exacerbation when each kid reaches 10. Depending on what else happened to him, it may be extreme. I would expect that you are not going to be able to be really removed from this situation until your kids are 18 or over.

If you don’t divorce him, you can and should get a postnup and an agreement to separate the marital money in alignment with whatever it says about who would get what. You need a lot of protection.


He may not even fully be able to say what happened to him until he develops better coping. The kids turning 10 may be a huge trigger for him and he may fall apart, up acting out, etc. I was told to expect re ex but underestimated.
Anonymous
OP,

He needs evaluation for underlying issues and specialized trauma treatment, not simply you controlling the Wi-Fi. Bit of a race against the clock until 7 yr old turns 10.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article...ii/S014521342300176X

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7787260/

Trauma often causes somewhat of a stall in development at the childhood age it occurred. Be realistic about that, how he is going to be able to function over time as a parent, earner, spouse. Right now he is somewhat of an avoidant, shame filled, dopamine seeking 5th grader in the body of a middle aged man. With work he can begin to heal and grow up, but you have no control over that.

Protect yourself and the kids as best as you can, esp from porn exposure. How that looks may change over time. No simple or easy solutions. I wouldn’t leave the kids with ILs either.



Anonymous
Has he considered turning to Jesus?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP he isn't being 100% honest when he's calling it "porn". Subscription porn sites are like $20 a month. The only way it would be possible for him to spend such an astronomical amount of money is if he's doing custom video requests or live video shows from sex workers. Which is engaging in prostitution, not simply porn videos. There's also not a small chance he may be engaging in a "FinDom" fetish, which is where men get off on paying large sums of money to sex workers in exchange for being sent degrading messages. The amount of money spent and the secrecy are major red flags of FinDom.


You appear to be an expert in this field. Or full of shıt. Where did you acquire such voluminous knowledge of something you have such a problem with?


Why so angry?

FinDom is a sign of mental issues. NP.


Sure but this hits a bit like Friday diagnosing Terri Schiavo from a 10 second video clip.


You are twisted to equate the 2.


Sure it’s twisted to make a comparison between 1 person taking limited information to make a diagnosis and another person taking limited information to make a diagnosis. SOOO twisted


It's not limited information at all. It would be literally impossible to spend $12,500 a year on subscription porn sites when a paid Onlyfans account costs between $5-15 a month per subscription and paid porn sites are $10 a month. But with FinDom, you can spend up to $5000 in a single session. Another comment mentioned Glenn Greenwald and in his video he was seen Paypalling $3000 to his male Dom. A lot of Onlyfans creators will do custom videos from anywhere between $600-1200 per request. It is much more likely that OP's busy, married husband is having a few discreet FinDom sessions or custom shows per year rather than subscribing to over 100 different porn sites every single month.



Truth.

OP, this is more complex than someone w/o csa trauma who got addicted to too much free porn. His life is like a slo-mo crash of faked adulthood and he’s going to keep spiraling without a lot of trauma treatment, and maybe with it. You have to be responsible for you and the kids. Who you thought you were married to was a facade.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Has he considered turning to Jesus?


Religion is no a fix for CSA although some churches have free porn addiction resources.

The best hope is an in patient trauma and addiction treatment stint, OP. Look into what your insurance may cover.
Anonymous
I don't even want to put this into the atmosphere, but what if the type of porn is illegal in nature? Do you have access to his computer right now, OP? The names of the sites he's spent on?
Anonymous
Exposure to porn as a kid can really derail your life, some can overcome, but your DH seems to want to make you responsible for his addiction, OP. Making you the protective mom he did not have?

Some good info here. https://www.cnn.com/2019/09/27/health/this-is...odes-nofap-wellness/
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP he isn't being 100% honest when he's calling it "porn". Subscription porn sites are like $20 a month. The only way it would be possible for him to spend such an astronomical amount of money is if he's doing custom video requests or live video shows from sex workers. Which is engaging in prostitution, not simply porn videos. There's also not a small chance he may be engaging in a "FinDom" fetish, which is where men get off on paying large sums of money to sex workers in exchange for being sent degrading messages. The amount of money spent and the secrecy are major red flags of FinDom.


You appear to be an expert in this field. Or full of shıt. Where did you acquire such voluminous knowledge of something you have such a problem with?


Why so angry?

FinDom is a sign of mental issues. NP.


Sure but this hits a bit like Friday diagnosing Terri Schiavo from a 10 second video clip.


You are twisted to equate the 2.


Sure it’s twisted to make a comparison between 1 person taking limited information to make a diagnosis and another person taking limited information to make a diagnosis. SOOO twisted


It's not limited information at all. It would be literally impossible to spend $12,500 a year on subscription porn sites when a paid Onlyfans account costs between $5-15 a month per subscription and paid porn sites are $10 a month. But with FinDom, you can spend up to $5000 in a single session. Another comment mentioned Glenn Greenwald and in his video he was seen Paypalling $3000 to his male Dom. A lot of Onlyfans creators will do custom videos from anywhere between $600-1200 per request. It is much more likely that OP's busy, married husband is having a few discreet FinDom sessions or custom shows per year rather than subscribing to over 100 different porn sites every single month.


Ok, it's clear you've found OP's post and are now spinning out with your own facts and issues. Cut it out.
Anonymous
Where did OP say her husband was exposed to porn as a child?

This thread is going off the rails.
Anonymous
Read the thread, PP. He told her he’s been addicted to porn since age 10.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP he isn't being 100% honest when he's calling it "porn". Subscription porn sites are like $20 a month. The only way it would be possible for him to spend such an astronomical amount of money is if he's doing custom video requests or live video shows from sex workers. Which is engaging in prostitution, not simply porn videos. There's also not a small chance he may be engaging in a "FinDom" fetish, which is where men get off on paying large sums of money to sex workers in exchange for being sent degrading messages. The amount of money spent and the secrecy are major red flags of FinDom.


You appear to be an expert in this field. Or full of shıt. Where did you acquire such voluminous knowledge of something you have such a problem with?


Why so angry?

FinDom is a sign of mental issues. NP.


Sure but this hits a bit like Friday diagnosing Terri Schiavo from a 10 second video clip.


You are twisted to equate the 2.


Sure it’s twisted to make a comparison between 1 person taking limited information to make a diagnosis and another person taking limited information to make a diagnosis. SOOO twisted


It's not limited information at all. It would be literally impossible to spend $12,500 a year on subscription porn sites when a paid Onlyfans account costs between $5-15 a month per subscription and paid porn sites are $10 a month. But with FinDom, you can spend up to $5000 in a single session. Another comment mentioned Glenn Greenwald and in his video he was seen Paypalling $3000 to his male Dom. A lot of Onlyfans creators will do custom videos from anywhere between $600-1200 per request. It is much more likely that OP's busy, married husband is having a few discreet FinDom sessions or custom shows per year rather than subscribing to over 100 different porn sites every single month.


Ok, it's clear you've found OP's post and are now spinning out with your own facts and issues. Cut it out.


Stop trolling.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:One more thing to add to your list is making sure whatever device he is using cannot be accessed by your kids. And chances are good that whatever you do to make sure this doesn’t happen will fail at some point. I don’t know if you have any idea what kind of porn he’s paying for, but know that your kids are at risk of being introduced to that any day.
I’ve seen this happen twice, to two different friends. It was the worst aspect of their experience by far. Good luck.


Thank you for the reminder. I am confident we are on the same page about protecting the kids from porn. He said he was exposed to porn starting at age 10 and was addicted since then, so I think he is aware of the seriousness. But yes we will need to have a very serious conversation about this. This also seems to be one of those issues that would be worse with shared custody with two households.


PP challenging this: here is where OP says that her husband was exposed to porn starting at 10.

OP, the frame that he has been “addicted since then” is not accurate. He was 10. If he continually sought out porn at 10, that was not sexual acting out—it was a trauma response. It is very likely that a lot of this still is.

It does not mean that he is not responsible for it or that you have to stick around for it. But something awful happened to him.

If you are only framing this in your mind as “he committed financial infidelity using porn and this is all so shocking”—you are burying the lede, which will have much bigger implications for your kids than you possibly getting divorced.
Anonymous
OP, look into betrayal trauma, it’s expected in your situation.

The rates of recovery for people like your husband are low, be realistic, not naive. You need a good lawyer with expertise in protecting kids and a good trauma therapist to advise and support you.

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:One more thing to add to your list is making sure whatever device he is using cannot be accessed by your kids. And chances are good that whatever you do to make sure this doesn’t happen will fail at some point. I don’t know if you have any idea what kind of porn he’s paying for, but know that your kids are at risk of being introduced to that any day.
I’ve seen this happen twice, to two different friends. It was the worst aspect of their experience by far. Good luck.


Thank you for the reminder. I am confident we are on the same page about protecting the kids from porn. He said he was exposed to porn starting at age 10 and was addicted since then, so I think he is aware of the seriousness. But yes we will need to have a very serious conversation about this. This also seems to be one of those issues that would be worse with shared custody with two households.


PP challenging this: here is where OP says that her husband was exposed to porn starting at 10.

OP, the frame that he has been “addicted since then” is not accurate. He was 10. If he continually sought out porn at 10, that was not sexual acting out—it was a trauma response. It is very likely that a lot of this still is.

It does not mean that he is not responsible for it or that you have to stick around for it. But something awful happened to him.

If you are only framing this in your mind as “he committed financial infidelity using porn and this is all so shocking”—you are burying the lede, which will have much bigger implications for your kids than you possibly getting divorced.


It is his unaddressed significant csa trauma history that is the driver and that is the biggest risk for the marriage and kids.
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