Porn addiction, whole marriage a lie

[Anonymous]

OP how do you know that money wasn't used for prostitutes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real problem is he’s paying for porn. What kind of a dummy does that?

I first thought that too but I think OP's DH is paying for camera shows and live sex shows or something. It's sick how the addiction like that gets worse over time.

Yes the girls interact with the men these days, they will do all kinds of activities together.

[Anonymous]

Protect yourself and your income. Open a new account to direct deposit your pay into. Copy all financial statements. Once you mention divorce, he could easily drain joint accounts. See an attorney BEFORE you say anything to him to get your ducks in a row. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think he would sign over custody. He says the hardest part was coming clean to me and I believe him, so he wouldn't care enough about his family knowing that he would give up custody. Aside from me not wanting to miss out on half of my children's childhood, I also don't necessarily want them to miss out on time with the father either. This just all so royally sucks.

My thinking at this point (and this might change by the day) is that I don't mind seeing him and living with him. He is not mean or rude, never raises his voice, and is generally a pretty gentle personality. We did have a lot of tension with division of labor and mental load, and I would have to nag him a lot. But I think if I just give up all hope of him in that aspect, it would actually be easier to live with him.

It is the financial aspect that disgusts me and I absolutely cannot live with. This is why I am thinking along the lines of a complete financial separation. I come from an immigrant family and grew up with financial insecurity and it is a huge trigger for me. I have worked hard all my life to have a great career and I refuse to have my and my children's financial future jeopardized because of his addiction and selfishness. Has anyone had experience with a financial separation but still married? Is this even possible legally?

It might be possible, but, just not advisable, and some aspects may not be legally enforceable.

YOU. NEED. A. DIVORCE.

Look down the road 5-7 years. He's drowning in debt, using porn all the time, still not pulling his weight at home, and you are financially supporting the entire family. You finally get fed up and decide to divorce. Or something else happens to tip the scale. You are now stuck paying him spousal support and child support and who knows what else. And kids know when their parents marriage sucks. There's damage either way.

Even if you decide not to divorce you owe it to yourself to consult with an attorney to walk through the likely scenarios.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. I appreciate all the suggestions. That's exactly what I wanted, to make sure I am thinking of everything.

What makes PPs think i can get full custody? I wouldn't think porn addiction and credit debt is enough to give me full custody. And he would not voluntarily give it up, I am positive of that.

He says he stopped the porn a year ago. Maybe the debt got to him at some point. He did have to work with a debt consolidator (or something like that) to get a handle on it. Currently paying a monthly amount. We are working on getting some kind of monitoring system set up on all our devices, with me as the account holder. I really don't want to have another task added to my to do list and would prefer to just have nothing to do with it anymore but here we are, at least for the time being. He will start therapy too, which while good, still sucks because it is another financial drain on us.

Just get rid of the devices. He gets a dumb phone. No access to a personal laptop except in common areas of the home, and with a filter. Kids devices are under your control with you holding the passcode. The most leverage you are going to have in this situation is right now. Use it and figure out if he's serious about changing and getting better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real problem is he’s paying for porn. What kind of a dummy does that?

A sex/porn addict. Who knows what else he’s been doing.

I hope you got std testing, OP.

There is no such thing as a porn addict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The real problem is he’s paying for porn. What kind of a dummy does that?

A sex/porn addict. Who knows what else he’s been doing.

I hope you got std testing, OP.

There is no such thing as a porn addict.

You probably are one, and yes, there very much is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP how do you know that money wasn't used for prostitutes?

DP. You don't pay "prostitutes" with a credit card. By the way, they haven't been called "prostitutes" for 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he employed?

What is his family like?

There may be mental health issues and/or a CSA history.

He has his own business, which is how he was able to channel some money to the porn throughout the years without my knowledge. Meanwhile it has been a source of great contention and stress how much money and how consistent his income has been from this business, so it is extra depressing that he was using it on porn. But he is definitely employable and could get a good income.

His parents are ok and we get along decently. But I really never had much in common with them and have never been close. I have always thought they are total failure as parents because of how some of the siblings have turned out and just general family dynamics, and now this just confirms it even more. I don't think there was any abuse, just awful parenting. But I guess who knows. I am questioning everything so I guess anything is possible.

I was wondering about mental issues.

CSA does not have to be from parents.

This extreme behavior may have several drivers.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need to make a choice on divorce right now.

I think you can require he does counseling.

You assume supervisor over all finances.

You have your own account.

Go get std tested.

Go from there.

[Anonymous]

I think you should decide if you still have sexual interest in, or romantic love for your spouse. Or if you think that can ever come back.

If the answer to that is no, then you will need to divorce. It sounds like you could probably co-parent and live in the same house for awhile. And that would be bearable. No matter what, you will be a family because of your children. When betrayed by a family member, it can still make sense to put energy into helping them recover, primarily for the good of the children.

Give your spouse a bit of breathing room to start cleaning up the mess. And then maybe start discussing how he could see himself leading a happier, healthier lifestyle as a divorced dad.

I don't think your marriage was a lie. He just is an addict.

Focus on keeping things emotionally stable for your kids. That doesn't necessarily mean keeping the same or a shared residence. Kids don't need a house or a yard. They may be best keeping the same school.

[Anonymous]

https://www.addictionresource.net/porn/porn-addiction-causes/

His family sounds off.

He needs treatment, you acting as his mommy or controller will not work and is a marriage killer.

[Anonymous]

He needs a comprehensive evaluation by a psychiatrist who works in addiction medicine, ideally. Will he consent? The porn is the top layer of the problem, mood disorders, trauma, autism, etc. may be driving the behavior. Any identified issues need to be addressed, otherwise treatment is doomed to fail. CBT can be effective for porn addiction.

https://www.rosewoodrecovery.com/blog/pornography-addiction-treatment

[Anonymous]

Some treatment may be covered by insurance.

https://www.careclinicmd.com/porn-addiction-treatment/

[Anonymous]

You are getting trickle truth. You maybe have 30% of the story right now. You are also very, very naive about addiction and the level of pathological lying you are dealing with.

And you are crazy not to get a divorce. He will ruin you financially even with “separate” finances. I say this as someone who never married thet gambling/porn addict that I lived with in my 20s. It still set me back years financially.

Get a good lawyer and start planning for a life without this guy. Get a good therapist who specializes in addiction for you and read all the books you can find on codependency and addiction.