Porn addiction, whole marriage a lie

[Anonymous]

https://karunahealing.org/emdr-therapy-for-the-treatment-of-sex-and-porn-addiction/

Once trauma begins to be addressed there is a need for learning coping and re-wiring endorphin system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP he isn't being 100% honest when he's calling it "porn". Subscription porn sites are like $20 a month. The only way it would be possible for him to spend such an astronomical amount of money is if he's doing custom video requests or live video shows from sex workers. Which is engaging in prostitution, not simply porn videos. There's also not a small chance he may be engaging in a "FinDom" fetish, which is where men get off on paying large sums of money to sex workers in exchange for being sent degrading messages. The amount of money spent and the secrecy are major red flags of FinDom.

This. 1 million %. Did he take out a bunch of cash advances from the credit card?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how do you know that money wasn't used for prostitutes?

DP. You don't pay "prostitutes" with a credit card. By the way, they haven't been called "prostitutes" for 20 years.

Its called a cash advance from your credit card. Duh 🙄

[Anonymous]

FinDom is short for "financial domination" btw. The entire point of the fetish is the man sending an embarrassingly large amount of money to the Dom and feeling a rush from doing something so shameful and taboo. Spending money from inappropriate places, like a business account or child's college fund, is part of the thrill for them. OP your husband should be trusted with your household finances as much as an active gambling or drug addict.

[Anonymous]

OP, be aware that betrayal trauma and being gaslit and lied to will take a toll on your mental health and ability to parent over time. It’s also modeling addiction, abuse and codependence for the kids who pick up the dynamics even if shielded from details. Have some lines that you will not allow to be crossed. Focus on your own well being, let DH manage his recovery or lack thereof. See a therapist who works with spouses of addicts. Consult lawyers with experience protecting kids, a few have been named on this site or create a separate post asking for names of lawyers who can help protect kids from addiction and mental disorders. Know that there is still much you have not been told and always assume you are being lied to. It is very destabilizing. Protect your own well being and earning capacity. Do not believe words only provable changed actions sustained over time. Addicts lie.

[Anonymous]

OP, this quote from another thread may be helpful to think about

Anonymous wrote:
You and I have never had a rough day and thought "you know, I know this behavior devastates my partner and hurts their soul and very core of their being, but I'm having a hard day so I'll indulge". That's how these people think. Just flat-out entitlement. Me, me, me.


I'd derail to mention that alcoholics and other addicts often pair up with codependents and people with martyr complexes, self esteem issues, and poor boundaries, but...

I do want to address this though. No, that's not how an addict thinks. For better or worse, we don't think about you at all. You've framed it like a conscious decision to ignore the impact of our actions, which probably seems reasonable to a non-addicted person. The reality is probably more grim, and if you're going to date an addict, you need to get it right: We don't think about you, your wants, your feelings, your needs... We react by drinking (or using, or gambling... substitute addiction language here).

A lot of people try to explain to their addict how they feel, how they're being hurt by the addict's behavior, etc. When we're sober, we hear you. We may legitimately want to change to accommodate and protect you. Then, when triggered (or simply offered an opportunity to drink/use/whatever), it's like everything else goes away and all we can think about is our next drink/hit/fix. People who choose to partner with addicts can't take that personally because it's really not. We don't consciously think about how you'll feel if we slip. We truly don't think of you at all. It's simply that we're in pain or triggered or not paying attention and working our steps/program well, and we hear the booze loud and clear. Laying on guilt about how our behavior hurts you isn't likely to change our behavior, but it will make it harder for you to deal with the reality of life with an addict.

[Anonymous]

It’s safe to assume he will always be a porn addict and squander family funds, but may get better about lying about it. He may also act out in other ways including “accidentally” exposing DC to porn to “normalize” it. It’s all compulsive, not rational. If he’s one of the low single digit porn addicts who recover long term it will be because he changes every aspect of his life. You won’t have to wonder. But managing expectations is key. As is working on your own self esteem and codependence, very difficult in your situation, but not impossible.

[Anonymous]

This has got to be OnlyFans, not “porn” He’s sending huge amounts to his favorites.

[Anonymous]

OP, another take on OF, although it may be FinDom in husband’s case, just think about the truth of this and be open to it.

https://www.chumplady.com/hes-checked-out-for-onlyfans/

[Anonymous]

OP here. Wow this thread got way longer. We just came back from a day out as a family and it was great. Again, just feels like living in two separate realities.

I will get those CC statements and see how he spent the money. I think he did mention something about requesting videos, so I think it's correct to assume not just some porn subscription. I just really didn't care to know the details and at this point not sure I would trust him to tell the whole truth, so will just wait for the statements.

A few of you have mentioned something about when our children reach 10, my husband will lose it or something? I am not sure I am getting what that means. Meaning he would get depressed, act erratically? Because he is reliving some traumatic experience?

Are you all saying that kids exposed to porn early are just hopeless for the rest of their lives? For background he mentioned he saw some of his mom's victoria secret magazines at that age and then I guess sought out inappropriate stuff online himself. I don't think it was anyone forcing porn on him. We are both millennials and it really was the wild wild west of the internet in those early days. Parents did not do much to monitor or screen their kids those days.

I think he does intend to do therapy. He already talked to the pastor of our church and confessed everything and was told he will need a lot of therapy. Before anyone asks, I am not sure how being Christian will play into this, except that it probably has added extra shame and he does absolutely know this is all very wrong. But I am not going to baby him on this. I will support him, if not as my husband then as the father of my children, but it is on him. This is why I want that financial separation, so that I feel safe enough to observe for a bit.

It is hard for me mentally to jump to divorce because he is more than just these actions. There is a lot of good along with the very bad. We have basically earned similar amounts of money in our marriage so it is not like he is a deadbeat. I just have to see if/when the bad outweighs the good. It all depends on how much initiative he takes to address the addiction. I have read some of the links you have all copied here, so thank you. I do think I have a lot to learn, and some of the research about the effects of porn on the brain is very scary and also familiar because they relate to issues I've had with my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Not all kids exposed to porn become addicted, OP. Nor all adults. But your H is and has also squandered huge amounts of money, so talking about anyone else is besides the point. If you consult with a trauma therapist specifically you will understand what you are facing better and how it may play out over time in your family, married or not.

[Anonymous]

Work together to clean up the mess and move on. People recover from this kind of thing--both parties. You were definitely wronged. And he was definitely trapped in a cage of his own making.

Divorce would be worse than dealing with this, healing, and moving past it.

If he was going to prostitutes, different advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm posting here because I'm too embarrassed to talk about this with anyone in real life yet, and I need some perspective.

I recently discovered that my husband of 10 years has had a porn addiction most of his life, and has spent about 50k on his addiction over the last 4 years. Part of that amount is interest accumulated through various credit cards that he could not pay back without me noticing. He ruined his credit completely because he eventually could not pay anything. I only found out because I applied for a credit card (for the sign on bonus) on his behalf (with his permission) and was rejected immediately. I thought that was odd and had him run credit karma. He then acts totally surprised at his horrible credit score, claims he has no idea why there are credit card charge offs. He concocts a whole story that someone had stolen his identity and used these cards without his knowledge. I totally believed him and we had a plan in place to dispute the charges but then every step of the way, he would drag his feet. He made up stories of calling the credit cards and initiate an investigation, blamed the credit card companies for not sending the old statements on time etc. He only came clean when the inconsistencies were starting to add up and I knew something was really off.

My emotions have been all over the place this past week. Some days I feel like we can be ok, other days I feel like I want to get away from him as soon as possible. I don't think I can ever trust him again. It is traumatic to me to even think about how easily he lied to my face over and over again. There are other details about the last years of our lives that are now making sense. We did not have a great marriage the last few years and I think on some level he feels justified to escape to porn instead of living in our reality and addressing issues. I have told him over and over throughout the years that I am not happy, and he only ever made half hearted attempts and always said he is happy.

I also cannot get over that he lied about this when we were dating. He was in between jobs at some point when we were dating and right after we got married, he told me he had some credit card debt (maybe 10-20k?) that he recently paid off and it was from taking me out on dates (!!). He finally admitted this week that it was from porn. I'm so flaming mad because I would not have married him had I known. I feel like my entire life the last 12 years or so has been a lie, that I have no idea who he truly is, and of course I have lost all respect and trust in him.

If we didn't have kids, I would be gone yesterday. But we have two kids aged 7 and 5. WTF do I do? I cannot give up 50% of my time with them through divorce. I feel so trapped. He is otherwise an ok father, no issues with abuse or aggression or anything like that.

I'm thinking in the near term, I need to get a post nup in place. I feel an urgent need to protect my own retirement assets (401k and pension). I have no will, but now i'm thinking I really need one so that if i were to die, the money goes in some kind of a trust to my kids and will be managed by someone else, right? Are these all enforceable? Am I missing anything else?

Just to put this in perspective: I know a LOT of men who married women who were $50K-$400K in student loan debt. When you marry the person, you're marrying their debt. If you love them, you help them pay it off and build a life together. Everyone telling you to divorce this man is either a bitter never-married or or jaded divorcee. If you are devout and took your vows seriously, seek out the church and you all can work your way through this deception, addiction, and debt. Your husband was deeply embarrassed and this snowballed. Help him work through it. Who knows, maybe you'll get cancer. Would you want him cutting bait and leaving your ass all alone? Sickness and in health. Your husband had a sickness.

[Anonymous]

Let him recover if he does on his lwn time and dime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:another idea is a financial divorce and continued cohabitation. That way you separate all the money, get the house in your name, etc. or put the house into a trust for the kids.
I’m not sure how you come back to this but if a full divorce feels like too much, you could do a legal divorce and still cohabitate as a family. That would then make an ultimate divorce easier.

But op might want a sex life of her own eventually. It’s hard to date when you still live as a family with your ex husband. Plus she said she does the housework as well. Why should she keep picking up after him.

It is not that hard: I have done it.