Porn addiction, whole marriage a lie

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s clear you do not want to make changes right now. Do see a lawyer re finances and get std tested, both for your kids’s sale, if not your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP how do you know that money wasn't used for prostitutes?

DP. You don't pay "prostitutes" with a credit card. By the way, they haven't been called "prostitutes" for 20 years.

Cash advance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read the thread, PP. He told her he’s been addicted to porn since age 10.

She needs to figure out who in his family exposed him. In general she seems to avoid his family, but needs to be especially vigilant around the original abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm posting here because I'm too embarrassed to talk about this with anyone in real life yet, and I need some perspective.

I recently discovered that my husband of 10 years has had a porn addiction most of his life, and has spent about 50k on his addiction over the last 4 years. Part of that amount is interest accumulated through various credit cards that he could not pay back without me noticing. He ruined his credit completely because he eventually could not pay anything. I only found out because I applied for a credit card (for the sign on bonus) on his behalf (with his permission) and was rejected immediately. I thought that was odd and had him run credit karma. He then acts totally surprised at his horrible credit score, claims he has no idea why there are credit card charge offs. He concocts a whole story that someone had stolen his identity and used these cards without his knowledge. I totally believed him and we had a plan in place to dispute the charges but then every step of the way, he would drag his feet. He made up stories of calling the credit cards and initiate an investigation, blamed the credit card companies for not sending the old statements on time etc. He only came clean when the inconsistencies were starting to add up and I knew something was really off.

My emotions have been all over the place this past week. Some days I feel like we can be ok, other days I feel like I want to get away from him as soon as possible. I don't think I can ever trust him again. It is traumatic to me to even think about how easily he lied to my face over and over again. There are other details about the last years of our lives that are now making sense. We did not have a great marriage the last few years and I think on some level he feels justified to escape to porn instead of living in our reality and addressing issues. I have told him over and over throughout the years that I am not happy, and he only ever made half hearted attempts and always said he is happy.

I also cannot get over that he lied about this when we were dating. He was in between jobs at some point when we were dating and right after we got married, he told me he had some credit card debt (maybe 10-20k?) that he recently paid off and it was from taking me out on dates (!!). He finally admitted this week that it was from porn. I'm so flaming mad because I would not have married him had I known. I feel like my entire life the last 12 years or so has been a lie, that I have no idea who he truly is, and of course I have lost all respect and trust in him.

If we didn't have kids, I would be gone yesterday. But we have two kids aged 7 and 5. WTF do I do? I cannot give up 50% of my time with them through divorce. I feel so trapped. He is otherwise an ok father, no issues with abuse or aggression or anything like that.

I'm thinking in the near term, I need to get a post nup in place. I feel an urgent need to protect my own retirement assets (401k and pension). I have no will, but now i'm thinking I really need one so that if i were to die, the money goes in some kind of a trust to my kids and will be managed by someone else, right? Are these all enforceable? Am I missing anything else?

Just to put this in perspective: I know a LOT of men who married women who were $50K-$400K in student loan debt. When you marry the person, you're marrying their debt. If you love them, you help them pay it off and build a life together. Everyone telling you to divorce this man is either a bitter never-married or or jaded divorcee. If you are devout and took your vows seriously, seek out the church and you all can work your way through this deception, addiction, and debt. Your husband was deeply embarrassed and this snowballed. Help him work through it. Who knows, maybe you'll get cancer. Would you want him cutting bait and leaving your ass all alone? Sickness and in health. Your husband had a sickness.

I advised divorce. I’ve been married 18 years quite happily. I’m an active participant in our church and even lead our marriage ministry. But, I still think there are dealbreakers. And I think what she knows now is the tip of the iceberg.

Most churches don’t have resources to deal with the deep issues here. Sure, you can talk to a pastor and seek spiritual guidance, but this person needs actual addiction therapy. And, they need therapy to work through the trauma. Addiction recovery rarely works in a straight line.

The OP seems super naive. It is fine if she isn’t ready to divorce today. But she needs a lawyer to give her good advice on how to protect herself financially (if she even can) and get some understanding of what a divorce might look like. She also needs to do a lot more reading. She mentioned that the studies about porn addiction have resonated with her because of “other issues” in her marriage. I bet there is a boatload of dysfunction even if they can play happy families and go on picnics.

[Anonymous]

OP, get a lawyer and a divorce or get some porn undies and wear them around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has he considered turning to Jesus?

Religion is no a fix for CSA although some churches have free porn addiction resources.

The best hope is an in patient trauma and addiction treatment stint, OP. Look into what your insurance may cover.

To some "Churches" these days I'm sure porn is fine, just fine.

[Anonymous]

Gross you need to divorce. Better luck next time!

[Anonymous]

If you decide to stay he will need extensive therapy. My sister's husband has a porn addiction that my sister discovered. He went from regular porn, to far women porn, then transgender porn and finally gay porn. My sister was so hurt and confused and even questioned his sexuality. Porn can be very destructive to men. I think porn seems to be far more destructive on the man's brain than the woman's.

And some men develop erectile dysfunction after years on porn and then venture into finding people (men and women) with whom they can recreate the crazy pixels they have been consuming for years.

[Anonymous]

I am sure many of you have heard of onlyfans. The vast majority of consumers of onlyfans contents are men. Some women have become rich in very short amount of time selling sex to these desperate men.

I am happy our society is doing more women and finally taking their issues more seriously and we need to keep doing more. But I think we are abandoning boys. We are quick to label them as violent always fishing for what they are doing wrong. Well porn is a refuge for a lot of these boys who grow into adulthood with this addiction. Some men have been consuming porn since they were 15 and finally around 50 everything comes down crashing years after they got married had kids careers etc.

Porn is poison. I am not a religious person and I am against censorship. Young women are victims as well. We celebrate their successes selling sex to men but we don't talk about the massive mental health issues that many of these women have.

[Anonymous]

OP, you talk about your life feeling like 2 different worlds. That dissonance is not a healthy place for you or the kids. You can’t model healthy adulthood when the foundation of your life is a teetering house of cards.

It’s not just the porn, it’s how it has warped him and how you don’t know what he watches, does IRL, or how much money has really been spent. That is next level even for a porn/sex addict. You can’t pretend forever. Make a plan for when your kids are exposed, and it may be to hard core or fetish porn, forget Victorias Secret. The edge has to keep moving to get the dopamine hit as was described above.

[Anonymous]

I’d leave and if he does serious rehab and therapy consider co-habitating again. If you split he is more likely to go on a bender and fall apart, creating the norm of you as primary in actuality.

You need distance to work on your own issues and co-dependence. You can go on picnics but have a stable life for you and the kids the rest of the time. You need financial and emotional distance.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you called any lawyers? Or gone back into denying and minimizing?

He needs serious long term help.

https://integrativelifecenter.com/intimacy-di...ed-to-porn-now-what/

You need space and counseling to figure out how you ended up with this man.

You need to protect your assets.

[Anonymous]

So you dug and found out, he did not come to you?

You have no idea if this is FinDom shame kink or Only Fans or something more bizarre/worse? Wasn’t the free hardcore stuff.

He can see the kids and you can do things as a family while separated, OP. May be best to protect assets too. Talk to 2-3 lawyers. If things go on as is you will always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Seems toxic.

[Anonymous]

OP have you contacted any lawyers to discuss shielding assets?

Or dived back into denial?

Or was this a troll post?

[Anonymous]

Porn addiction...gross!