Coping with anxiety once kids are no longer at home

[Anonymous]

How do you do it? How do you not worry about them traveling abroad, driving, being safe coming home at night...? I worry already with driving teens but the idea of not knowing about their safety at all upsets me when I think about it.

[Anonymous]

It gets easier. Accept that you have no control. They are living their own lives now.

[Anonymous]

Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

I worry far less than if they were doing the exact same things they are doing, but lived under my roof.

Of course, I don't know about 99% of the things they are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

I worry far less than if they were doing the exact same things they are doing, but lived under my roof.

Of course, I don't know about 99% of the things they are doing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Agree w PP. Out of sight out of mind.
We love our two adults. We’ve done our part at raising them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

I worry far less than if they were doing the exact same things they are doing, but lived under my roof.

Of course, I don't know about 99% of the things they are doing.

+1 What causes me most anxiety is when they tell me about an issue that has them upset and that they are having trouble dealing with. I don't try to fix their problems, but it does make me worry. But over time, I've realized that they just want to vent to me and don't think to tell me when the issue got resolved (as they always do). They also don't think to tell me the good things going on in their lives so I'm more proactive about steering our conversations toward positive things. I don't want to just be their dumping ground.

[Anonymous]

Both my kids are good kids who make good decisions, have good friends and are mindful to make healthy choices.

Yes, the anxiety remains because you worry about your kids. Here is how I cope
- they have access to our google pay, uber, starbucks, amazon, costco accounts.
- we all do location sharing.
- they both have newer but average cars with all kinds of safety features
- they live in safe neighborhoods and buildings
- they don't have a flashy lifestyle. they don't keep expensive things with them
- they have a support system - family, friends, money, open to therapy, regular yoga and meditation practice.
- they don't have a lifestyle or drugs, booze, vaping, clubbing etc. they are nerdy.

[Anonymous]

It will be easier actually. Because they aren't under your roof. You will find you worry about them more when they are back staying at your house, during vacations.

Develop a mantra. A short sentence or two. Mentally repeat to yourself anytime bad thoughts creep in. Like, "they are responsible and make good decisions." Something. What you have to do in general is control your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

I worry far less than if they were doing the exact same things they are doing, but lived under my roof.

Of course, I don't know about 99% of the things they are doing.

+1 What causes me most anxiety is when they tell me about an issue that has them upset and that they are having trouble dealing with. I don't try to fix their problems, but it does make me worry. But over time, I've realized that they just want to vent to me and don't think to tell me when the issue got resolved (as they always do). They also don't think to tell me the good things going on in their lives so I'm more proactive about steering our conversations toward positive things. I don't want to just be their dumping ground.

OP here and I am terrible at this. They tell me everything all the time, big and small issues. I want to save the day, and if I resist saving the day it completely upsets me still that they have some issue. Sometimes I wish they told me a little less of the negative stuff and just would deal on their own. I really dread having a lot of bad calls.

[Anonymous]

When my kids have a problem, my FIRST questions is, “What’s your plan?” Often, they have some thoughts for their situation and this should ease your mind. If you have something additional to add, you can make suggestions at this point. Remember, your way is not the only way. Just because they are talking about their problem doesn’t mean they are asking you to solve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

I worry far less than if they were doing the exact same things they are doing, but lived under my roof.

Of course, I don't know about 99% of the things they are doing.

+1 What causes me most anxiety is when they tell me about an issue that has them upset and that they are having trouble dealing with. I don't try to fix their problems, but it does make me worry. But over time, I've realized that they just want to vent to me and don't think to tell me when the issue got resolved (as they always do). They also don't think to tell me the good things going on in their lives so I'm more proactive about steering our conversations toward positive things. I don't want to just be their dumping ground.

OP here and I am terrible at this. They tell me everything all the time, big and small issues. I want to save the day, and if I resist saving the day it completely upsets me still that they have some issue. Sometimes I wish they told me a little less of the negative stuff and just would deal on their own. I really dread having a lot of bad calls.

Interesting, I have two kids. My oldest over shares everything (always has) and he's the one that gives me more anxiety. He worries and overthinks everything and then over shares with me. While I appreciate his openness he stresses me so much and worrying about him gives me anxiety at times. Even though I worry about him when he's in College, it's not as bad as when he's home... When he's away, I'm able to enjoy days and sometimes a couple of weeks worry free, so it is true, out of sight/out of mind.

My youngest, who is more "independent" and doesn't share so much (never has) is such a breeze for me. I'm never at my wits end with him or worrying sickly over what he does or where he goes.

Clearly my anxiety is induced by my oldest but I wouldn't change the relationship we have... so here I am "treating" my anxiety which goes really well with my menopause! LOL.

[Anonymous]

find a good counselor! it’s helped me so much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

I worry far less than if they were doing the exact same things they are doing, but lived under my roof.

Of course, I don't know about 99% of the things they are doing.

+1 What causes me most anxiety is when they tell me about an issue that has them upset and that they are having trouble dealing with. I don't try to fix their problems, but it does make me worry. But over time, I've realized that they just want to vent to me and don't think to tell me when the issue got resolved (as they always do). They also don't think to tell me the good things going on in their lives so I'm more proactive about steering our conversations toward positive things. I don't want to just be their dumping ground.

OP here and I am terrible at this. They tell me everything all the time, big and small issues. I want to save the day, and if I resist saving the day it completely upsets me still that they have some issue. Sometimes I wish they told me a little less of the negative stuff and just would deal on their own. I really dread having a lot of bad calls.

I get it but at the same time, try not to get so wrapped up in their issues. Is your life busy enough with work, friends, hobbies, etc. I get worried sometimes when I speak with my kid and they are having a hard time but then I get busy with other stuff and generally forget about my kid’s problems for most of the day and that is refreshing mentally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out-of-sight, out-of-mind.

I worry far less than if they were doing the exact same things they are doing, but lived under my roof.

Of course, I don't know about 99% of the things they are doing.

+1 What causes me most anxiety is when they tell me about an issue that has them upset and that they are having trouble dealing with. I don't try to fix their problems, but it does make me worry. But over time, I've realized that they just want to vent to me and don't think to tell me when the issue got resolved (as they always do). They also don't think to tell me the good things going on in their lives so I'm more proactive about steering our conversations toward positive things. I don't want to just be their dumping ground.

OP here and I am terrible at this. They tell me everything all the time, big and small issues. I want to save the day, and if I resist saving the day it completely upsets me still that they have some issue. Sometimes I wish they told me a little less of the negative stuff and just would deal on their own. I really dread having a lot of bad calls.

This is really quite the statement. I know that anxiety knows no reason, but you really need to reframe your thinking here. Your kids WILL have issues. Bad things are going to happen to your kids, sometimes really bad things and sometimes lots of bad things. Because bad things happen to all of us. That's life!

Here's the thing: For really bad things, you can't save the day, and for most other things you shouldn't.

The really awful things of adulthood--death of a loved one, relationship problems, major illness or injury, big problems at work--you can't solve these problems for your kids. These things will happen to them, and they will struggle, and the most you can really do is be a shoulder to cry on or give them some money to help get them by or provide logistical support. And sure those things can help, but they can't make the problems go away. You can't save your kids from this stuff.

The rest of adulthood is stuff you should let your young adult kid figure out, because it's important for their transition to full adulthood. Learning how to navigate the small stuff is how we build competence and confidence. Here you can provide friendly advice, exactly like you would to a friend who asks for it. But as with a friend, you should limit the advice if you're not asked and you shouldn't routinely step in and make the problem go away because that's overstepping and your kids need to learn how to do this stuff themselves. You will not always be around to help, so they need experience helping themselves. That doesn't mean you can't ever help them! But you shouldn't make a habit of helping them with things they can handle themselves.

Say it to yourself many times until you believe it. YOU CAN'T SAVE YOUR KIDS FROM HARD THINGS. But you have confidence that they will persevere.

[Anonymous]

It's kind of like becoming a mom, you realize that somehow your heart is beating outside your body now. The situation is different, but the emotion is similar. And no matter how much you've prepared them, it will still hit hard.

My oldest had a very challenging freshman year. There was a vile young man who wanted to hurt her and dealing with the Title IX process while adjusting to college, receiving some chronic disease diagnoses and needing to fit in surgery, and deaths in the family was much more than I could have imagined going wrong. She didn't have fantastic roommates either.

Despite all of that we both made it. I did spend much more time helping her manage than I would have if she'd been dealing with ordinary things. And it was ok. She still made wonderful friends, she found her groove at school, she got serious about taking care of herself. With younger children at home, I did not have the option to jump on a plane and be physically with her as much as I wanted. But it was ok. It was a hard year, and I'm not glad that those things happened, but we both let it strengthen us.

Now she's a completely self sufficient adult, she doesn't need my help and rarely asks advice. She's living the dreams/goals she's had most of her life.

My other ACs did not have those rough launch circumstances, but there is still a part of you that longs to watch over them. I definitely believe in supporting their problem solving rather than solving their problems outside of major emergencies. Your own emotions as a mom will rise and fall, but most people settle into the separateness. Yes it is bittersweet and scary at times. But eventually it's mostly a very content feeling knowing that they are launched and capable.